From greekgypsy@aol.com Mon Jan 06 09:08:39 1997 The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts By: F. Soulis Part: 1/7 Email: fsoulis@aol.com Disclaimers: The characters and situations of the television program "The X Files" are the creations and property of Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting, and Ten-Thirteen Productions, and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. Summary: Mulder & Scully have been separated. Scully promoted and moving on. There are no major spoilers (maybe Beyond the Sea, Paper Hearts). Catagory: S WARNING: Relationship piece....lots of UST but no real steamy scenes (not in this piece anyway). This is my first attempt at fan fiction (though not my first writing piece). So, FEEDBACK is great, please E-Mail me. Flames will be ignored :) The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts "Who are you going to meet again?" He called from the bathroom. Dana Scully didn't even turn to meet her fianc‚'s eyes. She had told him a number of times the day before and today his habit of forgetting names and faces was annoying. Countless times, she would nudge him under the table at certain functions and mouth the name of the person sitting next to him. Or he would always allow Dana the opportunity to greet oncoming guests and casually mention their names three or four times until he recognized his cue. "Fox Mulder." She slightly raised her voice. Dana allowed the silence for Richard to make the connection. "Your ex partner?" "Yes" "The UFO files." he questioned "The X files" she lazily corrected and went to find her watch. "Oh, that's right." He walked into their bedroom now fully clothed, but shoeless. "He's the one they called Spooky." Dana stopped looking for her watch. Her eyes narrowed and her voice demanded attention. "Who told you about that nick name?" He still didn't meet her eyes. His body turned away from her looking for his shoes in their neatly organized closet. "Huh?" he paused looking intently on a brown pair of shoes and trying to examine each shoe slowly for any flaws. "Who told you about that name?" She repeated, only more harshly. "I don't remember telling you about that." She stopped and realized that her tone was bordering on mistrust. Richard still focused in on his shoes. , she asked herself. "I don't know why I remember it. I guess because it was so unusual." He left it at that. He didn't question why Dana's was getting so defensive. He just let it be. He would wait for her to tell him. That was the usual politics of their relationship, she thought. She relied on that. But today, well today, it just annoyed her. Stop it, Dana, she told herself, this isn't the way to start the day. Especially when you're having dinner with Mulder tonight. She laughed at herself for getting protective about a silly thing as Mulder's nickname. She walked over to Richard and kissed his cheek. "I don't know what time I'll be home." "Okay, have a good time." Richard found the pair of shoes he was looking for and began to place them on his feet. He didn't even notice she was out of the room and in the hallway and missed his reply. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first thing she did when she walked into her office was log onto her E-Mail. Her mail icon flashed and she clicked expecting a note from Mulder. She wasn't disappointed. Scully. Dinner at 8pm. Will meet you there. Casual. Red Spiked Heels are optional. He didn't sign his name. Forever Mulder, she thought. Not leaving any trace of himself behind. She checked her calendar and knew she had to be in her directors office in less than five minutes, but she wanted to sneak in a message to his E-mail. She signed on to her computer and type in her reply. Mulder- Will be there at 8. Wait for me outside. If you want red spiked heels, ask Froheike to lend you a video that's as close as you'll get. Scully. She smiled and turned off her computer. She allowed herself a moment to miss him. It had been six months since she had left the X-files. Before she left, she made a promise to Mulder that she would be there for him. There was no doubt in her mind that she was forced out of the X-files. The "official" word was that she would be promoted and moved to oversee a whole department of pathologists. Scully and Mulder knew the truth behind the official assignment; together they were a threat that could be diffused with the transfer of Scully. At first, she flatly refused, determined to stay on the X-files. But the higher-ups politely told her refusal meant dismissal. She flirted with the idea of leaving the FBI, but in the end, it was Mulder who convinced her to stay. For the first month, it was like nothing had changed. There were many nights of staying up and reading case files together, phone calls from George Hale and constant E-Mail messages. Then her inclusion began to taper off and Scully suspected that it wasn't Cancer Man, but Mulder who was determined to keep her distanced. Dana didn't let that stop her. She discretely dug and inquired until she was informed on his current cases. As far as she knew, Mulder wasn't aware of her involvement. At times, her conscious labeled her actions as spying, but she felt justified. Someone had to look out for Fox Mulder and she was doing it for so long, she couldn't stop now. She knew him well enough to conclude that Mulder was protecting her.. That intense concern from Mulder did not make her feel better. She hated being protected, especially from him. And tonight was the night to do something about it. The phone rang at her desk and brought her out of her thoughts. "Scully." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Who stole your heart, Mulder?" She asked. Mulder gave her a blank look. "Ariel, this isn't about anyone else." He knew that was true. There was no one else. It was just he couldn't give what she wanted. She would have to either understand that or walk away. "Yes, it is. Yes, it is. I just can't figure out who. But it has to be about someone. Because you couldn't create this emptiness by yourself. I know you couldn't." She stopped, because she sensed Mulder shutting her out. , she thought, Why was she wasting her time? She sighed. She was here because she wanted to be here, but it was time to come to the point of no return. "Mulder, this has to be easier." Mulder looked up at her. She was facing him. Her arms placed at her side. He saw the slightly clutched fingers bear into her palm creating a loose fist. Her body was positioned so she completely stood in front of him, blocking his space. Her eyes bore into him challenging him to disagree with her. "You're right, it should be." He simply said. "Do you ever remember a time when it was?" She asked softly. "Easier?" "Yes." He wanted to remember. He knew there was a time when it was easy. To just feel. To believe. To walk into an office and be greeted by a grimace or on a rare occasion, a smile. To be comforted by the brush of her fingertips. He remembered a time, "No, it was never easy, Ariel." She wasn't getting anything from him and she knew it. Why was he so stubborn? What was he protecting? "What are we going to do about it?" He knew they were at a cross road. Damn, he didn't need this now. He didn't know what he did to get here. He didn't intend to walk down this path. "I don't know what you mean. You and I have a good time together. We can stand to be in the same room together without arguing. Do about what? There is nothing to do but just go on." "I need more." "What do you need?" "I need you body and soul. Not just body." "There is nothing there to give." He instantly hated himself for letting that confession slip. God, did he sound that pathetic, that pitiful? It was a damn cliche. Broken Fox Mulder looking for someone to fix him. Ariel realized that was one of the most honest things that he had ever told her. The confession was the glimpse into the soul she was looking for. "Yes there is. I just may not be the person you want to give it to." She turned to walk toward the door hoping Fox would prove her conjecture wrong. He did nothing. One more chance, Ariel. Give him one more chance. She stopped at the door without turning around, she said into the door. "I'll give you time, Mulder. I'll give you time to think about this." She turned the knob and walked out and left Fox in his large, uncluttered apartment. Mulder didn't watch her go. His head was buried in his hands and he was paralyzed to move. His logic demanded that he run after her. She is perfect for you Mulder, she has everything. She beautiful, smart, funny. For God's sake, she has all the Knick's playoff games on tape. She rarely challenges every insane theory you have. Isn't that what you want? He asked himself. Isn't that what you need? What did Scully say to him when he asked her why she was dating the professor? 'I want to wake up in the morning and know where I'm going.' Isn't that what he wanted too? He should find someone like Scully did. If he could just figure out why Ariel didn't fit that empty space. Scully..... How come she was always somewhere lingering in his mind? She was always a thought to be dealt with; sometimes as a passing light memory. Other times, as a cause of his many sleepless nights. He was having dinner with her tonight. She had called him and refused to take no for an answer. That was his Scully. He grimaced, she wasn't *his* anything anymore. Face it Mulder, she never was. He broke the connection when he began to distance her from the X-files. That's when she meet that guy ......Robbie, Raymond.....what was it?? It's what you wanted, his mind repeated the mantra. You wanted her out of it. Safe. Away from you. And then the deadly realization reached him, if Scully ever knew the truth about her *promotion*, she would never forgive him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Part 1 From greekgypsy@aol.com Mon Jan 06 09:08:53 1997 The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts By: F. Soulis Part: 2/7 Email: fsoulis@aol.com See Part 1 for disclaimers and such... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She saw him before he saw her. His tall form was leaning against the wall outside the restaurant. His shoulder pressed into the hard concrete wall asking it for support. She could see his profile. He looked tired. Instinctively, Scully knew that Mulder was not getting much sleep. What was it this time? A case? A woman? Guilt about Samantha? Scully chided herself, She slowly turned the corner and snuck up on her ex-partner. He still didn't see her, so she lifted her fingers and grazed his sleeve. Mulder turned and an instant smile came across his face. His demeanor changed in a matter of seconds, from a brooding investigator to a friend. He opened his arms and let Scully be enclosed by his hug. And before Scully went to him, Mulder swore he caught one of Scully's rare smiles. He held her a little longer than what was their *usual* time limit, but at this point he didn't care. And then, she stepped back. She tilted her head to look into his eyes. "Hello, Mulder." "Scully, how have you been?" "Sleeping a lot better than you." She noticed. Of course she would, they were together close to five years. It was impossible to hide a lot from this woman. "I have a lot of vices, Scully. Sleep depravation is at the bottom of my list." He gave her a half smile and they eased back into familiar patterns. Scully's look was one he had seen before, but could never quite nail the meaning. Was it annoyance? Or was it a hint of amusement? He had forgotten how much fun it was to elicit those famous Scully looks.