Date: Sun, 23 Nov 2031 23:43:16 -0400
Subject: fanfic
Source: direct

Title: Defining Reason

Author: Leigh Neville

Genre: MSR, bit of angst, music crossover, realisation, then no UST... 

Rating: NC-13, there's a minute amount of language. 

Spoilers: Mentions of The Unnatural, Fight The Future and Tooms, nothing

major though. 

Summary: A portrait of beauty through symbolism; a dipiction of love and
need for one another; some harsh words creating acts of realisation. Let
sun shine for ever more. And, oh yeah, Scully admits the reason behind her
dedication to the X Files. 

Disclaimer: I do not own or make money from Mulder, Scully, Skinner, The X
Files or the words of Macy Gray and Sheryl Crow. They bring me great
wealth but not of the financial kind. I thank Chris, David and Gillian. I
thank the Fox Network. I thank Sheryl and Macy. You have all given so
much, and inspired this piece of shit. Sorry if I ruin you. 

Dedication: For the one who I worry about. Is it only The X Files which
holds us together? I think I discovered the answer to that as I wrote
this. I am the moonbeam who worships your rays of sun. 


xXx


The morning sunshine filters light into the basement through the small
windows at the top of the room. It is a golden beam that makes all it
touches glow with a radiance likened to a smile. Her smile. It is so
beautiful at this time of the morning. I stand in the office in silence,
taking in the peacefulness of the scene unfolding. I walk around the room,
running my fingers over sun-kissed surfaces, papers and pictures as I go;
running my fingers over the surfaces, papers and pictures that she has
touched. She is like sunshine in the morning. She breaks through the
darkness with a beauty of all the colors of the rainbow, glowing like a
guiding light. Without her, nothing could live on the florishing planet
that is me. She gives me energy, she gives me hope, she gives me life. She
tends to me with a caring love, warming the centre of the one who would
revolve himself around her. She is my essence. Take her away, and I become
a cold, dark, worthless rock floating through life, like one who is dead.
Like one who has never lived. My life is her. 

I stop by a picture taken of us two on a case. When I saw it, I decided to
keep it. It shows us working together in that perfect harmony of dark and
light, night and day, that we have become. We may have differing views
most of the time, but it doesn't matter. We never stop working together
and, together, we find the answers. We compliment one another. I worship
her, I adore her, I love her and therefore I will *always* listen to her
before I throw it back at her with a jibe or joke. I like our bickering.
Bouncing

things off one another and I generally manage to pull a smile on to her
face at some point. And I always get her to lift an eyebrow and roll her
eyes. She is gorgeous when she does that. I love every part of her. She
makes me smile.  Like I said, she is my sunshine. My daytime Goddess. 

xmsx

He hasn't heard me arrive. He is standing, absorbed in thought gazing at
the photo of us. Sun is glinting along his hair, his face is golden, his
eyes sparkle. His eyes are amazing. They look totally admiring, adoring,
worshipping. I let a smile creep on to my face. I wonder whether it is for
me. I'd like it to be. I doubt it's for seeing himself in the photo! He
doesn't seem to respect himself that much. Everything he does is for
others.  For Samantha. For me. I hope those eyes are for me. I want them
to be, as I'm sure that my eyes are reflecting every emotion of his for me
as I gaze at him. We are so silly. 

And we have work to do, so let's get on with it, and wake him from this
trance. 

xsmx

A gentle warmth engulfs my side. It's her. She's here. I don't know when
she arrived. She reaches up and takes the photo from my hand and pins it
back up on the board. I turn to look at her. The sunlight is glistening in
her fiery hair, making it like nothing else I've ever seen before. The sun
caresses her soft skin, giving it a brilliance of elegance. Her blue eyes
are heated with gold. 

"Morning sunshine girl," I cheerfully welcome her. She gives me a
super-special Scully smile and I realise that I just want to melt into her
there and then. 

"Good morning, Dreamer," she replied with a hint of mischief. Oh, sweet
princess Scully, take my everything now, so I might live in the glory of
your sunbeam-smile. 

"C'mon: work," she semi-ordered. Was that an order to me, her, or both of
us?  I kicked myself into action and turned to my desk to sift through the
files to find a case to start, as she went and pulled the chair from her
desk and, sitting down in front of me, she watched and waited patiently
for me to begin. Nothing has really caught my investigative eye though, so
I give up and collapse into my chair. She raises a questioning eyebrow.
Beauty is Scully-shaped. 

