From: FirePhile <firephile@aol.com>
Date: 09 Jan 2001 04:20:36 GMT
Subject: New: Eavesdropping in Starbucks (1/1) by FirePhile

Title: Eavesdropping in Starbucks
Author: FirePhile (FirePhile@aol.com)
Spoilers: Season 8
Rating: PG
Summary: It was a shock when the feeling rushed back, the
world losing its shimmer of dreams and changing into the
hustle and bustle she knew well.  
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, Doggett, etc belong to 1013 &
CC and FOX.  Starbucks and A&F are not mine, they
belong to their respective companies.

Author's notes following story.

Winter 2001

"Do you miss him?"

The question caught Scully off guard as she sat in the
Starbucks waiting to meet with Doggett.  The coffee burned 
her throat as she swallowed too quickly, and she coughed
slightly, wiping her eyes.

"Of course I do,"  the woman at the next table answered.
"But I promised him this trip out to see his father, and I'll
see him again soon."

For some reason, the simple question haunted Scully.  With
concerned eyes and gentle words her mom had asked that
same question, placing a hand over her daughter's
outstretched one.  Scully had blinked and responded in the
way her mother expected, a how could you even
ask something like that, look as she said "of course I do."

Now though, and then, and every minute of every day she
had to wonder about how she felt.  She expected the bright
agony of loss to stay with her for months. That first day,
and the next and the one after that, she felt that unreality,
each moment like a drop of water into a lake, changing
nothing.

It was a shock when the feeling rushed back, the world
losing its shimmer of dreams and changing into the hustle
and bustle she knew well.  Then, even more surprisingly,
came this sense of freedom she hadn't felt since college.

Scully had that same feeling of freedom on her first case
without Mulder. She was terrified, but found she could do
this.  Skills she hadn't needed in years were there when she
needed them.  Intuition and clue gathering, her
worst skills, somehow worked.  She could, she realized with
an almost giddy excitement, solve an X-File without him, 
and found as long as she could focus on the work, on her
new partner, on her upcoming motherhood that
the place he'd had in her life was able to be ignored. 

For long stretches, sometimes for days at a time, she could
convince herself that she didn't need him. Then an innocent
thing like sunflower seeds or a tall man with dark hair or
Doggett talking to a witness would remind her of him, and
she'd find herself blinking away tears.

The baby was a different matter entirely, and thoughts on it
and its origins took up most of her free time.  She wanted to
believe that it was a healthy baby, but in her honest
moments she had to admit she had no clue how she'd finally
gotten pregnant - a fact that did not bode well for
the future.  Yes, she slept with Mulder, but the last time she
checked, she was infertile, so that didn't answer anything. 
To open that door though, on top of everything else was
too much.  She was in denial about it, but on her 23rd
straight day of morning sickness she wondered why she ever
wanted to have a child.   In her darker moments she thought
about abortion, but was afraid that this was her last chance.
If the amnio proved the baby was human and healthy...she'd
have it.  Damn the consequences.  

The woman next to her was going on and on about her little
boy and what his father had planned for California, and
Scully sunk deeper into her own thoughts.

Doggett had been an unexpected ally, a person to whom, if
she ever wanted to open up, she could and not have to
worry about him being strong enough to carry both of them. 
They were their own people, not connected by any deep
emotional tie.  If she fell he would pick her up and she
knew with certainty that she would never have to do the
same for him. He had emotional stability she could only
envy, but she would not let herself confide in him.  The last
thing she wanted was another man to lean on, which is why
she was getting annoyed with the chivalrous way Skinner
was treating her.  Okay, she was pregnant, she knew that,
and he knew that, but she didn't need another mother.

The only person in years she'd let inside her walls was gone,
and if history was any indication, would not come back in
any shape to continue at her side.  The names of victims
who had come back shattered shells of their former selves
slipped in and out of her memory.

A week ago she'd heard Mulder in her dreams again, a
rough whisper over and over, "Duane Barry was right,
Duane Barry was right...Oh God, Scully, Duane Barry was
right."  Scully had woken up with a start, shaking with
terror.  She cried for what felt like hours imagining what
they were doing to him and how powerless she was to stop
it.

It was funny how she had gone from a disbeliever to
worrying about what aliens were doing to him on an UFO. 
If her former self knew she was thinking this way...well her
former self never would have believed it anyway and would
have decided she was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress
and needed psychiatric help.

