Title: The Defining Myth (1/3)
Author: Linda Howell (bookdal@bellsouth.net)
Spoilers: 5th season up to "The Red and The Black"
Disclaimers: The Xfiles and its characters belong to 20th Century Fox,
1013, and Chris Carter. No profit is made for this, so please don't sue.
Author's Notes: Thanks to those who responded to my post at ATXC,
especially CiCi Lean. This is my first fanfic. I hope you enjoy it, I
know I enjoyed writing it.


          There are times when I want to leave myself. To take flight
from the web that is my life and find another soul to inhabit, another
face to wear. This desire usually manifests itself when I am with her.
I look into her beautiful eyes, finding there the forgiveness I am
afraid to ask for, the forgiveness she wants so much to impart. I
punish her with my pride, letting the guilt and heartache fester
between us. They are open wounds infected with lies and truths. In
this world, they are one in the same.

	She knows I am staring at her. I have been staring at her for
the last five years. When I picture her in my mind, I am reminded of
an old Greek myth which tells of Theseus battling the Minotaur, a
monster trapped in Daedulus' elaborately built maze. Theseus, an
Athenian hero, is aided by the king's daughter Ariadne. She gives him
a thread that will help him find his way back. Theseus finds the
monster, slays it, and returns. Later, he betrays Ariadne, breaking
her heart and spirit.

	I am Theseus.

	The truth is my monster.

	And Scully?

	She is the unfortunate victim of my quest. I betray her with
my belief, and it is breaking her apart.

	A piece at a time.

	"Mulder?"

	"Yeah, Scully?"

	"You look lost in thought. Is it the case?"

	Honestly, I can't remember what we are investigating this
time. Monsters, ghosts, and demons. They are all the same, figments of
a mass imagination. I believe in only one thing: The power of the
human mind to deceive itself.  She has given me this. Without her, I
would still be chasing the shadows, grasping at them through the
poorly constructed maze of my fantasies. I do not blame her for my
change. I wish I could, but I don't. Too many times she has had to
play my Ariadne. Too many times she has paid for my sins.

	How can I blame her for survival?

	I shake my head, "No, not the case."

	"Then what?" It is simply put. Yet she has no idea what she is
asking.

	"Nothing. Just thinking."

	She assumes that irritated look. I can tell by the way
 her eyebrow shoots up towards her hairline. It is an endearing and
common occurrence. It tells me that she is intrigued. I just hope she
lets it go. I am in a reckless mood. Reckless enough to tell her these
things with my eyes. Careless enough to allow them to slip pass my
lips. Let it go, Scully.

	For both of our sakes. Let it go.

	She doesn't. "Mulder? What is it?"

	I am at a crossroads. I can feel it in the bottomless pit of
my being.

	We are finally there.

	I'll let her wait a few minutes. I need to savor these last
moments. It has been a bittersweet journey, and after today, it will
not be as it was. I turn back towards the past five years, my mind
reviewing our union with a jealous eye. My future awaits me, but it is
my past that seduces me. Why can't I crawl back? Why do I have to
reach the end of the labyrinth? I am afraid of monsters. I am afraid
of her.

	She is waiting for the truth.

	I am Theseus.

	And Scully?

	She is betrayed.

End (1/3)

The Defining Myth (2/3)
Author: Linda Howell (bookdal@bellsouth.net)
Disclaimer: see part 1
Spoilers: up through 5th season
Notes: With me so far? Good. I hope you enjoy the rest.


        And so it starts.

"Scully, I am sorry. More so than you will ever know."

        She looks at me with those brilliant blue eyes. She
understands that this is a serious conversation, not the usual
self-deprecating Mulder. I love her for that. Sometimes, it seems as
if Scully is the only one who understands me.

        She closes the file in front of her before asking, "What is
it, Mulder?"

I want to be articulate. I want to be poetic. But I am too tired to be
anything other than truthful.

"I am sorry that my quest has become your life. I am.."

She holds up her hand, stopping me mid-thought, "Mulder, I don't want
to revisit this issue. It is not your fault. How many times do I have
to say it before you understand? The world does not revolve around the
choices you make."

She is also the only one who can make me really angry. How dare she?
Who is she to absolve me of my sins?  She doesn't even know half of my
sins! I am trying to be calm.

1, 2, 3. . .

"I know what you are saying Scully, but for once, just once, in our
relationship, could you please let me explain myself without
dissecting me and my beliefs? Is that possible? You say the world
doesn't revolve around my decisions, and you're right. 'The world'
doesn't give a damn about me, but 'your world' has been destroyed
time and again because of me. Don't deny it! Damn you! Don't deny it!
I had to watch you grieve for your sister Scully! I had to go to the
cemetery with your mother and pick out your gravestone! I waited
three, count them, three months before they found you! I died every
night. I wished upon stars and prayed to gods I don't believe in! For
you! Scully, all for you! But still I believed. God help me, but I
believed. And then one night, you come to me, dying and afraid. Angry
and hurting. And you tell me that I am the reason for your cancer. You
bring proof to contradict my life's work, and I give in, Scully. I
give in."

I hear the harshness. I see the words as they cross her stricken face.
But it is true. I am too tired to play her son, listening as she
chastises me once more for having a different opinion. She knows how
heavy my crosses are. I don't enjoy carrying her pain alongside mine.
I can't do this any longer. I have grown so used to mourning her
impending deaths that I live in grief. She is my heart and soul, yet I
find no happiness with her. Why is that?


