From: "Voet" <voet@tanja-myrna.demon.nl>
Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 20:08:41 +0100
Subject: New story
Source: direct

Title: Diary of D.K. Scully (1/1)
Author: Tanja
E-mail address: voet@tanja-myrna.demon.nl or xfshippers@writeme.com
Rating: PG
Keywords: Mulder Angst, Scully Angst, Kidfic, MSR, Sculy POV
Spoilers: none
Summary: Bits and pieces of the diary of Dana Scully. Story is part of
the mirror of love story.

Archive: Gossamer and Souls Entwined Archive always. Anywhere else is
alright, as long as you send me an e-mail to let me know. 

Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and the whole group belong to CC, 1013 and Fox
Network. Except for Lyndsey and Lisa, they're my friends, whose names I
used for this story (In case you didn't realize yet guys *g*). 

Author's notes: Well this is the last story in the Mirror of love group, I
really enjoyed writing them and I would like to thank everybody for the
great feedback they gave me. Thanks all you guys, you make me want to keep
writing! 

Dedication: I would like to dedicate this story to two people. To Joey, my
partner in crime in co-writing. And a wonderful friend and supporter. To
Traci, for sending me the first 6 episodes of Season 7, I still can't get
over the fact that Mulder and Scully looked so damn cute in the end of
Amore Fati! Wow, this opens whole new possibilities! Thanks Traci! J Oh
yeah, could somebody tell me if I'm just the only one who thinks that
Mulder is really gazing a little more than usual at Scully's blouse in
Rush?  Sorry, just wondering, it has nothing to do with this story! 

Diary of D.K. Scully (1/1) 

8 January 2000

Today I had to do the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to break the
heart of the person I love more than life itself. For 7 years we have been
partners. In those 7 years we have been through hell and back and until
today, I believed that it couldn't get any worse. But I was wrong, it did
get worse. 

Late last night, I received a phone call. It was Assistant Director
Skinner, he told me that he needed me to come to Quantico, to perform an
autopsy. He didn't tell me who it was or what it was for. All he told me,
was to come as soon as possible. Of course I went, the man is still my
boss, and so, even though all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep, I
got dressed again and drove there. During the drive there I was wondering
what was so urgent for me to come down there in the middle of the night. 

I didn't understand, until I got there. Skinner was there and another
Agent, probably the one who was handling this case. In the beginning I
still didn't understand. Skinner told me, that they had found a child's
body, buried in the woods. He wanted me to perform the autopsy, to find
out the cause of death. It was the next thing he said, that made me
realize why this was so important. "We have reason to believe that this
girl died a long time ago. Reason to believe that this is ..." That's
where he paused for a moment, before he told me that they thought that it
was the body of Samantha Mulder. Suddenly I understood why he had asked me
to come. 

The girl that was taken away from Mulder so many years ago, when she was
only 8 years old. The one he had always been looking for, she was his life
long quest. When she was abducted, his family was broken apart. His
parents couldn't accept the fact that she was gone. After she was gone,
the fights started, it was as if Samantha had taken their ability to love
and be a family with her. The marriage ended in a divorce. Mulder told me
about his parents a few times in the past. From what he told me, I knew it
hadn't been easy for him. In their grief and sadness, his parents forgot
one important thing. Samantha hadn't been their only child. 

They also had a son. A 12-year old boy, scared and hurt by everything that
had happened. They thought they were the only ones in pain, the only ones
who were hurting so much. They weren't. He was hurting too, she was his
sister and even though they had fought like cat and dog sometimes, he had
loved her. He had lost her too and they couldn't see it, lost in their own
worlds. When he was 18, he left. 

He had left home and had got as far away as possible. Would he also have
gone to study in England, when the situation had been different? Maybe he
would have, but then he wouldn't have been running away. He told me, that
he didn't see his parents a lot in those 4 years. During holidays he
stayed with friends. He did not return to America until he was 22 years
old.  After graduating in Psychology, he went back and accepted a position
with the FBI. 