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She watched his eyes follow the swift waitress legs. Not much has changed for Fox Mulder, a pretty girl could always make his head turn. As quickly as the waitress walked to the kitchen, his head turned and faced Scully. "How's Robert?" "Richard." Scully corrected, knowing that it was useless. Mulder's photographic memory would conveniently become ineffective and he'd forget Richard's name. "Just fine. He's presenting a new discovery in gene therapy to the AMA. So, he's a little preoccupied, but otherwise everything is fine. And you?" "Oh, you know the Bureau, Scully. I think I have them going thru hoops and they really have me go thru larger ones." "How's Andrews? Poking holes in everyone one of your logically based, extremely well supported theories?" "She wouldn't do that, Scully. Most of the time she is just plain angry at me. Constantly, running up to our ADA and asking about proper procedure. Did you know there is a proper procedure to placing a phone call to your partner?" She looked at him trying to determine if that statement had any veracity or was it Mulder's sarcasm.. "You mean, 'Scully, it's me' is not proper procedure?" He smiled. Damn, he forgot how quickly his Scully picked up his sarcastic undertones. "I think she is still too afraid of me. She convinced that I have a voodoo doll in my top desk drawer and in my spare time I am trying to find the perfect place for the placement of the next pin." "Scared? Of you? You should have her talk to me, I'll give her all of your secrets." She leaned back to let the waitress place the food in front of her and then watched Mulder as the waitress deliberately leaned into him and placed his food in front of him. Mulder directed his gaze away from Scully and onto his food never once falling on the waitress. He must be hungry, Scully thought. Gaining his attention again, Scully began, "Mulder, you have to be patient. You can't go thru partners this quickly or they'll assign you to be one of my teachers. And frankly, I don't want all my students to think corpses are really 'little green men'." "Grey, Scully." "Okay, grey. Really, you expect too much too quickly." She paused. She had come here to confront him. She wanted to know why he had shut her out of the X-file. It was so unlike Scully to delay and skirt around a confrontation, especially with Mulder. But she was enjoying herself. It was almost like old times. His constant teasing and her sly comebacks. It felt good and she didn't want it to end. And she knew it had to. "Don't you want to know why I called our little meeting?" She started with a question. He stopped eating and looked up at her. God, she was beautiful when she was intense, he suddenly thought. Her eyes concentrated in his, her mouth slightly open. Waiting. Waiting for his attention. "I know why." "Really?" She arched an eyebrow. "Why?" Nice. Play mind games with Mulder, the psychologist, she thought sarcastically. She wanted him to take the leap in the conversation. "I won't let you keep tabs on me and you're worried about me." The statement hung in the air waiting for some acknowledgment. It was one of things she loved about Mulder, he certainly knew how to get to the core of the matter. "Yes, I am. But it's more than that Mulder. You know that. This quest, this search you're on isn't all about you." Her voice was small and very un-Scully like. She didn't realize her voice shook slightly until the words were spoken. Mulder noticed. This was going to be just as hard as he imagined it would be. He let her continue, instinctively knowing that she had more to say. "I have just as much invested in finding the answers as you do." She didn't want it to become a who-is-more-hurt argument. So, she left it at that. Her voice gained strength and with conviction she stated, "I need to know what is going on. I need for you to let me in." For a second, he looked past her. He caught a scene between a father and son. The boy had obviously won a trophy of some kind because it was placed in the middle of the table. He couldn't see the fathers face, but the boy was grinning. A large, happy smile. He didn't want to face Scully, but he owed her at the very least some kind of answer. "Scully, you have answers outside of the X-files. You found a life outside of this. You don't need to find answers here." Scully was now angry. Was this about Richard? No, she thought quickly it was about Mulder and his damn protectiveness. "How do you know what I need? You can't make that decision for me and you know that. It's my choice and I choose to keep going. And I can do that with or without you. And you know I can." Her voice rose to an angry pitch. "You once said that this wasn't about justice or answers, that it was about fate. Well, I don't believe that. It's about choice and I choose to keep going. I choose to find out the truth." She took a small breath in. "And I choose to do it with you." God, she will not budge, Mulder once again surmised. He wanted to believe that he was doing the right thing by keeping her away. But he knew there was much more than that. He wasn't that noble. She was getting to close him and he started to need her. And that truth terrified him more than any FBI case could. The opportunity came at the right time. Coincidence? Probably not, they knew when to make their move. They wanted him stopped and he wanted Scully safe. And he could now admit away from him. The perfect deal. He thought bitterly. "Scully, you have this great opportunity now. You can go far in the department. You don't need the X-files to be your albatross." He knew that wouldn't appease her, but it was a start. "It's still my choice." She said. How dare he decided what's good for me, she thought bitterly. "Yes, and I'm telling you that you should make it. Just away from the X-files." he didn't say away from me. But the implication hung there. Between them, creating a tension that Mulder was sure could be felt, touched, it was so strong. "Besides, how many times can I leave you behind? You don't need to babysit me anymore Scully. It's your chance. Take it and don't look back." He hated the way he sounded. Like he was doing this all for her. It was all about her. The truth was never spoken and he was a coward. And he knew it. He was scared. "I work alone. You know that and you hated that about me. But there it is. It's better this way, Scully." Liar, Mulder thought. She didn't believe him. "You know Mulder. Do you remember the first time you tried to draw a line for me? I didn't accept it then and I don't accept it now. There are no lines, Mulder. This isn't only about Samantha and your truth. I am involved. It's also about ME and Melissa. You know that. So don't give me any lines. Don't you dare draw any lines for me." She controlled the anger in her voice. Damn him, she bitterly thought, damn him for making her go out on this limb alone. Mulder couldn't meet her eyes. "It has to be this way." "Is that it? Is that all you have to say." Mulder finally lifted his eyelids ans met her eyes. She was a strong determined woman. Full of confidence, intelligence and fire. Her body language, her voice encompassed all these qualities. But her eyes. Her eyes gave her away. She was in pain, asking him to meet her halfway. To acknowledge her heart. "Do you trust me?" The question was inappropriate and took Scully to a place she didn't want to reach yet. "Yes, you know I do." "Then you have to trust enough to believe that this is right." "It doesn't matter, Mulder." she paused, knowing that in some strange way Mulder was doing this out of protectiveness. "It doesn't matter. You can try to keep me away. You can cut me off from your cases. You can even refuse to see me. But it doesn't matter." Her anger subsided and she found a calmness in her voice that unnerved Mulder. She spoke with a confidence that had no room for question. She continued. "We will always be connected. We will always be on the search together. It is a part of my life as much as it is a part of yours. And that's why you can't push me away or cut me off." He tried to find a comeback. Something that would make her change her mind and if his mind was completely focused he was sure he could. But it wasn't, her words gave him comfort. Scully's determination gave him a place to be. A place to stand with her at his side. He choose to end it there. He didn't want to end the feeling. "Scully, you are so stubborn." She heard those same words from him once before. He gave up then, letting Scully face death with him rather than saving herself. And she knew that she had *won* a small battle. And with Mulder everything was a small battle. For the first time that evening Scully graced Mulder with her rare full smiles. She too would let this discussion lie knowing that they would continue it again. And soon. Before he knew it, the waitress came by with the check. Deliberately, handing it to Mulder. He picked it up and noticed her happy note, "Thank you, come again sooner than later.....Tami." "Phone number?" Scully asked. Mulder looked up at her sarcastic grin, "Nope, must be losing my touch." Scully gave him her famous 'right, Mulder' look and reached behind her for her coat. Mulder stood and helped her on with her coat. Instantly she felt a longing for the *old* days, when she didn't need an excuse to be with him. He was just there. Mulder was feeling the same thing. He searched for a reason to prolong the evening, but there was none. He couldn't use the pretense of a pressing case. Besides, he reasoned Ariel would coming over to finish their "talk". He briefly debated on telling Scully about his entanglement, but shoved the thought aside. Dana was separate from any of the woman he dated. He walked behind her as she stepped into the brisk night. It was only April, but she felt a chill as she stopped at the entrance of the restaurant and turned to him. "Did you drive?" "Yes, my car is right down the street. Where are you?" Right there." She pointed to her car. They began to walk toward her car. As soon as the reached their destination, Scully stopped and looked up at Mulder. Sometimes, she wished that she was taller just to catch the subtle changes of expression in his eyes. They were so easy to miss, if she didn't pay close attention. Unconsciously, she stepped closer to him. Mulder wondered when he would see her again. It was easier to spend time away from her. He watched her