From aclaybor@busprod.com Mon May 19 01:10:24 1997
Subject: Death of a Truth Seeker 1/1
From: aclaybor@busprod.com (Amy C.)
--------

GEthsemane spoilers!!!!!!!! Beware!!!!'






Disclaimer: They aren't mine, they belong the evil
CC and the folks at Fox, so don't blame me for the
mess we are in!

Rating:PG 

Classification: Vignette, mucho Mulder angst, the title 
speaks for itself

Spoilers:Gethsemane!!!!!!!!!!


The final scene in Gethsemane made me think of the 
possibility where Mulder actually does commit the
act that we all know he really didn't commit. :)
Think of it as The Last X-File crappy style...

Summary: Mulder contemplates his existence and his
part in Scully's illness, with a fatal result.


Death of a Truth Seeker
by Amy C.


I sit here. 

Alone. 

Having had every belief that I
had come to rely on questioned by the one I trusted
the most.

Betrayal. 

I have been betrayed. 
Possibly by Scully, because she continually refuses
to believe every piece of evidence that I throw at
her. There is no evidence that is definitive to 
her. She held the alien fetus in her hand. She
felt them run past her in the vault. She was taken by
them. She needs proof to believe. She will never 
have enough proof to believe because she does not
want to.

 The other possibility is my government. 
I know they hide a truth, but what truth do they hide?
That there is extraterrestrial life on Earth, or
that there is not? Either is equally heinous. 
Have I been a mere pawn in their game of deception?
Have they fabricated me to further their agenda?
Was I created for this? I asked my mother who
my father was and got slapped for it. I am sure
I know why. The truth would be too hard for her to
admit, if my suspicions prove to be true. Did that
bastard create to me to do his work? 
I do not know the truth. I may never know. 

The one thing that I know in this is that Scully's
cancer is my fault. It does not matter whether she
was given the cancer to make me believe or to 
dissuade me from my pursuit of the truth. Either
path leads to me, and the word 'Guilt' is emblazoned
on my forehead. Scully's blood is on my hands, with
every nosebleed, every wound contracted in the line
of duty, and even with her impending death. She tells
me she is fine, yet I know deep down she isn't. I didn't
want to believe it, (ironically) but I see her now 
as she is and I know that she hasn't got much longer.
What will I do? I cannot live with her death on 
my hands, and she is dying. It is my fault. 
That is the only thing I
am certain of in my miserable life. I cannot live with
her death, with her blaming me for it...

I guess that means that I can't live. 

She says that I always ditch her to run off in search
of my own agenda, my own truth. This time, ironically,
I am running from the truth. The one truth I cannot 
live with. 

So I won't. May she forgive for my cowardice.



The end



Okay, got that negativity out of the system. Now bring on
the ones where Mulder *didn't* commit the act we know he
didn't commit ;)



Amy C.
aclaybor@busprod.com
cfoxrun@geocities.com
The Lovers of Mulder in Glasses Society
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/1577/LOMIG.html
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