From: "Vicki Karigiannis" Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2000 16:58:42 -0400 Subject: "Deep Inside of You" by Vicki K. Source: direct Title: Deep Inside of You Author: Vicki K. E-mail: i_am_of_the_sky@dirtylittleperverts.zzn.com Rating: PG Category: Mulder/Scully romance Spoilers: None Archives: Anywhere. Just let me know, 'kay? Summary: Scully's gone (don't fret: she's not dead or anything) and Mulder doesn't know who he is without her Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They belong to 1013 and Chris Carter, yada, yada, yada. The lyrics to "Deep Inside of You" are not mine (although I make every Third Eye Blind song my own), but are property of Stephan Jenkins; 3EB Publishing/EMI Blackwood Music (BMI) ("Deep Inside of You" can be found on Third Eye Blind's second album entitled BLUE, on the Elektra label. Buy it! It kicks ass!) ***************************************************************** DEEP INSIDE OF YOU Lyrics by Stephan Jenkins Performed by Third Eye Blind "When we met light was shed Thoughts free flow you said you've got something Deep inside of you A wind chime voice sound, sway your hips round rings true Deep inside of you These secret garden beams changed my life so it seems A fall breeze blows outside I don't break stride My thoughts are warm, they go Deep inside of you And I never felt alone, till I met you Friends say I've changed I don't listen, 'cause I live to be Deep inside of you Slide of her dress, shouts in darkness I'm so alive, I'm Deep inside of you You said boy make girl feel good But still I've never felt alone Till I met you I'm alright on my own And then I met you And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming I would change myself if I could I'd walk with my people if I could find them And I would say that I'm sorry to you I'm sorry to you But I don't want to call you, but then I want to call you 'Cause I don't want to crush you, but I feel like crushing you And it's true I took for granted, you were with me I breathe by your looks, and you look right through me But we were broke and didn't know Something's gone You withdraw and I'm not strong like before, I was Deep inside of you I can go nowhere I burn candles and stare at a ghost Deep inside of you And some great need in me starts to bleed I've lost myself, there's nothing left, it's all gone Deep inside of you Deep inside of you" ***************************************************************** Mulder sat on his sofa, his feet propped up on the coffee table. It was dark in the living area of his apartment, the only light coming from a nearby candle, its flame dancing in the darkness. And Mulder had no intention of turning on a light. There wasn't much light in his life at the moment, anyway. It was a Friday night. A lonely Friday night. These past six months, his Friday nights were usually spent with Scully. He and Scully at the movies. He and Scully at the bowling alley. He and Scully at McDonald's for a bite to eat. He and Scully snuggled together on his sofa, watching an old movie. (Sometimes not even watching the movie...) Hell, even he and Scully stuck in their basement office on a Friday night, working on a case. They were together. And that's all that mattered. But something happened recently. After six months of being together, something happened. Nothing was bad with their newfound romantic relationship. It was actually the greatest six months of both their lives. But Scully snapped. And she broke it off. Mulder was having a lot of trouble comprehending why Scully wanted out. She seemed happy with him. He thought he made her happy. Obviously, he was wrong, because here he was, his second Friday night alone in his apartment. Another darkened night, another burning candle. It started to become routine, actually. They saw each other every day at work, acting all professional, the way it's supposed to be. But there was an awkwardness. A sadness. Mulder wasn't too happy. And, being able to read Scully like a book, he saw that she wasn't too happy, either. At least, he was hoping she wasn't happy. Not to be mean or anything, but he thought that if he was miserable, she'd damned well better be miserable, too. But she was indeed unhappy. He saw it. Bags under her eyes from those sleepless nights. Sleepless nights that both he and she endured. Red eyes from all those tears. Tears both he and she shed. She tried her best to hide it, with her infamous "I'm fine." But she wasn't fine. And neither was he. As he sat in his unlit apartment, a breeze blew outside, making noises that sent shivers all over. He could picture the yellow, red, orange and gold October leaves, dancing in the wind. How many times has Scully held him on nights like these, protecting him from the darkness and the cold? More times than he could count. The loneliness was starting to kick in. Mulder thought back to a time. A time long ago, when the loneliness wasn't a problem. He had grown accustomed to it, become used to the stares and the nicknames, "Spooky", among others. The loneliness wasn't a bother. The loneliness and the X-files, that's all he had in his life, and he liked it that way. Until she came into his life. All those years ago, walking into his office, ready to do the job she was told to do: shut down the X-files. But she didn't. Following him around, getting to know him, understanding his life's work... She was supposed to be his enemy, but turned out to be his best friend. The only