From lone_jaguar@geocities.com Thu Dec 12 22:14:47 1996 ------------------------ Distractions and Detractions (1/1) DISCLAIMER: All right. I know we all hate to do it, but . . . All characters (Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Walter Skinner) except the guy retiring and the woman Mulder tries to pick up, are property of Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and Twentieth Century Fox Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended. Really. I'm serious. But even if there was infringement intended, do you really think I'd tell you? COMMENTS: Oooookaaaaaayyy. This story was spawned out of seeing ID4 for the second time, talking to a friend of mine, three cups of coffee, and having "Food For Thought" by Kathleen Lietz running around in my head. Oh yeah, and there was chocolate involved. I shouldn't need to explain any more. I was pretty wired. Really, *really* wired. *So*, out comes this, the fastest story I have ever written. One day. Also, there are items of food which I used in reference to other television shows. You may not get them unless you watched the shows, but I'll tell you them anyway. Cheesecake--The Golden Girls Cherry Pie--Twin Peaks Flan--Friends Chocolate-Covered Strawberries-- Not from a show. They're from a previous story of mine "A Day in The Life of Mulder And Scully". This story, because of the situation I was in when I started it, is meant *only* to be humourous. That's it. All comments and flames are welcome. Though, I should add, the flames will be used for various things. Warm my house, roast weenies, toast marshmallows (even if I don't like them that much) and well . . . amuse me because I love fire. : ) Oh! And before I forget: Death to Ratboy!!! >: ) And on with the story! Distractions and Detractions By: Nicole 'The Warfarine Dealer' van Dam (I know what you're thinking, and no, there's no relation : ( ) lone_jaguar@geocities.com WASHINGTON D.C. SUMMER "This is so boring." Mulder sat next to his partner in the large banquet hall. The two agents had been invited to a retirement dinner for one of the senior executives in the Field Division Office. The man of the hour was standing at the podium located in the centre of the stage, flanked by two long tables filled with other high-ranking executives including their boss, the Assistant Director. "I don't even know why we were invited," Mulder leaned closer to her. "Shh," Scully hushed him. "I'm trying to listen." "You're kidding me. You're actually listening to this long-winded speech?" Scully didn't take her eyes off the retiring executive when she responded. "Would you shut up?" Mulder was taken aback. Before he could give her a quick witted response, the waiter came by, placing the first course on each guest's plate. It consisted of a steaming bowl of vichy soisse. Mulder looked down at it. "Very posh," he whispered to Scully. She turned her head, very slowly, and gave him a glare that could have probably melted steel. Mulder stared back; a flash of fear washing over him. After recovering, he responded with a wide grin. Scully rolled her eyes and returned to the speaker. Mulder sighed, looking around the table, trying to find something that would occupy him for the duration of the speech. He spied his glass of white wine and smiled. Perfect. Now he could keep himself busy and get a shot at annoying Scully. Things could not get any better. He reached for his glass and, after moving the soup bowl aside, set it down in front of him. After a quick check around the hall, he dipped his finger in the liquid, and began to run it around the edge of the glass. It made a quiet humming noise; only audible to those in close proximity. He rested his chin in his palm and continued. Scully frowned. She glanced in Mulder's direction and rolled her eyes again. she thought. She reached her hand over to him and placed it over his. He looked up to her and smiled. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Is that bothering you?" He continued the circling of his finger. She narrowed her eyes at him. She hated not being able to do anything to retaliate. She was not going to let herself be humiliated. "Mulder," she warned in a low voice. "If you don't stop that, I'm going to personally remove that finger and every other one with this butter knife." She took the knife located beside her plate in her hand. He leaned in closer to her. "Y'know Scully," he said. "It almost sounds like you're threatening me." Her teeth clenched. she thought. She returned her gaze to the executive at the front. He was a different speaker; a friend or colleague. Mulder kept running his finger over the glass. She felt like she was going to explode if he didn't stop. Suddenly, an idea came to her. She didn't have two brothers and not come away without learning a few annoying things. Trying her best to be discreet, Scully placed her elbow on the table. She continued to watch the new speaker; she didn't want Mulder suspecting anything, and put just the tip of her finger in her mouth. Then very, very slowly, she took her finger out of her mouth and stuck it in Mulder's