From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Tue, 26 Dec 2000 13:02:21 -0600
Subject: Don\'t Look At The Light by Nancy E. Kelly
Source: direct

Reply To: TheBratt72@hotmail.com


Title: Don't Look At The Light 
Author: Nancy E. Kelly 
Email: TheBratt72@hotmail.com 
Spoilers: Tithonius, One Breath, Cancer Arc 
Rating: PG 
Category: Angst, UST, Hint of MSR 
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, sure wish I did!
www.homestead.com/Nancysfanfiction/Front.html
Summary: Scully fights her way away from the light and back to Mulder 
* * * 
Oh God, how it hurt. Never in her life had she ever experienced such pain. Not even when she fought her cancer or any other injury, had the pain been as severe as it was now. She could feel the bullet in her stomach. She could feel the rips and tears, and the blood as it poured from her body. She felt her lips go dry, her mouth go dry, her eyelids wanting to shut to thier own accord. 
She fought through the haze the world around her begin to go dark. She had to stay awake. She just had to stay awake. If she only stayed awake she'd be safe: alive. 
She couldn't believe Agent Ritter shot her. She couldn't believe how badly the pain was, how her insides screamed in pain. But she had no voice, the strength seeping from her just as the blood was seeping from her body. 
She found herself thinking of her mother, of how wonderfull she was when she raised her. She thought of how Maggie scolded her when she had done wrong, and hugged her when she was scared or crying. She thought of how her mother treated her now, as "her little girl". Still. 
She thought of everyone in her family, of Bill and Charlie. She hadn't seen Charlie in years. She wondered if she would see him again, and regretted not spending time with him. She thought of how Bill was a jerk at times, but was such a wonderfull older brother to her. He was just protective. How would they take her death? Not after her father, not after Melissa. She couldn't die, not another death. 
And then she thought of him. Of Mulder. 'Oh God, Mulder, where are you?' 
She didn't even get a chance to say good-bye. He would not take it easily if she died. He would blame himself, she knew. And she knew that he loved her, just as she loved him. Why didnt' she tell him? Why did she dance around these feelings she had for him for all these years? Why wasn't he with her right now? 
She'd give anything to have him hold her right now. The pain so severe. She was sure that he would cradle her against him as she fought of the pain and the darkness. She was sure he would hold her close and place his hand, gentle, but firm over her gun shot wound. He would have never left her here alone to die, as she was now. 
As she tried to continue thinking, continued to battle to stay awake, the pain and the fear and the exhaustion, beat out all of her strength, and she had no other choice but to close her eyes. 
'Oh Mulder, please forgive me'....... 
* * * * 
Darkness, was what she saw first. She could tell she was standing. She could feel it. But the place wasn't familiar. It was strange. Different. But it was peacefull. She wasn't sure what she was doing here, all she knew was that she was confused. Was she in a room? 
Then off in the corner she saw a small white light. It appeared to be a star at first, but the more she watched it, it slowly got bigger, shining brighter and more peacefull the closer it came.It was then though, that she realized she wasn't walking, she was floating. 
Had she died? 
As the light got brighter and much closer she sheilded her eyes from the brightness. She felt part of herself wanting to run towards it, to run faster than she ever had in her life. The light called to her, it held promises of many things. She would have no more pain beyond that light, no more worries, no more sorrow. She would have only happiness, and love for eternity. 
But for a brief moment, she turned and looked in the opposite direction. What she saw, shattered her heart. What she saw stunned her. 
She saw herself lying in a hospital bed: tube, wires, IV's everywhere, just as when she was returned from Dwayne Barry. Only this time, she saw him. Mulder. 
He was holding her hand as he sat in a chair next to her bed. She could see him crying, kissing her hand, touching her hair. As tears filled her eyes and she watched him longer, she began to hear his voice. That soothing Mulder voice she had come to love and become accustomed to. 
"Don't you dare die on me," she had heard him say through tears of a dying man, "Do you hear me Dana! Don't die on me...please don't leave me here. Please....come on Scully, I love you so much, don't you dare die on me now." 
She looked back towards the tunnel, still calling her, the light still there. 
She looked back towards Mulder, still calling her, still crying out to her, to live, to survive. To stay with him. 
Then she turned back towards the light, so peacefull, so calming, so promising. 
She knew what she had to do..... 