person he believed in. The only person he could trust. She was the only person who didn't look at him as if he were a freak. She didn't see him as "Spooky", but got to know Fox Mulder: determined, sweet, honest, mischievous, vulnerable, misunderstood... Mulder had fallen in love with her for accepting him. He loved having her around and being with her. With her around, he never wanted to be alone again. Never again. Their partnership and friendship eventually turned into a romantic relationship. After all those years of wanting each other, they finally did something about it. Mulder basically snapped that Tuesday night six months ago in their office, staring at Scully and not being able to touch her. "That's it!" he had said, getting up off his chair and walking towards Scully. "I love you, okay?" Scully was shocked at his outburst. At first, Mulder was afraid she'd say "Oh, brother" like she did the first time he told her how he felt. But after a few seconds of silence, a smile crept on her face. "I love you, too," she had said. He then kissed her. Needless to say, they didn't finish working on their case. They dumped their files as they were, and walked out of their office, heading for Scully's apartment. They were pretty much inseparable after that night. Spending their days together working on cases, and their nights spent at either one or the other's apartment. And that was the way it should be. It was magical. It was perfect. Perfect, that is, up until about two weeks ago. When she said she wanted a break, wanted to slow down. Mulder was stunned at what she had told him. "What the fuck?!" was basically all that came out of his mouth. Scully kissed him on final time on his lips, and walked out of his apartment, shutting the door behind her. Since that night, that awful night, he'd rack his brains, trying to figure out why she had left him. He'd called her many times in the middle of the night, begging for an explanation, a reason. She didn't say a word. Maybe she didn't have a reason for breaking up with him. Or maybe she did. There could have been many reasons. Maybe a partnership and friendship with him was tolerable, but being lovers was more than she could handle. Or maybe she didn't love him. Lord, he hoped that wasn't it. Or maybe he wasn't all that she had expected. Mulder thought that maybe he was bad in bed, but he knew that wasn't it. He smiled as he remembered the times they had made love, in the darkness of her bedroom, shouts of love and happiness echoing from the room, feeling so alive. Maybe she regretted ever getting romantically involved with him. She probably saw through him, saw the real him, all of him, and didn't like what she saw. That could be it. Mulder didn't like not knowing. He lived for the truth, and he desperately wanted to know the truth behind this. Why did she leave him? Why did she walk away from the one thing that made the both of them extremely happy? One other thing that Mulder didn't like was the loneliness. He thought he'd never be lonely again. He was sure of it. But now the loneliness came back again, and Mulder has no idea what to do. How did he do it before? The loneliness never bothered him seven years ago, why should it bother him now? He was sure he'd get used to it again. Actually, he was pretty sure he wouldn't get used to the loneliness again. He was a different man seven years ago. He liked being alone back then, isolated from the rest of the world. But now, being alone scared the hell out of him. He couldn't understand how he ever enjoyed it. He couldn't remember a time when he did. And he couldn't remember a time before he met Scully. Who was he before her? He couldn't remember. He didn't think he was anyone before her. The moment he met her, she made him a whole person, she made him the man he is and always wanted to be. He was nothing without her. Whenever he pictures himself, he always sees Scully right there beside him. Never apart. She's the only one in the world who can reach deep inside his soul. And he's the only one who can reach deep inside of Scully. He needed to see her, to talk to her. The need was bleeding. He honestly couldn't take it anymore. He picked up his phone off the coffee table and looked at it. He put it back down. He couldn't do it. "Let her call me," he said bitterly. "I'm not the one who's going to go crawling back." But he couldn't take it. He didn't want to be mad and bitter towards her. He hated himself when he was. And he didn't care if he crawled back. He didn't care that he'd seem weak in front of her. He needed her and wasn't ashamed to admit it. He picked up the phone again and dialed her number. His heart skipped a beat when she answered. "Hello?" she said, her voice hoarse. He knew she'd been crying. "Hey, Scully," he said softly. "It's me." "Mulder," she whispered, clearing her throat. "Um, how are you?" she said a bit louder, trying to act nonchalant. Mulder smiled at how she was trying to sound all right. It also made him cry. "Scully," he said, his voice cracking, tears streaming down his face. "I need to talk to you..." THE END ***************************************************************** Yup, I'm ending it that way. Y'all know how it ends: they talk it over, and live happily ever after. I'm not the greatest writer in the world. I hope you guys liked it. This is my first TXF fan fic, so please, all comments have to be gentle. *lol* Kidding... All comments, good and bad, are appreciated. Rock on!