ear. "Hey!" he said, bringing a palm to his ear. He had spoken a little louder than he wanted to. A couple other agents turned to see what the protest was about. Scully had long since removed her finger, returning it to the table. She looked at him, annoyed. "Mulder," she whispered. "Do you think you could be a little quieter?" She motioned to the man on the stage. "I'm trying to listen here." he thought. x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x A few minutes later, the speeches had finally come to a close and everyone was working on the first course of the meal. Mulder spooned it into his mouth; silently plotting revenge. Scully was quite pleased with herself. Mulder hadn't said a thing to her since the 'Wet Willie' incident. She was now making pleasant conversation with the people around their table. Mulder chose this as the perfect time for his attack. He silently reached under the table and placed his hand on his partner's thigh. He watched her out of the corner of his eye; waiting for the reaction. Scully shifted slightly; surprised at the sudden intimate touch, but she didn't move enough for those whom she was talking to would notice anything was up. She swallowed. She was determined not to let him get her, so she continued her conversation. he thought. After a moment's thought, he grinned evilly. He slowly started to move his hand upwards. When he got about three inches up, he felt something against his thigh; rather close to a vital organ. He looked at Scully's place setting and noticed the steak knife had gone missing. His partner politely excused herself from the conversation and turned to him. "Can I help you Agent Mulder?" she asked. He extracted his hand from her thigh and shook his head. "No," he replied. "No, I'm okay." And dove back into his meal. Scully smiled victory and replaced the knife deftly without anyone noticing. x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x The main course arrived: A healthy helping of chicken with a side of steamed vegetables and new potatoes. The guests dove into the dish. Both Mulder and Scully were quiet; neither speaking to each other, or anyone else. Every once and a while, Mulder would glare over at Scully. She ruined a beautiful plan. he thought. He looked her over, trying to find something he could manipulate. He found it. A small gap between the opening of her blouse and her body. he boasted to himself. After a half hour, Scully was beginning to worry. She wasn't sure if he was plotting something, or just being his anti-social self. There was a voice over the microphone saying that the dessert tray was ready and that if people wanted to, they could go up and help themselves. Mulder noticed that almost all the people from his and Scully's table were beginning to stand. Mulder looked around the table, trying to find some kind of inspiration. So far, Scully had thwarted all his attempts at anything. He knew that she wouldn't do anything that would bring attention to herself and Mulder was going to use that against her. After noticing a couple of the people from their table returning, Mulder reached for his glass of ice water. He took a sip, taking an ice cube into his mouth. Being very careful not to let Scully realize what he was doing, he spit out the ice cube and kept it in his hand until the three other agents from their table returned. They were talking amongst themselves; conversing with another agent from a different table. Mulder waited patiently until they were just about to sit down. Before they did, he reached over to his partner and slipped the ice cube down the gap between he blouse and her. Scully only spotted him too late. She took in a sharp breath; reacting to the chill of the ice cube. Her mouth hung open; she couldn't believe he just did that. she said to herself. Just her luck; it was caught in her bra, making a constant contact with her chest and the ice. She couldn't do anything. She was going to have to leave it there until she could leave. And Mulder knew that too. She glared swiftly at him, who was grinning like the proverbial cat who ate the canary. "Is there something wrong Scully?" he asked. The other agents now watched them. She gritted her teeth. "No, I'm fine." When the agents across from them began talking again, Scully leaned closer to Mulder. "You will pay dearly," she threatened him. "Very, very dearly." x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x Scully returned to the table after excusing herself finally from the table to extract the ice cube from her bra. It was such a relief. She was sure that there was a visible black cloud over her head. The table was almost empty; most of the agents having wandered off to talk to other friends. Mulder wasn't even there. A quick scan of the hall found him talking--most likely picking up--a tall female agent by the dessert tray. An amazing idea flashed through her mind. A sly smile creeping onto her face. "That's very interesting," the female agent replied. "I didn't know that." "It's true," Mulder assured her. He was getting on pretty well with this woman. His first in a long time. "I actually