find her car keys and place them in her hand, ready to go. He leaned in a bit closer and he thought how easy it would be.... With a slight move of his head, his lips could touch hers. Softly. Amusement danced in head. he pondered. If he could promise to keep it to just one kiss, it would be most interesting to find out. But he couldn't make that promise. He wasn't sure of much in his life, but that he was certain of. As quickly as the possibilities played across his mind, he dismissed those thought. Kissing her was the last thing he needed to be thinking about now that she was free. Free and safe. "Good night, Scully." he leaned in and hugged her. This time he let go rather quickly. Scully considered for a moment what had brought on his quick good-bye. As he was crossing the street, she called, "Mulder...." He turned and faced her. With his sudden turn, she caught the full impact of how handsome this man was.... "Promise me something." Mulder smiled at her ability to make his movement, his breath stop.... She looked so appealing. "What?" "Don't let the little green men keep you up at night. Get some sleep." "What makes you think little green men keep me up at night?" He couldn't resist that innuendo. He just wanted to see her famous....Oh, please Mulder look.. She didn't disappoint him. "Okay, then tell all tall leggy brunettes your curfew is 12:00pm." "What about petite, fiery, red-heads? What's their curfew, Scully?" Mulder came back, loving how his comment induced a half smile from her. "Good night, Mulder." She said giving up the game. She didn't drive away until he was safely in his car and then she started her own and headed back to her apartment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Part #2 From greekgypsy@aol.com Mon Jan 06 09:09:04 1997 The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts By: F. Soulis Part: 3/7 Email: fsoulis@aol.com See Part 1 for disclaimers and such... Mulder was still smiling when he walked into his apartment. He should have guessed the outcome of tonight; Scully refused to walk away. What did she say tonight? 'We will always be connected.' But somehow, he always ended up testing that connection. Observing and manipulating its limits and boundaries. And right now, he wasn't sure there were any boundaries. His phone rang and called him out of his thoughtful state. "Mulder." came his usual greeting. "Agent Mulder?" Said an very clip authoritative voice at the other end. "This is Agent Baster of the missing persons division." "Yes" Mulder said casually. "Agent Mulder, it appears that the coroner of Fairfax County has discovered a Jane Doe, age 32, that is a definitive match to your sister's DNA." Mulder froze. It must be a lie. A clone. "Where is the body? Agent Baster gave him the address of the coroner in Fairfax County and didn't wait for Agent Mulder's response. He correctly suspected that Agent Mulder would leave the phone off the hook while he raced to his car. Mulder had the strongest sense of deja vu. His emotions were rising. I did this when I thought it was Dana. It was whirling around him, trying to get into his thoughts, but he didn't want to feel that now. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to make the next green light and the next. Turn left on the upcoming corner. Keep the car moving. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dana Scully was typing her evaluation notes when her cell phone went off. She quickly checked her clock on the wall. 11:11pm. Who was calling this late? She answered on the first ring, so not to wake Richard. "Scully." "Agent Scully? This is Agent Andrews. I am Fox Mulder's partner." Oh God, Scully thought. A silent prayer from Dana began, please let him be okay. Please let him be okay. "Is Agent Mulder okay?" "Umm, yes, I mean no. I mean he's fine physically. I just got a call that they found Agent Mulder's sister." "They found her?" "A corpse turned up at the Fairfax County coroner's offices. The lab came back with a positive i.d. It is Samantha Mulder." "Where is Mulder now?" "Faifax County Coroner. I just got off the phone with him myself, but I thought you should be there. I mean he talks about you all the time and if anyone can help him you can. I don't know how I would be able to. I don't know if anyone can." "Thank you." She hung up the phone, found her keys and left her apartment. She didn't even think to leave Richard a note. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scully pulled into the Fairfax County Coroner's garage and saw Mulder's car. He's in there. What am I going to say to him? If this is true, how can I help him? She walked faster and found the elevator clearly marked. She pressed the floor and she mumbled "come on....please let him be there, come on." She didn't realize she was talking out loud. As she stepped off the elevator a panic rose inside of her. What if I can't help him this time? She saw a young woman at the desk. "Do you know where Fox Mulder is? "The FBI Agent?" Scully nodded and every minute this woman took to look up her records and determine his location made Scully want to pull out her gun and threaten her. Finally, the woman instructed her to which room he was waiting in. Scully expected to find him alone. He was. He was sitting in a uncomfortable chair. There was nothing in the room but empty space. No other chairs, not a desk, nothing, just Fox Mulder. His face was facing the floor and his hands were buried in his hair. He didn't focus on anything, but the floor beneath him. Dana's heart stopped. She thought again. She moved closer into the room praying that her presence would help him. He didn't turn. As soon as she got close enough, Dana put her hand lightly on his shoulder and moved her body to face him. He looked up and saw her. His eyes bore into hers and Scully didn't notice the tears forming in her own eyes. "Scully, It's her." The desperate statement was spoken loudly. He wanted her to understand. She watched his eyes and fell to her knees, so she could be closer to him. He looked down at her. Eye to eye. "It's really her. The body didn't decompose. There is no toxic alien blood, nothing, just human. I saw the body, Scully. It's her." "I'm so sorry, Mulder." Mulder hated pity. The coroner told him how sorry he was. Agent Andrews and his ADA called him to express their sympathies. He hated it. The looks, the touches, the light pats to the shoulder. But Scully was different. It wasn't pity from her. She had walked this journey before and there was an understanding beyond pity. It was as simple as empathy and as real as if Missy had been killed all over again. Looking into her eyes, he saw a reflection of his own grief. He wanted the protection of a bell jar, the ability to see the intensity, but not to feel it. He turned away from her and rose from the chair. He began to walk away, but he turned when Scully caught his arm. If he listened to his heart, all he wanted to do was close the space between them and be held by her. But he didn't have to move, because Dana walked toward him and put her arms around him. Fox took her lead and feel into her arms. The silence was broken and he began to cry. He cried for Samantha, for the little sister he could not protect. He cried for the years he spent looking for her and Scully simply held him. "Let's go." She said. She wanted to get him out of this place. Anywhere, but here with his sister's corpse just a few rooms down. He didn't ask where, he simply nodded and allowed himself to be gently pulled by her hand. . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He hadn't said a word on they way to his place. Dana Scully couldn't take him to her apartment and she cursed Richard for being there knowing that her anger was unreasonable. After all, she invited him to stay. So, she settled on Mulder's apartment. She walked ahead of him and instantly reached in her coat pocket for her key to his apartment. She still had the key. He never asked for it back when the Bureau had separated them. She turned the key and let herself in, feeling that Mulder was right behind her. He walked past her and sat on his couch. She reached for the light switch. "Don't" He said. The light from outside the apartment provided enough light for Dana to see him sitting on the couch, his hands on his knees. She couldn't make out his expression, but she was sure it was the catatonic look he had all night. She sat next to him on the couch and didn't say a word. Simply placed her hand into his. He responded by tightening the grip and then placing the other hand over her own. He knew she would stay there all night. In almost a cat like speed, he abruptly separated their hands and turned to position himself inches from Dana's face. Even in the darkness, she saw an lucidity in his eyes. An intensity that Dana felt lost in.... "Do you think she's scared?" He asked with conviction and she noticed the use of present tense. "No." Dana answered with the same conviction. "How do you know?" "I was there, Mulder. I felt it. She won't be scared." He looked into her eyes and saw only the truth. There was a small sense of comfort in her words. He turned back to rest his back against the cushion and laid his head on top of the couch. The easiest thing for him to do was to close his eyes. Dana didn't know how long they sat there, but she did recognize that Mulder had fallen asleep. She gave a silent pray, hoping that sleep would bring him some peace. So not to disturb him, she slowly moved away from Mulder. He sensed her movement and began to open his eyes. She leaned down closer to him and whispered, "Sleep, Mulder." He let his eyes close again and found a comfortable spot to rest his body. In the kitchen, she reached for glass and ran the faucet. She looked up into the living room and stopped what she was doing. Mulder. His face peaceful like a little boy. Sleeping. She wanted to take that hurt away from him. But she knew she couldn't. "We both lost so much." echoed in her mind. We both lost so much, our fathers, our sisters, our faith. She didn't realize that the tears were now slowly forming in her eyes. Missy. Samantha. She watched Mulder's chest slightly rise as he caught his next breath. She was struck with wonder of nature. Biology forcing the continuation of life whether the spirit agrees or not. The body unconsciously taking its next breath. Forcing your life to move on, despite everything. He would be okay, that she knew. She just knew. You're the bravest of men, Fox Mulder. She thought, the bravest of souls. A noise outside his apartment brought Scully back from her trance. She was conscious of the water running and she shut it off. A soft rattle at the door broke the room's silence. Scully rushed to the door keeping an eye on Mulder to make sure he didn't wake up. There stood a tall, leggy, blonde. Blonde? Since when does Mulder get into blondes and not a natural one at that, Scully thought spitefully. The woman was obviously surprised when she saw Scully answer the door. She tried not to let it show. Nice