From: "lily potter" Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1999 16:26:38 PST Subject: submission TITLE: A Delicate Balance AUTHOR: HW Marron EMAIL: HWmarron@hotmail.com ARCHIVE: Feel free to archive anywhere else as long as these headers stay attached CATEGORY: MSR, Mulder angst RATING: PG-13 SPOILERS: NONE SUMMARY: I have read many stories about how different authors handle the Gethsemsne episode. I have always kind of wondered, what if things were reversed? What if Mulder was forced to deal with Scully's apparent death? DISCLAIMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah... As much as I would like it, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully don't belong to me. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox. __________ A Delicate Balance by HW MARRON "Excuse me ma'am, how much do these cost?" "$43.89" "Thank you." Taking the newly bought flowers, Fox Mulder headed towards the hospital elevator- up to Dana Scully's room. The moment he heard that Scully was sent to Georgetown Medical Center he hastily finished up most of the details of the case he was working on, and took the first flight back to DC he could. The roomers where that she was suffering for Anaphylactic shock. How the hell did that happen? Anyway, nothing *too* serious to worry about. The elevator door opened up to the sixth floor. Room 179, 180, 181 ahh room 182. Mulder took two steps before stopping short. The room was empty. Ignoring the slight growing fear that started to creep up in, the way back of his mind, he walked back into the hall way, seeking some one who might be able tell him the where about of his partner. 'Where the hell is everybody?' With the exception of the odd orderly and janitor, the hospital was all but deserted... By the time Mulder left St. Louis and arrived in Washington it was all ready eleven. The traffic on the way over didn't help much. ...Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a young nurse coming out of a patient's room. "Excuse me" He said as he approached her, "my name is Special Agent Mulder, I'm looking for my partner, Dana Scully." He flipped his badge for good measure. In the flash of few seconds the young nurse went from startled to fearful, then relaxed bit. "I'm sorry sir, I'm just a candy striper." Oh. With that, the young *candy striper* went back to her business. Damnit! Now what? It was getting late and harder trying to ignore the slowly rising panic. Walking further down the hallway, Mulder finally came across the nurse station. And god Damnit, know one was there. Damnit!! "I'm sorry sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Visiting hours are over." Startled, Mulder spun around to see a heavy set women, who looked to be in her mid sixties. "You a nurse?" "Yes sir, my name is nurse Manning and I'm gonna have to ask you to please leave." Nurse Manning repeated her self. "My name is Fox Mulder, I'm an agent with the FBI. I'm looking for my partner, Dana Scully. I was told that she was brought here earlier today." In a span of a heart beat, Nurse Manning expression went from stern to compassionate. "...I'm sorry sir...Ms. Scully didn't make it. There was a long pause before Mulder could find his voice. "Wwhat...what do you mean?" "There were some complications Ms. Scully slipped into cardiac arrest. We worked on her for 35 minutes, did everything we could..." The words were turning into gibberish. What nurse Manning was implying was that Scully- his Scully, was dead: something Mulder just couldn't wrap his mind around. Through the loud roaring in his ears, a sense of shock washed over him. Quickly his brain switched over to auto pilot . Mulder felt the emptiness in his soul start to form as hot tears pooled in his eyes and spilled over on his face. Some vague far away part of his brain realized him self going over back to the elevator. Some where on the drive home the sense of shock started to where off. Huge tears rolled down his cheeks, blinding his vision. Driving was quickly becoming an impossibility. Pulling over to the shoulder, huge racking sobs shook his whole body. Slamming his fist against the stirring wheel with a sudden rage, Mulder felt the sudden horrible realization that what ever chance of becoming 'one' was now gone and lost forever. Five years of dancing around the feelings they felt for one another. Goddamnit, why *why* didn't he admit his feelings while he could? Why did they have to be so fucking stubborn?! The sobs continued to rock his body, knowing now that he would never know what it would feel like to be able to brush his lips against hers, never be able to hold her close after a long lazy night of love making. 