THE EPIC 'SCULLIAD' OF MULDER.
By Stirip Laga.


Washington DC 24 Jan 1996.  11.23 pm.

No-one would have believed in the last years of the twentieth
century that human affairs were being watched from the timeless
worlds of space.  But one man, a man of few, always monotnous,
words stood out alone as a true believer.

Few persons in the FBI even considered the possibility of life on
other planets and yet, across the gulf of space, minds
immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious
eyes, and slowly and surely they colonised our planet.

Dana Scully, a sceptic of rare intelligence, could not fathom the
possibility of life on that remote, foreboding, distant red
planet.  Her eyes, molten pools of azure blue, clouded over in
exasperation.

"Mul-dur!  You're crazy!  The chances of anything coming from
'Mars' are a million to one".

"Scully..." Mulder said in his cool and calm monotone, "the
chances of *anything* coming from 'Mars' *are* a million to one -
but still they come.  My sister is proof of this."

"Mul-duh.  You know your sister was found two years ago living in
the small town of Trinity in South Carolina.  She died in a fire.
The local Sheriff had to put her out of her misery.  Hold on.
Someone's at the dooh-or."

A small grey creature lurked outside the door.  When Scully
opened it, the creature, with a look of horror on its face turned
and  ran.  Scully heard it muttering "This is not happening, this
is not happening."  Extremely weirded out, she went back inside.

"Who was it" said Mulder in his monotone.

"Your creepy little grey friend ... again.  I think he's losing
it."

"What makes you say that Scully?."

But before she could answer, the words were ripped from her
throat by a strange, haunted, southern voice echoing through the
room.
"Someone's at the dooh-or."

Scully walked to the door showing the tops of her black silky 5
denier stockings.  They were so thin that Mulder could see her
turquoise panties.  She had foolishly forgotten to put on a
skirt.  Mulder had refrained from mentioning it, in case she got
paranoid before the formal hearing later that day.  That
explained his grey friend's unusual behaviour.

She let out a shreek as she caught sight of a small and o-so
familiar red furry form through the perspex of the door. "Ohhhh
myyyy god" she squealed.  "We all thought you were dead!"

A man smelling of a familiar fishy odour handed her a little
fluffy rat like dog. "That's bass if I'm not mistaken" Mulder
interjected as he paused to change video tapes.

"I believe this mutt is yours" said the Fish-man.

"But how did he survive the Loch Ness Alligator?" asked Scully.

"He survived alright, the mutt ate him.  Take him away, he's
evil.  He bears the number of the beast."

"Where???" asked Scully.  Mulder listened with intrigue.

"Nowhere I can tell a lady" he said.  "By the way, where's your
skirt?"

"What???" said Scully confused.  She looked down and realised
what she had been trying to remember all morning.  Those black-
outs were coming more frequently since the silver spinning top
with coloured lights haunted her dreams.  How could she have
forgotten her skirt.

"Get lost you hick little southern goober.  Get thee behind me
Fish-man."

With haughty distain she slammed the door and her azure blue eyes
were aflame with anger and hurt.

******
26 Jan 1996.  .904 am
*
Scully's apartment.  Someone's at the dooh-or again.

"Mulder, will you get off your bony ass and answer the goddamn
door?  Can't you see I'm trying to clean out Queequag's dirtbox??
For chrissake, turn the tv down!!  The neighbours next door have
been complaining about the constant moans and screams coming from
my apartment." Mulder slumped off the couch and padded down the
hall to the front door.  Through the front door he saw the shpely
and brazenly attired form he had come to know and loathe.

"Hi y'all!  I'm Maddie Skinner!  Madison Montgomery Skinner!"

"I know who you are, now get the hell out of my life," he said,
preparing to slam the door in her face.  "This is the X-Files,
not 'Sweet Valley High' or 90210 or Melrose Place or that crap
Party of Five, not that I watch those shows.  You disgust me and
your scientific illiteracy makes me shudder."

"Ohhh he-he.  Mulder, I KNOW you dont really think that.  I see
you looking at me when Dana's not looking."

I'd rather grope Eugene Tooms."  As he pushed the door forwards,
she pointed towards his thin yet undeniably aero-dynamic body.

"Ohmigod!  You're not wearing any trousers!  He's not wearing any
trousers!" She collapsed into hysterical girlish giggles.  "Did
you know you're not wearing your trousers?"

Mulder looked down at his own skinny legs and the bulging
obtrusion in his boxer shorts.  "Of course I do."  With a sick
perverted smile of glee he said, "Wallace meet Gromit."

"Mulder, you are so yucky!"  Maddy squealed.  "But I lurve you
anyway."

"Oh PUL_EASE!" exclaimed Scully.  "What do you want Bim."

"Bim?" asked Maddy cheerfully.

"Bim-bo of course."

"Oh Dana, you're so funny.  If only I could be as funny as you."

"What do you want Maddy?"  Maddy thought hard.  She knew she had
come to Dana's for a reason, but she couldn't quite remember.

"Ummmmm, Daddy sent me."

"Ah ha and why was that?" said Mulder trying to keep the cynicism
out of his voice.

"Oh that's right.  I remember now.  I'm your new lover,
no...partner that's it!"

"You have to be joking" said Mulder.  "Why the hell would skinner
assign you to us?"

"Daddy said he would give me anything I wanted for my birthday
and I choose *you*!!!"

It only took Mulder a second to reply, "But you dont even work
for the FBI".

Maddy responded after several minutes of intense thinking.  "Well
my Daddy owns the show.  He runs things round here so I can have
anything I want, a bit like that girl Torie Spelling from that
show .. CNN.  In fact if they ever do a doco on you mulder, I
think she should play me.  And Jason Priestly could be you and
Luke Perry could be Daddy."

"But who would play Scully." Mulder asked humouring her.

"Ummmm that's a toughy.  Ummmm I think it should be .... I know,
Robbie Coltrane."

"Isnt he British and a man?" Mulder replied pointing out the
blatently obvious.

"He sure is, and isnt he ugly.  But he's about the right dress
size for Scully, particularly if we have to shoot from the head
up, becasue of pregnancey or whatever.  My back-up would be
Queequag cause at least he has red hair and doesnt say much but
follows you around."

Scully slammed the door.  "I'm not taking anymore of this.  You
can go to hell Madison Skinner.  And keep your filthy hands off
my partner."

A few minutes later a sad and bewildered teenage bimbo wondered
in a daze from the door step of Scully's apartment.  She was so
cut up about what had just gone down that she didn't notice the
drain goblin coming up from the sewer and cutting her tiny little
throat in two.  The blood flowed freely, red and thickly
throughout the city streets.  As her tongue turned black she knew
she would never know the taste of Fox Mulder FBI agent.

....To be continued.....



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