"I don't want to work today Scully. There's nothing worth doing and
Skinner hasn't given us anything... Fancy a game of baseball?" I give into
desire, I know. She lets out a sigh and smiles once again. 

"Baseball? I dunno Mulder, I'm still not sure I've worked out how to swing
that bat yet." 

"That's ok, I can help. Remember, it's hips before hands..." 

"I remember perfectly Mulder," she interupted me, "but I seem to recall
allowing you to do all the work, while I simply had fun." Another smile. 

Today is a wonderful day. 

"Well, this time, we'll have to make sure you get more involved then,
won't we?" I love joking. Do you think she can here the seriousness in my
voice? 

"No, Mulder. We can't just skip work. There has to be something for us to
do." 

Why does she have to do this? Is she only here for the X Files? Is it only
work that makes her spend time with me? I guess that's plausible. She has
to get on well with me for the X Files, but I want her to get on well with
me for other reasons. I want her to be here regardless of work. I want her
to enjoy me because of *me*, not my work. 

"I don't want to work, Scully," I whine like a child. 

"Since when have you not wanted to work, Mulder? We're on the X Files, and
you don't want to work???" she inquires, a little shocked. I shrug. 
"Well, fine. Take the day off, but I'm going to find something to do, even
if it does mean sifting through and rearranging the mess that is this
office."  She sounds little pissed off. I don't really want a day off, if
I don't get to spend it with her. I hate weekends because I often don't
get to hear from or see her at all. I sit quietly looking down at the
desk, trying to decide

what to do or say to end this cold silence. 

"Let's play 'I spy'!" I offer quite out of the blue. She looks up and lets
out a weary smile-filled sigh. 

"OK, you go first," she relents. 

"Umm," I think. The it hits me. "I spy with my little eye something
beginning with 'G'" 

"G?" I confirm with my eyes as she questions. "Okay... G... G..." She
looked around the room for a 'G'. 

After a long and searching silence, she announced, "Mulder, the only thing
I can think of is 'gun' but you can't see it, so it can't be that. I give
in." 

"Goddess." 

"Goddess?" Ohhh, that eyebrow - I love how she raises that eyebrow. 

"Goddess," I repeat. "I can see a Goddess lit by the golden morning sun." 

"Where exactly?" 

"Sitting opposite me." Oooh, eye-rolling heaven, not to mention the most

delicious smile. 

"You need to get out more, Mulder." 

"No I don't. If I went out more, I'd spend less time working with you. 
And that would be like suicide." 

"I'm flattered, Mulder, really, but you shouldn't do your job only for
your partner." Playful medical. Detached. Not today, Goddess. 

"So why do you enjoy work, Scully?" I probe. "Is it nothing to do with
your partner? Surely your partner can affect enjoyment of work." 

"I work in order to solve cases and stop crimes from happening. I like my
partner, I respect him. But the work is why I am here. I love my work,
whether I am working alone, with you, or with another agent." 

Ouch. That wasn't nice. I feel utterly rejected. 

xmsx

Shit. Why did I say that? He looks so hurt. It's really stabbed into him.
I can't tell him it's about him though, I can't... can I? He's the
beautiful, crisp, sparkling moon which orbits this planet, whose moonbeams
light my

darkness. I am what I am because of him, for him. Somehow he made me love
him so completely that I could never let go, never give up on him. It's
not just the X Files that keep me here, or what has happened to me, or my
sister, or my daughter; it's my love for him. If we ever got split up, I
would fall

apart, I would hate my job, there would be no reason. It would be the end.
Oh Mulder, I didn't mean that. You know that I was going to quit when they
decided to split us up and send me to Salt Lake City. Only you kept me
here. Surely you must know how I feel.. But I can't tell you. It'd risk
everything.  Risk everything that we have now. Now, it is practically
perfect; I don't want to lose it by telling you how I feel. What if you
don't really feel the same? What if it's always your jokes and you're
never serious. 

"I'm gonna take that day off," Mulder broke my silence. I looked up. 

xsmx

A look that screams out a thousand 'No's. A thousand 'sorry's, I don't
think she meant it, but she won't tell me that with words. Oh, my
bitter-sweet

Goddess, what are you scared of? Of me? Of being so entwined in me that
you are powerless against me? Hell, yes, it is frightening, but it's
wonderful at the same time princess. Maybe she needs to lose me, before
she realises it. 

