From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 05:24:45 -0500
Subject: NEW - Crossing Forbidden Lines (1/?) by Danamaru

Reply To: Danamaru@yahoo.co.uk

Author:  Danamaru

Title:  Crossing forbidden lines

Distribution:  Sure, but only if my name is left attached, 
and let me know where my baby is!

Rating: PG 

Disclaimer:  Mulder and Scully do not belong to me, 
I'm only borrowing them, don't be greedy Chris, they will 
be returned to you.  

Spoilers:  Suz, Closure. 

Summary:  Scully and Mulder discuss the possibilities of fate.  

Feedback:  Greatly appreciated at Danamaru1@yahoo.co.uk  
Find other stories written by me at my website  
http//www.angelfire.com/hi2/badblood/


"What is fate?  A simple plan from another world, marked for 
each person in the world to see and to follow.  Are we simply
following someone else's orders for a larger plan?  Will anyone 
ever really know?  It's the kind of question that can never be
fully answered, and can never be known for sure, and if it were
available for everyone to see, would they want to see it?  
Would they want to know their inevitable future, mapped 
out like a novel, knowing where they were going, knowing 
the people they would meet and what they would accomplish?  

To know all this, and to know that you were one of the unfortunate
human beings that would never live more than a few short years, or 
to know that you were never going to accomplish anything, would 
you want to continue?"

This is a little unsaid voice over told by me for the 
basis of this story involving Mulder and Scully.  It's just some of 
my thoughts on the subject of fate and what I think It means to me.  
I believe in fate, but I think it stems from all the choices that 
we make ourselves.  I don't believe that there are any wrong choices
and that any mistakes we might make are all learning experiences, 
and for us to live and evolve we must make these certain choices, 
otherwise we would all be living in bubbles, never venturing out, 
and inevitably still living like cavemen.  


Mulder's Apartment - 7.02 pm

Mulder sat and bounced his basketball between his legs, 
listening to the ping it gave as it hit the cold wooden floor.  
How he loved that sound, so relaxing.  Repeating the bounce over 
and over without realising it, he felt relaxed, calm and somewhat 
at peace with himself.  
The last few days, he couldn't even really remember, his 
mother's death, his sister, Harold Pillar.  He saw so much of 
the old him in Harold Pillar it was like watching himself from 
Scully's body, how frustrating it must have been for her for 
seven years, and yet she stayed by his side the whole time.  

As he bounced the ball over and over he thought about what 
would make a person stay with another person for no apparent 
reason and with someone with which they had to constantly 
pick at repeatedly.  Why had Scully stayed with him, he had 
always wondered about this, he had never begged her to stay 
on his quest, and had always given her plenty of opportunities to 
step away, get as far away from him as she possibly could.  
But she had written all of that off every time, always bouncing 
back, just like his basketball.  She always returned to him.  
Was this his fate and hers, both people having the same fate.  
Was it possible?    

As he waited for Scully to arrive, he continued to think 
about his life, and what he had achieved.   He came to 
realise that in the past 7 years he had learned and completed 
so much because Scully was there, not to protect him, but 
to keep him going on the straight and narrow.  He listened to 
her, trusted her so completely, like no other and whether he 
would ever admit to her or to himself, he truly loved her.  

They were in his view, soul mates.  
  
Even if they were soul mates, they kept their distances, never 
venturing out to explore one another's worlds. To them that 
was crossing the line they had drawn so long ago, and if one 
were to cross it, what would become of them.  He didn't know 
if he could risk it.  Losing Scully would be like losing part 
of himself and at this time in his life he was empty enough.  

His mother wasn't like other mothers. She had such a hard life, 
so full of loss herself that she didn't get too close to 
people including her only son.  Mulder often wondered why 
she hadn't drawn closer to him after Samantha had been taken.  
It would seem like the natural thing to do.  As one child is 
lost you feel you need to protect the one remaining even more.  

But she didn't and in some way he felt guilty about that.  
He should have made more of an effort to visit and talk with his 
mother.  But the truth was, he had always felt a distance between 
him and her and in all honesty didn't believe that any amount of 
time that he spent with her was going to fill that gap.  
It saddened him to think like that.  

