From: Rebecca M Compeau Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 13:46:03 -0500 Subject: No Subject Provided Source: direct Title: DeadAlive 2-Nothing Else Matters Author: Soleil Compeau Summary: The importance of the partnership Keywords: M&S friendship, Character death, Songfic Rating: PG13 for language Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are the sole property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and the Fox Network. No copyright infringement is intended. Lyrics from Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters" also used without permission. Author's Notes: Please don't flame me for this one. What I'm trying to do is track Scully's progress through the holidays, as well as show her in the stages of mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Scully has hit Anger in this fic. A sharp rap on the door startled Scully; then she remembered what day it was. She opened the door and looked at the gaggle of small, solemn children. One Sleeping Beauty, one gypsy girl, a Batman, a zombie, and in the back, a little boy dressed as an alien. "Trick or Treat!" they chorused in unison. "Here you go," she murmured as she placed mini candy bars in each bag. When they left she sagged against the wall. That alien costume had rattled her. She wondered if Mulder had enjoyed Halloween as a child. He had certainly enjoyed it as an adult. He often teased her about the supposed X-Files associated with Samhain. Scully strode into the kitchen with jerky movements, barely in control of the strong emotions gripping her. She didn't want to think of Mulder right now and decided on a soothing cup of tea. When it was ready, she tried to stir in a dollop of honey, but her hands shook badly and she burned her fingers. "Goddamn it!" she screamed and hurled the mug against the wall. It shattered, of course, and the tea made an ugly stain on the wall. "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!" Scully stomped around the rooms she had existed in for so long. Her upstairs neighbor, the one who always played his music too loud, was listening to heavy metal. Good. I'm in the mood for something violent, she thought. Scully snapped on her stereo and twisted the dial savagely until she found the right station. I've been turning to music a lot lately. Must be the Mulder in me coming out. No! I don't WANT any Mulder in me! Her hand drifted over her stomach, down near the pubic bone where her uterus was. Bit late for that Dana Katherine, she scolded herself. "OK, that was Whitesnake's "Still of the Night." Next up, we've got some Metallica for you after this short break." Scully pulled awkwardly at her sweatpants and T-shirt while half listening to the advertisements. Her body felt heavy and ungainly. Her waist had thickened and her breasts were fuller and more sensitive. She wasn't quite big enough for maternity clothes yet. The song came on and she listened raptly. So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know As the song began to repeat, a dull fury swept through Scully. This person might as well have been singing about her partnership with Mulder! The fury boiled over. "Fuck! Fuck you Mulder! Oh, you've really done it this time. You've pulled off the ultimate ditch." She snatched up the picture of Mulder she had shown to Absalom just before he was found and addressed it with hatred in her eyes. "Was that damn spaceship so important Mulder! Why? Why did you leave me behind? WHY?" Scully crumpled the picture into a ball and flung it from her. Being only paper, it fluttered harmlessly to the floor without making the satisfying thud she wanted to hear. She grabbed one of her dining room chairs and rocked it hard against the floor again and again. She understood now why Mulder had banged his computer table when she told him about his mother. It felt good to exert control over something, even something as stupid as thumping wood against the floor. "Shit." Scully's strength finally gave out. She clung to the back of the chair, panting a bit. More children were knocking on her door. She didn't want to deal with them. Bad enough she was pregnant. Bad enough she had no father to help with her child. Bad enough she had been penetrated by a test tube instead of a man. She and Mulder hadn't completely worked out the details of their agreement concerning the baby when he was taken. Yet another thing he had failed her in. Bastard. Scully decided to go to bed. The trick-or-treaters would be disappointed, but Scully needed the blessed ignorance of sleep to forget. Mulder had ditched her again, and there was no way to save him this time. God knows she had tried.