read the other day--" "Mulder," a familiar voice called. Mulder turned to see Scully running up to him. "What is it Scully?" he asked suspiciously. There was no telling what she had up her sleeve. Scully smiled briefly at the woman, then turned back to Mulder. "Agent Moore says that he can dance with you now." Mulder frowned. "What?" "Agent Moore," she repeated. "You know, Jason. Tall, dark. Very handsome." She nudged Mulder. "He said you asked him to dance, but he couldn't. Well, now he can so here's your chance." She winked at him. "Go get him Tiger." The woman next to Mulder suddenly felt very uneasy. "Uhh, I can tell this won't work out agent Mulder," she told him, backing away. "Sorry." Mulder watched the extremely beautiful woman, who he could've had on his arm by now, practically run away. He glared down at Scully. "Scully, what the hell are you doing?" She smiled slyly. "Payback's a bitch ain't it?" With a laugh, she turned to head back to their table. Mulder took a deep breath. He looked behind him at the dessert tray. Scanning the tray one last time, Mulder decided he'd like . . . the chocolate cake. He grabbed a piece and tapped his partner's shoulder. "Scully?" "Yeah?" She turned just in time to see Mulder smear the cake in her face. A few other agents around them laughed. She took in a deep breath. she told herself. She brought a hand to her face, wiping the icing off. She brought it down, looking at her palm wistfully. After one look to Mulder, she wiped her hand off on his face; streaking his cheek with icing. Mulder was trying not to let this get to him, but it was too late. He glanced at the dessert tray, looking for other ammunition. He spotted a very nice looking piece of cheesecake sitting all by itself and took it in his hand. He nonchalantly took a small bite. "Mmm, hey Scully, this is pretty good." His partner watched him as he extended his arm. "Would you like some?" "No, thanks," she replied slowly. She knew what he was up to. Mulder started to walk toward her. "Oh, come on. I think you'd really like it." Scully backed up, trying to find somewhere to hide. Once she close enough, she dashed off to a table and grabbed an empty plate off it She held it up to her face, using it as a makeshift shield. The cheesecake hit the plate with a splat and slid off the china. Scully lowered the shield and looked at Mulder with a sly smile. "Damn!" Mulder exclaimed, turning back to the dessert tray. Scully looked over at the same table where she got her shield and snatched a not-so-empty plate off it. She turned to her unsuspecting partner. Mulder was searching for another item of food to throw, when he felt something hit him in the back of the head. He stood up straight, a frown on his face, feeling the point of impact. He looked at the object on the floor, then to his partner who stood, the plate still in her hand. he said to himself. His eyes widened and ducked in just enough time to see a potato fly over his head. He turned back to the tray; determination lining his face. he thought. He grabbed the large ladle from the pudding bowl, making sure it held a healthy portion of the dessert. He looked over at Scully, who was searching the table for more ammo. He wound back his arm, being sure to spill as little of the pudding as possible. "Hey Scully!" he called. Scully looked up from the table just in time to see the flying pudding heading for her. Her hands flew up instinctively, covering her only partially from the onslaught. Mulder laughed as she looked at her hands which were covered in the dessert. She shook them toward the floor, knocking off any excess pudding. Searching frantically around her for anything she might use as a retaliation, she found another dessert tray. It was right beside her. Strategy taking her over, Scully grabbed the nearest table, tipping it over to use as a makeshift fort. She winced at the sound of shattering plates and glass. Two agents watched her as she left them without a table or a dinner. Scully then grabbed the dessert tray, and pulled it over to her fort. Mulder watched her and suddenly realized he had no cover whatsoever. Mimicking Scully, Mulder tipped his own table and yanked the tray nearest him over behind the table. He was looking over at his tray deciding what he wanted to use first, when he felt something hit him in the side of the face. He removed as much of the stuff off his face and concluded that it was Black Forest Cake. Acting on impulse, Mulder grabbed a handful of fruit salad and hurled it at Scully. His partner looked up in time to see the fruit flying toward her. Her eyes widened and she ducked behind her table. Pieces of pear, grapes and cherries hit the surface with a splat. Scully chuckled and rose from her spot to meet up with a projectile resembling a piece of lemon meringue pie. It hit her square in the face and she fell backwards behind her table. She brought a hand to her face and removed the whipped cream. she thought. Scully reached for a piece of cherry pie and held it as if it was a grenade. Sensing the coast was clear, she hurled the pie at Mulder. "Eat this G-Man!!" Mulder