Well, maybe she needed psychiatric help anyway.  It was a
shock the first time she realized she wasn't treating him like
a missing person, but like someone who had died in the line
of duty.  She wasn't in searching mode, she felt like
he was dead, and they were just looking for the body.  She
didn't have the hope that things would work out okay.  She
couldn't see any reason why they would ever return him,
but, she also didn't want to be seventy years old still looking
up at the stars waiting for his return.  If the UFO
left earth, Einstein's Theory of Relativity probably took over
and even if five minutes had passed in space, one hundred
years might have passed on Earth, if the Theory really
worked.

With that kind of knowledge, she knew how hopeless it was
to think he'd be returned quickly.  So, she buried him in her
heart, locked his memory in a place that was hard to open,
tried to avoid mentioning him in normal conversation, and
began moving on with her life.

Instead of reaching out, she was more isolated than ever,
and she wished she had enough guts to take that first step
and develop a bond with Doggett.  Even though she hadn't
seen a hint of aliens since her run in with the bounty hunter
in Arizona, she was still convinced the conspiracy
continued, only she could find no proof.

Part of her, she guessed, must believe that keeping Doggett
in the dark about the past was a way to protect him.  Also
since he was in no hurry to share his deep secrets, she felt
less than no desire to tell him anything about what she'd
been through.  She didn't have the heart to tell him that he
hadn't read all the X-Files.  The majority of them were
destroyed by that fire.

But he was a good agent, a good partner...

For all her attempts to bury him, she still woke up every day
with the thought that maybe today's the day that Mulder will
come back and every night she fell asleep with the hope that
she'd wake up and the past number of months all will have
been a dream.  Or that he'd be lying next to her, returned
and safe.  When she heard about a John Doe in a hospital
she had to force herself to be sensible, and she hated that
her emotions were this difficult to control.  

For all the voices that told her she was better off without
Mulder, that he controlled her, that without him she never
would have endured the pain and torment of the past seven
years.  He forced her into a role she never wanted, and that
at the very end he kept something monumental from her...It
was hard to deny the other voices, the ones that whispered
about rescues and adventures, the ones that sighed about his
kisses, the ones that told her about the meaning he brought
to her life, and the ones that said in a timid almost
frightened to admit it voice, he's made you into a better
person.

Although Scully tried to deny it, he was too vital to her
existence, too important a person in her life to be shut into
her memory vault.  She was haunted by his presence. 
Every case she wondered if she was doing it correctly, if
there  was a better way.  Was some vital clue missing? And
although she and Doggett could solve the crimes, neither of
them could explain the motives or the mindset of the
monsters.  

It was exactly like being half a person, in some twisted way. 
Whenever she put forth a paranormal theory, she imagined
his look of surprise, or happiness. But that was all she could
do, put forth the theory.  She really had no ability
to explain it or back it up.  Although she wanted to believe
she could thrive without him, all signs were pointing in the
opposite direction.  She wasn't sleeping well, she wasn't
eating, even getting up in the morning felt like a chore. 
Motherhood didn't feel worth it, and she was too damn
frightened to face anything.  It was as if when he went
away, he took some part of her with him, something she
couldn't live without.

The worst part was, she had no idea what that could be.

"Sometimes I wish he'd just disappear and get out of my
life, you know?" A teenager was whining to someone next
to her.  "Like, I love him and all but he's just so damn
annoying.  He listened in on my conversation with Jarret
yesterday and mom didn't even punish him!   Now whenever
he sees me he calls me Blondie, which is Jarret's nickname
for me - it's so obnoxious.  I wish he'd get abducted by
aliens or something."  The girl said with a slight giggle and
took a sip of her cafe mocha.

Scully barely stopped herself from saying something.  The
words, "you shouldn't wish that on anyone" were on the tip
of her tongue, but she knew the looks she would receive,
and they were just teenagers.

"I'd rather be abducted by aliens than take these midterms,
at least if your brother got abducted he'd miss some tests." 
Her friend groaned but smiled to show she wasn't serious.

"I bet it would be fun you know, to experience new things,
find new worlds..."  another girl at the table said wistfully.

Her friends laughed, "Uh huh, right, sure, I'm sure alien
abduction is lots of fun...now can we get back to something
that exists, like the new A&F catalog?"  the first girl said,
pulling out a thick catalog with a half naked man on the
cover.

