From: Catherine Elizabeth McHenry Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 03:59:53 -0500 (EST) Subject: xfc: REP: Dark, Dear Heart (CORRECTION) Source: xfc From: Catherine Elizabeth McHenry Title: Dark, Dear Heart Author: Catherine McHenry E-Mail Address: cmchenry@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu Distribution: If you want it, it's yours. With my name and e-mail attached. Spoiler Warning: Post-ep for Orison, but no real spoilers. Vague reference to Redux II. Rating: PG at most. One bad word. Classification: V maybe a little A. Mulder POV Summary: Too short to deserve one. Author's notes at end. ************************************************************** Infomercial. Infomercial. News. Music video. Infomercial. Infomercial. 500 channels and nothing on. Not that I'm watching, really. It's just to keep my mind from replaying the events of this evening over and over. It's not working, of course. All I can think about is Scully. Scully is asleep in my bedroom. Well, she's in there, anyway. I'm not so sure she's asleep. But it's a miracle that she even let me convince her to stay at my place, so I'm not about to press my luck. Hell, if I can't sleep after what happened tonight, how can I expect her to? After all that we've faced, together and alone, this is the first time I've ever feared that things would not be ok in the end. Even when she was sick, I always believed that she would be cured. More specifically, that *I* would find her cure. Even as she told me to let her save me, I couldn't put away the thought that somehow *I* would save *her.* I was too consumed with my desire to save her that I didn't have any time to contemplate the thought that I might fail. But tonight, much as I want to go to her, something tells me that there's nothing I can do. The look on her face when she finally agreed to stay at my apartment was one of resignation. She agreed because she couldn't be bothered to argue with me anymore. And that scares the shit out of me. I can hear her moving around in there. Now it's confirmed. She's probably been awake the whole night, condemning herself. After our conversation in her bedroom earlier she hadn't said much more on the topic, but I know that no matter the legal outcome, Scully will never truly be at peace with this. And I can't blame anyone but me. Selfish, I know. Patronizing as well. Not only is it not my job to protect her, she shoots down virtually every attempt. I can count on one hand the number of times Scully has let me protect her in some way. But I still can't help feeling that I should have been there sooner. I should have known that Pfaster would go after her. I should know every time she's in danger. I should be there to save her. Man, she'd kick my ass if I ever told her any of this. Suddenly consumed by the need to see her, I creep to my bedroom door and look in on her. She's not asleep, of course, but lying with her back to the door, so I can watch her unobserved. She's there. She's real. This latest incident in a long line of my failures to keep her safe has not taken her from me. She sighs, a heartbreaking sound to my ears, and startles me by speaking. "Mulder, did you want something?" Still not looking at me. "Um... I... I was just...." Genius. Pure genius. I can't come up with any plausible reason why I might be standing in the doorway staring at her while she sleeps. Or doesn't sleep. Whatever. "Go to sleep, Mulder. I'll be here." My heart leaps, and a small smile appears on my face. "Goodnight, Scully." I turn back to the couch. Maybe she knows me better than I thought. And maybe everything will be ok after all. ************************************************************** As I'm sure you all could tell, this was my first posted fanfic. Not the first that I've written, but just as bad, I've no doubt. I sent this before I could talk myself out of it. Then when I did, I had already made the mistake of sending it out without formatting it or including headers, etc. Please let me know what you think, good bad or indifferent. If there's hope -- help me! This was not beta-read, as I have no beta. If I'm hopeless, tell me so I don't take up any more space in your inbox. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. This was dedicated to all the wonderful writers whose works I've been reading for over a year now, who have inspired me. Thanks for providing such great entertainment.