From: Easterhawk & Eagleclaw Date: 25 Jun 1999 12:41:10 -0700 Subject: xfc New: Decisions 2: Explanations TITLE: Decisions 1/1 AUTHOR: Easterhawk E-MAIL ADDRESS: aerierlh@gnv.fdt.net DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere is fine, just let me know so I can come and visit!! DISCLAIMER: Not mine (I wish!) - the belong to Chris Carter and the extremely talented David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson! Bless them! SPOILER WARNING: Through all current season episodes - but nothing specific RATING: R - language CLASSIFICATION: MSR A KEYWORDS: MSR A SUMMARY: This takes place the morning after the events in Decisions. You really need to have read that one to follow this one, but, in brief, Scully has made a decision about her relationship with Mulder and is acting on it. Now they have too deal with what all of this means. AUTHOR's NOTES: Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to continue this series. It is an ongoing project and, if there is enough demand, I will continue it. Therefore: Feedback is GREATLY APPRECIATED! Constructive criticism is fine. Flames will be given to my husband to be used to start the BBQ grill out back! DECISIONS 2 - EXPLANATIONS Dana Scully's Apartment Sunday 9:05 a.m. I guess I must have fallen asleep again, for when I looked at the clock, I realized it was after nine. Time to call my mother. I slipped away from Mulder's sleeping embrace carefully. Looking on him he seemed like a child, an untroubled boy slumbering peacefully. I would not take that way from him. When I said that I had two choices, to kill him or make love to him, I need to explain, if only to myself, that I never once considered the former option. It was just that I knew we needed to make a move in one direction or the other. If it took my waving a gun in his face to make him open up to me, that was what I needed to do. Is that an explanation? Or an excuse? Maybe it is really that I need to open up to him. If he were to die, to really die, I would lose a part of myself. I dial my mother's phone number from the kitchen with trepidation. She will want to know why he needs me. And I will have to explain why it has taken me so long to realize how badly I need him. "Mom, it's Dana." "Hi sweetie. Is everything okay? Do you need a ride to church?" "Mom, I can't meet you for church this morning. I'm really sorry, I just..." "Dana, you don't have another case do you? You're not sick are you?" "No, mom. There's no case, I'm not sick. It's just...." "What is it, honey? You're scaring me." "Mom, Mulder's here. He needs me." "Fox! Is he okay? Is he hurt?" "Mom, he's fine. It's just that we need to talk. About us." "Us?" "Mulder and me. Us, us." "Thank you, God. It's about time you saw the light." I have to laugh at my mother sometimes. "Dana, sweetheart, tell me this means what I think it means." "I don't know, Mom. I'm not even sure yet that I know what it means." "Scully!" Mulder is calling me from the other room and I can hear the panic in his voice. "Mom, I have to go." "Dana, is he okay?" "Scully?!!" "Mom, I don't know, okay. It's complicated." "I love you, honey. Go to him. He needs you. You never knew how he was there for you when you were gone. I'll pray for you. For both of you." "Thank you, mom. I love you too." I hang up the phone in time to see Mulder emerging from my bedroom in a panic. Something inside of him is broken and I need to put it back together again. I think that I have been there for him, that he has been the one to ditch me, to push me aside whenever I was inconvenient, only to run to me when he needed someone. The truth of the matter is, I have ditched him, emotionally, more often than he has ditched me. I have made him confess his love to me a second time, as if the first were not good enough. I am part of the reason for his pain. I am the one with the explaining to do. "Mulder, I'm here. I had to call my Mom. I was supposed to meet her for church." I go to him, taking him in my arms. He places a kiss on my forehead, breathing in my hair. "I'm sorry, Scully. I should go. You have things to do." "No, please stay. You are what is important to me right now." He pulls away from me, crossing to sit at the kitchen table, burying his head in his hands. "Last night you wanted me to leave. Now you want me to stay. I don't know what to do, Scully. I don't know who I am. Who we are, even." "Last night was wrong. I was angry, but not at you. I was angry at myself. I just didn't realize it at the time." "Scully, usually when someone is angry with themselves, they don't go around waving a gun in someone else's face." He paused for a moment in reflection. "Well, that is, unless they're postal employees." Leave it to Mulder to come up with a bad joke in the midst of a tense situation. I had