Again, Scully barely stopped herself from saying that aliens
were a more pressing problem than how some college-aged
boys looked in jeans.  She closed her eyes for a second and
was treated to an image of what alien abduction was really
like and before she could stop herself she said his name out
loud.

"Agent Scully?"

For a split second her mind fooled her into thinking it was
Mulder...but then she recognized the voice and the face.

"Agent Doggett, you're late."

"No, I'm," he checked his watch, "five minutes early."

She motioned for him to sit down, which he did after a
moment.  

"Why did you want to meet me here?"  She asked bluntly, 
there were no cases that couldn't be discussed at
work...unless...

"We've been workin' together for a few months now..."

"Yes," she agreed, wondering where he was going with this
thought.  

"I realized that I don't know that much about you...usually
at this point in a partnership I've heard about family, favorite
books, some personal information, but I don't even know if
you have a pet, or if you read."

"What is your point?"

"I've saved your life twice and don't even know what kind
of music you listen to.  You're obviously keeping some
things from me and I can respect that, but you can't expect
me not to be curious."

"And you expect me to what, tell you everything about
myself? Some things are intensely private to me."

He blinked, "We all have intensely private stories.  But
there's a difference between private memories and things
that can affect your job performance. Last case, I had to
repeat things twice sometimes before you would
hear me.  I know something is going on with you and if has
something to do with..."

"You just said you don't know me, how could you possibly
know if something's bothering me?"

"It doesn't take a doctor to know that someone's hurt their
leg in a fall. If this is related to Agent Mulder's
disappearance...or even if it's not..."

"Agent Doggett, you are crossing a line."  She began to
stand up.

"Agent Scully, I'm just saying...if you ever want to talk or
need to talk,  I'm here."

"I'll take that into consideration. Is that all Agent Doggett?"

He sighed and pushed himself away from the table.  "I lost a
son a few years ago, I was married once too.  My marriage
didn't survive that.  I already have one woman in my life
who won't talk to me, I don't need another."

"I'm sorry, I had no idea."  There was an awkward moment
of silence, "I had a dog a few years ago, Queequeg, named
after a character in Moby Dick.  A little orange
Pomeranian... he died on a case, eaten by an alligator.  I
never got another pet, I'm away on cases so often that
taking care of a dog or cat would be impossible.  I can't
even keep fish alive." She tapped her nails against the table
slightly, "He wasn't the first or the last tragedy."  

He nodded, as if he understood. 

"I wish I could take my midterm about him," one of the girls
at the table next to them sighed loudly, pointing to one of
the men in the catalog.

"I wonder what it's like to have so few concerns that you
can actually spend hours looking at clothing catalogs ."

"They're the future of our country, Agent Scully."

"I believe they are, Agent Doggett.  Can I buy you a cup of
coffee?"

"I'm late for a meeting, but thanks anyway.  I'm glad we had
this talk. And if you ever need to talk some more, I'm here."

"I'll keep that in mind," her smile was barely there, but it
was a start.

He walked away and she blinked away a few tears, even that
tiny admission was emotionally draining.  She put a hand
over her slightly swollen belly and whispered, "the future of
our country."

"Hey, Blondie," A tall dark haired teenager bent over to kiss
one of the girls at the table.  

"Hey, Mr. B," she kissed him back, giggling slightly.

Scully stood up and threw out her cup of coffee.  Before
she left she heard the women at the next table still talking.  

"You know, I still miss his father sometimes too," the
woman admitted to her friend.

Scully wasn't sure if she missed Mulder, but she needed him,
and was still not sure if that was the same thing.  However,
the next time someone asked her, she'd still say, of course I
do.

End.

Author's note:  First, huge thanks to Clair, who is a constant
source of inspiration, also to Mem and my mom for beta
and suggestions.  I saw a quote from GA about Scully this
season and I was intrigued by the idea that she got back a
part of herself when he disappeared.  I've read a lot of
stories about Scully missing Mulder and wanting him back,
but not a lot of stories about the flip side.  I wanted to give
the flip side a voice, while still making it clear that even if
she gained something with his abduction, he also took a part
of her with him.

In addition, I wanted to have some sort of confrontation
between Doggett and Scully, I really think they're headed
for a blow-up.  While talking with a friend, I got this idea
for a story and it wouldn't go away.  I hope that you
enjoyed reading it.  Please send me any and all
comments, I love hearing from people.

Rachel
FirePhile@aol.com

"I'm lost in the confusion and it doesn't seem to matter." - REM, Hope