From: "sarah lanlz" Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 21:19:17 PDT Subject: "The Day Off," 1/1 Disclaimer- Mulder and Scully all belong to Fox, CC, DD, and GA. Enough said, no one reads this anyway. MSR PG-13(a few swear words....) Humor(I hope...;) Summary: Mulder and Scully have the day off, thanks to Skinner. They try to occupy their time, various ways. Unexpected ending... you'd never guess it.... "The Day Off," 1/1 Mulder sat on his couch, bouncing his basketball off the floor. He was wearing an old Georgetown sweatshirt with the arms cut off, and a pair of dark green boxers. He was bored. As the ball bounced, pounding on the ground, he heard his neighbor call up to him: "Will you please STOP that? People are trying to sleep!!" a male voice called. "At 2:00 in the afternoon?!" Mulder yelled down to him. He bounced the ball harder, got up, and paced around the room. He was under orders from Skinner to take the day off. He'd just gotton back from Antarctica, and sure, he was exhausted as hell, but his work was his *life.* Skinner was only torturing him. He opened the fridge, still bouncing the ball as hard as possible, and peered inside. A jar of moldy orange juice, and a snickers bar. He didn't want to know how old it was, but he couldn't go wrong with chocolate, could he? He picked up the ball, and twisted open the wrapper, then tossed it towards the trash can. He missed by a foot, but left it there anyway. As Mulder bit into the surprisingly hard chocolate bar, he walked over to gaze out the window. Usual view, the cars below him, construction workers next door.... he sighed, then picked up his phone. He dialed a number, and waited two rings before it picked up. "Hello," a sexy voice answered. "This is Rhonda, your host for a highway of sexuality. If you want a woman, please press 1. If you want a man, please press 2. If you want the mystery creature, please press 3. Enjoy your escapade, and thank you for dialing "1-900-PORNO69." Intrigued, Mulder pressed 3. "Eep! Opp! Ork! Ah-AH! That means I love you!" a husky voice answered. He couldn't tell if it was a guy or a girl. "I'm a little green woman from outer space--" Mulder rolled his eyes and hung up. "Gray," he muttered. Then he dialed another number. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Lone Gunmen," a voice answered. "Turn off the tape." A rustling noise in the background. "It's off." "Turn it off, Frohike." "It's off already!" "How are you today?" Silence, then, "You okay, Mulder?" Mulder sat on his chair in front of the computer. "Yeah--yeah, I'm fine. Just a little bored, that's all." Laughter on the other end. "You mean you're not with the lovely Agent Scully?" "Skinner gave me the day off." "What'd you do to piss him off?" "I disreguarded his direct orders, and went down to Antarctica to save my partner from having an alien baby in a giant UFO." "Oh," Frohike said, and sighed wistfully. "Did you really get to drag her out of that pod *naked,* Mulder?" Mulder stared off into the distance, putting his feet on the desk and playing with the phone cord. "For the 21st time, Frohike, yeah, I did. You better hope Scully's not bugging this phone, or else she'll whip your ass *and* mine." "Did you see anything?" Mulder rolled his eyes. "Fine. I saw everything, okay? Are you happy now?" Mulder heard a crash on the other end. "Frohike?? You okay??" Rustling, then: "He's fine, Mulder. He just fell off his chair, that's all. And he's got a huge grin on his face. What did you say to him?" Langly asked. "Oh, you know, just the usual tidbits about my video collection." "I take it you're bored, Mulder?" "Yeah..." Mulder started to draw a picture on a wrinkled up piece of paper. He drew little antennas. "Want something to do?" He drew a shiny bald head, and big eyes. "Shoot." Some glasses to go on the eyes... a tie for the neck... long legs, long arms... "How about joining Frohike, Byers and me in Area 51?" "Reallly???" Mulder exclaimed. He drew high-heels on the alien, sucking in his lower lip in concentration. "Really, Mulder." "When's the flight?" Mulder gave the alien a skirt, a very short skirt. "Not the REAL Area 51, Narc!" Langly chuckled. "Hey, you okay over there, Mulder?" "Yeah... just drawing something..." Mulder drew eyebrows, one higher than the other. "Whaddya drawing?" "I dunno... where's the Area 51 you guys are talking about?" Mulder gave it a suit