He hadn't received comfort from a mothering figure for so 
long that once she was gone, it was like a weight being 
lifted from him, because he didn't have to think about why 
she never called or visited.  He loved her with all his heart, 
but he didn't believe in her decisions.  She had intentionally 
harmed and deceived him in the past and for that he could never 
forgive her.  She had taken her own life, and his mind, 
she deceived him, deprived him of her love and affection and 
without a doubt made him suffer.  What kind of mother would do 
this to her son?  

He wanted to explain this to Scully but secretly knew that it 
would never be discussed.  It was over the line.  

She was coming around to go over the report for Skinner 
involving Amber Lyn Lappiere.  Mulder had no proof that the 
little girl was dead, nor did he have any proof that she wasn't.  
But as similar circumstances have prevailed, Skinner would sweep 
it under the carpet as gospel.  

Mulder wasn't sure if he could trust his superior or not.  
He appeared to be on his side, but Scully was wary, which 
caused him to question his credibility.  

****
As Scully entered Mulder's apartment building, she glanced 
over to the mailboxes.  Mulders overflowed, white papers spilled 
over the edges as the metal strained to close into the latch.  
Knowing the cause for this rarity, she continued to the elevator, 
wondering whether to empty his mailbox and take it to him.  

Going against the idea with Mulders mail, she hit 4 on the 
elevator and drew in deep breaths trying to prepare herself 
for his apartment.  

She knew he was not himself and understandably so, but 
nothing could have prepared her for the state of his apartment.  
As he gestured her to come inside, she unconsciously put her 
fingers to her nose.  The stench was undescribably raw.  And 
from the state of his kitchen she realised where it was coming 
from.  

She was expecting this, Mulder was untidy at the best of times, 
but she did not believe it was possible.  He didn't seem to be 
the least bit embarrassed by his apartment or his appearance.  
He was unshaven, his hair was ruffled, clothes were rumpled and 
in dire need of cleaning.  

Mulder went to the bathroom while Scully moved sheets of 
newspapers and other various items from the couch and made 
herself comfortable.  The smell wasn't so bad in the lounge 
has it had been in the kitchen, and she found herself looking 
towards the window, where they had shared their embrace only 
days before.  
He hadn't said much since her arrival and it made her feel a 
little uneasy.  

Family photographs taken years before lay across the coffee table.  
Scully bent forward carefully moving some aside by the edges 
using her careful and skilled hands.  As she gently 
moved each one aside a battered piece of shiny paper caught 
her attention.  Glancing, afraid to pick it up due to it's fragile 
state, she drew in a deep long breath looking up to see Mulder 
peering over her. 
She jumped slightly, looking at him she calmed herself.  
She felt as if she had just been caught doing something she 
wasn't supposed to.  
"Mulder, I ah, you startled me."  She paused as she tried to 
read his emotions.  Would he be angry at her for invading 
his things.  

He bent down and picked up the fragile photograph, smoothing the 
dog-eared edges out and passed it to Scully.  
"It's the only one I have of my parents together."  
He spoke so softly that Scully had to raise her head to hear 
him as she took the photograph from his hand.  
Looking at it, she recognised Mulders mother and father but 
in their younger years.  Turning the photo over a date of 1971 
was written in black ink.  

She sighed and moved over as he sat down beside her on the couch.
"They look good together, happy."  She spoke carefully passing the 
photograph back to Mulder.    

He leaned his elbows on his knees as he stared at the photograph.  
He turned towards Scully and spoke again in the soft broken 
voice of a man so deeply scarred it almost brought her to tears.  
"It's a photograph Scully, it's a fake, a pose.  I don't remember 
my parents ever being really happy.  My mother pretended for 
my sake for a while after Samanath was gone but my father wasn't 
the type of man that could hide his feelings".  His head went 
unusually low and she could hear him swallow hard, causing his 
adam's apple to bob up and down his gullet.  