Special Agent Fox William Mulder, on his way to become one of the best
agents the bureau had ever had. He was well-known for his excellent
profiles, until the day he found the X-files. The day he found them, was
the day he took a different path in his career. Not the one people would
have liked him to take, it was not what they had planned for him. But he
took it anyway, knowing and hoping that maybe he would find the answer to
the question he had never forgotten. What had happened to Samantha? 

Until last night, all he found were more questions. Last night I found
part of the answer to his question. Skinner's suspicions were correct, the
body belonged to Samantha Mulder. The autopsy told us, that she had been
killed, not long after the night she was abducted.  All the times he
thought that he had found her, it wasn't her. She has been dead for all
those years, Mulder has been searching for something that was gone
already, without him even knowing it. The only answer to his question was,
that she had been killed. The only certainty he has now, is that she is
really dead and will not come back anymore. 

This does not answer his question however. The answer only leads to more
questions. Who abducted her that night? Why did they do it? Why did they
want Mulder to believe that she was still alive? Why all those clones? 
Questions I can't find an answer to right now. Maybe we will never find
them. And as I look at him, asleep in my arms, tear stains still on his
face, I wonder if they still matter. 

As I performed the autopsy, I prayed that this wasn't her. That it was
some other child, that there would still be a chance that he would find
her.  But as day replaced the night, I came to realize that he would never
see her again. The child's body belonged to Samantha Mulder. Mulder's
quest had come to an end. 

Skinner asked me if I wanted him to tell Mulder the news, but I couldn't
let him do that. The news was already bad enough, the least I could do for
Mulder, was tell him myself and be there for him after that, hoping that
in some way he would be able to accept. But how does one have to accept
something like this? It was difficult. It was early in the morning, when I
arrived at his apartment. He opened the door cheerful, but the look on my
face made him realize that something was terribly wrong. 

I asked him to sit down and as calm as possible, I told him what we had
found out. He looked at me in disbelief, told me it wasn't possible, that
I had to be wrong. That the child couldn't be Samantha. It didn't take
long, before the disbelief was replaced by anger, not wanting to accept
that I was telling the truth. He told me I was lying and I let him yell.
It might have been minutes or hours, I don't know anymore, but in the end
he finally broke down, crying. And all I could do was hold him in my arms,
whispering that everything was going to be alright. It broke my heart to
see him like this. In the end he fell asleep in my arms, exhausted after
crying for hours. 

He has always been so strong. When I am ill, or sad, he is always there
for me. Never letting me down. My rock in the storm. This time I will be
there for him, his rock in the storm. I only hope that he will hold on to
that rock, will not let go. It would be so simple to take the easiest way
out, but deep in my heart I know that we will get through this, together
and I know that some day he will be able to laugh again, looking back
without sadness, but I don't know how long it will be before that day
comes. 


9 June 2000

The last 6 months haven't been easy for him. It's never easy to deal with
the loss of somebody close to you. I know, I have been there myself. I
felt it when my father and Melissa died. And now I'm feeling it again,
because it hurts Mulder and in some way that hurts me too. When he's sad,
I'm sad.  When he's happy, I'm happy, it's as simple as that. 

After that day, Skinner offered him some time off, but he didn't take he. 
He said he just wanted to move on with his life. He has changed, we spend
more time together away from work. Before he never dropped by without a
reason. The last few months he has been doing that a lot. Usually we just
watch a movie or talk about all kind of things. Sometimes he talks about
the past, tells me stories about him and Samantha growing up. I tell him
stories about my past. We're telling each other things we never told
before, by everything that has happened, we've become even closer than we
already were. 

He has been more protective of me too. As if he is afraid to lose me also. 
I told him numerous times that he doesn't have to protect me, that I can
protect myself, but it doesn't help. Today he did it again. We were
working on a case and the killer came too close. At least that's what
Mulder's opinion. I could have handled it perfectly on my own, but Mulder
decided I couldn't. Before he could even act, he had already pushed the
killer against the wall and handcuffed him. 