* * * 
She thought she heard his voice the first time. But wasn't sure. She was so tired. She just wanted to stay where she was, her eyes closed and the comforts of sleep. It felt so good. 
But then she heard his voice again. 
Pleading. 
"Scully, wake up, please?" 
Fighting her exhaustion, she fought through the fog of sleep and slumber. Trying desperatley to open her eyes as the familiar voice commanded. 
"That's it, Scully," the voice said, "Come on, open those blues, it's time to wake up." 
Fighting the darkness, she opened her eyes: barely. She could tell by the tiles on the ceiling that she was in a hospital room. The familiar smell also gave it away, along with the beeps coming from the heart monitor. 
She felt it then: pain. 
Pain in her stomach, it hurt so much that she wanted to cry. But she knew she didn't have the strength. 
She felt the tube in her nose, not with her fingers, but when she swallowed, and a little part of her brain registered that she was being fed through a tube. 
But she was breathing on her own. How long had she been like this? 
She opened her eyes a bit more then, and it was too painfull to move her head. Instead she just moved her eyes to the right and saw him standing there. 
Mulder. 
'Oh thank God, Mulder.' 
"Scully?" he said in disbelief as he stood up and hovered over her. He placed a hand on her cheek and she could see the tears fill his eyes, "I thought I lost you. Welcome back, sunshine." 
She smiled just a bit and swallowed, wanting to speak. But it had obviously been a long time since she spoke and she was so thirsty, that's all that entered her mind. 
"......wa-water....."she whispered and tried to clear her throat. She winced in pain as she realized even the simple movements sent sharp pains from her stomach to the rest of her body. 
"You okay?" he asked worriedly as he went to the hospital tray and poured water from the pitcher that had obviously been left there by the hospital staff. 
She only knodded with her eyes as she watched him. 
He looked very tired. His hair was disheveled, dressed in jeans and a black turtle neck, and at least a two days stubble on his face. His eyes were sunken, and baggy, and sad. She felt bad for him. 
He placed a straw in the cup and brought the water over to her. Gently, he lifted it to her lips and she began to drink. Fast. 
"Easy, Scully," he soothed, "We want it to stay down. You haven't had a drink in a long time." 
And so she drank slower. And when she was satisfied he took the cup away and placed it back on the tray. 
She looked at him and he scooted closer to her, his face nearer to hers. 
"You had me so scared," he said as he brushed a stubborn lock of auburn from off her forehead, "You are still a little warm too. You might need some more medicine. Are you in pain?" 
".....yes...." 
He knodded, "We'll get them to give you some more medicine, ok?" 
He pressed the call button and then took her hand again. 
"....how long?..." 
"You were in a coma for about three days," he said softly, "You had to have surgery on your stomach twice Scully, Ritter really did some damage to you." 
"...a-accident, Mulder.." 
He shook his head, his hazel eyes very intense, "I don't care," he said, "I should have been there. I would have seen you...the bastard shot you Scully, and I want to-" 
He stopped when she squeezed his hand, asking him silently to calm down. She knew accidents happened, she also had to show him that it was just an accident. But she knew it would take a long time for Mulder to deal with this. 
The nurse came in the room then and both her and Mulder looked up as she walked in with a syringe in her hand. 
"Welcome back, Agent Scully," she greeted with the softest voice, "Agent Mulder was right, you do have beautiful blue eyes." 
Scully looked over at Mulder then, a small blush creeping acrossed his face, but he winked at her causing a smile to spread on her face. 
She then turned to the nurse again and watched as she inserted the syringe into the heploc of her IV. 
"It won't be long, Agent Mulder," She said, "The pain medicine will make her sleep some more." 
He nodded and they both watched the nurse leave the room, softly closing the door behind her. 
He looked back at her then and squeezed her hand while rhythmatically stroking her hair from her forehead. 
She felt the beginnings of the medicine kicking in and fought to keep her eyes opened to look at him. There was still so much more she had to say. 
"Don't fight it Scully," he said soothingly, "Go to sleep, sweetheart, we will talk later when your body is rested." 
She closed her eyes then, feeling his soothing hand on her forehead, and the other hand tightly gripping her other. She could hear him talking to her, but unsure what he was saying. All she was aware of was sleep. 
And the promise of many talks with Mulder ahead. He would be there when she woke up. She knew. And she was glad that she go towards the light. 
She was glad she stayed. 
Mulder would take the pain away. 
*End*