"I wonder how things might have turned out differently with 
another family, you know, if I had been born to a set of 
traditional parents, where the mum would drive her kids to 
school, pick them up, make them cookies and play with them 
on weekends.  
The father would ah ah"
His voice was cracking and Scully put a finger to his lips silencing 
him.  

She leaned her head towards him and wrapped her arm around his 
shoulders.  
"Mulder, if we all thought about it, I'm sure that it would 
show that there can be no perfect family, and that most 
importantly you can't choose that fate.  You're very emotional 
right now, and I understand how you're feeling."  She rubbed his 
shoulders as she spoke and he rose his head to her level.  

"What If you could choose Scully, would you opt for the perfect 
traditional family or would you pick one like mine, full of 
conspiracies and deceit?"  He laughed softly as her face softened 
into a sympathetic smile.  

It wasn't a question and Scully didn't answer him.  His eyes 
tugged back fatigue and she knew they wouldn't be doing any 
paperwork.  He needed her as a friend, and she would be there for 
as long as he needed her, just like the other night when he had 
refused to believe that his mother would take her own life.  
She cradled him like the other night for a long time until her 
back was aching so much that she had to straighten up, waking 
him from his slumber state.  

"Sorry Scully." He apologised before leaning back on the couch 
leaving her body cold from the withdrawal.  

"You need to get some sleep, Mulder.  It's getting late."  
Glancing at her watch she finished her sentence.  
"We can finish this paperwork later."  
She rose to get up and a strong hand grabbed her wrist, 
looking down, Mulder's face was rigid and tight from frowning 
with fatigue.  

"You have to go so soon, Scully?"  He tugged her back to her 
sitting position and she knew that she would give in to his 
propositions that would ultimately lead her to spending the 
night again in Mulder's apartment.  Not that she didn't want 
to, she trusted him knowing that he was hurt and emotional.  
Mulder was a sensitive man, more sensitive now than ever and she 
wanted to be his shoulder to cry on, she wanted to take away his 
pain.

Trying to take away his pain four nights previously had ended 
in an affair that none of them had again mentioned.  
It was over the line, and was one of many things that would never 
again be discussed.   
The near kiss in his hallway a couple of years ago was still to be 
discussed as was his New Year surprise, but it just never came up 
in conversation.  He just knew that if it were brought up, she 
would shoot him down.  Scully tended to shut off her emotions 
and forget to turn them back on when he needed her to.  
But that night in his emotional state as they hugged and cried 
softly together, something was turned back on.  Much to his 
surprise, Scully had kissed him, not just a miss-calculated 
forehead whopper, this was a full and passionate kiss from his 
usually cool and level headed partner.  
Surprised at first he was unaware that he wasn't kissing her back.  
She jerked back closing her eyes and looking away from him.  

As the realisation of what had just happened to him sunk in, 
he tilted her head towards him, wiping away her tears gently 
with his thumbs, leaning in closer to cover her mouth returning 
the gesture.  Holding her there for a long moment he withdrew his 
lips and hers lingered on his bottom pout for a second longer 
before being withdrawn and hidden from his view with 
locks of short red-gold hair that had fallen out of his hands.  

Mulder desperately wanted to talk to her about it, but knew 
that she would clam up and leave, and he didn't want her to go.  
He wondered if she thought that he regret what took place and 
he wanted to tell her that he didn't and that the main reason 
for making her stay is in the hope that maybe she didn't regret it 
either.    

Part 2/2

Summary:  Will Mulder have the courage to really open up to 
Scully?  
Concluding part of previous discussions of fate.  

Spoilers:  Suz, Closure

Feedback:  Yes please, good, bad indifferent....take a shot, 
tell me what you think.  

Author's Notes:  The first part of this story is archived 
at Ephemeral and Fanfiction.Net

"Peace is just a word".  Eurythmics   


Concluding Part

Mulder breathed in deeply, exhaling slowly, seeing Scully 
almost in a hypnotic slow motion state.  He was nervous.  
But he knew that this time he wasn't going to bounce her away 
like he always did, waiting for her to bounce back and into his 
hands.  If he wanted to keep her here to tell her the things 
that would haunt him until he did then he would have to do it by 
himself.  

