From: Stef Davies Date: 13 Jun 1999 17:52:17 GMT Subject: (Non Archived) ScullyAngst: Desolation (Season 2 - 3) This story was written in November 1995 whilst I was in hospital having all my female bits whipped out (you really wanted to know that, didn't you?) That explains the - shall we say - gynaecological nature of the tale. This story is based on the characters and situations created by Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting. Used without permission and no infringement is intended. Comments, flames, critiques, praise etc welcome - I'd really appreciate some feedback. DESOLATION by Stephanie Davies stefaniexf@aol.com Fox Mulder was worried even before he got the telephone call. Dana Scully had been irritable all week, had stayed working in the building until late each evening despite the fact that they were only catching up on paperwork in a lull between cases. When Mulder had suggested to her she should get an early night she had practically ripped his head off. And then this morning she'd received a brief telephone call from someone she'd addressed as Dr Kearns. "Got to go, Mulder - I'll be back later", and pausing only to gather her coat and purse, she had swept out of the basement office. But the hours had passed with no sign of her return. Mulder had gone alone to a meeting with Skinner and had made excuses for her absence, only half hearing what the older man was saying. At five the phone had rung: "Mr Mulder, this is Dr Victoria Kearns". The voice sounded hesitant: Mulder recognised the name he had heard that morning. "Is Dana Scully there, please - I'd like to speak with her...." Leaning back in his chair, Mulder replied, "No, I'm sorry - she's been out since this morning. Excuse me , but didn't you call here earlier? She rushed out right afterwards." "And you haven't seen her since? Damn!" Mulder was startled by the vehemence now in the woman's tone. "I really need to find her, Mr Mulder. I've left messages at her apartment and spoken to her mother, but she couldn't help. Look," the voice paused as if considering whether to continue, "Do you have any idea where she might go if she were upset?" "Upset?" Mulder frowned, and his posture became tense as he sat up straight again. "What's going on here - you're a medical doctor?" "Yes, but I can't tell you -" "I'm coming over. Where are you? We can sort out the ethics when I get there." Mulder drove the blocks to her office cursing the rush-hour traffic. On the way he tried calling Dana's apartment, but only got the answerphone. "Scully, if you're there. pick up...." The machine merely beeped, then waited. "Okay, call me as soon as you can - it's important." He tried her mobile. It was switched off, and Mulder felt a sense of foreboding. Scully even kept her cellphone on during those rare occasions when she was out on a date, for God's sake. It was raining by the time he arrived at the building. The door plate read 'V.Kearns F.A.C.O.G.' Dr Kearns was waiting for him in her outer office. "In here, Mr Mulder". The office was all pastel colours and potted palms. Galleries of babies and small children lined the walls, and in one corner was a box overflowing with toys. Dr Kearns motioned to him to sit down, but as she made no movement to do so herself, he remained standing and dispensed with the pleasantries. "Scully's taken off somewhere, Doctor, and you're worried enough to be contacting her mother and her work to try to find her. Now, what's going on?" "I can't give you details, but Dana came to me last week with - some concerns. We ran tests, and this morning I called her to let her know the results were in, and to come over." The woman hesitated. Bending down, she retrieved a small pink bear which had escaped from the toy-chest, and placed it carefully on her desk. "Unfortunately I was seeing another patient when Dana arrived, and she asked my receptionist if she could look over the test results while she waited." Dr Kearns shook her head. "She shouldn't have been given those results. She walked out with her notes before I could speak with her, and hasn't returned." Mulder said darkly, "Didn't anyone try to stop her?" "No-one was really paying much attention. We were pretty busy; three other doctors on this morning, and all the moms and kids." "And you're sure that what she read in her file will have upset her?" "You can see for yourself, Mr Mulder. I ran the closed-circuit tape before I called you. I wanted to be sure I wasn't fussing over nothing." Kearns picked up a remote, and a small tv set in the corner flickered into fuzzy black-and-white life. Mulder watched the grainy picture: a fish-eye view of the reception area. He saw Dana enter, and after a brief exchange at the desk, pick up a folder and take a seat on one of the couches. He watched as a baby girl wobbled to her feet and tottered across the room, brandishing a rag-doll and a delighted grin, to fall onto her bottom next to Dana's leg. He saw Dana lean forward, and with great gentleness pick the infant up and carry her back to her mom. Returning to her seat, she then opened the folder and began to read. Mulder watched as her body became rigid. He could