looked up from arranging a pile of chocolate-covered strawberries to see the deadly cherry-filled pastry heading for him. It hit him perfectly; covering his entire face. He licked some of the filling from his lip as he looked over the table. Scully cheered victory. Not wanting her to be in the lime-light too long, Mulder reached down and retrieved a handful of chocolate mousse. Once she was about to face him, he launched the dessert in her direction. Scully caught sight of him out of the corner of her eye and before the mousse could hit her, she ducked. The after dinner treat ended up hitting the wall. Scully looked at Mulder and laughed. "You'll have to do better than that Stick Boy," she called to him. Mulder spotted two last pieces of blueberry flan beside his knee. He smiled wickedly. He picked them both up; one in each hand. "Okay Shorty," he called back. "How 'bout this?" His left arm wound back and threw the piece of flan to his partner. Scully ducked effortlessly and laughed. "Was that it?" she asked. She rose up from behind the table. "No," Mulder told her after hurling the second piece. Scully's eyes widened, but she didn't duck fast enough to avoid the second portion of sponge tart. The blueberries scattered everywhere. Scully gathered an armload of truffles and started to throw them at Mulder one after the other. Mulder grabbed his pile of chocolate-covered strawberries and began to do the same. ===================== End of Part One.... From lone_jaguar@geocities.com Thu Dec 12 22:15:01 1996 ------------------------ Distractions and Detractions (2/2) Disclaimers are in Part One The executives finally became aware of what was going on. The two warring agents were located in the far corner of the hall; well hidden by the rest of the tables. But now, there was a small crowd that had gathered. "What the hell's going on?" one exec. asked. He turned to the balding man beside him. "Those are your people aren't they Skinner?" Skinner narrowed his eyes. "Yes," he answered reluctantly. "I'll deal with it." "Hah!" Mulder yelled. "Gotcha!" Scully had run out of her ammunition, leaving Mulder with the opportunity to continue his onslaught without any defense from her. And he did. Scully hid behind her table, looking for anything else she could use. Then she spotted it. After a quick look to see what Mulder's position was, Scully crawled over to the small bowl containing a helping of custard. She grabbed it and brought it back to her refuge. Her hand emptied the small dish and she leaned back against the table; waiting for the perfect moment to assault her partner with the new found ammo. She could still see strawberries flying over and around her. They never stopped. she told herself. Mulder wondered. He threw his last berry. While he searched for something else to throw, Scully popped up from her hiding place. Mulder looked up at her just as she launched the handful of custard. He ducked deftly behind his table. The custard sailed safely over him. He laughed. "Nice try Scully," he told her. His smile disappeared when he saw the look on her face. Despite all the dessert remnants, he could tell that it had almost gone completely white. Her eyes were wide with fear. "Scully?" he asked. She swallowed hard. Mulder frowned and turned around very slowly. There, standing behind him, he saw a very angered, very steamed, and very red Assistant Director; despite the pale coloured custard that covered his face. He wiped the dessert off his face with a provided towel and tried his best to remain cool. "Agent Scully, Agent Mulder," he said in a stifled voice. "I'd like to see you in my office." The two agents remained where they were; not quite sure what they should do. "Now." Reluctantly, Mulder and Scully stood from their places. Mulder had trouble not smiling at Scully's appearance. The navy jacket she had on at the beginning of the night was now more like navy with multi-coloured stripes and spots. Her face was decorated with streaks of whipped cream, pudding and anything else she came in contact with. They looked like war paint. Mulder's appearance wasn't that far off from Scully's except he was wearing a dark grey suit and war stripes from things like Black Forest Cake and cherry pie. Pushing the dessert tray aside, Mulder almost fell after slipping on the remains of the cherry pie on his way to join Scully. The rest of the agents and executives were silent. Some chuckling and whispering between themselves. Skinner surveyed the damage and shook his head. If it wasn't against the law, he'd kill those two. "The matter will be dealt with," he told the onlookers. "Continue about your business." x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x "Good job Scully," Mulder mumbled at her. They were standing in the middle of Skinner's office waiting for him to arrive. They didn't want to sit on anything in fear they may ruin something else. Scully looked at him with wide eyes. "What?" she asked. He motioned around them. "Landing us in here." "It wasn't my fault," she cried indignantly. "You are the one who hit Skinner." "I wouldn't have if you hadn't