From: "Angel vdh" Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 19:08:44 GMT Subject: Distance by Angel Source: direct DISTANCE (1/1) AUTHOR : Angel EMAIL : angelvdh@hotmail.com CLASSIFICATION : MSR, Scully POV ARCHIVE : anywhere, just let me know where it is RATING : nothing too bad, so ... PG SPOILERS : very small ones for Tempus fugit and FTF SUMMARY : When Mulder's away, Scully feels a bit lost. Happy ending though. DISCLAIMER : they're not mine (unfortunately). They belong to CC, 1013 and FOX. AUTHOR'S NOTE : please forgive me if there are mistakes in the text (and I don't doubt there will be), but English is not my mother tongue, so I can't help it. This is also my first attempt at writing fanfic. The idea was in my head and I just had to write it down. Hope you guys like it. FEEDBACK : give it to me baby. I will surely answer you all. Please be gentle anyway... OK, here we go.... Distance by Angel I miss him. Though I'm holding him right now, I already miss him. Fox Mulder is leaving me. No ditching this time, but reallyleaving. I promised myself not to cry, but he already saw I'm near to tears, because he tightens our embrace and sighs. I want to tell him so much, I want to beg him to stay, but I'm silence itself. I say nothing at all. Suddenly he steps backward and looks at me. I try to smile, but I forgot how to do it. I wonder who would smile if the most important person in his life is leaving in a couple of minutes. Who knows when I'm ever going to see him again. Damn all the people who have been trying to rip us apart in the last few years. I hate them for taking Mulder away from me. And damn me for not saying the words I've been so desperately hiding from him. But I can't tell him. It will only make things more complicated. Pain strikes me in the heart as he eases his grip on me. But his eyes never leave me. They search mine and I can see anger in them. Anger and despair. I see the rumourous crowd walking past us, but I don't hear it. Right now, I can only hear the beating of my own heart. I wonder if he knows it's only beating for him. Probably not. He tries to figure out what I'm thinking and he's about to ask, but he's interrupted. His plane is going to take off. He smiles weakly and takes my hand in his. I look at our entwined fingers, but my eyes drift back to his. I wait for him to speak. I feel his finger tracing a path along my jawbone to end up under my chin. " I'll call you ", he whispers. I can only nod. And then he's gone. The empty feeling in my heart returns. I am alone in the world. Off course there's still my mother, but without Mulder I am lost. And all I did was nod. I enter my apartment, toss my keys on the table and sink down in the couch. I am still angry at myself ... and him. I know he didn't want to go, but no one left him an other choice. It was either a transfer or leaving the Bureau. He told me he could deal with a resignation, but I was the one to convince him he couldn't give up on everything he worked so hard for. He still needed to find the truth about Samantha. So he chose the transfer. What else could I do ? Seeing him leave broke my heart, but I didn't want to be the one to hold him back from finding the answers. I know how important they are to him. They always have been. I stand up and walk over to the window. I can see it's raining outside. No, not raining, it's pouring water. The perfect weather for lonely people like me. A familiar sound enters my thoughts. I've never been so hurried to pick up the phone. " Scully. " My face darkens when I hear it's not him. Furiously I just stand there for a couple of minutes, letting my anger float away. Why hasn't he called me yet ? I have to be reasonable. He's probably still on the plane. But he has a cell-phone, hasn't he ? I sigh. I must look really tired. I'm heading to the shower as the phone rings again, so I turn back. My heart leaps. It's him. " Hey you ! " he says. " Hey, where are you ? " " I'm still on the plane." I thank God for whoever invented cell-phones. For the next few minutes, he doesn't speak. Neither do I. All I can hear is his breath. But then I hear his voice again. " So... eh... how are things going back there in Washington ? " I know he doesn't know what to say. One moment, I consider telling him I miss him terribly, that I want him to come home, to me, but I only say : " Fine ! ". It only takes me a second to realize what this must have sounded like, so I quickly try to correct myself." I mean... it would have been better if you had been here too, but... " He cuts me off mid-sentence. " Scully, I miss you. " My heart leaps for the second time. I can't seem to find the right words to answer him. He noticed the silence. " Scully ? ", he asks. I can hear the worry in his voice. Finally I figure out how to pronounce these five little words I've been wanting to say. " I miss you too, Mulder. " Tears come to my eyes again, but I force them to stay away. I can't cry. I promised myself not to. He clears his throat. " Look, Scully, I have to go now, but as soon as I'm in my apartment, I'll call you again, okay ? " I hate to say okay, because I know I'm going to miss his voice in a second, but I do it anyway. A click and he's gone. Again. I take that shower and crawl into bed. But like I thought, I can't sleep. I think of him. I threatened to leave him once. I remember the way he stared at me the moment I told him. His eyes filled with fear. Fear of losing me. Begging me to stay. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he told me he couldn't do whatever we did together for the last six years, without me. That look showed he spoke the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The hallway. Time stopped when I felt his arms tighten around me. His hand on the back of my neck. I decide to break my promise as another tear finds its way back to my eyes. I cry. For him. And for me. Why shouldn't I anyway ? Isn't it normal that when you work so closely with someone for more than six years, you cry when he decides to leave ? But it's not only that leaving thing I cry for. I also cry because I love him. Yes indeed, I love him. And not only him. I love his eyes, his jokes, his smiles, his hand on my back whenever we entered or left a place. I just love everything about him. And I don't think I'll ever stop doing that. But that's not the big problem. The problem is that I don't have the guts to tell him. Because of how he might react. Because I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way. Because if he truly loved me, he would have