'This isn't happening! This can't be happening!!' By the time Mulder got back to his apartment, he was spent. With swollen blood shot eyes, he peeled out of his suit jacket and with-out a second thought it fell to the floor the same moment he fell on the couch. Past the exhaustion point, any case ever took him on, Mulder was fast asleep the moment his face hit the cushion. Later that night he was awaken by a vivid night mare. "Scully!!!" No longer would there be dreams of Samantha and little gray men. Fox Mulder had a whole new set of night mares to plague his nights now. Running his hand through his hair he went off to retrieve a glass of water from the kitchen. After chugging it in five long gulps then carelessly placed it in the sink, he sat back down on the couch. 'I don't know if I can do to this without you Scully.' Mulder thought sadly to himself. Looking down he was surprised to see that his .45 made it way into his hand. He looked at it memorized, felt the comforting weight of it in his hand, traced along the contours with the tip of his finger tip. Lazily his finger traveled over the end. HA! he thought the weight of the gun felt good?! The tip pressed to his temple felt a hell of a lot better! As a tear ran off his face and splashed down to his lap the pressure on the trigger increased' 'I'm coming baby.' ************************************** "MULDER!" Startled, Mulder jerked the gun away from his head as a frantic Dana Scully came running to his side. "Mulder, what are you doing?" Scully said, with a tenderness in her voice, kneeling down in front of him. Mulder, with a look of total shock and disbelief watched as Scully pried open his fingers that where tightly gripped around the gun, then placed in on the near by coffee table. "Scully?" His voice came out whisper quite, confused. She sat next to him. "Hey" Scully said running a hand through his hair. He still had a look of confusion on his face "Scully? " "Mm'hm." He still had a look of confusion on his face. "..I thought- but your dead" She shook her head slightly. "Oh God...Oh God." It was becoming too much. The confusion broke away to sudden realization. Scully watched as Mulder's face crumpled in to some thing that looked like intense agony, but instead of agony, She knew it was utter relief. His face quickly found its way into the nape on her neck. His arms warped tightly around her waste. She murmured words of reassurance and comfort as she stroked his neck and back. For a long time he cried- a horrible strangled cry that came from deep with in. "Its OK...shhh its OK." "Oh god Scully, I thought you where dead.. thought you were dead.. I didn't want to live anymore." "I know." Scully said with a hint of anger in her voice. "Your still alive. Your still alive." Mulder said over and over again, It almost sounded like he was trying to convince himself. "Your still alive." Mulder said again pulling away. But this time his voice was flat, his eyes dark. 'Oh boy hear we go.' Scully cringed inwardly, knowing she had some explaining to do. She knew this was going to happen; When the initial shock of her non-death wore off and the fact that she lead to him to believe that she was dead was still yet to be explained. It was a few days ago when it all started. While Mulder was in St. Louis helping out a friend with a case Scully was in a middle of a meeting with Kersh and some other top FBI officials- some of which that were personally responsible for the closure of the X files. She was in the middle of discussing the back ground of a suspect. When much to her dismay and more than a little embarrassment the toll of a constant three days of lack of food and sleep caught up with her. She fought off best she could the sudden lightheaded dizziness, but the blackness eventually won out and when she awoke again she was in the ever familiar hospital. After every single test possible was run to make sure it wasn't a cancer relapse, it was Skinner who came up with suggestion to Scully that she lay low for a while. Let the powers that be think that one of the two annoying little thorns in their butts went into cancer relapse. What the hell did they care? It made their lives a hell of a lot easier- good riddance. It gave Scully a good opportunity to catch up on some much needed rest and do a little digging with out the worry of having to look over her shoulder every two seconds. But it wasn't suppose to go *this* far. How they hell did Mulder find out any way? In the span of a heart beat Mulder was up and off the couch in a flash. Anger coursed through every fiber in his being. She explained to him her story, but it didn't come any where close enough to satisfying him. "How could you do this to me?!?!" "Christ Mulder, Its not like I did this to you on propose. Its not like I woke up one morning and thought, 'Hmm? I wonder how I could ruin