recovery, thought Dana. "Hello." her voice was cool. "Hello." Scully moved her body closer to this woman and forced her to back into the hallway. With her back against the front of the door, Scully pulled it closed to barely touch the door jam. The woman was obviously upset. "I'm sorry and who are you?" Scully certainly wasn't going to answer her questions until she got a few of her own. "Can I help you? Mulder is sleeping now." "I was just here earlier. I had some unfinished business with him. My name is Ariel." What Scully wanted to say was, But she stopped herself in time. Leave it to Mulder to pick the ones with the fictional names, first Disney and now Shakespeare. At least, his taste in authors was moving up. When Scully didn't respond quickly enough, she added. "Now, I didn't get yours." Ariel began to make the connection. She fit Mulder's description, petite, blue eyes, copper hair. "You must be Dana Scully." "Yes, I am." She paused and gave this woman a quick once over. "Mulder can't talk right now. I am sorry, Ariel." She added the extra emphasis on her name, "But he needs his sleep." Ariel did not like to be bullied. "I'll come in and wait." "I really don't think that is a good idea right now." She knew that it *seemed* to this woman that she intended to play out a soap opera, but Scully's motives weren't that tainted . Okay, she admitted to herself, just a little of her motives were out of jealously, but Scully was not going to let Mulder be waken by this *Bambi*. "Look," she paused..... "Ariel." she provided, assessing incorrectly that Scully had forgotten her name. "Look, Ariel. Mulder isn't exactly the easiest person to be involved with, that much I know. But he just went thru something hard for him and if you know anything about Mulder, you know that he doesn't sleep well. So, give him this time." Ariel sized up this petite woman. Small is the first thought that came to mind when she first emerged from Mulder's door. But when Scully began speaking, her demeanor and manner erased that impression from Ariel's mind. Unrelenting was the final assessment that Ariel had of Dana Scully. "Fine, tell him I came by." "I'll do that." Scully replied and watched the woman shimmy her way down the hall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scully couldn't sleep. She wanted to find out all about Samantha's case. She knew if Mulder was awake he would do the same. She sat at his computer. Now, let's see if he has the same password..... She entered "Trust No1." The screen flashed access denied. He changed it. Time to play the old guessing game. What prompted Mulder to change that password? She entered "Ariel". The 'access denied' from the computer made Dana smile. Okay, what would make him change TrustNo1? She heard her voice play back in her head. "You're the only one I trust." She typed "DS". Again, an invalid entry and the same result came with Dana and Scully. What other name had Mulder known her by? Her mind flashed to years before and then she typed "HelloStarbuck." Mulder's welcome screen came on. Nice touch Mulder, Scully thought, a name only you and I would know. She accessed the FBI files on Samantha Mulder and began to read the coroner's report. The coroner did not post Samantha's death as a homicide instead the death was ruled as an accident. Head injuries sustained as a result of the her automobile impacting a wall at high speed. Scully went through the entire report and noticed that a few of the details were vague and not conclusive. The most alarming was that there was not a examination report found on the back of her skull. The only way for her to know the complete story was to perform an autopsy herself. She sent in her request to examine the body via E-mail to Skinner office and shut down the computer for the night. It was silly really, but she didn't want to sleep in another room, apart from Mulder. She considered the chair next to the couch. One of the advantages of being petite she could sleep just about anywhere, she thought to herself as she curled up inside the chair. One of the few advantages, she mused, as her attention slowly drifted to the tall, leggy Ariel. I wonder if she treats him right and those were the last thoughts as Scully drifted to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Part 3 From greekgypsy@aol.com Mon Jan 06 09:09:13 1997 The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts By: F. Soulis Part: 4/7 Email: fsoulis@aol.com See Part 1 for disclaimers and such... When she woke up, she found herself on Mulder's couch. A Knick's blanket covering her body. She tried to remember when Mulder moved her last night. She barely recalled Mulder lifting her from the chair and laying her on the couch. She remembered opening her eyes and saying something, but then feeling the warmth of the couch and the blanket over her and the soft touch of his lips right above her eyebrow..... Kiss?? Mulder??? She stayed on the couch for a full minute and checked her watch. 7:30am. She fully expected Mulder to have left already and be drilling some coroner or police officer about Samantha's case. She stood to get ready. Today of all days, Mulder would need her in the office following up leads she uncovered last night. Damn, I shouldn't have slept in. She walked into the kitchen where she suddenly stopped. "What's the matter Scully, seen a UFO or something?" Mulder was sitting at his kitchen table. A coffee mug was placed between his hands and he was freshly showered. He was wearing his Saturday clothes; a T-shirt and jeans. "No, it's just that I thought you'd be gone by now." "I decided to take it slow today. Did you sleep okay, Scully?" "I should ask you that question." "Slept like the dead." Scully was used to his morose humor, but she didn't like the sound of him. She was scared. He wouldn't look at her for more than a few glances and grimaces. And when she did catch a sight of his eyes, they looked dead. Not angry, not hurt, just dead. His stance at the table told her the same story. No movement, just a man sitting stiffly at the kitchen table holding his coffee. "You had a visitor last night." She waited for the Mulderesque line to follow her set up, but none came. "Ariel?" he questioned. "Yes." She hoped she would see a hint of what he was feeling. Did he needed Ariel there instead of her? After all, they were dating even if Scully didn't know the extent of their relationship. For a moment, she considered asking him if the tall leggy blonde might be able to comfort him. "Mulder?" He looked up at her and Scully's head swam with grief. How can she heal this man? "I as going to go into the office and see if there was any further information about..." she didn't want to say her name.. "Last night, I logged into the FBI case on...." "I am going to the Vineyard, Scully." Mulder cut her off. It was clear that he didn't want to know. He didn't want the answers. Scully took a long breath in. She had a choice to make, should she confront Mulder and force him to speak, yell, feel, anything? Or should she stand back and give him time? She remembered Melissa. Her work eased the intense grief. Her work and Mulder, she thought. She didn't realize it until now, but he filled emptiness. The extra hour they spent on reviewing details of a case was another hour that Scully didn't have to grieve for Melissa. The Sunday afternoon he came by just to watch the game was another afternoon she didn't have the guilt of her sister's death overtake her. She gave a silent thank you and then focused on the moment in front of her. He is not me, Scully reasoned. She had to trust him enough to believe him. "I'll drive you to the airport." The silence wasn't during the car ride was not unusual. Mulder and Scully had many long car trips to little known places. She found comfort in the silence, knowing that just being present was enough. There was no need fill the empty air with language. She hated the silence today. She didn't know what to say. Every questioning look, every glance in his direction was answered with a blank stare. A nod without any verbal acknowledgment. Scully gave up trying. Give him a break, she thought, he just lost his sister. She realized that she needed him to acknowledge her signs more than he did, so she gave up trying. She took the airport exit and Mulder asked her to drop him off at the terminal. "No, I'll take you Mulder." "Scully, don't." He said with such conviction that Dana was a bit relieved to here some *life* in his voice, even if it was negative. "Okay." She said and drove up to the terminal, left the car running in park and stepped out the same time Mulder stepped out of the car. "Thanks for the ride, Scully." He paused and looked over the car at her. He wanted to tell her more. He wanted to find the voice inside of him that would give Dana some comfort. But the voice was silent and he began to turn and walk toward the terminal. "Mulder." Dana stopped his movement with her call. He turned and found her a few steps behind him. She stopped and looked up at him aware that her eyes were getting moist. She wanted to take him into her arms. She wanted to make Samantha appear in front of him safe and whole. She wanted to be bearer of his pain. She communicated all those feelings with one sentence "I'll be here when you come back." Something just below consciousness was rattling in Mulder's head. He looked into her eyes and he knew that something inside of him needed to be heard. If he walked away, the bell jar would remain in place and maintain the silence. Mulder turned and walked away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Margaret Scully opened the door to find her daughter standing in the rain without an umbrella. "Dana?" She pulled her arms around her shoulder and lead her in. "Dana, what is it?" "It's okay, Mom." Dana recognized the worried look. A familiar feeling of guilt swept up inside of her. Mom has been through so much, she didn't need to be scared more. "I was driving around for ahwile and I thought I'd stop. It's okay. I just needed to talk." "Come in." She lead her daughter to the couch and pulled the blanket around her shoulders. "Thanks Mom." Dana said in a light voice, she didn't want to scare her mom. "I just wanted to talk and I didn't have anyone to talk to." Despite Dana's reassurance, Margaret was worried. It must be Fox, she thought. Something happened to Fox. "Dana, what is it?" . "Mom, they found her." "Who?" "Samantha." "They found Samantha?" "Yes." Dana finally looked up at her mother. "Mom, she's dead." Margaret placed her hands into Dana's. "I'm sorry, Dana. I'm sorry for Fox." "I know I never knew her, but it's strange. It feels like I did. I was on this quest with him. To find her. And it felt like I did know her. That we were connected." She caught up to her thoughts and tears moistened her eyes. "I'm sorry she's dead, Mom." "Where is Fox?" "He went to the Vineyard. I just left him at the airport. You should have seen him Mom. You wouldn't of recognized him." Dana tried to find the words to make her mother understand. "I was prepared that maybe this day would come. That there was a possibility she was dead. But I always knew that he'd want to go on. Want to find out what happened to her. Find the truth. I was wrong. Mom, he's just as dead inside." Margaret remembered the days when Fox Mulder was facing the reality that Dana was dead. The grief inside of him was so strong, he almost destroyed himself. Margaret didn't know the details, but she knew that Mulder was steps away from self destruction those months. But at least, he felt. At least, he was alive even if that reality was filled with hatred. At least, he was alive. "He's dead." Dana repeated. "Give him time, Dana. He'll find his way back." Margaret intentionally left out the words 'to you.'