From: SandyW7592 Date: 14 Dec 1998 04:24:15 GMT Subject: NEW: The Deli Files (1/1) - Humour [This is the first time I've ever posted anything to this group, so believe forgive me if I put my foot into the umbrella stand. This post was also sent to ATXF. Please send feedback to Rachel the moxy woman, whose address appears below, or to me, if you really want to. -- Sandman] The Deli Files (1/1) by: the moxy woman & Sandman Category: Parody, Humour Summary: Our favourite agents (or two people who resemble them an awful lot) are investigating the latest Elvis sighting. Spoilers: None, nada, zippo, zilch, zero. Disclaimer: We don't own them. Ol' Twinkly Eyes does own 'em. We love and respect them a whole bunch, though. You might not know it from this work of fiction, but we do. It is for a school project only, and we will not be making ANY money from it, so don't sue us. Please? ;) Authors' Note: This has been written in the form of a three minute radio play for an assignment I will be completing next term. There are certain stipulations that had to be followed when we wrote it. It had to be under three minutes, there had to be five characters, and the sound effects, ambient sounds, and music beds had to be there too. However, Sandy and I would love some feedback on it as a whole. None of it is written in stone, but we thought you should know the parameters in which it was written in the first place. If you have ANY suggestions, or have any questions, please email me at . We would love to hear back from anyone who wants to write us. This will eventually be professionally produced for my Advanced Production Techniques course, so if anyone is interested in hearing the end product, let me know and I'll send you a tape. :) NOTICE: flames will be used to roast guimauves. Dedication: To our favourite alt.tv.x-files persona, gizzie, and to all of the great fanfic writers whose stories we've read with delight and awe. Thanks for the entertainment. :) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX THE DELI FILES by the moxy woman & Sandman CAST (in order of appearance) **** Special Agent Scolding Special Agent Mopey Bizzie, the Deli Owner Man In Black The Smoked Meat Man MUSIC: "Mutated X-Files Theme" from JCFOS Announcer: (in big boomy voice) The Deli Files. (pause) The Meat is Out There. MUSIC: fades out {SOUND: driving in a car} SCOLDING: Please explain to me *why* we're driving to Pittsburgh, Mopey? MOPEY: I *told* you, Scolding. I got a call last night from a source who told me about a new Elvis sighting in her deli. S: It's FIVE in the morning on a Saturday, Mopey. Did you ever stop to think I might have plans? M: (choking on laughter) That's funny, Scolding! Just hilarious! (more laughter) SFX: [horn beep] S: Watch where you're driving! I'd like to at least be alive when I see this modern day miracle. M: (meekly) Yes ma'am. {SOUND: driving car sound fades} XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX SFX: [bell over door jingling as it opens and closes] BIZZIE: Can I help you folks? M: I'm Special Agent Mopey with the FBI, and this is my partner, Agent Scolding. Are you the one who phoned me last night? B: Yeah. Bizzie's the name, slicing meat's my game. S: (sounding bored with a big sigh at the beginning) Would you mind telling us what the hell happened here? B: Sure thing. I was working on a party platter late last night, when I got to the Olive Loaf. *This* is what I found: SFX: [platter being placed on the counter] M: (in a 'Girly Scream') Whoa!!! B: That's what *I* said. S: Mopey, that's not Elvis! It's just a random arrangement of pimentos. My guess is that loaf was exposed to less than optimal refrigeration. It's probably got more to do with spoilage than with miraculous manifestations. B: (pissed off) Listen lady, I run a respectable business here. SFX: [jangling door sound as Bizzie is finishing her line] MUSIC: "Men In Black" by Wil Smith M: Psst. Hey, Scolding. Is it just me or does that look like Wil Smith to you? S: Great. First you're seeing Elvis, now it's the Fresh Prince. This is Pittsburgh, Mopey, NOT Bel Air. M: I'm going to find out myself. Excuse me, sir, aren't you.....? MIB: (sound like the Fresh Prince) No, I just look like him, you know what I'm sayin'? Yo, yo, check dis out, G-Man. Everyone, look directly into the light. SFX: [poof] : [jangling door sound] MUSIC: "Men In Black" ends B: Ah! My Elvis Loaf! It's gone! M: WHAT?!? B: It disappeared! M: Speaking of disappeared, has anyone seen my gun? S: There's no case here Mopey. Let's go. I wanna get home. A & E's having a "Quincy" marathon. (pause) And this time, *I'm* driving. SFX: [tires squealing] M: (fading out) Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiii..................! XXXXXXXXXXXX {SOUND: deserted street corner, with a few cars going by on a wet street} MIB: Yo boss, I got da goods. SMOKED MEAT MAN: Good. I'm starved. MIB: But boss, this luncheon meat has Elvis on it. SFX: [unwrapping of paper] SMM: (sounding mad and menacing) Olive Loaf!!! You brought me Olive Loaf?!? (pause) (sounding exasperated) Oh, here. Give that to me. SFX: [chomping sound] SMM: (talking with mouth full) It's not smoked meat, but it'll have to do. {SOUND: street sounds end} XXXXXXXXXXX MUSIC: "Mutated X-Files Theme" from JCFOS fading into Elvis's version of "It's Now or Never" SFX: [typing sounds] M: All evidence relating to the Elvis Loaf case has disappeared. There are no witnesses, but I suspect the involvement of the Smoked Meat Man. I'm going to file this as unresolved, but I've got a promising lead on a singing prosciutto. Wait until I tell Scolding about this one. SFX: [typing ends] S: (totally frustrated) Mow-peeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! MUSIC: Elvis fades out LE FIN XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Thank you for reading. :) Rachel the moxy woman, CCC, MOXIML "Scully and Mulder - brave, beautiful and good." -review of TRIANGLE 6X03- =========================================================================== Senior Resident, Carleton University Current Affairs Director @ CKDJ 96.9 FM, Ottawa's New Music [http://ckdj.comnet.ca] V.P. of the S.P.C.D.D. (TM) **OUR MOTTO: DEFEND, ENLIGHTEN & PROTECT** [http://www.geocities.com/~spcdd] [2600 members strong & still growing!] =========================================================================== Yeah, what Rachel said... Seriously I'd like to second Rachel's dedication: To the sublime gizzie and to the various fanfic writers I've lately been entranced by, for the inspiration and delight their works have brought me -- not to mention the shivers of envy their talents have caused -- this little confection is humbly and gratefully dedicated. Sandman CC used my name in "The Beginning"! But my namesake got mulched by the GardenWeasel baby alien. Damn. (remove "spamplam" to reply)