She reaches for my hand. I feel the soft texture of her skin against
mine. She is giving me her strength with a touch.

I remove my hand from hers.

She grows quiet. I never noticed it before, but Scully is not a gentle
woman. Her face is hard, cold. Her cheekbones are prominent, the
smooth skin tight around her mouth. She reminds me of a piece of art.
Especially when she is annoyed.

"Okay, Mulder. If you want to do this, then do it. I can't stop you."

She is annoyed, but you know what? I don't care. This is my time. I
have paid for this moment with my soul, and she will listen. Damn her
or me, but I will finish this today.

I begin again. "I am sorry for all of this."

She turns her face away, but I continue.

"Do you know why I love you?"

That catches her attention.

"You don't, do you? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know I love
you. That's you Scully. You like control. You like thinking that the
world is organized, and anomalies are just anomalies. I run after the
aliens while you follow, pretending to take me seriously, but knowing
that I am wrong. How does it feel after all these years, having me
finally capitulate? You don't have to answer. I can see that you hurt
for me. Stop doing that please. Stop staring at me as if I lost
something. I didn't. It just happened. One day there were little green
men. The next they were gone. Will they be back? They might return,
but at least I will know enough to question whether they are real or
not. Is that bad, Scully?  Isn't that what you wanted?"

She regards me in silence. Then, "Not if it means shutting yourself
off from the world. I wanted you to think Mulder. I never asked you
not to believe."

"Ah, but you have. Every time I put you in danger, you asked me. Every
time I was left without you, you asked me. Granted, the words stayed
within you, but they were there and I heard them. So, I am giving in.
You are more important than the monsters. You are. . .you are. ."

For a second, my mind goes blank. The next sentence is lodged in the
back of my throat. The ramifications loom in front of me, holding me
to this one instance. The road is chosen. I need only take the first
step.

"You are more important than the truth."

It is said.

Theseus confronts the monster.

End (2/3)

Title: The Defining Myth (3/3)
Author: Linda Howell
Disclaimer: See part 1. But I can tell ya, they ain't mine.
Spoilers: 5th season
Author's Notes: This is it. The last part. Hope you like it.

Scully is silent. It has been exactly four minutes and fifty-five, no
fifty-six, seconds since I said the words that changed our lives.

"You are more important than the truth."

I can still feel the impact. And now an elephant sits right in the
middle of the basement. I wonder if she notices it? Should I say
something else? I don't think I have the strength to continue. I am
fearful that anything else would disturb this precarious equilibrium
we have experienced all of these years. We are in danger of falling,
but there were things that had to be explained.

It hurt to see her after the incident at the dam. Those first few
minutes after I arrived were hell. The odor of burnt flesh wafted into
my body. The sound of choppers and emergency vehicles blanketed my
ears. I kept seeing her in the office, surprised and concerned at my
lack of faith. Would that be the end? Scully's questions left
unanswered; my journey left unaccompanied. Yet, my only thought was,
"Scully is not here. I would know if she were here. She is not here."

Still, there was a small part of me that was dying inside, screaming
"She is here! Her body is mixed in with these, and you will never see
her again. She dies again because of you."

Later, when I knew she was well, when we were playing our parts as
investigators, that is when she hurt me. It wasn't intentional. In
fact, it was a reasonable plea from a woman who had seen hell too
often. She said she would not follow me on this new adventure; she
refused to go any further.

Maybe that is what Ariadne told Theseus. Perhaps the young girl
realized that the path of the truth seeker is tragic and devoid of
love. Perhaps it was Theseus who was broken.

Perhaps. . .Perhaps I spend my life thinking too much.

It has been nine minutes without a response.

What is going to happen? Have I gone too far? Did I go far enough?

"Mulder?" Her voice startles me.

"Scully?"

"I'm going home now."

She's going home? What the. . .?

"Okay, want me to walk you to the car?"

Want me to shoot myself while I'm at it?

She shakes her head. "No, I want to be alone."

"Are you alright, Scully?"

"Mulder, I'm fine."

I reach out to push her coat onto her shoulders, but she shrugs away
from me. My touch is offensive. I notice the way her eyes dart away
from mine. She wants to cut me off completely. Oh my god, what have I
done?

I can't let it go like this. There has to be something else; this is
not it.

"Don't you have anything to say? I mean, you're just going home?"

She stares at me for a few seconds. I have no idea what she is telling
me with this look, and I don't think she wants me to understand.

"Mulder. I listen to you. I follow you. I love you. But I am tired. I
am tired of your guilt and your 'quests.' But it seems that this is
my fate. I am destined to this journey, and sometimes I just want to
be someone else. Do you understand? I feel like a pawn in a game that
has no rules. And every time I turn around, I lose. I don't want to
lose anymore, so I am going home."

With this, she clasps my hands in hers. They are warm and soft, like
her love.

She smiles, "Good Night, Mulder."

And then she is gone.

I am Theseus.

The truth is my monster.

And Scully?

She is my way back home.

End (3/3)

Author's Notes: So how was this for a first time fanfic? Good? Bad?
So-So?


The X-Anarchy Pen Fanfiction Mailing List
http://members.aol.com/xapen/index.html
xapen@aol.com