stayed. But it's then I realize I'm being selfish again. How can I possibly think he would prefer me to his sister. At least he already said he missed me. Now there are only three more words left unspoken. Sleep just doesn't come. It's only a matter of time before I'm wrestling with the sheets. I sigh and get up again. I turn on the tv, although I'm not sure what I'm actually watching. My thoughts are far, far away. With him. I wonder what he's doing right now. Something tells me I need to learn to deal with it, but I'm not sure I can. Not yet anyway. It's been three days since I heard from Mulder. He's gone for almost two weeks now. Three days since he called. Oh my God, I miss this man. Last week he called me everyday. The only thing to look forward to after a long day at work. Not the X-files. They've been closed again. I'm working for the criminal section now. But anyway, the last time he called he told me something disturbing. He has a new partner. A female partner. A women called ... what was her name again ? See, I didn't even listen, because I was too overwhelmed with jealousy. And now he hasn't called for three long terrible, lonely days. Which means I haven't heard from him since 259200 seconds. It's too long. I'm getting jealous all over again. I bet he's already fallen in love with her and completely forgot about me. I always feared that would happen. I couldn't have wished myself a better birthday present. Yes, it's my birthday tomorrow. And I'm gonna have to celebrate it alone. I don't doubt my mother will stop by, but it's not the same. He won't be here. Suddenly I remember the keychain he gave my two years ago. I start wondering why I put it away. I search all my drawers and when I've finally found it, flashes of that moment pass by. I switch my other keychain with this one, so that everytime I open my door, I'll think of him. I realize that those six years together were the best gift I've ever been given.. It's the 24th of February, 9 pm. Another three hours and my birthday will be over. And he hasn't even called me yet. My mom stopped by, like I said, but that's all. I still hope the phone will ring and I'll hear his voice again. 10 pm. 11 pm. 11.30. Nothing. My sighing ability has increased a lot lately. I finally decide to put on my pyjamas. I lie in bed, maybe fifteen minutes, as I hear a silent knock on the door. I jump out of bed, but I don't have any idea of who it could be. The only one who would ever wake me is Mulder, but then I remember he's far away from me. Too far, for all I know. By thinking of all that, I forget to look through the peep-hole and I swing the door open. The world stops turning and my mouth drops open. My one true love is standing right in front of me. I am totally speechless. " Hey Scully, " he says, "I hope I'm not to late to... " He looks at his watch. 11.56 pm. "to congratulate you." He smiles as he moves a big bunch of red roses - 35, like my age, to be precisely- in my direction. Still unable to speak, I try to take the flowers when he grabs my hand. " Happy birthday, Scully ", he whispers softly. Finally I find the strength to move aside and let him in. The door closes behind us with a soft click. He just stands there, looking at me. I look at the flowers and I feel tears coming again. Only now it's from happiness. " Mulder, I... I don't know... they're beautiful... " From the moment the roses leave my hands - I just have the time to put them on the table - he grabs my wrists and pulls me in the tightest embrace I've ever been in. One of his hands gets tangled in my hair while the other one is gently rubbing my back. I relax. And then he says it again. Although I already heard it once, it still shocks me a little. I'm just not used to it. " I've missed you, Scully. " His words are barely audible, maybe it has to do with the fact that he murmurs them in my hair, but I know exactly what he has said. Now it's my turn to smile. I still can't believe he's actually here. And, before you start wondering, I've missed him too, and that's exactly what I say to him for the second time now, and for some strange reason it seems to me it's the easiest sentence I've ever said. I immediately miss his arms around me when he goes to the couch, but he grabs my hands again and takes me with him. And there we are, sitting closely next to each other, not exactly knowing what to say. So there's an awkward moment of silence again. But then he starts to speak. " Scully, I have to tell you something. " There it comes. I'm all nervous again. I'm afraid I'm not going to like what he's about to say. And then his words rush over me. I only hear something like " Quit...FBI...stay...you...miss... " I hold up my hand as a sign to stop him. " You quit ? " I ask incredulously. He nods. " Why ? " He shrugs his shoulders. " Because I couln't stay there without you, Scully. That new partner I got ? She 's the most terrible person I have ever met. I thought I would have become crazy if I spent another minute with her. And I guess your birthday was a good excuse to get away. Whenever I saw her, I missed you more and more. I just couldn't handle it anymore, so I quit. " He looks at me, waiting for my reply. I just can't believe this. This must be a dream. Not that quitting the FBI, but the partner thing. He didn't even like her at all. " But Mulder, you quit. I mean... how are you ever going to find the... " He silences me by putting his finger on my lips. I shiver under his gentle touch. " It doesn't matter, Scully. Nothing really matters to me right now, just you. Us. " I really get convinced this is a dream. A good one though. His eyes are sparkling. Those hazel eyes are paralysing me. But not for long. I practically assault him. My lips are on his in less than a second, but he doesn't fight my urge. He kisses me back with such a passion it's almost surreal. He pulls me so close it almost hurts, but still I like it. How can I not ? This is everything I've ever dreamed of. Seems I'm in a reckless mood, so why should I stop ? I clung on to him like I never want to let him go, and before I know it, I'm whispering 'I love you' between kisses. He suddenly tears his lips from mine, but instead he gives me one of his Mulder-smiles, the ones I'm addicted to. " You would think it's impossible ", he says, " but I love you even more. " His tongue plunges into my mouth again and only lack of oxygen can make us stop. " Hey ", he asks, " I was wondering : can I make love to you now ? " I smile and cry at the same time. And I nod. All I did was simply nod. END