not distinguish the expression on her face, but he saw she closed the folder very slowly. Carefully, as if she were stiff or bearing a surgical scar, she straightened up, hoisted her shoulder-bag, and moved toward the door. In opening the door she half-turned, and her face was framed in the shot. Mulder thought he had never seen a look of such desolation. He turned to Kearns, and spoke fiercely, "I need to know...." "Mr Mulder, I can't tell you what's in her file. But I've known Dana a long time - since Med. school - and she's consulted me professionally since she came to Washington. I'm very familiar with her medical history. There's been no indication before of anything anomalous. But her recent test results are mystifying. And she's just got to be devastated by...." Her voice trailed off as she became aware she might say too much. She knew little about this man standing in front of her: Dana had spoken rarely of her work recently, or of her private life: in fact Kearns had only the vaguest idea of Dana's position in the FBI. Their talk was of shared time together in medical school. Mulder stepped close to Dr Kearns, not intending to intimidate her, though that was the effect. "Is she sick?" he said, fiercely. "Tell me, dammit...." "No, nothing like that...." she retreated from his intensity. "Mr Mulder, I'm a gynaecologist. You'll have to draw your own conclusions. But find Dana. And when you do, bring her to me. I need to speak with her. And *she* will need to talk this through with someone." The journey to Dana's apartment was a nightmare. Mulder's hands tightened on the wheel as he drove through streets slick with rain and remembered that other night , that other drive, when Dana had disappeared and the three-month hell that followed. He had come to an acceptance then of how much Dana Scully meant to his life, and not just as his partner and best friend. To lose her again.... And what had Dr Kearns meant? He paraphrased in his mind 'I'm a gynaecologist - go figure'. Maybe Dana was pregnant. Mulder felt a stab of sorrow, but whether it was the thought of Dana with another man's baby inside her, or Dana no longer able to work with him because of it he didn't examine. And that didn't make sense, anyhow - Dana wouldn't be devastated by a baby, unless....And he knew she hadn't dated for a while.... He shook his head. It was foolish to speculate - and he had arrived at her apartment. Her car was parked outside, but the windows were dark, the curtains still open. Mulder tried her cellphone again: still off. He called her home number: still the answerphone. "Scully, I'm outside your apartment. Please pick up - if you're in there, I'm coming in...." "Go away, Mulder. I don't want you here." Scully's voice was low and rough over the line. At the sound of her voice, Mulder slumped back with relief. "Sorry, Scully. We need to talk. I'm coming in." The line went dead. Mulder ran up the steps to her apartment block, briefly wondering what he would do if she had deadlocked the door. But he didn't even need to use his key: she opened at his knock. "Go *away* Mulder." Her face was puffy and her eyes reddened, but her stance in the doorway was determined. Looking past her he saw a glass and a bottle of scotch on the table. She followed his gaze. "Yes, I'm just about to get bombed, Mulder. It's something I rarely do, but tonight it seems appropriate. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get started." She made to close the door on him. "I'm not leaving, Scully." He stepped forward into the room. "Fine." She turned from him. "Then stay and watch." She sat down on the couch and poured herself a tumbler of neat whisky, then drank half of it down with swift gulps, shuddering slightly. She sat facing away from him. At some point in the last few hours she had been caught in the rain: damp tendrils of hair curled round her face, and her shoes and hose were splattered with mud. Mulder hung up his damp coat, then moved round the room pulling the curtains closed and switching on her little desk-lamp. Finally he came and sat down next to her. On the table near the bottle he saw what were clearly her medical notes. "Where have you been, Scully? I expected you back." She didn't look at him to reply. Finally, defiantly, "I went to the zoo." "To the.... zoo! " Mulder was incredulous. " In November .... In this weather? Scully, we had a meeting this afternoon...." he trailed off. This wasn't coming out right. He started again. "Doctor Kearns called. She's worried about you. Said you rushed off this morning, and she's anxious to talk to you." "There's nothing to talk about, Mulder. I just need .... to be left alone." "I'm not leaving here, Scully, until you tell me what's wrong." A silence stretched out between them. Ten..... fifteen minutes. Mulder sat back on the couch and felt his eyelids grow heavy. Scully poured herself another shot of scotch and swallowed it down. She started speaking then, in a low monotone. " I sat and watched the wolves 'til it got too dark. I like wolves. They're so misunderstood. We think of them as solitary creatures - the lone wolf, howling at the moon. But that's not how they