From: perelandra@my-dejanews.com Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 16:49:11 GMT Subject: NEW: "Decade" (1/1) by Perelandra =========================================== TITLE: Decade AUTHOR: Perelandra (pen_phile@hotmail.com) RATING: G CATEGORY: V/A SPOILERS: General series/mytharc SUMMARY: Scully offers a prayer up. DISCLAIMER: "The X-Files" and all "The X-Files" related characters and situations are the intellectual property of the FOX network, Chris Carter, and 1013 Productions. This story is not intended to infringe on the above copyright in any way, and is for entertainment purposes only. SPECIAL THANKS: To my God, who saved me countless times in my life, especially in these two hellacious weeks. FEEDBACK IS THE FOOD OF LIFE...PLEASE FEED A HUNGRY WRITER! Please direct all feedback to pen_phile@hotmail.com. --------------------------------------- //Our Father, who art in heaven...// The beads feel small and soft; little pebbles that roll easily between my fingers. They are comfort, they are strength, bound together by small chain-links that bind together the fabric of my spirit. My lips feel rubber, detached, as they move to form the words that are a habit; move to speak the chants, the offerings I have done uncounted times before. The rise and fall of prayer's cadences have long settled so much into me that I mumble, the words unintelligible as they spill out, in formation, echoing ministrations around the empty walls of the chapel. Each word blending into the next, as I need not proclaim them to the world around me. Each word articulated clearly, boldly, within my soul as I send them up to You, wrapped and dressed in little beads; little packages of my heart. Each one a part of my life I offer up to You, Lord; each one a tear that fell from heaven to settle like sediment on my soul, ones I give back to You in fresh fall as I raise my eyes to heaven. //Hail Mary, full of grace...// One for the mysteries, the numerous unsolved and unsolvable that comprise the enigma that has become my world. The great unknown that has forced me to abandon my faith in an ordered universe. A universe in which I had always relied on You to guide me, to make me see Your wonders through the lens of science, and lead me to understand the truth behind Your workings. It is a truth I no longer believe in; a truth shaken and shattered by the machinations of the shadow forces that control our lives. A mystery whose shroud of damning lies and stratagems threatened to break the tenuous connection that held me to You. One for the lies. To save me from the web that envelops me, constricts me, suffocates me, clouding my clear vision with sharp, stinging light; blocking my cry, my way to You. One for the darkness which I must now face; one into which I entered blindly, my faith and my science a weak shield against the evils that rushed at me and sucked me in. The evil which I now carry inside me, my damnation marked clearly with a bit of steel and silicon. A darkness into which I must go in order to save myself, to go forward with my quest; for to quit is never, was never, an option. //The Lord is with thee...// One for the lives I have seen sacrificed in the search for the truth, though one is hardly enough. For the lives I have seen vanish in a flash of light, the pull of a trigger. For the pain I see every day of my life, each tear fresh with the emptiness of the unmourned dead. For each heart I have stilled forever with the sharp report of my weapon; their stilled beats like dead weight upon my conscience. That I should kill to save, that I should step deeper into the evil to perpetuate a preconceived good seems ridiculous to me as I see myself in them; souls screaming for a last reprieve as they are pulled forever into I know not where. One for forgiveness, Lord; reprieve for the transgressions of which I alone am responsible. For not having enough faith, and then maybe too much. For a mind so inflexible, so obsessed with finding explanations that I fail too often and too much to walk the necessary path; to let go and take a leap of faith. For the strength to believe, to truly believe, and place my life, my trust in You. //blessed are you among women...and blessed is the fruit of your womb...// One for a mother's heart, one that is burned to ashes and is buried among the dead. A mother's heart that so briefly, too briefly, flashed to fullness and the promise of fulfillment; only to dissolve back into emptiness with the debilitation of the damned. A mother's heart that struggles to keep faith alive against the barren fields of hopelessness; to believe in the future, a beacon to welcome home the hidden fruit and warm the tiny hearts of the children out there, unseen. //Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners...// One for a woman's heart, Lord, that loves almost too much to bear. A heart that longs so much to embrace him in the darkness; to comfort, to bring him back to the light. For a woman's heart that loves so much it has become as integral to existence as breathing; as if every breath, every beat of my heart belongs to him, becomes him, taking on the pain of his quest like a cross on my shoulders. A heart that belongs completely to him, commanding my soul and my body to walk always by his side, even into a darkness of which I know there may be no salvation. For understanding, Lord, that he may be my only salvation, as I am his -- a single silver thread holding us close, safe from the abyss of total despair. One for him, whose cross I willingly bear now until forever. //now and at the hour of our death...// One for us, Lord; grant us the strength and courage to hold the light of our quest boldly before us, to burn away the thicket of darkness and lies that have enveloped our entire lives. One as we stand at the precipice, our lives uncertain from moment to moment. To understand our own mortality; to understand our own fights and struggles, even as I understand how we cannot be without the other. For us, Lord, as we stand together now and always, placing our trust in each other and our lives in Your hands. //Amen.// One breath as ten prayers fly up to the heavens. One heartbeat as they sing with the angels. One life, my only life, I can offer You to save us from the lies and deliver us from evil. //save us from the fires of hell bring all souls into heaven especially those who are in most need of thy mercy.// Amen. ============================================ "Decade" by Perelandra (pen_phile@hotmail.com)