From AbreeBB@aol.com Sun Mar 02 03:40:49 1997 Subject: [XFF] Deeper Into Darkness (1/1) From: AbreeBB@aol.com Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 04:40:49 -0500 (EST) -------- Deeper Into Darkness - Abree Brand - PG Classified SRA Summary: Trapped in the darkness of her mind, Scully has to decide whether to go deeper or leave altogether. Takes place after "One Breath." ***** A DISCLAIMER: Mulder & Scully don't belong to me. They belong to Chris Carter (If Pendrell dies, I WILL be forced to curse you), 10-13, and the I-know-let's-give-Pauley-Shore-his-own-series-FOX Network. No infringement is intended. This is PG for slightly disturbing mental stuff...well, let's just say I wouldn't be comfortable having it on the G archive. There is slight MSR in this one, so non-shippers be warned! Also some veiled references to the Duane Barry arc. Set after Scully returns from her abduction in "One Breath." Please please please (x10,000) comment! My e-mail is: AbreeBB@aol.com ***** Deeper Into Darkness by Abree Brand AbreeBB@aol.com *It's nice here.* I had come here for the first time ever. I had always known this place existed, but never once had I willingly stepped inside. Whenever I wanted to, something pulled me away. Something told me no. Something told me I wasn't supposed to be in here. But now I realized that I had been wrong. I had entered here, at a time which I couldn't remember, from a world I couldn't quite recollect. I didn't remember much in here - I didn't need to. I was calm in here. Safe. Peaceful. It was dark - so wonderfully, utterly dark. Darkness that hid me and wrapped around me. That swallowed me whole. Darkness that ran its fingers through my hair and lulled me into a dreamy doze. Darkness that clutched me in its arms and whispered into my ear. I'll keep you safe. I believed it. It would keep me safe. Forever, as long as I stayed. I saw the darkness without seeing, smiled without moving, was formless in this place where the senses did not apply. I was safe here. I like it here. *I think I'll stay here.* ***** *I reach out and you aren't there.* It's something indescribable - something more mental than physical. A severed string. A thread cut in half. A bond snapped. I knew you were gone. The panic that surged into my soul was a feeling I had felt before. I had never grown used to it. Each time was equally real and equally terrifying. Unable to stop moving, feeling so out of control, my thoughts a jumbled panic - - shesgoneshesgoneyouvelostheragainyoujustlostheralloveragain... And the few stray thoughts that entered my mind clearly. It's all your fault. Your fault. YOUR FAULT. I wanted to protest, to say it wasn't, but I couldn't. I couldn't deny the truth. My fault. I opened my eyes and glanced at the clock. The early hours of morning, almost 3 a.m. The sense of loss was unmistakable. My numb fingers found the telephone on the nearby table and I dialed a number I had dialed so many times before. Nothing. A ring. A pause. A ring. No sleepy voice snapping at me to go back to sleep, no sympathetic ear willing to listen to me complain about the injustices of the world we live in. Not even an answering machine to play back the familiar voice I heard so often. Another ring. I shut off the phone and darted out of bed, getting ready to leave the house. To find you. *I can't find you.* ***** *I feel no more.* I recline without form, lying still and flat. Darkness slithers over me like a cool slime, not unpleasantly so. Caressing my mind, whispering once more. Telling me I am safe. I am at peace. Am I? The unbidden thought dies quickly as the darkness slips its veil over me once more. Reassuring me. Soothing me. Muffling my thoughts. Even as I think the traitorous words, they are swept away. The oddness of the sensation startles me. I am without matter. I am only thought and emotion, sensation without form. I exist. But in a way I don't. Where my eyes might have once been, there is only sensation. Coolness, slick and sleek, a balm that spread over my eyes, face, mind. I am without fear. There is nothing to be scared of. Nothing to be worried about. Nothing to think of but peace. Rest. Sleep. Calm. *Mulder.* ***** *I hear you.* It was a voice from my head. It touched my ears as if it had been spoken aloud, but it had not been. It came from my mind. Her voice, calling for me. Saying my name. A voice quickly muffled. A scream in the dark - - a gasp - - breaking glass - - screaming into an empty phone - - pleading - - youlostheragainhowcouldyouloseheragainyoulosther - My hands on the steering wheel went slick as a shudder rocked through me. Tears rising in my eyes, my throat. Wanting to scream her name out loud. Wanting her to hear me. Wanting her to know I was coming for her. But I couldn't. What if she didn't know? What if she was crying out for me again, not knowing whether I heard or not? Not knowing if I was listening. Not even knowing that I cared enough to try and hear. I pressed my foot against the gas pedal, frustrated, the panic still coursing through me. Not even noticing as tears began to trickle down my face, pain twisting my stomach into a knot and my soul in tatters. *I'm coming.