Which was the reason I got angry with him and we got into a fight. We were
in the middle of the fight, and I was yelling that he should stop being so
damn overprotective of me. I didn't think he even realized what he was
yelling himself, until the words had left his mouth and he saw my
reaction.  I believe he was yelling "I don't care what you say, I do not
want you to get hurt or worse! Do you have any idea how I feel, when you
end up in the hospital again, because of one of those stupid cases? No?
Well, you know what, I don't care a damn that you think I'm being
overprotective! I'd rather have you yell at me a thousand times that I'm
too overprotective, than that you would get hurt! And you know why?
Because I wouldn't know what I would do if something happened to you!
Because I love you, because ..."  That was where he stopped ranting,
because I looked at him in shock and asked him "You love me?" I believe
that was when he realized what he had been saying in the heat of the
moment. 

Suddenly the whole fight was forgotten. We were just standing there in
shock, looking at each other, until I told him I loved him too and kissed
him. It took him a moment to recover from that shock, but he found back
his senses soon enough. We didn't care that we were standing in the middle
of a crowdy street, heck we had been yelling at each other there too, so
who cared that we were making up now. Never seen a couple in love kissing
each other folks? Well, too bad, to be quite honest, I didn't really care
at that moment and neither did Mulder. 

It took us a long time to get here, but we were finally able to open up to
each other and tell each other our true feelings. 

20 November 2000

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Breathe Dana, breathe. Sorry, I'm still
kind of in a shock because of what happened tonight. My god, I still can't
believe it, but trust me, I've never been more happy in my whole life. 

Here it comes, Fox Mulder asked me to marry him! Wow, oh wow, I'm going to
get married. To Mulder! He took me out for dinner tonight and suddenly,
when we were dancing on the middle of the dance floor, he stood still and
before I knew it, he was down on his knees, holding up a little box,
asking me to be his! 

I believe I was crying and laughing at the same time, when I told him I
would love to marry him. Mulder pulled me in his embrace and swirled me
around, laughing and crying also. It must have been quite a picture. We
forgot completely that we were in a full restaurant, until we realized
that everybody was cheering and clapping for us. 

Mom is not going to believe this, she's going to be so happy when we tell
her. She has always been telling me that I was in denial, when I told her
I was not in love with Mulder. Just as many times, she tried to convince
me I was. Of course I was, but love can do funny things with somebody. She
didn't even know yet that we were seeing each other, we haven't told
anybody until this moment. 

Going to tell mom will be easy. I hope Skinner won't get an heart attack
when we tell him. It's always hard to tell how he's going to react to
something, but I'm pretty sure he won't be too happy, when he finds out
that Mulder and I got involved and are getting married on top of it. Oh
well, we'll just wait and see. Oh, have to go now, we're going to mom to
tell her! 

25 December 2000

As from today I'm Mrs. Fox Mulder! I still have a hard time to believe it
myself, but it's really true. It has to be, otherwise we wouldn't be
sitting in a plane, on our way to Hawaii, for our honeymoon! I have never
been so happy in my whole life. Meeting Mulder was like finding a piece
that had always been missing. Loving him, has made me complete. 

30 May 2001

I can tell Mulder is worried about me. I can't blame him, I'm even worried
myself. I haven't been feeling too well lately. I don't know what it is. 
At first I thought that it was just a cold or the flu and that it would
pass.  But it's been two weeks now and I'm still not feeling well. Mulder
forced me to go see the doctor and I finally gave in this morning. He is
right. No matter what is wrong with me, I have to find out what it is. I
just pray to God, that my cancer hasn't come back. I don't know what I
will do when it has. It wouldn't be fair, not now that we've found each
other. Don't we deserve to be happy? What have we ever done wrong to
deserve our happiness to be destroyed so soon again? 

31 May 2001

The cancer hasn't come back! I'm not going to die, it's nothing like that
at all. I'm perfectly healthy, it's not even the flu or a cold. The doctor
called this morning, to give me the results of the tests. By the time the
phone rang, I was a nervous wreck. Fox offered to answer it for me, but I
had to do it myself. I never expected to hear what the doctor told me on
the other side of the line. The moment she told me, the world was turning
around and I was feeling a little dizzy. 

It couldn't be. I couldn't believe it was possible and I asked a few times
if it wasn't a mistake. I was shaking and I'm pretty sure all the color
had left my face, by the time I hang up the phone. Poor Fox, he looked so
worried and it took me at least 5 more minutes to regain my ability to
speak. 