. Her daughter would help him. Most of the time, Margaret stood back and marveled at her Dana's close relationship with this man, Fox Mulder. But she didn't pry and didn't tell her daughter what do to. Dana nodded and knew that he mother was right. "That's not all, is it?" "No, I'm sorry for us. For Mulder and I. We were bound together by this journey. Even now, when were separated and Mulder is desperate to get me away from the X-files. Even now, we were still bound together. To know. To find out the truth. The truth about Samantha. All these years, he carried around the hope and so did I. We were going to find the truth. We were going to be together and find the answers." Dana had felt terror in her days of the FBI. She had faced enemies and evils that no one should ever know. But the terror that was now rising inside of her was different. It had a different flavor, and the intensity was stronger than anything she had felt. "And now there is nothing holding you together." Margaret filled in where Dana was leading. Dana looked up into her mother's eyes and recognized that the terror she felt now had a name; losing Fox Mulder. And the guilt rose just as quickly as the terror. "I don't want to feel like that, Mom. I shouldn't be worried about this. Samantha's just died. I should be thinking of her." "And Fox." Margaret finished. Dana lower lip started to quiver. "I should be there for him, Mom." Margaret recognized the tears. She gathered her daughter in her arms and let her head rest against her shoulder. Her hand stroked Dana's hair. "The way he was there for me with Missy, Mom. I should be there. He needs to know that I am there." "He knows, Dana. He knows you're with him." Dana heard exactly what she wanted to and a sense of comfort came to her. She lifted her head and said "Thanks, Mom." Right when her cell phone started buzzing. God, let it be Mulder, she thought. "Scully." "Dana?" came Richard's casually greeting. "God, I hate it when you answer the phone that way. It's Richard." She glanced at her mother who was probably wondering if it was Mulder "Hi, Richard." "Where have you been? I've been leaving messages on your machine for at least half the day. I finally remembered that I had your cell number somewhere in my Rolodex. So, I had to drive back to the office and find your number." "Too bad you don't have a photographic memory." Dana said without thinking. "What a strange thing to say, Dana. Well?" "Well, what?" "Well, we are suppose to meet the Newlands for brunch in an half an hour and you are not here, that's what" His voice heavy with sarcasm. "Oh God, Richard, I'm sorry. I forgot. I completely forgot." "What's going on with you? Where are you?" "I'm at my mother's" "Oh, good, that means I could pick you up on our way to the restaurant." "Richard, no. I mean I can't go." "What? Why? Work? Come on Dana. It's a Saturday. And I specifically asked you if you had an work this weekend or not." "It's not work. It's that I ......" where was she going to start explaining. A ex-partners' sister died that I never meet and I'm too upset to go? Should she start with his name was Spooky? "Richard, I can't. It's a long story. Just give my apologize and trust me enough to explain later." "Trust you. Trust you??? How am I suppose to trust you when I have only been talking about brunch with my department head for the last month and a half. Checking with your schedule. Making sure with your secretary that you'd be available. How can I trust you when you walk out our your apartment last night, no note, nothing? Dana's anger was beginning to rise. "Look Richard, you can go alone." "Fine, I'll just half to" and she heard the dial tone. She looked at her mom who heard the whole thing. She gave her mom a half smile and understated, "He's a bit angry at me right now." "I would say so..." Margaret hesitated and decided to pursue it. "Why didn't you tell him about Fox?" "I don't know." Dana knew, she realized. "It's because he wouldn't understand. I mean it is a bit hard to grasp. Why am I so upset about a woman's death that I never met?" "It's not so hard to understand, Dana. I can see how it effects you. It's not so hard to trust him to see this part of you." "We don't have that kind of relationship. It isn't based on neediness. It's based on mutually separate individuals. I can take care of myself and he doesn't need anything from me. We're both mature, capable adults." "Dana." She sighed. Did her daughter really believe this? No, Margaret thought, she had seen her with Fox. "I know you are a strong woman. I saw you become this woman sitting in front of me that I am so proud of." She smiled and said almost apologetically. "But you didn't get there alone. You needed others to become woman you are." Margaret breathed and let Dana grasp each word that was spoken. "Don't be afraid to need someone." Dana stared into the tea her Mom gave her. She clasps her hands around the mug to feel the warmth of the liquid, hoping its warmth would rid her body of a dreadful coldness. "It's not only about needing someone, Mom. Its about him needing me. I can convince him that he needs me. I can convince myself that I can help him. But what if I'm wrong? What if I I'm lying to him and I can't be there?" Her mother knew this was about the abduction. Dana didn't want to say it out loud. Saying out loud would make it real, would make what those women told her real. She was afraid to die. She was afraid what her death would mean to him. It was simple, really. Dana wanted to give him a chance to find it with someone who wasn't cursed with the fear of an early death. Margaret's heart felt as if it was in pieces again. She knew that she couldn't convince her daughter that he would take her anyway she was, broken or whole. If only Dana could see that she was worthy of every atom of love he had for her. But she had to approach Dana with the truth slowly. She choose her next words carefully. "I believe he would take that risk." The discussion long stopped being about Richard. Both woman knew it as Dana heard her mother's words. Margaret recalled words she heard in Dana's hospital room years ago. "Have the strength to believe it." And almost as if on cue, Dana's phone rang again. She looked at her mom. It was probably Richard calling to apologize. Or make her feel guilty. "Scully." "Scully, it's me." She slowly exhaled. "Mulder." her voice quaked a bit and she didn't notice that her mother stepped into the kitchen. "Are you at the Vineyard?" "Yes, I just want you to know..." he stopped. What did he want her to know? There were so many things.... " that I got here okay." "Is your mom there with you?" "Yes, she's staying thru the week." Scully couldn't say anything. She felt the hesitant voice of her partner. She almost saw the abyss he was standing on the edge of. She wanted to hold his hand and bring him back. But she didn't know how. "Are you okay, Mulder?" He didn't say anything for awhile. He wanted to, but he remained silent, holding the phone in one hand. He back against the door jam in his mother's kitchen supported his whole body. He slowly slid down the wall and sat on the floor. She almost felt the beating of his heart. "I'm okay, Scully." he lied. His secret wall created the best hiding places. Scully felt defeated. "Mulder? When are you coming home?" "I don't know." He lowered his head and listened for the voice inside of him that proved its bravery against the greatest terrors. It was again silent. This is easy, Mulder thought. An empty space, nothing but skin and bones. "Mulder?" she tried to hide the pain in her request, but she couldn't. "Can I come there?" It was her request to meet in the place where she could see his face. To reach the face behind the face. She wanted him to respond, but she also knew that he would have to say yes. If he said no, she couldn't come. He would not let her in. He did just that and ignored her question. "Listen Scully, I hear my mother in the other room. I have to go now." It was the second time that night, he lied to her. He added, "I'll call, I promise." "Good night." She hung up the phone and watched her mother refill her tea. She knew that she wanted to know about Mulder. "He's dying, Mom." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Part #4 From greekgypsy@aol.com Mon Jan 06 09:09:20 1997 The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts By: F. Soulis Part: 5/7 Email: fsoulis@aol.com See Part 1 for disclaimers and such... It had been a full week since Dana had last spoken to Fox Mulder. She had called the Vineyard countless times only to be told by Fox's mother that he was fine. Then there was usually a pause and his mother coming back to the phone saying that he would call her back. Dana had been working the on Samantha's Mulder's case since he left. In truth, she was beginning to get obsessive about it. She requested a full two week vacation from her ADA and she began researching everything about Samantha's case. No one knew how the car appeared. There was no record of the car she was driving anywhere, not a rental car agency, not even the VIN number traced an owner or a dealer. At least she got the coroner to reverse his ruling that her death was an accident. After Dana's autopsy, she revealed that there were 3 fractures on the back of Samantha's Mulder's skull. Those could not be explained by the car accident and could only be produced by a blunt object hitting the skull. Dana was appalled obvious oversight the coroner had originally made. She spent a full week in the county office suspecting that the original report was not an oversight, but a conspiracy to have her death labeled as an accident. After questioning the coroner and all of his co worker, Dana began to conclude it was nothing more than gross neglect on their part. If the killer wanted her death to be ruled an accident, he or she wouldn't have left any skull fractures. The killer was just confident that he or she was not going to get caught. She hoped that the coroner was the key and when he wasn't, Dana didn't know where else to turn. Each body has a story to tell, this is true. But Dana was afraid that the story stopped here. She wanted help on this one and whished she could turn to Mulder. He would see something she missed. He