jacket. "In GeoCities." Mulder made a little bubble next to it. "You mean on the internet?" "Yeah. Want the address?" "Sure." He wrote 'WE ARE BORG' in the bubble. "Here it is: www.geocities.com/Area51. When you get there, just hit the chat box, ok?" "Got it," Mulder said. "Hey, do you guys have a scanner?" Langly started talking in incomprehensible computer language, indignantly. "Okay, okay...could I use it sometime? I've got a picture I'd like to put on the X-Files Webite." "Sure, just fax it over." Mulder brought his new drawing over to the fax machine, and faxed it though. He heard paper rusting on the other side. "Hold on... it's coming through... Mulder, what the hell is this?" "Oh, just some of that new-age art you're always raving about, Langly," Mulder said, grinning. "Do you like it?" "We are Borg?" "You *will* be assimilated if you don't pst that for me." He heard Frohike let out a yell of outrage. "Mulder!! That looks like Scully, Skinner, and an EBE! What kind of sick freak *are* you?" "A sick freak whose seen more of Dana Katherine Scully than you ever will, Frohike." "Asshole." "When should I go into Area51, Langly?" "Anytime. I'm there already. There's some hot chicks in here. Hey, Mulder, there's someone named 'Starbuck' in here. Maybe Scully's as lost without you as you are without her." "What are you insinuating?" "Nothing...." Mulder hung up the phone, and flipped the switch of his computer, then his monitor. He placed the keyboard on his lap so he could type and keep his feet up at the same time. His background came up, a picture of a UFO sighting from Ellens Air Base he'd scanned in. For 20 bucks, it wasn't too bad. He clicked on the internet icon, and logged in. He typed in the address, clicked on chat, and entered under "FoxyGMan." A new, smaller window popped up, and a turquoise and grey screen popped up. He'd never been in a chat room before, and he thought this one was uggglllllly. When the grey cleared, he looked over to the list of users. He recognized the Gunmen immedately. His screen looked like this: ROLLINGSTONES: THE BEST MUSIC ON THE WEB FoxyGMan Flukey1013 InvisigothIsHot JFK I_Killed_Kenny LordManhammer MadHatter_42 Starbuck WellManicuredWoman --FoxyGMan enters the room-- FoxyGMan: Greetings from planet earth. WellManicuredWoman: Hi, Foxy! JFK: Mulder! InvisigothIsHot: Hello. MadHatter_42: Hi, Foxy! LordManhammer: Took you long enough. Mulder?? Is that you? FoxyGMan: Still think I'm an asshole, Frohike? Mulder sat up, and fell off his chair. "Damn," he mumbled to himself. He had to stop leaning back so far. But that was the fun of it....live life dangerously... but what was his partner doing in a chat room?? For that matter, what was he doing? Scratching his back, Mulder re-entered the room, and sat back down, this time leaning even further back. THE TRUTH IS IN HERE --CLICK HERE-- FoxyGMan Flukey1013 InvisigothIsHot JFK I_Killed_Kenny LordManhammer MadHatter_42 Starbuck WellManicuredWoman FoxyGMan: What's that banner up there do? LordManhammer: Forget to tell you. CM's won't let you curse in here. JFK: Don't touch it, Mulder. Government tracking device. FoxyGMan: CMs? WelManicuredWoman: w/b, Foxy one. Mulder?? IS that you? InvisigothIsHot: Chat monitors. They're everywhere. FoxyGMan: How do you send someone a private message? I_Killed_Kenny: Nice name, Invisigoth. SO gay. JFK: Highlight the name, then click user options, and go to Private Chat. InvisigothIsHot: I'm hurt. The lovely Agent Scully sends you private messages, and not me?? After all the romantic poetry I send to her.... --sobbing-- Starbuck: Bite me, Frohike. InvisigothIsHot: Bite Me, Kenny killer. It;s me, Scully. Waht are you doing on here? InvisigothIsHot: I just got very turned on, Starbuck..... call me Ishmael, oh beautiful one. LordManhammer: Hey Starbuck, Foxy over there drew a very interesting drawing of you earlier. I'd ask the same of you. I was just looking some stuff up in Yahoo! for a case file, and ran across this, just to see what it was like. FoxyGMan: Down, Frohike. I_Killed_Kenny: Fuc* you, Invisigoth. InvisigothIsHot: That you, oh noble CM. Starbuck: What sort of picture, Langly? InvisigothIsHot: Shame. She was hot.... LordManhammer: Oh, just a little drawing Mulder made of you, skinner, and a little green man. JFK: I've got some paper-work to do, guys, I have to go now. FoxyGMan: Gray. Starbuck: I'm not sure how to comment on