He braced himself and took a hold of her hand.  Hers trembled.  

"Scully, I think I found my real truth".  

Her face remained the same, blank and coldly serious.  

"What truth is that Mulder, about your sister?"

There was a pause as he thought and then spoke in a low tone.  

"Samantha is gone, my mother and father are gone, but they were 
never really my truth, Scully, don't you see".

Scully's eyebrows narrowed and her forehead lined with the frown.  

"I'm sorry Mulder, but I'm a little confused.  I thought your 
sister was your main quest, to look for the truth involving 
Samantha and her disappearance."

Still holding her hand he gazed into her eyes.  

"I always believed that I would find Samantha, but as the years 
past I began to realise that I never really would find her.  
She's gone Scully, but it's okay."

Scully's anger began to rise inside of her as she tried to 
comprehend what Mulder was telling her.  Yes his sister was gone, 
but how was it okay.  This was the main reason for carrying on 
after everything that had happened to them.  Once the men behind 
the conspiracy had been exposed, he had told her himself that the 
only thing left to do was find Samantha.  

She let go of his hand and could feel the sweat from his palm 
on her own.  

"Mulder, how can you just accept this.  You've seen Samantha 
before and it wasn't really her, how do you know it wasn't a hoax?"

Mulder laughed softly as he listened to her rally him again.  
For seven years she had tried to bring him back to earth, 
doubting his theories, making him take a step back and look at 
things rationally.  He could understand what she was trying to 
say, but he knew she was wrong.  His sister was finally at peace.  

"Scully, I found my sister that night, of that I am certain.  
It was not a hoax, there was no conspiracy.  You know as well 
as I do she was taken by the starlight.  Taken so that nothing 
bad could ever happen to her again.  Don't you see, I've 
completed my quest, I've found her and she's in a better place". 

Scully's eyebrow's lifted again in disbelief.  

"Mulder, I'm still not sure how to take all this".  

He looked at her with so much gratitude for not questioning 
further that her heart melt.  She was still confused, but it 
had been a difficult time for him.  He wasn't himself.  
She had to give him and time and space.  She had to leave.  

"I have to go Mulder, you need to get some sleep."  
She got up to leave and was again tugged at by his hand.

"Please don't leave, Scully."  His eyes pleaded, but she would 
not give in this time.  She couldn't trust herself with him in 
this condition.  

A voice was going over in his head "make her stay, make her stay, 
don't leave, don't leave."

It was now or never.  He had to cross that line.   

"Scully, please listen to me, I told you that I had found my 
real truth and that truth is you Scully, it always has been, 
I've just being going around with my head in the sky for too 
long to notice."  

This got her attention and his statement almost made her legs 
wobble, but she remained in her standing position.  What 
was he saying?  That his real quest wasn't his sister but her.  
He wasn't making sense.  

"Mulder what are you saying?  I don't understand."

He rose to meet her level towering above her, placing his 
hands on her shoulders as he spoke gently.

"The other night Scully, that was..."  He paused and she 
could feel her face getting redder with embarrassment, knowing 
that she would have to talk about it, knowing that he would want to, 
made her nervous.  He continued.  "Was two people who couldn't help 
being drawn to each other, then couldn't let go."  His eyes 
darkened and his breaths were rapid as he focused in on her eyes.  
"I don't ever want to let you go, Scully."

He moved his hands up to her face and softly massaged her cheeks 
with his thumbs.  Her face was angelic, as he saw her in her own 
starlight.  Beautiful and content as he moved his head towards her.  
"I not going to let go, Mulder I promise."

That night the sky was bright and the moon shone down on a fourth 
floor apartment.  The light streamed in through the window of that 
apartment, bouncing off of the chest of drawers moving down to the bed 
in the centre illuminating two sleeping figures wrapped tightly 
together, dreaming.  Free.  

Finito

This was a tough one to finish, and I'm sorry that it's 
taken so long. 
Please let me know what you thought, it's what keeps me going in 
the tough competition world of fanfiction.  
Thanks to everyone who reads this, hope you enjoyed it as much 
as did writing about these two fantastic characters.