would make the leaps and connections that her logical mind failed to do. Something didn't add up with the identification of Samantha Mulder. How did the coroner's office identify the body quickly? She knew that Mulder had the Samantha's DNA in the missing person's file in the FBI computers. When there was a Jane Doe at the coroner's office, procedure would be to contact the FBI and do a missing person's search. However, there was not an agent listed on the contact file nor any mention that the coroner contacting the FBI. It was almost as if the coroner's office knew her identification before the FBI knew. Before her work on the X-files, she would have passed by this minor fact without a second thought. But now, she questioned everything. And this had a familiar taste of an enemy she and Mulder had faced before. After all, this was not the first time Samantha Mulder suddenly appeared. At each time it happened, Mulder was closer and closer to the truth. Maybe Mulder was coming up on something and he didn't even know it. Maybe.... "Dana, open the door." Dana jumped when she heard the voice. For the brief second before she recognized the voice, her eyes instinctively sought out her gun sitting on her end table. Dana turned off her computer screen and walked to the door. Richard was standing there obviously upset. "Dana, my God. I was knocking on your door for five minutes." He looked at her. She was wearing her blue sweatshirt and jeans. Her glasses were on and she had an intense focused look in her eyes. "You were working on Mulder's case." She looked up into his angry eyes. "Yes, I'm sorry I didn't hear you. I guess I was just wrapped up in what I was doing." She stepped back and let him in. "How long is this going to go on? Don't you think it is about time you left it up to the professionals to handle it?" I am the professionals, you idiot. Dana thought instantly. She just gave him a *look* that Mulder referred to her I-will-not- be-bothered-to-respond look. Mulder always returned that look with his further goading. "What can I do for you, Richard? We didn't have a date or anything." Richard rolled his eyes and looked her over. She looked thin, too thin. When she was talking to him, her eyes were shifting back to her computer. He was tired of it. "No, we didn't. I just thought it would be nice to see you." He paused and waited for a response from Dana. She didn't respond. "Dana," he grabbed her hands and sat her on the couch. "I'm worried about you. This case. It's unlike any you have had before and you're doing it on your own. For what? For who? Mulder doesn't care. He doesn't return your phone calls. You told me that you think he doesn't want to pursue it. So, let it lie. Dana. No one cares." Just as she looked up at him, her phone rang. She stood up quickly and walked past him to her end table where her phone sat. "Hello." "Scully, it's Frohicke. Am I interrupting anything?" She looked up at Richard. "No, what is going on?" "Scully, we just pulled this off Mulder's E-mail." "You've been taping into Mulder's E-mail?" She sounded angry. Lord, if anyone could get these guys dates maybe they wouldn't be stuck in that warehouse... "Yes, well..." Frohicke paused. The last thing he wanted to do was have Dana mad at him, so he didn't apologize and went straight to the heart of the message. "Well, you're going to find out Monday morning anyway, but Fox just sent his resignation into the FBI. A CC went to his ADA and one to human resource. He also asked to forward all his correspondence to the Vineyard." "Scully, you there?" "Yes, I am here. Thanks, Frohicke." Her years with Mulder did not go wasted and her mind considered the possibility that this was a grand scheme of manipulation. Cancer Man got what he wanted. Mulder defeated and off the X-files. Her face shown with anger. She would be damned, if he was going to get away with it. She had lost too much to this *conspiracy*. She lost her faith, she lost her only sister, she lost 3 months of her life and she was NOT going to lose Mulder. She was NOT. The clarity of thought overwhelmed her. She did not know where it came from and why it was suddenly clear. The thought pounded in her head as loud and as clear as a beating drum, she was not going to lose this man. She alone had the power to save him. She was needed to fill that space. She was needed. She would save him. She walked into to her bedroom, past Richard, and found her suitcase. She focused on packing only a few things. After a moment to recover himself, Richard walked past her. "Dana, what are you doing?" "I am going to him." She said without breaking stride. She found her warm jacket and folded it into the suitcase. Shoes, she thought, I need to find my comfortable shoes. "Dana. Are you crazy? What's wrong? What was that phone call about?" She looked past him to her brush and comb that sat behind him on the dresser. She moved past him and grabbed both of them and placed then in a small bag. "He resigned from the FBI. I have to go to him." She repeated and went into her bathroom for toothpaste and her toothbrush. "Dana" He blocked her path back into the bedroom. She was forced to look up at him. "Dana, don't go. He doesn't need you going after him. You are not responsible for him." Dana didn't consider that possibility. It was all clear to her. "No, he needs me. I am going to him." "I am not stupid Dana. This is beyond friendship. This is beyond the line." He took a breath in and hoped that she would hear this. Dana still looked blankly at him. And again the clarity of thought amazed Dana, of course this was beyond friendship, she thought, this is Mulder. When Richard did not receive a response from Dana, he knew that he had force a choose. It was something he was avoiding ever since he knew her. He suspected that a place of her heart was saved for him. But he believed that she would bury that space and learn to live without it. Was that space inside her an essential part of her being? He had to know. She had to choose. "Dana, I am asking you not go. I am asking you to stay here with me and have him choose his own road. I should have done this a long time ago, when I suspected that you weren't being completely honest with me or with yourself, but I waited." He stopped and forced her eyes to look intently in hers. "I am asking you to make a choice." To Dana, it was not a choice. It was simply Mulder. I didn't know it was going to be this easy, she thought with a strange sense of marvel. The intense decision was so palpable, she could almost reach out and touch it. As if the thought had its own entity and it filled all the space inside of her. She had the same intense feeling when she walked away from Boggs' promise to share her dead father last word. She did not need words. It was beyond words, it was a truth that was as simple as her existence. And she was surprised that she didn't feel this unequivocalness before. Where was it hidden? She stopped her packing and looked up at Richard. Without concern to his feelings, she said with a voice possessed with only strength. "I am going to him." Richard did not recognize the passionate woman he was standing in front of. "How can you be so sure, Dana. How do you know?" "Because he's Mulder." It was the fierce affirmation that made Richard turn and walk out of her apartment and Dana didn't even hear the door close behind him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Part #5 From greekgypsy@aol.com Mon Jan 06 09:09:28 1997 The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts By: Freida Soulis Part: 6/7 Email: fsoulis@aol.com See Part One for Disclaimers and such.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ It wasn't until Dana checked her ticket at the gate, she had thought about what she had just done. She didn't regret the outcome between herself and Richard, but she did regret her methods. Jesus, she thought, I could have been a little more conscious of his feelings. I was engaged to the man. She found a seat next to the airport window and consciously isolated herself from other passengers. It turned out to be a clear day for take off. And she allowed herself a rare retreat. To do nothing, but sit back and watch the maintenance crew work outside. There was no work she pulled from her briefcase, no phone calls to make. She ridiculously felt like this was her first plane ride, watching the crew check and recheck the airplane. She got lost in the their actions and signals. When the stewardess finally announced boarding rows, she regained her focus. There was something missing. She exhaled and watched the stewardess call for small children and people needing assistance to board the plane. The perfectly rehearsed stewardess was suddenly disrupted by a mother's voice. Her little girl had left the line and decided that she needed to explore the airport. "Melissa, Melissa, you get back here." Came the authoritative voice of a mother. Melissa obviously did not want to hear her mother. The little girl saw the stewardess coming at her and she heard her mother's voice behind her, so she took her only escape. Melissa decided to go under the seats. People were shuffling around and moving their feet and this little girl was on the move. Dana couldn't stop herself, she laughed out loud. And Scully surprised herself with the freedom and the ease the laughter came. People turned to look at Dana and then at this little girl. Some joined in and laughed with Scully and some scoffed at the lack of discipline children. Melissa wanted to explore and she wasn't afraid. Dana felt the lightness inside of her and she marveled at this child's lack of fear. Finally, her mom caught her. She saw her mother's pointing finger and lip read her harsh words. Just as Dana turned her attention back to the stewardess, she caught a large grin that spread across the girl's face. It was fear. She smiled, it was fear. That what was missing. She was not afraid. She just knew she was ready. She found what she thought she lacked; a voice that told her the truth. A truth that she had not experienced before. It was not convoluted with time, circumstances or even her own self. She whispered the words inside her soul and closed her eyes. She remembered his soft touch, his warm embrace and she knew. A confession of her heart crossed freely into her mind. She whispered the three words over and over again in her soul. