From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 23 Apr 2002 20:21:51 -0000
Subject: Drifting by Jessica
Source: direct

Reply To: j_rothen@yahoo.se


Title: Drifting

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Rating: PG

Category:MSR, V 

Spoiler: None

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Summary: Not given

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.

I walk the halls of the FBI like the ghost I am. 
I wish sometimes that I could fly away from this world.
I care around this mask for the world to see, 
pretending that I'm fine. I used to think
that I could take on anything. I thought I was strong. I know
now that it was just lies. It's funny, but all it took was
him leaving. We have never been apart freely. Faith has 
stepped in several times and pulled us apart. But we have 
never ever left of free will. I wanted it once. I was blind
then, convinced that I was doing the right thing. I never
saw that we completed each other. 
I was blind in so many ways. 
These days I fear the future. I fear that this sorrow I carry
around shall never break. I know I should be happy. I have so
many things in my life that many would consider miracles.
Believe me, I do. I have all I have ever wanted. I have a job
that has given me more than I have ever asked for. Sure, I 
have seen many horrible things. But it has open my eyes to 
reality and showed me a different life. Sometimes I wonder 
where I would be now if I never stepped into the office of
Fox Mulder that day along time ago. Would I be married with
kids? Would I live in some small town working as doctor? 
Or would I stay at the FBI? I don't know. I will never regret
any of the choices I have made. They are all mine and even
though many of them has caused me pain they have also showed
me a different me. These I consider them lessons on
the path of life. I have still so much to learn and I'm still 
searching for many of the answers to my questions. But I'm 
older now and wiser. I don't crave the hunt. I know there's 
still answers to all our questions out there somewhere. But I
don't want to stumble in the dark any longer. I have to live
my life now. I have William to think about. He keeps me up
at night. He's my miracle. He's so lovely. I have always wanted
someone that are completely yours, yours to love. He's mine.
I'm still amazed that god has given him to me. I use to sit
by his cradle watching him sleep. I fear that if I move he'll
disappear. I know, it's silly. But when you have wished for
a miracle like this for so long it's hard to believe that it
actually has come through. I never thought it was possible
to love a child as much as I love him. The love for him feels
me with a strength that makes it possible for me to get up
each morning. He's my heaven and I love him.
But still there still a big part of me that is missing. I know
I should be thankful for the things I have and not long for
the things I don't have. But he's not here. He's not here to
see William smiling at me. He's not here to feel how soft his
skin feels against your hand. He's not here to hold my son
in his arms. He's place in life is here with us. The dark
forces have once again come between us. I can't ask him to come.
It wouldn't be safe. I guess I'm selfish like that. I want him
here by my side. These arms of mine ache for him. Sometimes
right before I'm waking up his face comes before me in my 
dreams. I try to reach out to touch him but he always manages
to slip from my hand. I always wake up with a pain my heart
that I carry with me all through the day. I feel so lost when
he's not here. I know it's not the first time that he has left
me. But this feels more final. Maybe it's just me. I don't 
know. I have never felt like this before. Lost. Like I'm 
just drifting. He feels so far away these days. I fear that
he might never come back to me. I try to convince myself that
he will always return to me. But still I doubt my own words.
"What if", keeps on chasing me around. 
John is still by my side helping me and I'm grateful. Monica
is there also. They are my friends and I thank god for them.
But they cannot replace Mulder in my heart. No one can. I 
tried it once. I tried to push him out of my heart, convinced
that I was better of. I was wrong. He kept following me around,
haunting my dreams and my heart longed for him. I guess it
wasn't so simply to fall out of love. Sometimes I wish it 
would. My life would be so simple if my heart could love 
another. But that would be to lie. Mulder is so easy to love. 
I do love him. I just fear that it will kill me. 
The passing of time causes such pain. To watch days fly by
without him. But I have to believe that he'll come back to me
one day. I have to believe; otherwise it will surely kill me. 
I move to the cradle and look down at my son. My son, it feels
so good to say those words. He's still lost in beautiful 
dreams. I reach down and stroke his soft cheek. I smile
down and whisper:
- He'll come back to us one day. 
I believe. 
The goal is in sight once again.

Feedback.....j_rothen@yahoo.se