ducked," she pointed out. "You expect me just to let something hit me in the face?" "Yes." Mulder chuckled. "That's a good one Scully." "Besides, you're the one who started it." Mulder laughed incredulously. "Hey, you provoked me." "I did n--" She stopped at her words and the look Mulder gave her. "Okay, okay. So I did kind of provoke you," she admitted. "But all in all, it was your fault." "What?" "If you had shut up when I told you to, none of this would have happened." Mulder looked down at her. Her eyebrows raised to make her point. He couldn't help it. The streaks on her face and jacket were just too much. Mulder burst out laughing, followed closely by Scully. "Well you have to admit," Mulder said when he controlled himself somewhat. "It was pretty fun." Scully smiled at him. "Yeah," she said. "It was. I've haven't done anything like that since medical school. And this one was a lot cleaner." Mulder raised an eye brow at her. "I don't think I've heard that story." "And you won't," she told him. Mulder pretended to look hurt. "That won't work Mulder." She looked away before she could give in. The two agents straightened suddenly at the sound of Skinner entering his office. He stopped briefly at the sight two paces in, then continued to his desk. He threw the towel he held on a chair. "Have a seat you two," he told them. Mulder and Scully exchanged unsure glances. "Uh, are you sure sir?" Mulder asked quietly. Skinner looked up at the two of them; contemplating the value of his chairs. "No," he said finally. "Stay standing, this won't take long." The office was silent. Skinner took a deep breath. "Just what in the hell did you think you two were doing?" Scully swallowed. "We were having a uh . . . a food fight sir." "A food fight," Skinner repeated. "Of course. And just why were you having this food fight?" "Uh, Scully and I were having an argument," Mulder offered. "An argument?" Skinner asked. "And just why did you have to use food to justify your points?" Neither agent had an answer. "Well, just for the record, I'd like you to know that you successfully destroyed twenty china plates, eighteen crystal glasses, two hundred and eighty-two dollars worth of food and a four hundred and fifty dollar portrait of President Nixon. Not to mention the retirement dinner." Scully visibly winced. "We're sorry sir," she said. "I would think so," Skinner told her. "Since these payments are coming out of your salaries." "Well, who ever liked Nixon?" Mulder asked. "That's not the point Mulder," Skinner said. He was quiet for a moment. "That's all. Thank you." Mulder and Scully remained in their positions for a few moments before turning to leave. Scully took the doorknob and began to shut the door quietly. "Oh, and agent Scully," Skinner called. She poked her head around the door. "Yes sir?" "Nice shot." x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x]x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x[x "Well," Mulder said as the two of them walked through the halls to the parking lot. He watched a group of agents watch them; whispering to each other. "I'll say we're the talk of the building." "Mulder," Scully said with a half smile. "We're always the talk of the building." "You always ruin my fun Scully," Mulder said, nudging into her. "Unless I'm a part of it," she defended. Mulder stopped and looked at her with raised eyebrows. She smiled up at him. If only she had a camera. She could identify at least three different desserts on his face. And that was his face. Scully suddenly lifted her hand and wiped some of the leftover cherry pie filling from just underneath his chin with her index finger. She stuck it in her mouth. Mulder looked at her with a surprised smile. "What?" she asked innocently, the finger still in her mouth. "I didn't get any of it," she explained. "I threw it at you, remember?" He smiled. "In that case . . ." Mulder took his finger and trailed it up her neck to the corner of her mouth where he lifted it. He wasn't quite sure what he was aiming to get, but he didn't care. With a small smile, he put the finger in his mouth. "I didn't get any of this either." Scully took in a deep breath and exhaled. They stared at each other for a minute. Finally, Scully spoke. She cleared her throat and smiled. "How 'bout we go out and 'paint the town red'?" she asked. "As much as I'd like to Scully," Mulder replied. "I'm supposed to appear in the Lone Gunmen's chat room tonight." "Oh, so the Gunmen are good enough to run home to so you can further spread paranoia throughout the country, but I'm not good enough to go out with for a few hours?" Mulder chuckled and shook his head. He linked his arm with hers. "Scully, you look good enough to eat." THE END ~I hope no one minds the innuendo : ) Bah-hahahaha!!! Heeheeheehee! oh, sorry Silly, silly me. Damn, damn, *damn* my dirty mind! : ) "The other day I had a ricochet biscuit. A ricochet biscuit is the kind of a biscuit, that's supposed to bounce back off the wall, into your mouth. If it don't bounce back . . . You go hungry." Elwood Blues--"Rubber Biscuit" (Maybe they should have used those : ))