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder was thankful his mother decided to leave him alone. She went back to her home in Connecticut. Just before she left, she told Fox, "I think it is about time we sell this place." Mulder nodded. He knew that somewhere his mother was trying to reach out to him, but it was simpler to nod and agree. It seemed that every thing was simple for Mulder. He marveled at the easiness of just breathing. The intense focus, or as some claimed, the intense paranoia that he woke up with every morning was gone and replaced by empty space. Some days, he didn't want to get out of bed. He loved the notion of time being suspended by sleep. He was in between two worlds and he longed to go back to his dreamless world. He was surprised his nightmares did not continue when he found out about Samantha. In a way, it felt as if a piece of him was eradicated from his consciousness. His dreams about Samantha was second nature to him, a part of him. And now they were gone. During his waking hours, Mulder did not have a hard time occupying his time. He would hook up his laptop and run across case current FBI cases. It began with a simple E-mail request from a colleague to look at a certain case and advise him on it. As Mulder began reading the file, he waited for his instincts to kick in and produce several theories. But none came. Instead, he found himself occupied with the simple facts on the case. He neglected to E-mail a response to the agent, but rather, he accessed other cases. And began reading them, status report to status report. It became an asylum to everyday living to Mulder. Pretty soon, he was beginning to follow the cases with the intensity of the actual field agents. And with each new case, he was careful to not draw any conclusions. At times, he would look forward to the next move or scenario. He found an extraordinary freedom in refusing to guess the suspects next move. It was as if, everything in front of him was a movie or a book. He would just simply let things happen. He no longer had to outguess the suspect, he would just turn on the computer and see what happened next. The silence continued. He had long since unplugged the phone. Television and radios were unused. The only connection he had to the world was his computer. And he had long since stopped reading his E-Mail. He left it all unread in his laptop's mailbox. As he was reading a field report form Boston, Mulder noticed the date. He made the connection that his vacation time was up. He opened his mailbox and wrote a brief note to his ADA resigning his post. He knew a hard copy should follow. So he printed on and found stamps in his fathers desk to mail it. He briefly considered how he was going to access to all the cases he was following without his FBI number. The solution was easy; he would use Dana's. Long ago, they both had each other passwords and access numbers, he doubted she would have changed it. During his whole stay at the Vineyard that was the only time he thought of Dana. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dana drove up to the small house in her rented car. She didn't think about what and how she was going to talk to him. She didn't need to. She just wanted to see him and everything else would come. She sat in her car for a minute as she turned off the engine. She glanced up and caught her reflection on the review mirror. Her eyes looked bright and lucid. she thought. She grabbed her car keys, placed them in her pocket and opened the car door. As she walked up the steps, she paused a minute. She could imagine a ten year old Fox Mulder run up these steps as a child, when his mother called for dinner. She opened the door. It didn't creek. Strange, she always, imagined a door in a town like this would creek. The door bell was not working, so she softly rattled the door. Dana waited for an answer. When a few minutes passed, she walked out back. There wasn't a car in the garage, but the back door was left open. Dana walked in. "Hello." She yelled, announcing her presence. She was ready to shout another hello, but then she stepped into the living room. She stopped dead cold. On the desk, she saw Mulder's laptop. It was off, but plugged in and hooked up to the printer. On the floor there were at least 30 stacks of papers. Each stack had to be at least 2 feet high. Dana pulled off the front sheet of the stack closest to her. The top file turned out to be a profile of a executive in Parma, Ohio who master minded an insurance scam. The organized filing system was impressive. For a moment, Scully considered the possibility that Mulder wasn't behind this. The meticulous detail spent on filing each date, agent, suspect, victim and theme was not his style. It took her at least a year to get used to his filing system when she was first assigned to the X-files. This simply wasn't Mulder. But she quickly realized there could be no one else. There were cases that Mulder and her would never touch on the X-files; Serial rapists, sexual harassment, kidnaping by family members, bank fraud, insurance fraud. The range was so expansive that Dana could not find any connections between the cases. And certainly nothing that connected them to an X-file. What's going on here, she thought. Why would Mulder be interested in these cases? She tore herself away from the living room and walked up the stairs hardly ever taking her eyes off the stack of papers. It just amazed her. She reached the top and peered inside the first room. As she left the first room, she caught sight of Mulder thru a half opened door. He was sleeping. She silently pushed the door ajar and stared at him. She should have been glad that Mulder was there, alive and well, but she wasn't. There was something wrong and his sleeping form did not bring her any reassurance. She reached out and slowly touched his hair. She didn't want to wake him, but she wanted to touch him, to make him real. She stroked his hair and listened to his soft steady breathing. He didn't move. She turned away and walked downstairs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Mulder woke up it was nearly 7:00pm. He had long since lost track of time and he found it useful to sleep during the day, seeing that most reports went into the Bureau by 5:00pm. He sat upright on the bed and moved toward the bathroom. His moves were mechanically and most of the time, Mulder felt as if he was watching this body slept, eat and move. The world was slowed and he was hovering above it. Not real, but not an illusion. He walked down the stairs. Each step quieter than the first. As he stepped into the living room, he knew someone was in the house. The kitchen door half way open and he was sure he had it closed when he feel asleep early this morning. It was a habit his mother had drone in him as a child. He cautiously walked toward the kitchen. His mind focused on recalling where he had last placed his gun. And then, he caught a sight of her. She was sitting at his mother's kitchen table. Her glasses on and a bunch of paper spewed all over the table covering it to a point where he couldn't recognize the wood unless he saw the legs. A briefcase was sitting on the chair next to her with stacks of the files on the floor near her feet. Her face down, intently reading. Her work hid her expression, but Mulder recognized that singular concentration.. A pen was suspended in midair by her two fingers waiting for her command. And then he noticed her shoes. There were innocently placed next to the kitchen door. Scully was barefoot. She looked at home. And for a full minute, Mulder stood there and her presence, her stuff filled the emptiness of the house. A thought escaped Mulder's protective walls. She belongs here, not this house, not this place. But here with me. She should have always been here. As quickly as that dangerous idea came, Mulder pushed it aside. He walked closer to the door and his soft footsteps called her full attention. She looked up and for a brief instant he wished she wasn't wearing her glasses, because they hid the impact of surprised eyes. She almost didn't recognize him. End of Part 6 From greekgypsy@aol.com Mon Jan 06 09:09:35 1997 The Deep Core of Two Silent Hearts By: F. Soulis Part: 7/7 Email: fsoulis@aol.com See Part One for Disclaimers and such.... She had seen Mulder at his worst when the darkness was stronger than his true self. When the destructive nature determined his dress, his facial expressions and his movements, but this was different. She took off her glasses. He looked fine. Everything was intact.His hair even looked perfect. "Why are you surprised Scully, I am suppose to be here, remember?" "Mulder" she ignored his sarcasm, "How are you?" She wanted to give him a hug, but was held back by the distance he obviously wanted as he walked to the farthest cabinet and pulled out a coffee mug. His eyes finding the full pot of coffee she had on and he poured himself a cup. "I needed to know you're okay. I needed to see it for myself." She began explaining. "Scully, you didn't have to come. I'm fine." "I heard about your resignation." He forgot to E-mail Scully about it or maybe he didn't forget...... "My vacation was coming to an end and I really didn't feel the need to go back to work." That brief explanation terrified Scully. "Mulder," she began and then quite suddenly didn't know where to reach him, she decided not to spare anything. "Mulder, you made that decision in a state of grief. Why not ask for a leave of absence instead of an resignation?" "Because I don't see myself ever going back." Each word was sane and didn't leave room for question. "And you don't think time would have an impact in your decision?" "No, I don't." She inhaled slightly, hoping for a word, a thought, that would make the emptiness in his eyes go away. "Mulder, what are you doing here? You have yourself locked in this house and reading FBI cases. Tons of them. Everything from bank fraud to serial killers. You are losing yourself, if you are not already gone." He couldn't lose himself, he thought. There is nothing but empty space, nowhere to hide. "Scully, you don't have to be concerned. The files just keep my day occupied. There's not much to do up here and the cable man still hasn't come to fix the TV." "I don't believe you." "About the cable man?" She smiled and was thankful for at least his attempt at humor. Some small glimmer she though. "No, I don't believe you're fine." "There's nothing I can do to convince you." "Yes, there is. You can come back to D.C. with me." There it was, an invitation. It wouldn't make the earth move, but with Mulder, Scully always walked slowly. Laying down the foundation, slowly creating small bridges to walk over. She just hoped he would follow. He felt as if he was floating under water; half his body above the surface, watching her clearly. He saw the way her hands were laying on the table, the way her head was leaning forward and towards him. And he recognized the desperation behind her eyes. But his other half was under the water's surface and her voice had the muffled, inaudible quality. Every pitch and tone change was slowed and distant. "I don't know, Scully. I am comfortable here. It doesn't have to be about going on. It doesn't have to be about waking up everyday, going to work and finding a fraction of truth. And then realizing that the truth is greater than I can ever know. I don't think I need that anymore." "Then it's about finding out what you need. It's about the journey and not always the destination." He was listening to her, but he barely moved. She reached out and put her hand in his. "It's about me." Scully said those three words with a passion