Mulder's life?'" "You should of told me god Damnit? I thought we were partners! I thought we were friends! Best friends *talk* to one another!" "You have got to be kidding me Mulder! You could be having the best day or the worst day of your life and you still wouldn't tell me" "That's not true!" "It is true Mulder and you know it! You couldn't open up to me if your life depended on it!" "Shut up!! Just shut up!!" He didn't want to hear anymore. There was some truth to what Scully was saying, in fact there was a lot of truth and that was the last thing he wanted to hear. Grabbing his jacket off the chair, Mulder slammed the door behind him, leaving Scully a where she stood- alone in his apartment. Outside, Mulder knew he was being irrational but he didn't care! Damnit! He was upset, angry, tired, frustrated and if anything, he needed to vent. Fox Mulder blew off a lot of steam that night. The side of an old dumpster took the brunt of it. Hearing a rattle at the door, lifting her face from her hands, Scully quickly got up from Mulder's couch not knowing what do expect. "Mulder?" He said nothing as he entered, going straight to her. God she was so beautiful and smart and alive, so very much alive. Overwhelmed, he fell to his knees wrapping his arms tight around her waste. He pressed his face into her abdomen- desperately craving the contact. Her fingers threaded through his hair, silently letting him know that everything was going to be all right. His hand slipped beneath her shirt, unintentionally causing little sparks of electricity to shot through her body. Pushing away any thoughts of where the night could easily go if it was another time and situation, Scully allowed Mulder the contact he seeked. He pushed the shirt up further, exposing more of her skin. He pressed his cheek to the warm flesh. "Scully" It was all he uttered The single word spoke volumes: An apology of sorts for yelling earlier, an expression of the complete and utter relief he felt, and an insight of the blinding love he only felt for her, trapped away deep in his soul. Surprising Scully a little, the soft rubbing of his cheek to her belly stopped. With out any thought of repercussion Mulder's lips pressed against her. Giving her soft, tender butterfly kisses across her belly. Words couldn't express the depth of love he felt for this person. God, he loved her so much. Alive. Fox Mulder was never a true believer in the powers that be , but it was god that he was now pledging his undying gratitude to right now. Dropping to her knees before him, Scully tenderly pressed a palm to his cheek. A storm of a thousand emotions could be seen in his eyes. "I'm so tired." "I know..." Her voice was soft, soothing "Lets go to bed." They undressed in silence. No comments or funny jokes were made about the stacks of junk gathered with in his room. Or about the last time Mulder's bed was used as something other as a dust collector. They stripped out of their work clothes: Mulder is his boxers while Scully donned one of his T-shirts. As by a force, unbeknown to either, as soon as they were under the covers, they automatically came to one another. Wrapping his arms tight around Scully's waste, Mulder's head slipped down low to her belly. From some where deep with in his soul a deep kneeing sound came from his chest. "Its OK." Scully whispered to him, as her hand went down to stroke his head. "It's OK." Hot tears slipped down his cheek pooling on her stomach. But they were good tears, cleansing tears. It wasn't long before the toll of the day won out, and still clutching on to Scully, like a little girl would to a favorite doll he let him self drift off into sleep. END PART ? "You passed me today within a foot, but you were *miles* away" -Dana Scully The X files FLAME AWAY!!!!!!! Authors notes: Yup, this was my first fan fic. Well if I'm going to be truthful, this is my first submission. I'm currently in the middle of writing a much longer piece called, "A Final Loss of Innocence" ( Which should be finished ..Oh I don't know.. The 12th of never sounds about right.) I needed to do something to break up the monotony. Thus, Delicate Balance. I decided to add the authors note at the end, because after the endless amount of fan fic that I've read, seeing the author's note in the beginning stating that it was the writer's first story, I just didn't quite look at it the same way. Please, please believe me when I say that I don't mean any offense to those authors, because I do not at all. Please send all comments, good and bad to: HWmarron@hotmail.com If I need work (and I have a feeling I do) Please don't hesitate to tell me. Like I said before, I'm a begging writer and if something just isn't right, I need to be told so.- That's the only way I can get better.