that one. LordManhammer: Whatever. FoxyGMan: Well, Langly, at least I don't call myself Lord Manhammer in honor of the backs of Middle Earth. Flukey1013: I need sugar....SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR.... Starbuck: Flukey, are you a female? Invisigoth IsHot: So, Scully, what do you say, tomorrow night at your place? BYOW? Flukey: Sure am. Why? Starbuck: Mulder, kick Frohike for me. LordManhammer: Yeah, well, at least *I* didn't get put in a psychiatric ward, strapped to the bed because I thought my boss was being eaten by a giant MANTIS!! FoxyGMan: --kicks frohike-- How *dare* you hurt my partner!! Starbuck: Now, look at this, Flukey. Typical male behavior. Forever savage to one another, fighting over the female of the group, stumbling fools are what they are. No wonder society is such a mess. It *is* a man's world. InvisigothIsHot: --reaches up, grabs Mulder, and pulls him to the ground, knocking the air out of him.-- I shall protect you from the evil Monster-boy, fair maiden!! FoxyGMan: Touche, Langly. Now get this little troll off of me. Flukey1013: Amen, sister. Men are the dominant ones in society these days, and it's not fair. They call us inferior, protect us like we're so fragile, when we're always the ones humoring them. This Foxy, is he your partner? LordManhammer: --reaches down and lifts Frohike off of Mulder-- Doohickey, you need some serious help. Starbuck: Yeah, why? FoxyGMan: --runs around the room, dancing a rain dance-- Ahh-eea-hhhii-iah!!!!!! Flukey1013: He's hot. Is he available? InvisigothIsHot: Get your hands off me, Garth. --presses the silver button on his chest, and transforms into a giant Garthok-- HAHAH!!!!! Defeat me now, LordManhammer! Starbuck: You don't know him. And no, he's not available. Do you have any chocolate? FoxyGMan: --bends down and kisses Flukey's hand-- Greetings, fair maiden. I shall rescue from that evil wench. --lifts her off the ground, raises her above him, and begins his rain dance again-- LordManhammer: Ah, it's That was, is it? I'll fight fire with fire. --his eyes glow, and he transforms into a giant replica of an IRS agent, blondge hair flowing-- HAHAH!!! Die, Garthok!!! Starbuck: You hot, Mulder? He IS hot!! FoxyGMan: I think your friend can answer that question. --drops Flukey onto the ground, then flips cartwheels along the walls of the room-- I am henery the 8th I am, henery the 8th I am I am... I been married to the widow next door.... InvisigothIsHot: Okay, I don't feel like playing this. Scully.. please, will you go out with me?? Puh-LEEZE?? Starbuck: See? Sad, isn't it? Flukey1013: Yeah. and your partner just dropped me. asshole. LordManhammer: Uh-oh, Frohike, I'm detecting something cosmic from the CSM-2000. We better go. Hasta la Vista, Mulder and Scully. InvisigothIsHot: --kisses Scully, slowly and sensously, on the lips-- Something for you to remember. FoxyGMan: --kicks Frohike-- Starbuck: He's a persistent little troll, isn't he? FoxyGMan: Got that right. Hey, Scully, can I pick you up? Starbuck: What??? FoxyGMan: It's for my rain dance. I need to raise you to the sky to summon up the spirits... Starbuck: So you can drop me, like you did to Flukey? FoxyGMan: Well..... maybe....but I'l do it softly, okay? Starbuck: --Sighs in resignation-- Fine. FoxyGMan: --Picks Scully up, swings her into the air, and dances around the room, chanting that really annoying song from the end of Free Willy-- (Hold me) (Lay your head lowly) (Softly then boldly) (Carry me there) (Hold me) (Love me and feed me) (Kiss me and free me) (I will feel blessed) Starbuck: Mulder? FoxyGMan: Yeah? Starbuck: Where did *that* come from??? And let me down, please. FoxyGMan: Oh. Right. --lets you down-- I dunno.... I just had the song in my head, that's all... Starbuck: Mulder? FoxyGMan: YeaH? Starbuck: How many times have you seen Free Willy? FoxyGMan: Ummmmm....... Starbuck: Mulder? Still there? FoxyGMan: Hey Scully, you want to play a game? Starbuck: --is confused-- Yeah, okay. FoxyGMan: It's called.... Truth or Dare.... Starbuck: Agh!!! Mulder, I HATE that game!! FoxyGMan: Too late! I called you on it, and you said yes, so tooo laaattttee! Starbuck. Fine. You go first. FoxyGMan: Truth or Dare, Scully? Starbuck: Um..... truth. FoxyGMan: Spoilsport. Starbuck: Don't get too upset, Mulder. It's not like you can do a lot in here, anyway. FoxyGMan: I could think of something... Starbuck: Mulder? FoxyGMan: