From: roxanne gabutina Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 03:11:21 -0700 (PDT) Subject: 3 nu fics Source: direct Deep Inside By ScamBeliever Spoiler: Biogenesis Summary: Mulder's and Scully's feelings while he's in the hospital. ------ Scully ------ I have to see him. Now. What has become of him? Skinner's reluctance to tell me his condition seemed to slow my watch's hands changing my initial haste to abrupt stillness. For a millisecond, a chill ran up my spine which worked its way to my chest, filling it with utmost dread. But my purpose fought its way, pulling me back to rational thinking and back to the man who is at present, my hindrance. I will not be kept from the dark. I have come a long way, too long in fact, and no one can stop me from seeing him. Not Kersh. Not even Skinner. Especially not Diana. Now my anger is closing on full rage. How many days have I left him vulnerable to Diana's lies? How many days have I left him unprotected from the deceit hidden by that masked face. She has somehow wrapped him around her poisonous finger, has captured fully and effortlessly the trust I had to earn bit by damned bit through the years and with which I have to handle with great care because of the constant fear of losing it. She shows off her edge, her aces, through a glare, a gesture, but most of all (and admittedly most hurtful of all) through Mulder. They shared a past, a bond, an intimacy I could never equal. I don't intend to try. In this crucial time, pondering on unnecessary 'what ifs' is the last thing on my mind. I don't have Diana's aces. No, maybe one. Maybe me. *********** The way to the hospital was a series of blurred slow motion images of grainy black, white and confusing grays. Time, things, people inched on while I was impatiently flying through doors, elevators and corridors. Some dared to stop me and I immediately put them to their place with a barely controlled voice dripping with uncalled for venom. But it worked and what only separates me from him is this cold, white, frightening hospital door. I open it, simultaneously taking a deep breath and bracing myself for what I'm about to see. Now I know the reason behind Skinner's reluctance. I almost wish I hadn't wanted to come so soon. How can a man so impassioned, so driven end up in a cramped hospital room so limp and lifeless? End up? This is not how it ends Dana. Get a grip on yourself. I reel back to the very purpose of my visit trying to clamp down the emotions evoked by the sight of him. But my voice betrays me. I try to speak with assurance and confidence but the words barely leave my lips and they come out as whispered concerns and hushed pleadings. I tell him to hold on. I beg him to. I desperately need him to. I don't have Diana's aces so I grab on to what I can only offer to make him believe in me. All I have is my knowledge, my hope, my trust. All I can offer is myself. Finally, I gather all my strength and comfort delivering it to him with a gentle kiss on his forehead. I hope, I pray that it is well received. ------ Mulder ------ She's here. Her form emerges from the darkened room drowning out the busy humming of strangers in my head. She bestows upon me the same fondness I usually give her, and I am awash with waves of compassion, of love I couldn't possibly match. She is different now. Harder. Stronger. And most intriguing of all yet quite expectedly, she cares for me more now than she ever did. I want to say something to her. But she beats me to it and speaks to me with sincere tenderness. Somehow she knows exactly how I feel, and my needs. I feel her ache as she hopes for the best and assures me of her good intentions. I feel she says it more so to assure herself. She is as scared as I am but she repeats her promises of my future and hints of *ours*. My thoughts drift on that but I am distracted when she says three bold words. I feel her love as she bends down to kiss me. I wish I could reciprocate that professed love, but I can't. I wish... She's gone. As the memory of her retreating raven hair lingers in my mind, I realize that she never moved her lips when she spoke to me. ********* I feel her presence. She is coming. I strain to single her out from the thousand voices buzzing in my head. Was it my imagination? No. It couldn't be. It's unmistakable. It is faint, but it is undeniably her. Even before this newly acquired heightened sensitivity, I've always been able to feel her presence before I see her. Before she reaches my car, before she enters the room of a crime scene, before she reaches my side, before she reaches for my hand. I've acknowledged her presence before the day begins and the last thought I let go before I surrender myself to the comfort of my worn couch. Sometimes I don't let go. I have almost felt the same way with a couple of people in my past. But they were different. They were relationships of unabashed mutual emotions. Both were a jumble of reckless passion, freely shared pain, and carefree romance that I don't regret having experienced yet am glad have ended. She is different. There is nothing unabashed between us. Somehow she has become deeply ingrained in me without difficulty and almost unknowingly. And I've tried to keep her in a safe distance, making sure that she stays at arm's length. I've challenged her, shocked her, and sometimes even mocked her scientific mind. But she answered me with her own challenges and shocked me as well as she puts her full trust in me. I am left with nothing else to do but give her the same courtesy. Grudgingly at first. Now, it is my choice. I vow to give even more. She is near. My body is heavy and uncooperative but my mind begis to agitate. I am restless and flinch inwardly expecting she would burst through the door. I feel a hint of anger, I'm not quite sure. I feel her worry, her dread, and I feel her need to see me. That, I am sure. As she opens the door, I immediately feel her instant reaction to the sight of me. Her fear rushes towards me almost knocking my whole world over. I almost feel physical pain. It abates as worry and sympathy takes over but not quite completely. Fear will not leave. What else will fuel the emotions succeeding it? She is at my side. I succumb to her familiar smell, wlcoming her scent, relishing the use of one NORMAL sensory organ. But it is shortlived as I get distracted with her building resolve. She is trying to be strong. For me. For her. For us. She tries to keep her emotions from surfacing but I catch the slight tremble in her voice. I am torn between telling her that it's okay to let go of that one tear that's threatening to fall on her porcelain face, and telling her the effort is useless because I can see, *feel*, well right through her. She gently caresses my head and my hair. So gentle in fact that if I were functioning normally (rather, as normal as any sick person can be), I would barely feel the light contact on skin. But now, with what I've become, her slight touch caress every nerve and I my mind cries out as I am sucked into increasing emotional turmoil. Gutwrenching pain, aching loss, boiling rage, frustration, helpless confusion, longing, intense passion. And then I'm suddenly euphoric as I am cradled in swadling compassion and tenderness. I wish I could stay there for the rest of my life. But I was jolted from my reverie when I feel her lips touch my forehead. I lived and died at the same time. She is oblivious to all these. All she sees is a pathetic vegetable, a pale body one breath short of a corpse. I feel her hesitate as she prepares to leave. I panic. Her eyes linger at my blank face which is shimmering with cold sweat. But she does and for a moment I am numb with her physical absence. Slowly, I feel her presence fade. I am yet again left with just the last lingering image of her holding on to it through the rushing voices that has once again taken over my mind. She has asked me to hold on. Can I? Will I? Of course. I have to. I want to. Why? Because she is a part of me, if not a big part. And if that part of me wants to believe, to have the highest hopes, then so be it. END. -'When we met light was shed thoughts free flow you've got something deep inside of you... ...I never felt alone 'til I met you I'm alright on my own 'til I met you...' -Deep Inside of You, Third Eye Blind- ********** What do you think? tell me at scambeliever@yahoo.com