From: Sara Bowen <sabo727@tampabay.rr.com>
Date: 21 Nov 2006 07:13:38 -0800
Subject: [all-xf] New: Delayed Reception
Source: atxc

Title: Delayed Receptions

Author: Sara B.

E-mail: sabo727@tampabay.rr.com

URL: http://sabo727.tripod.com/

Rating: Good for all

Category: AU, M/Angst, S/Angst, a touch of MSR but this is not a romantic
story

Spoilers: The Beginning, Triangle, TGWSC, Tithonus, One Son, the Biogenesis
Trilogy  

Summary: Mulder tunes into Scully's thoughts as she visits him in the
hospital upon her return from Africa.  He isn't happy with what he finds
there and he has to deal with it.

Feedback:  Okay, I've had a really bad year and feedback will make it a
little better so PLEASE!

Archive: I would be honored, just let me know.

Disclaimer:  The recognized characters are used Without Prejudice and are
the property of C. Carter, Fox and the wonderful actors who breathed life
into written words, most notably G. Anderson and D. Duchovny who were able
to make us believe in the improbable.  No Infringements of these copyrights
are intended, and are used here without permission.  The story and before
unknown characters belongs to me.

Gratitude: To Kim Knight, you are the best, thank you.  To my Dennis, enough
said.  To CC and Company, who created the X-Files.  Lastly, but my no means
least, to the readers, you make this hobby of mine have meaning. 

Author's Notes: This is an ugly story.  It is jumbled and races but that is
how our minds work.   

 

Delayed Receptions

Sara B. 10/06

 

Scully stands next to my bed and with my ears I hear her speaking but I
ignore the words and concentrate on her thoughts.  Unlike the other's,
Scully's thoughts are linear and even.  Even in her panicked state her
thoughts are easily discernable.  I see the things she's suffered through
while she was away from me.  I see the ship at the shoreline, the bug swarm
and Dr. Barnes wielding a machete.  I see her escape with Amina Ngebe and
the vision of the primitive, 'some truths are not for you,' he'd said to
her.

 

I see other things in her mind and I feel her emotions as if they were my
own.  I see Diana and I in an intimate moment in the observation room as
Gibson Praise wowed the psychologist with his parlor tricks.  My countenance
is so soft, almost loving.  I never knew she'd witnessed that but for some
reason it doesn't surprise me.  What does surprise me is the intense ache it
caused.  This explains so much of what happened later.

 

I see myself telling her, nearly yelling, how trustworthy Diana is thus
implying she, Scully, is not.  The vision takes on a haze that at first I
don't understand but then realize it is the dullness of disappointment and
abandonment.  Scully thought I had chosen Diana over her and, in a way, I
have to admit she was right.  Diana was saying all the right things and
being agreeable.  It didn't matter that she'd replaced me as head of the
X-Files or that she'd omitted vital information from her report. If Scully
had done that I would have vilified her but with Diana I claimed she was
defending the work.  Hypocrisy thy name is Mulder. 

 

My mind cried out to Scully as my body couldn't, "Scully, please forgive
me!"  I willed her to hear me.

 

I probe deeper; Frohike was sitting next to Scully as she sobbed.  From the
surroundings they had to have been in a hospital hallway.  "Scully, Dana,
what happened?  What did Mulder say?"

 

"He said he loved me."  She turned her head and looked away.  "I know this
isn't how you'd think I'd react but. God, how do I explain it?"  She paused
to gather her thoughts, "months ago I would have welcomed that from him.
It's what I've wanted for so long.  But now, now it is only an insult to
what could have been.  You know the way he's acted, the way he's."  Scully's
voice failed her.

 

"The way he defers to Diana Fowley at every opportunity?" Frohike supplied
and she nodded violently.

 

The pain in my chest as I witness this moment nearly overwhelms me.  It is a
mixture of Scully's pain and my own.  I don't have time to digest this
information when the next scene assaults my mind.

 

I see us at Christmas; not the visions of carnage in the haunted house, but
later, at my apartment.  We'd opened our presents and were indulging
ourselves with a little Eggnog Frohike had given me and talking; but mostly
we just enjoyed being together, or so I thought.  I feel her apprehension
and how she fought her need to flee.  Scully was afraid of me that night.
She doesn't know if I am playing with her, trying to draw her in only to
assault her later with hurt.  She wonders if I'm successful will I toss her
away again and go running to Diana.  I concentrate on her vision of me and
see that I've changed in her mind.  My visage is not as sharp or as noble as
in her earlier thoughts.  It takes me a moment to realize that with each
slight, with every lie, half truth and omission her view of me dims and I
become less of a man and more of a shadow to her as my substance fades.
I've never known such deep sadness as I get from this realization.  I need
to know more!

 

Suddenly a feeling of calm and incredible warmth is flowing over me and I
see my face.  Not the blurred nearly unrecognizable face from Christmas.
No, this face, my face is bright, the features are defined and I'm smiling.
The smile involves not just my mouth but my entire face, especially my eyes,
which are vivid and very green.  The feelings I'm getting are so intense and
I realize this is Scully's joy at waking up to me after she was shot in New
York.  I hear her thoughts at that moment and they fill me with utter
happiness, 'I love you, Mulder.'  She didn't say them but this was almost as
good; almost.

 

The feelings of happiness fades quickly replaced by despair and anxiety.
Scully knows that if what she suspects turns out to be true, but if she
cannot convince me, she may lose everything, the X-Files, her credibility
and me. 

 

"Guys, I've been doing some digging into the background of the smoking man
and came up with some interesting and disturbing things.  He's Agent
Spender's father."

 

"This is unbelievable, Agent Scully," Byers gushed as he read the file.