she never realized she had in her. She stood in the unsheltered plane hoping that her small movements would guide him there. The bell jar shook and the noise tried to find him. Tried to move the protection he had so careful built around the silence. He recognized the rarity in the invitation. She would not use words lightly. But once again, he felt the distance. He was watching her lips move as she formed the sentence. He didn't pay attention to the words as much as the form her mouth took with each word. The way her lips slightly came together and allowed a breath in before she verbalized her thoughts. He watched with the detachment of a scientist and the bell jar remained in place. "I can't do that, Scully." "Why?" came the plea. "Mulder you can't feel that what happened to Samantha was your fault. If anyone knows that you did everything you could it's me. I saw the hardships and the sacrifices you made. You did it all for Sam." His eyes flickered and the spark made Dana hold her breath. What did I say? She silently questioned. What did I say to give him some life? "Do you understand Scully?. She was alive. Breathing, living, less than a month ago. A month." he voiced quickened, "Scully a month. What a joke. What a joke." His words were becoming clearer and they had a twinge of absurdity laced within each syllable. She tried to follow where he was leading, "Mulder, I don't think you had a choice. I don't think they ever got her that close to you." "I know. I know and then I think about the time, the years she spent alive." he stopped because he wanted to go on. He hoped that Scully would say something, would stop the thoughts tumbling, falling, breaking. She didn't. She waited. "She was alive. While I was watching a Knicks game or laughing over a stupid Frohicke joke. She was in pain. She was tortured. And I was watching a goddamn basketball game. Or running to catch little green men." She was beginning to understand. She had mistaken his loss of Samantha for his desire to stop living, but it was much greater than that. And again, she didn't say a word. Trusting that he would reach a place where she could see him. "The truth is Scully, I loved the X-files. I loved discovering about new life forms or a new way human can use their powers. I even loved the motel rooms, the all night stake outs. The coffee, everything." A small smile came and left as quickly as it appeared. "I even loved your determination to disprove everyone of my theories." She hadn't take her eyes from his face since the moment he began talking."I was enraptured by pure discovery. Just plain discovery." He sighed and knew that this was the plane that he needed to reach. His eyes were still averted. "While I was doing all this. While I was following each whim, living out every moment. She could have been in constant pain. She probably never had a moment of peace." He had to communicate the last part. The part that made his guilt rise up and meet him with his every breath. "I did, Scully." "Did what?" "I had my moments of peace." He didn't finish by saying that she brought him some of his greatest moments of peace. She was the only one that he trusted and that trust lead to moments of serenity. And for an instant her image appeared before him.... Scully holding him when he was certain his mother would die Scully taking care of him after his father's death Her hand placed in his over Modell's comatose body granting Mulder forgiveness. Scully digging next to him with her bare hands...... "I had my moments." "Mulder, they put you in an impossible situation." Did he feel guilty because he didn't suffer enough? If anyone carried the burden it was Mulder. He suffered more than any other person, she knew. And she felt the anger well at the bottom of her heart, Damn them for forcing him to think he was not worthy of happiness. He was not worthy of peace. "Mulder, it's not your fault. You experienced joy, happiness, peace, because you're alive. You're human. You can't blame yourself for Sam's pain. You had no control over that." "Scully, I know that. Intellectually, I know that. I just can't feel that." "The answer isn't to stop feeling everything." The smallest statement fit perfectly into a place that was empty. "It's so much easier, Scully." She looked at him and smiled. "Since when was anything about you easy, Mulder? If anything you are the definition of taking the hard route. If there is an easy road and a hard road, you'll skip both and find the impossible road." He sat at the table very stiffly. His arms resting on some of her case files and his legs squarely set on the floor. She wanted to move closer to him and maybe connect with him in some way, but the mechanics of the kitchen table separating them did not allow her to do so. A sea of papers separated them. He looked up at her and silently questioned why he needed his Scully to always rescue him. He cursed himself for dragging her into his fight once again. Was it worth it? She swore she wouldn't change a day, but Mulder wondered if he would. Would he change that day just to keep her safe and whole? He only knew one thing that without her he wouldn't be alive today. "Scully, I don't think this a road that you should be on too." He needed to let her go and be free to find Robert, Ray or yes, that's what it was, Richard and go to him. Sane, safe Richard. "Go to Richard, Scully. I will be fine." She was taken aback by Mulder remembering his name. He must be serious, she thought. The statement felt like a dagger. He will not choose this road for me, she thought stubbornly. "Richard and I broke up Mulder. So you can't send me back that easily." She watched him carefully for a reaction and she wasn't disappointed. Mulder showed some sign of life with a raised eyes of curiosity. And then the emptiness crept back in. "It doesn't matter, Scully. Do we have to do this again? This isn't your fight. This isn't your battle." "You're wrong, Mulder. It is. Not only because of my sister and not only because of my abduction......" She suddenly hated the physical distance between them, the chair, the papers, the table. So, she stood up and positioned herself squarely in front of Mulder. She fell to her knees as he had done so many years ago in that awful hospital room and looked up into his eyes, "It is because you are worth it, Mulder." She had said it. A silent prayer was released from her thoughts, she wanted him to believe that. If the pure force that Dana had felt that moment transcended time and space to him, he would have no doubt of the veracity. "You are worth it." she repeated when his silence was suspended in the air. He did not look at her, but her words were suddenly clear. Lucid. Forceful. Where was the murkiness that protected him for so long? He stood to distance himself from the sound of her voice. He walked away from the kitchen into the living room and hoped that Dana wouldn't follow him. He stopped when he realized the words still echoed in his head, loud. Loud. And then, he felt it physically. It came from deep below and started small. And grew... It became so engulfing that it physically drew the power for him to stand. He grabbed the end of the couch and hated the sight of himself needing to sit down. He wanted to bury his head in his hands, but he couldn't hide behind anything. It was too large and controlled his movements, his thoughts, his soul. As he sat down, he could see her standing near It all came back to him in one movement of images, words, feelings. His sister's abduction, his father's blame, his mother's eyes. Nothing was spared and it engulfed his mind. Every little piece of solitude and emptiness was filled with thoughts of Samantha. And the guilt was larger than he had every experienced. He felt like he was the one driving the car that killed her. He was the one that walked out of the car unscratched and he turned to saw her dead body. And then Scully's arms went around his shoulders and he fell into them. As she held this man, she silently wished that she was not so petite. She wanted to engulf his space, with her calmness and strength. Because now she didn't feel like it was enough. She wanted to give him so much more. "It's okay, Mulder." came the calming voice. "It's okay." He had broken down in her arms before. She had held him before, but this was different. He had walked a path and found where he belonged. There weren't tears and it didn't surprise him. It was easy to hear the calmness of her voice. He moved back from her embrace, but allowed only inches of space between them. He wanted to see her face. He caught the strand of her hair and pushed it behind her ear as he had seen her do so many times. When her hair was in place, Mulder didn't remove his hand. Instead, his fingertips traced her jawline. His eyes focused on his fingers touching her skin. And there was a oneness in the touch, all senses were aware to the feel of her skin. His fingers rested at the bottom of her lip right above her chin. Dana eyes never left his and when Mulder's eyes finally met hers, the empty space inside of him was filled by the deep core of her heart. The silence was gone, leaving in its absence a stream of fluid thoughts, sounds, images. All about her. He stood in this unsheltered place exposing all; mind, body and soul. And he found he needed more. And he found the doorway to so much more. It was the most natural of movements to move in closer, a whisper away. And every so slowly, gently, deliberately, he touched his lips with hers. Dana didn't close her eyes. She didn't back away. She savored the feather touch of his lips. It was impossible to feel this intensity, atom by atom. But it would be the only way Dana could explain it. A kiss that shot directly to the core of what Dana knew. The same three words that she had whispered to herself at the airport, Dana repeated to herself again. I love him. The kiss was not about comfort. It was a promise. They would travel far, but all her journeys would end here in his warm embrace to seek the core of his heart. He would hold a place for her and she vowed to always come to him... She vowed to love him. At that exact moment, in the unsheltered plane where they stood face to face, Mulder made the same promise to her. The promise was made and neither spoke a word, they just knew. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The End Author's Note: There are two references here, one from Yeats' line of poetry "deep hearts core" and another from Peter Gabriel, I'll let you see if you can find that one. :) A lot of the sketchy facts about Sam's death are from an documentary I was watching on a real case. So don't blame me if they sound implausible. Blame reality :) Oh, and I was a little iffy about Mulder's reaction to Sam's *apparent* death. I wasn't sure how he would react, but I finally decided on this route. So forgive me, if you don't agree. I am thinking of a sequel. To see if Sam's alive and what M&S should do now. But I haven't actually put pen to paper or in this case fingers to keyboard.