YeaH? Starbuck: Are you insinuating something? FoxyGMan: Quiet, Scully, I'm thinking, remember? Starbuck: Oh. Yeah. LLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAADEEDADDLIDADLDIDLDIDIALALALALALALFALALALALALALALALALALALALFALALFLALFLALAH!!!! FoxyGMan: Too late. Already got one. Starbuck: --pouts-- FoxyGMan: Now that's how you a distract a man, Scully. Starbuck: Wha? FoxyGMan: Nevermind. HEre's my question: Starbuck: Tick tick, Mulder. FoxyGMan: Did you ever want to wax Skinner's head? Starbuck: LoL! Yeah... actually, a few times. My turn. FoxyGMan: LoL? Starbuck: That's puter for Laugh out Loud. FoxyGMan: In flagrante delicto, Scully. I thought you'd never been in these before. Starbuck: Truth or dare? FoxyGMan: Dare. Starbuck: Of course. Now I have to think of something...hmmm...... FoxyGMan: --jumps up and down on his feet, cawwing like a crow, then flaps his wings-- I WISH I WERE A BUTTERFLY, I'D FLIP MY WINGS AND AWAY I'D FLY, WITH A ZOOM AND A ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM AND A ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM!!!!! Starbuck: Mulder.... FoxyGMan: Yeah? Starbuck: Nevermind. FoxyGMan: Okaaayyy..... you got one yet?? It better be good, Scully. Starbuck: Yep, I got one. I dare you to call up Skinner's number, and ask him to buy a deluxe version of a miracle bra. FoxyGMan: Easy. Starbuck: Not really. We both have 3 way phone conference, so I want to listen in. Make sure you do it. FoxyGMan: Okay. Want me to call you, or you call me? Starbuck: I'll call you. FoxyGMan: Okay. Mulder backed away from the computer, knocking the basketball on the way, and picked up the phone. He dialed Scully's number by heart. "Scully." "It's me. You ready?" "Whenever you are." Mulder swallowed. He had to admit, he felt pretty stupid doing this, and he hoped Skinner didn't have caller ID. "Do you know his number?" Mulder asked. "Yeah. It's right here.... 555-8251." "Okay. I'm dialing." Mulder punched in the buttons, and waited for the AD to pick up the phone. "Skinner." Mulder heighted his voice, and added a little lisp and southern accent. "Yeth, thith ith the Miracle Braw thervith, athking *you* if you'd like to buy one of our premium brands.... guarunteed to height Male attention." "Well..... yes, I'd like to buy one, Miss. How much do they cost?" Mulder's eyes widened. "They cost," then he remembered his voice and the lisp, "they cotht 45 dollars." "I'd like to buy one, please. To tell the truth, it's for one of my agents. You see, he was dared to do this to me, and I'm going to ask him to report to my office *immediately* tomorrow morning, first thing." "Sir.... I'm sorry... Scully made me do it." "But me no buts, Agent Mulder." Mulder's eyes narrowed. "Scully!!! You are one SICK chick!!! This is *you* isn't it??" Hysterical laughter on the other end. "Yeah, I hope you choke..." Mulder muttered, then his eyes lit up like fireflies. "YOUR turn. Truth or dare." Scully couldn't control her giggling. "Dare..." she hiccupped. "Okay, Scully. I have a good one." His finger traced the edge of the keyboard. "How about we go over to the local kareoke bar?" "Mulder!!!!" "Yes?" "You WOULDN'T!" "Why, Scully, whatever do you mean?" he asked innocently. She grumbed something he couldn't hear. "FINE. Now?" "Now," Mulder said. 79th Street Washington, D.C. Mulder walked lazily into the kareoke bar, dressed as best as he could in a Clint Eastwood. He even had a cigar sticking out of his mouth. He wanted to embarass Scully to his fullest potential. Just then, right behind him, a small red-head entered the room in a pale pink t-shirt, and loose blue jeans. "Where the hell is he?" he heard her mutter. "Right here, Miss Scully," Mulder said, turning around. He took in her look of shock, loving every bit of it. He was wearing a cowboy hat, brown leather pants, spiked black cowboy boots, and the traditional mat-like thing around his neck. He grinned, the cigar sticking out of the corner of his mouth, his fox-like teeth shining. "Hold your horses, becuse you're in for a ride." He leaned over the bar, whispered something to the bartender, who handed a mike over to Scully. Mulder beamed at her, taking out his cigar, and possing it in the wastebin. On all the TVs, a song background flickered on, and the crown turned to face them. He bent over and whispered into her ear: 'Just think of yourself as a red-headed version of Cher, Scully." He leaned back, and had a mysterious gleam in his eye. She was scared stiff. She nodded to the bartender, and music started to play. Piano first, and she recognized the tune in an instant. She whirled around to face Mulder. "Oh, my God." She took a dep breath, and started singing, softly. 