From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 4 Apr 2001 00:58:44 -0000 Subject: Darling, If I Die... by little Starbuck* Source: direct Reply To: starbuck42ajw@yahoo.com Title: Darling, if I die... Author: little Starbuck* Rating: PG. Category: MSR, post-DeadAlive Feedback: Yes please! Send to: starbuck42ajw@yahoo.com Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully are not mine, and they never will be (darn). Spoilers: Defiantly for most of season 8 and DeadAlive. (I've written this based on spoilers I've read for ep. 15 on.) Distribution: It's all yours. Just make sure my name's on it. Summary: Scully finds a very touching letter written to her by Mulder, prior to his death and resurrection. Author's Notes at end. Dedicated to: 'Rooster' (the biggest Russell Crowe fan around- don't worry, yawl, I'm slowly but surly converting her to The X-files)! **Please Enjoy** Darling, if I die... By: little Starbuck* 10:31 AM, Scully's apartment I stop to fix my hair in the mirror on the way out the door. My bright, red hair shimmers in the warm sunlight. I place my hand protectively over my big, round abdomen and sigh. This baby is so lucky, I think to myself. If they hadn't have dug up that grave... this baby would be without a father. The science of the whole thing is still quite mind- boggling, but I'm trying to accept the fact that it has happened and I have never been happier. 11:42 AM, Mulder's apartment He left a note on the door saying he'd be back momentarily, that he had to go pick up a prescription. I sit on the cold, yet inviting couch and examine the fish tank. I still feel guilty about loosing that one fish, even though he's forgiven me countless times... I still feel guilty. I glance unconsciously around the room. The corner of a piece of paper catches my wandering eye. It peaks out from beneath a box on his desk. I stand, arching my constantly painful back, and walk towards it. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable sniffing around in his home... but after what has happened, it isn't such a big deal. I yank the sheet out quickly, hoping not to disturb anything on the desk. My attempts fail as the pencil box topples over onto the floor. I giggle at my foolishness. This is Mulder, my best friend in the world... in the universe, he won't care if I read his mail... after all, he's very aware I was the one who helped save his life. I lift the paper to my focus point, glad that my vision is not gone completely, yet! 'Darling, if I die... you must forgive me for all that I've ever done wrong...' What?!? My first thought is that he's taken to writing love stories, but after further reading I realize... this is to me! I continue with caution... '...for all the times I didn't believe you, didn't agree with you... didn't love you back. I know it was hard for you to be around me when I wanted to tell you, but never did. I did love you. Do you know that? I apologize for giving up when you taught me that the worst thing to do to yourself is to give up. I'm so sorry for bringing all of the ailments upon you that I have. I'm sorry for your inability to have the thing, I know, you treasure most... children. I'm sorry for that chip in your neck and for the reason that it's there. I'm so sorry for leaving you like this. I know you would have sat by my side and held my hand as I withered away. I had to end that suffering before it began. You understand, I know. I'm sorry for dragging you out to that haunted house on Christmas eve one year and for making you chase zombies with me on New Years. I'm sorry for the loss of your father, your sister. I'm sorry about Emily. I know how much you loved her. I also know how you must feel right now and I don't want you to give up. I don't want you searching for answers as to why I'm gone, either. I am dead now partly for you. It would have been so much harder for you to watch me suffer for months. I know because, when you had your cancer, I had to prepare to do the same thing. Scully, I once told you that you kept me honest and made me a whole person. Those words came from the bottom of my heart. I really would be nothing with out you. I hope you know that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. And, I'm sorry, but I know you cannot say the same about me. I brought so much pain into your life and the only thing that could make me happy now would be for you to forgive me. I'm sorry for ending my life this way... with no honor or nobility. I hope you'll understand why I did it, though. Thank you for being my best friend for all these years. I do love you, even now... and I'll miss you. Love, Fox Mulder.' I wipe the tears from my face and inhale