"I'm taking the week off. Tell Skinner for me, will you please?" 

She looks like she's going to cry. Don't Scully, it's killing me. I gotta
get out of here. I grab my case and coat and I leave. 

xmsx

'I try to say goodbye and I choke; I try to walk away and I stumble; I try
to hide it, but it's clear that my world crumbles when you are not here.'

I try to convince myself that the reason is the X Files. Today I realise
that it's Mulder. Well, I didn't realise that *today* - I think it was on
a stakeout in our first year together - but it's the first time I've
really *admitted* it to myself. Let him be the *only* reason. The X Files
are the reason why we came together, but they are not the reason why we've
stayed together. Love kept us together. Love is the reason. 

What have I done? I try to push him away, but it kills me. As much as it

kills him. 

I took the week off too. I'm at home, padding around in some sweatpants
and a tight-fitting vest top. I have my music playing quietly in the
background as I do little household jobs, my mind filled with my partner.
Even the music is a reflection of him. A painting of us. 

'Lie to me, I'll promise I'll believe. Lie to me, but please don't leave.
I have a face I cannot show. I make the rules up as I go. It's try and
love me if you can; are you man enough to be my man? When I've shown you
that I just don't care, when I'm throwing punches in the air, when I'm
broken down and cannot stand, will you be strong enough to be my man?'

Well, I have programmed the damn thing to play certain tracks on various
CDs, so I guess it's bound to draw an accurate sketch of me fighting
against this love. This love I can no longer deny. This all-consuming love
for my work partner. This love that goes against Bureau policy. I *can't*
love him.  But I can't help but love him. He's my one. 

'No one said it would be easy. No one said it'd be this hard. No one said
it would be easy, oh and look we've come this far.'

We've come this far, I can't quit now. And even if I wanted to quit, I
don't think I'd be able to. We've come too far. He is my reason. 

xmsrx

A knock on the door pulled Scully back into reality. Reaching the door,
she looked through the peep-hole to see who it was. Agent Mulder stood
anxiously waiting. She took a breath and opened the door. On making eye
contact and seeing his pain still clear, she let the silent tears fall
from her eyes. 

"Sorry," she whispered. 

'Come to me now; lay your hands over me. Even if it's a lie, say it will
be alright and I shall believe. Broken in two; I know you're on to me;
that I only come home when I'm so all alone, but I do believe that not
everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be. It seems like
everytime I try to make it right it all comes down on me. Please say
honestly you won't give up on me, and I shall believe.  I shall believe.'

Closing the door behind him, Mulder stepped towards his sorrowful
sunlight. Resting his hands above her hips, he pulled her slightly closer.
He wiped away a tear from her cheek while she settled one hand on his
chest, the other on his cheek. 

"You are why I work. You are my reason," she managed to choke out. 

He hushed her with a kiss. No need for words anymore. 

'Open the door, and show me your face tonight. I know it's true; no one
heals me like you and you hold the key. Never again would I turn away from
you. I'm so heavy tonight but your love is alright and I do believe that
not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be. Seems like
everytime I try to make it right it all falls down on me. Please say
honestly you won't give up on me, and I shall believe.  I shall believe.'

xmsx

The morning sunlight glistens through the window. It lights up her face
which sleeps so peacefully, resting against my chest. She is more
beautiful this morning than any before now. Her body completely relaxed,
no lines of worry invading her delicate brow. A small content smile graces
her full lips.  I have smoothed her hair off her face, tucking it behind
her perfectly formed ear. Its color reflects the rising sun's
transgression from reddy-orange to gold, and it shines in equal splendor.
She truly is a Goddess. 

"I love you," I whisper as I lean down and press another kiss upon her
forehead. She snuggles closer into me as she begins to stir. Her eyes
begin to flutter open. They are more beautiful than ever; they show
undenied love for me. 

"Morning Sunshine." 

And she gives a sleep-filled, hazey smile. I've never seen that one
before, that was a 'sunrise smile' and I love it. I love her. 

"Morning Lover," she replies. I melt into the sun as she goes supernova -
I'm engulfed by her. By Scully. 



The End


xXx