After that he lost his ability to speak, when I told him I was not ill,
just pregnant. His jaw dropped and he just stood there looking at me
dumbstruck, until he managed to ask me if I was really sure? I was, I have
no idea how it happened, but I'm pregnant! Wow, I'm so excited and happy.
I've always wanted to have children, with Mulder and I had given up the
hope to ever see it happening, but when I didn't expect it anymore, it did
happen! I can't wait till January (That's when the baby will be born, I'm
about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant now!)! 

15 September 2001

Oh my god, you're not going to believe it. We're not going to have one
baby, but two! Twins! We had an appointment in the hospital this morning,
for an echo. The doctor was looking very intensely at the screen, as if
she was expecting something to happen. I was a little worried that
something was wrong with the baby, but thankfully she quickly reassured
me, that it was nothing like that at all. She was just looking so
intensely, because she wanted to be sure, before she told us. Fox was
overly excited, I've never seen anybody grin so widely. And I'm pretty
sure I was grinning like a fool too. Wow, two babies. 

We went to mom for dinner this afternoon, and she was so happy when we
told her. I know for sure that she's going to spoil those two, from the
moment they're born. I'll probably end up being the one who always has to
tell the children to behave and forbid things. Somehow I don't see my mom
or Fox doing that. 

25 December 2001

It has been a long day, but it was worth every minute of it. Today, at 10
o'clock this night, Lisa and Lyndsey were born. I still can't believe,
that we're really parents now. We weren't expecting them in two weeks, but
obviously they had their own plan worked out. 

We were about to go to mom's house, to celebrate Christmas, when I
realized that we weren't going anywhere, except the hospital. It took a
little longer, for Fox to realize. I told him that it was time to go and
he just looked at me, a questioning look in my eyes. When I informed him
calmly, that the babies were on their way, he got into full speed. 

Hehehe, he told me he wasn't nervous at all, but of course he was a
nervous wreck. He had everything in the car, and was about to drive away,
when he realized he was forgetting me! But we arrived at the hospital
alright and a few hours later they were there. Small, tiny and perfect,
our beautiful daughters ... 

I have to say, it was a little bit painful, but it was worth it. Poor Fox,
I believe I wasn't too friendly at him, but I can blame it to the pain of
course. Him telling me that the pain would go away again, was not the
thing I needed to hear at that moment, so I ehm ... yelled a little, but
for the rest it went alright. Fox tells me they look exactly like me, but
I wonder if you can really tell 1 hour after they are born. We were both
crying, it feels so good to be so happy! 

25 June 2002

6 months have passed already, since Lyndsey and Lisa were born. Six months
of perfect joy and happiness. They are happy little babies, always
laughing and I think Fox might be right, they do look a lot like me. He's
delighted they do and told me he's happy for them, that they don't have
his nose.  Everybody adores them, my mom, Skinner, the Lone Gunmen and of
course Bill can't resist them either, they're just too sweet to resist. 

Fox is still working on the X-files, I will join him again next month. 
Although I will not be doing my job fulltime anymore, I couldn't! It would
be too difficult to say goodbye every morning, even though I know they'll
be perfectly happy and safe with my mother. Sometimes I wonder, if life
will always be as perfect as it is right now, can people always be so
happy?  I don't know, what matters is that we're happy, I think we
shouldn't be questioning our happiness too much, we are happy and why
shouldn't we be? 

18 October 2003

It's over. Our marriage has come to an end. This wasn't supposed to
happen, what has happened with us? The last year, there were more fights,
but we were always able to talk about it and make up. But this time we
didn't.  It hurts to be without him, I still love him so much and I don't
know how I have to live my life without him. Somebody once told me, that
love is something to treasure, because it makes you feel special, loved
and happy.  Love is supposed to make you feel like that, it's not supposed
to hurt.  Why is it than, that right now, I'm hurting? 

We had a huge fight a few months ago, because he was trying to protect me. 
He didn't want me involved in a case, because he thought it was too
dangerous. I disagreed with him, I could have handled it perfectly fine. 
I stormed out of the house, with Lisa in my arms. I expected him to come
after me, but he didn't. He did not come after me that afternoon and he
still hadn't come the morning after that. Why didn't he come? Had our love
meant so little to him? I can't believe that, I do not want to accept it.
What we had was special, it was different. I thought this would never end,
but it did and now I have to move on, alone, together with Lisa. 

