From: Eve2317616@aol.com
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 17:21:15 EST
Subject: Fanfiction, Do Over

Title: Do Over
Author: Stephanie aka Eve2317616
Spoilers: None, unless you count all the episodes that Scully has cancer,
which I don't.
Disclaimer: Not mine, yadda yadda. They belong to a bunch of other people,
namely Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox. PLEASE DON'T SUE!! This isn't
for profit or anything, just for pleasure.
Feedback: YES YES YES! I love feedback!
Summary: This is mostly just Scully's thoughts about her cancer (which she
obviously has in this piece) and Mulder. Shippy.
Archive: Sure, fine, whatever. Just tell me please, and where to.


Do you ever just lie in bed, knowing you should sleep? Knowing that you have 
work in the morning? But you just lie there, thoughts and ideas trampling 
through your mind. Somehow that has been happening to me more and more. I've 
turned into a regular insomniac. Because thoughts that burn the fringes of my 
heart have come to me. Thoughts of love, life...and death.

Knowing that death is so close. Sensing it every day and night; that can
torment a somebody until they go crazy. Unless they face it. As I've
desperately been trying to do.

Coming to terms with it isn't easy. My own body has turned against me. The
ultimate betrayal. I've been hurt in my life, more than I care to admit.
Little things now break my heart; things I see everyday. I know now that
it may be my last day seeing them, so I hold them sacred within me.

A child laughing, a couple bickering. These small treasures that I shall
never be able to see or hear without contemplating it. Knowing I will
never be a part of it, only looking in.

A child will never be mine. I will never have someone to love.

Love. It's such a strong word. Yet so small and simple. If you love
someone you know it. There is no question about it. Or is there? I found
someone to love, but not in a conventional sense. I've never told him,
probably never will. We've never kissed. But words are cheap, and you
can't always believe what you see, or as your physical body feels as the
case may be. Only the feeling behind it, inside you, only that matters. A
smile, a look that can be as soothing as a caress. A picture IS worth a
thousand words, and if I had a camera whenever I was with him I would have
hundreds of dictionaries, each one overflowing with emotion.  Love. And
even hatred.

Funny how those two things go together. I'm not saying you hate the one
you love, although sometimes it may be true. No, more likely you'll hate
yourself. Hate yourself for feeling the way you do. For your heart that's
breaking over what it can't have.

But I'd be lying if I said I never hated him. For him my hatred is so deep
it turns my soul black. I'm a steadfast believer you can't hate until
you've loved. And every single day I hate the one I love. I want to cry
out, throw a tantrum and shed tears of fury until he understands.

There are no do-overs in life. If he loves me, then he better say
something. I can't live every day torturing myself with the idea of his
love. I want it, I need it, now...Before it's too late.