 

"This box contains everything I found on him but there are some other
documents in there that I need you to follow up on."  She pulled a thick
file from the box, "this file contains some damning evidence against Diana
Fowley.  I know this is unfair to ask but I need to have you verify what is
in here.  I have to know that someone is not setting her up."

 

So, Scully gave Diana the benefit of a doubt.  I am ashamed of my actions
and accusations.  I should have known Scully would always do the just thing
no matter what the cost or who was involved, she wouldn't know how to do
otherwise.

 

I hear the words she spoke to me that ill fated night.  Scully and the
Gunmen are telling me about what they'd discovered about Diana and I see the
figure she is speaking to and I'm horrified.  Before her is this blurred
form with no definite features.  It is standing resolute in its position,
completely unyielding and uncompromising; it is me, though not a version me
I want to recognize.  This man's features are dulled by his disinterest and
disbelief.  He offers no encouragement but maintains an air of smug
superiority and dismissal.  Could this disagreeable visage really be Fox
Mulder, could it be me?  Obviously in Scully's view it is.

 

While I maintained my steadfast refusal to even hear Scully's concerns I was
losing her.  Oh she stayed, physically, but the essence of Scully was
dissolving away and I turned a blind eye to it.  I feel the seeds of hate
joining her love and they fight for dominance.

 

Suddenly a particularly disturbing thought flashes through my mind.   'Why
does this surprise you, Dana?  Mulder believes in every other implausible
thing, of course he would believe Diana Fowley is innocent.  He KNOWS her,
it is only you he doesn't believe in.'

 

I feel a searing pain as we stand before the slaughter at the airfield.
Cassandra Spender is gone and I feel Scully's mind shut down as she tries to
make sense of what her eyes see.  She almost gags from the smells and bile
rose in her throat.  

 

Scully was talking to the pathologists who were to identify the victims.
"It is imperative we locate and identify this woman," she held up a photo
and handed out facts sheet.  "Her name is Diana Fowley.  If she was among
the dead I need to know immediately."

 

Later I feel her relief as someone tells her, "Dr. Scully, we've eliminated
all possible victims and Agent Fowley is not one of them.  However, we did
obtain these photos of her vehicle leaving the base.  You will notice that
there is a passenger in the vehicle.  Can you identify this man?"

 

Mulder was overwhelmed by the ferocity of Scully's emotions.  The photo
shows Diana driving away from El Rico with CGB Spender in the passenger
seat.

 

Scully's mind raced trying to determine what to do with this knowledge.
'I'll tell Skinner and he can tell Mulder that Fowley wasn't here.  I'll see
if I can bury these pictures, maybe the guys can help, maybe Chuck Burk -
THINK damnit, think, Dana!  Mulder cannot find out, it would kill him.'
Suddenly he felt her defeat, 'not that he'd believe me anyway.'  His own
mocking voice, 'I know her, Scully. You don't.'

 

"I thought you knew me too, Mulder, obviously I was wrong and I was wrong
when I thought I knew you."



The scene in Kersh's office played out in slow motion.  Scully's mind was
jumbled and she couldn't focus, only being involved on a superficial level.
Her thoughts whirled around the recent happenings.  She is so exposed to me
and I'm struck by her sheer desperateness.  'I will not let him beat me';
'if he does not listen to me, I cannot help him, I will stay but I work
alone'; 'if he trusts that woman, he cannot be trusted.  Mulder is now one
of the bastards who stole so much from me.  Thieves who took three months of
my life, my health, my ability to conceive and murderers who assassinated my
sister and my child!  This is what you've become, Mulder.'

 

'It is obvious where this is going and we will be offered the X-Files but
I'm not sure I want that anymore.  I'm not going to spend my time constantly
competing with Diana Fowley for Mulder's trust, there is no reason.  I
fought to earn that trust every day for six years.  I earned it with my
loyalty and my losses; I earned it with my very soul.  And if Mulder is so
shallow that the hollow physical comforts Diana Fowley offers is preferred
over the truth then he is not the man I thought he was and he is not worthy
of me or my trust.'

 

She snuck a glance at me and the vision is ghastly.  Everything is in
perfect clarity except me.  I'm a shapeless blob of colors.  I have no form,
no substance; as Scully's opinion of me diminishes I'm dissolving from a man
to an unrecognizable thing.

 

I can barely breathe from the revelation.  If my body would cooperate I'd be
gasping for breath.  I feel like Dorian Grey as each sin blisters my soul.

 

It feels like hours have gone by but it is mere seconds and Scully is rising
to leave.  I hear one last, terrifying thought.  'I'll save you, Mulder, and
then I'm leaving.  I won't stand in the way of the two of you anymore.  I
can't say I don't love you anymore but I can say I honestly don't want to.'

 

~

The moment Scully is gone the cacophony envelopes me again and I need to
work to focus my thoughts; her thoughts.  I now know that Scully sees me as
no better than the Cigarette Smoking Man, Krycek or even Diana.  A deserter
and traitor is how she now knows Fox Mulder.  She no longer thinks I'm worth
fighting for but will try to bring me back for the love she once had for me.

 

I feel my mind closing down; I see the boy on a beach.

 

~

Scully was walking away from me after telling me of Diana's murder.  

 

Her kiss remains a ghost on my brow.  I escape to the beach and the little
boy I've grown to love.  There is something I've forgotten, something
important.  Maybe Scully will help me remember.

 

The ding of the elevator's arrival brings me back to the moment and I turn
toward the sound to see Scully entering the car.  A deluge of memories and
emotions flood my being and I know what I'd forgotten. The doors begin to
slide closed and I know I must stop her or risk losing her forever.
"Scully," I scream, "don't leave me!"  I see the doors close completely and
I feel total loss.  A noise catches my attention, as I look up I see the
doors open and Scully exiting the elevator.

 

End