From mjh@psnw.com Mon May 26 14:08:13 1997 Subject: (no subject) From: "Jack B. Harris" -------- TITLE: DEALING WITH IT AUTHOR: JANE HAWLEY RATING: PG, S, V SPOILERS: GETHESMANE SUMMARY: Scully deals with Mulder's death DISCLAIMER: Okay, same old, same old. M&S aren't mine. I'm not a thief. (It wasn't me honest!) I'm not doing any wrong. Just spicing up their lives since mine isn't. Hope you like it. I tried first person. If you don't like it I won't try it again promise. Thanx goes to the usual. I miss you Crystal! Is someone knocking at the door Is somebody ringin' the bell Do me a favor and open the door and let them in. This takes place after Gethesmane. If Mulder is really dead. This is Scully's thoughts on him and his death. Its different I will say that. Thanx for reading my stories. I hope you like them. Let me know. Dealing With It by Jane Hawley I went through hell when Dad and Missy died. I thought that had been unbearable. I was wrong. I am sitting in my apartment. I had left the meeting and went straight home. There was nowhere else to go. No one to talk to. No one would understand. Who could understand my pain? I lost my partner. Mulder was gone. I also lost my best friend, confidant, and life force. What do I have without Mulder? A whole lot of nothing. I get up from the couch and walk to the bedroom. I sit down on the bed as the tears I had desperately tried to keep at bay fell. I rock back and forth. I shake uncontrollably, almost violently. The pain is so intense I can feel it seep in through my body. "Oh god, Mulder," I cry, "I need you. Oh my god." I slide to the floor and sit until the sobs subside. I sit up. I'm so emotionally drained. I can't feel anything but pain. I'm numb to anything else. I want somebody to talk to, but who? Everyone is going to be sympathetic but no one is going to be any help. I take a look around me. I see a lot of things that mean a lot to me. But now they don't mean a damn. My life means little now. I don't run from problems but now I'd like to run. If I knew I wouldn't hurt my mom. She's lost so much because of me. What can I do? I cause so much pain. Actually the X-Files cause the pain. I stand up and get my nightclothes. I still wouldn't trade any second of working on the X-Files for anything. I crawl into bed hoping to get some small amount of sleep. Maybe dreams will stay away tonight. I softly whisper something I've never said aloud before. "I love you Mulder." I close my eyes to the tears that once again fall. I wake up around 9:30. I took today off. Skinner understood. As I'm fixing something to eat there's a knocking on my door. Not in the mood for guests I still my hands and sit down in a chair. Maybe they'll think I'm gone. The knocking persisted. I say softly, "You're stubborn but today I'm more stubborn than you." I put my head down on the table. I feel lightheaded. I figure it's from the stress as the person behind the door left. I got up and continued with my breakfast. I turn off the ringer on my phone first. I don't want to talk to anyone now. I prefer to be alone. My thoughts return to Mulder. As they usually do. How can I make myself survive through this? Can you live without your other half? He's my reason for surviving the cancer. He refused to believe there wasn't a cure. I knew this. I accepted this. I look out the window. I don't really see people or streets. I will be reassigned. I will get through this. I usually do. The pain will linger but I will get through this. The way this cancer is moving I may end up leaving the bureau. What does it hold for me? Emptiness and lies. I would like to uncover the lies and expose these people. I stand up and walk to the couch. I change my mind about breakfast. I'm really not jungry. I know I should eat. I'll be making myself worse behaving this way. Do I care? I can't say that I do. I want to see my brother but I don't want to hear what he has to say. I can't understand where he gets off talking to me about that. Mulder has always been there at my bedside, at my house, or wherever. This is selfish, I know, but I don't want to die without him. My mother will be there and maybe a friend or two, but not my best friend my... my... love. I will see him agsin. But can I wait that long? The End Did you like it? Please send all comments to mjh@psnw.com.