slowly. He had planned to kill himself. Numbness shoots through my body. I sit down on the couch before I can fall down on the floor. He had planned to end his life. Those words echo through my ears and through the room. I hear the latch click on the door. I quickly shove the letter into my pocket and stand. "Hey, Scully." He looks into my eyes. The tears come again. Why would he want to do that to me... to take away the one person in my life that I had ever had the courage to love back? "Mulder..." I advance towards him gradually. "Scully, what's the matter? Something with the baby?" He panics and rushes to me placing both of his hands on my shoulders. I cannot look at him. "No. The baby's fine... it's you I'm worried about." I exhale trying to hold in the river of tears attempting to break down the dam of my self consciousness. "Why me?" He leans down trying to get a look in my eyes. "Scully, I know you are afraid... but I'm not going anywhere. I felt the same way when you were returned from-" I cut him off. "I found this." I hold up the letter. He hesitates then takes it and unfolds it. He knows what it is. Does he feel guilty... embarrassed? Why is his face so blank? "Scully... you read this?" Now he is the one who can't stand to look at me. "I did. I'm sorry if you hadn't meant me to, but it's done. Mulder, when did you write this? Recently? Please tell me it wasn't recently!" I am so afraid. "No, before I... before I left." He pauses. He wants to tell me something... he's afraid to. "Scully, you know I meant everything I said." I watch a solemn tear roll down his cheek and find a resting place in the corner of his mouth. I take his cold hand in mine. "Good. I know you meant it. I've actually written a similar letter... except I had never intended to provide it as a means of explaining my suic-" He places his index finger over my mouth. He doesn't want me to say it. "I didn't either. It was... just in case. Scully, all of those doctors told me I didn't have much time left. I didn't want you to have to go throughout with that." He removes his finger and tosses the letter in the trash can by his foot. "I'm sorry I read it. You are free to read mine if you want." I tell him, though still not quite able to look at his face. "No... no. I don't need to read a letter to know how you feel. I've known for a long time, Scully. Why we've never told each other, I don't know. But I know we knew the truth, all along." We both sit down on the couch. He puts his feet up on the coffee table. "When you were out there.. up there, where ever you were, I knew you were still alive. I wanted, so badly to find you that way. Did you know that, Mulder?" I tap my foot nervously. I don't see why I have to be nervous around him. "I knew. And the whole time I was up there.. I didn't think of anyone but you. I felt so guilty for leaving you behind and so afraid that you'd never forgive me for doing so." He admits. I stop tapping my foot. I turn my head, then my body follows. "Mulder, I forgave you the moment I first saw you in that forest. I began blaming myself." I am surprised at the content we're spilling to each other. It's been held in for so long, though. "Why?" He utters. "I don't know. Maybe you've done the same thing... when I was sick or when I was... taken." I suggest. "I suppose I did. I was afraid then too." He turns towards me. I take his hand, tears in such abundance, my whole face shines with wetness. I smile through them, though. I still cannot quite believe he's sitting here next to me. We have been so fortunate to have each other all these years. I feel so lucky to have this man who cares for me so much.... I cannot help but do the same for him. I suppose it's true what they say, that you can't know how much you need something until it's gone. I scoot over closer to him on the sofa. We look into each other's eyes almost to the point where I can read his thoughts and he can read mine. I wrap my arms around him. He has trouble doing the same to me because my belly is in his way. I giggle at his tireless attempt to return my embrace with the same warmth and intensity as I feel. He doesn't really need to, though. I know he's feeling the same thing. **Fin** little Starbuck*'s Notes: Wow, this didn't turn out at all like I had expected. That's okay though- that's what happens when you write from your heart. Please, please, please send me feedback- I promise I'll read it and write back. Thanx for reading. I hope I could brighten your day. PS. DeadAlive was truly AMAZING and I would like to personally thank Chris, David, Gillian, Robert, Mitch and the entire XF crew for making my life that much more enjoyable! Thanx guys. little Starbuck*