* ***** *I'm not alone.* My thoughts had become chaotic, a confused blend of my own thoughts and those of the darkness that willed me deeper into its soul. The name was all I could cling to. Mulder. It was a name I could remember. A name the darkness couldn't steal from me. A name that had meaning to me - before I had come here. I was lost. Trapped. The darkness that before lulled me to sleep as if I was its child now tried harsher tactics. Spreading itself into my mind, merging my thoughts with its own. Telling me to walk deeper. Walk deeper into my soul and never look back. Follow me down where no one can ever hurt you. And I wanted to. With all my soul. I could see the core of the darkness. Where there was no pain. No thought. Nothing... But my mind had pulled up one reason to stay away. Mulder. I couldn't walk any deeper. I had to leave. I had to find my way back. I had to find my way our of here. I had to resist. *It's too late.* ***** *I'm here.* I saw her sitting on her bed, motionless and pale. Blue eyes staring across the room. Empty. Accusingly empty. Shesgoneyoulosther - I sat down next to her, cautious. Every nerve screamed at me to get up and DO something. But I sat without fidgeting, taking one of her cool, limp hands in my own and wondering what I could do. Sheslostandyoulosther - Wanting nothing more than to take her unconscious form into my arms and not let go until she woke up. Wanting to cry. Wanting to scream. Wanting to yell at her to wake up and shake her and force life and recognition and soul back into those eyes staring blankly at the wall across from me - - youlostheragainyourfaultyoulostheragainanditsyourfault - I took a breath and exhaled slowly. Trying to calm down. I pulled her closer to me, my mouth next to her ear, my arm wrapped around her side. Giving her something to cling to. Something to tell her that she wasn't alone. I began to whisper, softly, the underlying panic still evident in my voice. "Scully, you have to come back. You have to come back. I know where you are is calm and that you feel safe. But you have to come back. You have to come back to me." *Come back to me.* ***** *I feel you.* It was with amazement that I rediscovered physical sensation. The darkness sputtered for a moment, dotted with light, as the terrifyingly real touch of skin against skin shocked my senses. I ignored the tantalizing words of the darkness around me as I waited. Waited for a second delightful shock of myself coming back to me. And soon it came. The barely discernible feel of breath on my ear. An arm around my side. A hand clasping my own. And words. An image. Mulder. The darkness reared up on me with a power I had no way of recognizing. Lured me deeper. Dared me to jump. The voiceless whisper in my ear. Walk into the darkness. Walk into me. Scully, you have to come back. Real words. Words I could hear. Words spoken by the one person who had made me resist the darkness. Mulder. You have to come back. I know where you are is calm and that you feel safe. But you have to come back. You have to come back to me. And words unspoken flashed through my mind. Come back to me. *I love you.* ***** *I heard you.* I nearly collapsed in relief as Scully slowly blinked. Her head tilted towards mine slowly, her expression puzzled and her eyes clouded. Her face creased in a frown as she reached an icy hand up to touch the tears that still flowed from my eyes. "I was safe..." she murmured. "Why did you feel you had to leave to be safe?" I asked, not able to conceal the anguish in my tone. "I couldn't deal with it any more. I...I began to dwell on it. What happened to me. What they did to me. I wanted to be able to go somewhere where I didn't have to think about it." I didn't know what to say. I hadn't even known. Noticed. For the love of God I hadn't noticed my partner was in enough agony to make her willingly go catatonic. She looked at me again, twisting her body to give me a hug. "You're blaming yourself," she whispered accusingly. "Scully, I - " "Don't. It wasn't your fault." It was. It was and I'd never think otherwise. But I didn't say so. Instead I hugged her back and refused to let go. And words unspoken flashed through my mind. I love you. *I love you too.* ***** All done! Abree AbreeBB@aol.com "The truth is not 'out there.' It's in Newark." ~Visit my Realm~ *http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1828/index.html*