'Put on my blue suede shoes... And I boarded the plane...' her voice cracked a little out of nervousness, and Mulder felt a little twinge of guilt. 'Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues...(cleared her throat) In the middle of the pouring rain.' "Relax, Scully. Just sing it. Let the music take over." Scully nodded, and blinked slowly, her head a little clearer, and she sang clearer: 'W C. Handy - won 't you look down over me, Yeah I got a first class ticket But I'm as blue as a boy can be' She smiled a little, and lifted her chin. She looked over at Mulder, the back at the TV. 'Then I'm walking in Memphis... Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale, Walking in Memphis... But do I really feel the way I feel?' Mulder took his hat off, and the ridiculous mat-thing, and sat down on the stool to watch Scully. She really wasn't half bad. Scully kept her eyes glued to the screen, but took Mulder's advice, and let the music tell her where to go. 'Saw the ghost of Elvis... On Union Avenue. Followed him up to the gates of Graceland, Then I watched him walk right through.' Her voice gained confidence, and she sang a little louder. The audience, was standing up now, their arms sway upward to the beat of the music. She really did feel like a red-headed Cher. 'Now security they did not see him, They just hovered Tround his tomb. But there's a pretty little thing, Waiting for the King.. Down in the Jungle Room!' Scully threw her head back a little, truly loving the music. Mulder crept up behind hear and whispered, "Keep going, FBI woman." She smiled, and sang even louder, grabbing hold of his hand and squeezing it. She sang the next part looking at the audience which was hooting and cheering for her. She was in heaven. 'Then I'm walking in Memphis, Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale. Walking in Memphis... But do I really feel the way I feel?' She peeled her eyes away from the audience, loving the way her voice sounded as she sang, loud and clear, but this part softer. 'They've got catfish on the table, They've got gospel in the air. And Reverend Green be glad to see you, When you haven't got a prayer... But boy you've got a prayer in Memphis.' Scully swayed with the music, in the same rhythm as the audience. Then, Mulder came up behind her and lifted her so that she stood on the bar. It was huge!! There were a million people watching her, and she grew a little fearful. But Mulder grabbed hold of her hand, and she took strength from him. She looked over at the TV screen, now eye-level with it. 'Now Muriel plays piano, Every Friday at the Hollywood. And they brought me down to see her,' Scully smiled at the next words, and the audience whisted and clapped as she sang them. 'And they asked me if I would - Do a little number, And I sang with all my might And she said - Tell me are you a Christian child? And I said Ma'am I am tonight!' She didn't need the screen for the next part, so she held her hand out to Mulder, ans she sang, and helped boost him to to the bar. He was a little unconfortable at first, but the Scully moved directly in front of him, and he put his armsaround her from behind, raising her other hand so that it could sway with the music, like the audience. Then, they both danced to the music, with Scully singing louder now than ever before: 'Then I'm walking in Memphis! Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale, Walking in Memphis... But do I really feel the way I feel?" Her head turned, and she looked up into Mulder's eyes, completely exhilarated, as the audience clapped and whistled and cheered. "Thank you, Mulder," she said softly. "Your welcome," he said, and raised her hand to his cheek. The applause grew louder, then everyone moved slower, and slower...and ssllllooowwwerr.....aannndd sssssllloooowwwwweeeerrr.......... .....and they lived happily ever after. THE END. So tell me, did you guys like it? Told you the ending would totally unexpected. ;-) Please, write to me!! Pleasepleasepleaseplease...... Anything, a line or a life story, good or bad, just let me konw you read it.... please?