I don't know how it happened, but we haven't been able to fix it this
time.  Maybe we have said too many things to hurt each other, maybe this
time we have gone too far to find the way back. I have moved in with my
mother, till the divorce will come through. I can't believe that this is
where we ended.  Lyndsey is with Fox, I miss her too, but we decided to
arrange it like this, because it hurts too much to see each other after
everything that happened. 

It is sad that the fact that he was so overprotective, was the start of
our life together and it was also the end of it. I miss you Fox, I wished
you would come back and I'm afraid to believe that you won't. How am I
supposed to move on, when my heart is still with you? 

25 December 2006

They became 5 today, our daughters. Lisa is so big already, she's happy
and always laughing. She might look like me, but I always laugh, when
people tell me, that she looks like me and has the same character. She
hasn't, she reminds me of her father in everything she does. 

How's Lyndsey doing Fox? Is she just as happy and beautiful as Lisa? I'm
sure she is. Lisa doesn't even know she has a sister, because we couldn't
make it work between us. I'm convinced that Lyndsey is happy and loved.  I
know you adore and love her. I just wish you were here, that we would see
them growing up together. 

You made me laugh, you made me smile. I was happy when I fell asleep in
your arms at night and to wake up to find you there again. I miss you
every day, the pain hasn't become less and I wonder if it ever will be
right again.  If I'll ever be able to love somebody again, I don't think I
will. Maybe some day in the future, I'll meet someone and I might come
close to something like love, but it will never be the same, as it was
with you. 

2 August 2013

Tomorrow I will see you again. 10 long years have passed, since the day we
saw each other for the last time. I saw the Lone Gunmen a few times after
that, but without you it wasn't the same. You moved to England, they told
me. Even further away from us, further away from a chance that we will
ever be together again. I know it's stupid, to still hope we will, even
after 10 years, but I can't help it. 

If it hadn't been for Lisa and Lyndsey, we wouldn't be seeing each other
again tomorrow. Somehow, we managed to send our daughters to the same
summer camp and of course they found out. They decided that they wanted to
meet their other parent and switched. This morning, Lyndsey told me that
she wasn't Lisa, but Lyndsey. I was so happy to have her with me, but I
also know that we have to solve this. Lyndsey said that laws suck, when it
hurts you, when I told her Lisa was legally mine and she was legally
yours.  And I have to agree, she's right. Laws suck, I didn't tell her
that love hurts too. 

6 August 2013

Why didn't we come earlier? What if we would have seen each other only 6
months earlier? When you wouldn't have been engaged to get married to
Phoebe. Would we have a chance then? I've never liked her, but at least
last time I saw her, you weren't in love with her. You were in love with
me.  You told me yourself later. This time she is the person you're in
love with.  It hurts to see the two of you together, knowing that in three
weeks time, you'll be married. Why have you been able to move on and why
can't I? In two days Lisa and I will go home and I do not want to say
goodbye again. 

All I want, is to be with you. In your arms, hearing you whisper that you
love me and to feel as happy as we were all those years ago. But I can't
tell you that, because it's too late. Maybe, we were never meant to be. 

9 August 2013

We didn't go. We didn't take the plane back home yesterday. It was the
moment that we were about to get in the plane, that I realized that I
couldn't let go again. I didn't care any longer, that you were engaged to
somebody else. I had to at least tell you how I felt, I would never have
been able to forgive myself, if I hadn't at least given it a try. I owed
us at least that much. 

And I was wrong, you hadn't moved on, like I thought you had. We walked
back to the departure hall, when I saw you and Lyndsey standing there,
staring at our plane leaving, defeated. At that moment I realized that it
wasn't over.  You looked so sad, until you heard my voice. You turned
around and looked at me in shock, as if I was some ghost. We moved closer,
until we stood in front of each other. Finally able to tell each other we
still love each other. It took us 10 long years to find our way back, but
we've found it and I'm convinced that this time we won't let go of it
anymore. 

The end