really are at all. They have a very strong family bond. A mother will freely sacrifice herself for her cubs." Scully's fingers picked at the plush fabric of the couch as she spoke. "They bond for life." Scully was still half-turned away from him, but Mulder could see the tracks of tears glistening down her cheek. He stood up and went to Dana's phone. She twisted round as he began to punch in numbers. "Who are you calling?" "Your mom. If you won't talk to me...." Suddenly she was up, and snatching the instrument from his hand. "I don't need *anyone* here - least of all my mom. God!" Her face crumpled and she sagged back against the wall for support, still holding the phone, "How'm I going to tell mom?" thought Mulder. He unclasped her fingers from the phone and set it down. Then he reached out and pulled the resistant woman to him and hugged her tightly. Still holding her close, he led her back to the couch, and sat her down. "Scully - Dana - I'm your friend, and I want to help....." She tried to push away from him. "No-one can help, Mulder. Not ever. Not *ever*." But he did not release her; rather, held her aginst his chest, one hand smoothing the fiery hair back from her face. Then she wasn't fighting against him any more, but leaning into him. "Talk to me, Dana. You don't need to go through....whatever it is....alone." His tone was almost pleading. "Haven't we learned that? Both of us?" Taking a deep breath, for the first time that evening she looked directly at him. Her face was a careful blank, but Mulder read a bottomless sorrow in her eyes. "While I was - gone - they took ...." She swallowed hard, and her mouth moved, but she was unable to speak for a moment. "Mulder, they harvested my ova. *All* of them." Her eyes slid away from his face, and she whispered so low that he could barely hear, "It's not possible. But apparently it's true. And God knows what other damage...." Then she looked back at him and her voice grew rough. "I can't have children. That's it. That's what it means." Mulder stiffened in shock, stricken. " All right. Now you know. Now you can go." She pushed out of his arms , away from a pity she dreaded to see on his face, and stood up. Numb with grief, Fox Mulder let her go. She moved around the room, touching objects seemingly at random as if trying to connect with something solid and real. "It's a joke really, anyway." Her right hand was working her gold cross backwards and forwards on the chain round her neck. "I haven't had a date for months. Haven't *slept* with anyone for nearly two years. Never was much chance of a baby for me - you generally need a man on the scene for that kind of thing - right?" She was not speaking to Mulder, though, but herself. "But I always thought - you know - one day, I'd have a husband, and a baby.... and I've just got to get used to the idea that I'm not going to have either." She paused. "So that's what I'm doing tonight. getting used to the idea." Mulder's voice was thick ." Dana, I don't know what I can say to you." "No, of course you don't. No-one will know what to say. So I won't tell anyone else- ever. And - Mulder, if you do, I *swear* you'll never see me again." Drained, she sat back down on the couch, reaching again for her drink. He stared at her. "You need to tell your mom!" "She doesn't have to know. It would make her - so sad. I truly couldn't bear it." Her voice dropped to a whisper. " She would be so sorry for me.... Mulder, I feel like I've let her down. And she's still grieving for Missy." She sat, arms wrapped round her body, hugging in her pain. "Dana, I don't know that much about it, but there are things that can be done, you know. You *do* know. Maybe that's what Doctor Kearns wanted to talk about." "Yeah, Mulder - donor eggs, IVF, GIFT - I do know. But I'm not in a situation to consider those things - I'm not married, nor likely to be." She turned away from him again, leaning against the side of the couch, her head resting on her crossed arms. "Why do you say that?" he responded softly. Her voice was muffled. "Because I won't get married now. Knowingly deprive some man of the chance of a family and children? I'm not going to put any man in the position of having to make such a choice." "Surely that's not a choice for you alone....don't you think the man in question might have something to say about it?" "Which man are we talking about here, Mulder?" she replied bitterly. "The last time I dated, the guy took off half-way through the evening when he found out where I worked. He was a jerk, anyway. I don't even know why I agreed to spend any time with him, except that it had been so long.... So the likelihood of my meeting anyone who I could spend my life with is remote, babies or no babies." Mulder reached out blindly for her, and pulled her into his arms. But this was not the time for such words. Tonight Fox Mulder could only offer Dana Scully whatever comfort she might find in the warm presence of his arms as she mourned for a future she now never thought to see. It was another bereavement, of a kind. For both of them. (The end) Stef My X-Files Fanfic Archive: http://members.aol.com/stefaniexf/fanfic/index.htm