to crack a smile, at least. "Look, why don't I make us some coffee and I have English muffins. We can talk about this like a two somewhat civilized adults, okay?" I needed him to stay so that I could make this right. The more I thought back on the events of the night before, the more I realized that I actually needed him. I just didn't know how to say it. I said it last night, but that was different. We were different. It is always so much easier to say what we really mean in the middle of some sort of trauma. He tells me I make him whole as I am trying valiantly to run away from him forever. I clutch him with all my heart and soul when I have just had my heart ripped from my chest. he says he loves me when he's drugged to the gills. I tell him I love him after pointing a gun in his face. Ours is not exactly a functional relationship. "Sure, Scully. Whatever you want." he still has not looked up at me. He has buried his face in his folded arms, resting on the table. His voice betrays no emotion. I fear that I have actually pushed him too far this time. "No, Mulder. I only want you here if you want to be here. I... I need you, but only if you still want me. I meant what I said last night, about this being the catalyst we needed. I could have made it easier for us. I just didn't know how to do that. I love you, Mulder. You are my partner, my best friend and, most importantly, the other half of my soul." There. I said it. that wasn't all that hard now, was it? Yeah, right. I've probably just gone and destroyed whatever chance Mulder and I had at repairing this relationship or partnership or whatever the hell it actually is. So, I decided to just start the coffee and let him make the next move. His arms encircle me as I stand facing the counter. His breath is warm against the back of my neck. He holds me tight against his chest. I am shaking as I try to pour the water into the coffee maker. He takes the carafe from me, pours the water and sets the machine to brew without a word. His arms still trap me. "I love you, Scully." He is whispering in my ear and I want desperately to respond to him, both verbally and physically. Having his body pressed this closely to mine is triggering some very interesting responses. I lean back against him, expelling a breath I had not realized I had been holding. "We can work all of this out." His voice is so confident now. I know that I can trust him with not only my life but also with my heart. I turn in his arms so that I can look up into his eyes. I need to see him when I tell him what I have finally discovered. "Mulder, I just realized something." "What's that?" He is smiling at me, not just with his mouth, but with his eyes as well. "I think the reason I haven't been able to trust you completely had nothing to do with you. It was me, all along." "How's that, Scully?" "I made excuses. It would be against regulations for me to fall in love with you. I couldn't let you love me because, if the cancer didn't go away, I would die and leave you alone. Those were not reasons, they were excuses. I was afraid to trust you to make decisions for yourself. I have loved you for years, Mulder. Nothing can change that. Now, I just have to trust you to decide whether or not you want to risk loving me." His smile grew wider and more radiant and I knew his answer before he spoke. "There's no deciding, Scully. I already love you. I don't say those words lightly. I don't take love for granted, and, when I do love, I love without reservation. You are the only woman I have ever loved." He leaned down and captured my lips gently. I could feel the underlying passion in his kiss, but I knew that we would take this slowly. There would be time for making love, in the not so distant future. Right now, we had a lot of other things to do on the path to becoming a couple. But I have always believed in the logical pattern of events. "First things first, Agent Mulder." I say, pulling away from his embrace. "What's that?" "Well, breakfast, for one. But first, you need a shower! You stink." "Oh, thanks. I love you too. I don't suppose you'd care to join me?" "Not this time." He seems a shade disappointed, but I think he expected that to be my answer. "Soon, though. you can count on it." As he heads for the shower I turn back to the task at hand, breakfast. "You still have some clothes in my closet." "Thanks." He has paused in the doorway and is staring at me with passionate intent and all consuming love. "Not many clothes, though. Maybe we should do something about that." "Yeah, maybe we should." He leaves me alone with my thoughts and my cookware. We have made mistakes in the past, bad choices, bad decisions. I never would have thought that we could come so far in one evening. But we have. And this time, I know we'll get it right.