From: AnasaziBB@aol.com
Date: Sat, 31 May 1997 18:22:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Another Submission

This is another story, which I wrote at about the same time as the other
ones, but it failed to become archived.  The name of it is "The Episode We
Will Hopefully Never See."  (I'm not too good with titles.)

Thanks!

S. Sanger :)
Title--The Episode We Will Hopefully Never See
Author--S. Sanger (AnasaziBB@aol.com)
Rating--PG
Classification--H


	It was a quiet day in the office.  There wasn't much to do, and Mulder was bored.  After looking over bunches of X-Files, his eyes were starting to hurt and he was getting sick of reading about aliens and mutants.  He decided to go find Scully and see what she was doing.
	When Mulder walked into Scully's office, she didn't look up.  She was reading a magazine.  Mulder squinted at it. "Playgirl?" He asked. "Scully! I didn't know."
	Horrified, Scully tried to shove the magazine into her desk.
	"Wait a sec.  That guy looks almost like me!" Mulder exclaimed.
	"What?"
	"Right there, on the cover. What's his name?"
	Scully reluctantly flipped to the front. "David D-something.  I don't know." She pushed it into her desk. "What do you want?" She demanded, a bit crabby.
	"Sheesh, you don't have to bite my head off."
	Scully glared at him.
	"Well, actually, I didn't have anything to do, so I decided to come into your office and see what you were going to do." Mulder smiled at her.
	"I wasn't going to do anything."
	"You were already doing it," snickered Mulder.
	"WHAT?"
	"Nothing."
	"Well," she said, a bit grumpily, "since you obviously aren't going to leave, I'll tell you what I was going to do.  I was going to paint my toenails."
	"You were going to . . . ?"
	"Yes."
	Mulder scratched the side of his face. "I didn't know you painted your toenails."
	"You aren't the only one that gets bored once in awhile."
	So Mulder sat down on the chair next to Scully, and helped her decide on a color to paint her toenails.  He shook it up and Scully took off her shoe.
	"When we get done, we can paint yours." Scully giggled.
	"Um, I don't think so.  There is a limit."
	Just then, Skinner walked in.
	"Slow day in the mutant area?" he asked.
	Mulder nodded, not looking up. He started on Scully's other foot.
	"Well, I just come in to tell you that I have an unexplained homicide.  There are no possible suspects.  I'd like you to talk to the man that found the body.  It was his wife that got killed.  Here's the address." Skinner gave Mulder a piece of paper.
	"Okay, we'll go see after I get done here."
	"And my toes dry."
	
	Fifteen minutes later, they were in the car. Scully was in the driver's seat, and Mulder was next to her in the passenger.
	As they pulled up to a stop light, Mulder said to Scully, "Do you have any idea where we're going?"
	Scully's eyebrows furrowed, and she said carefully, "Not a clue."
	"Why don't you let me drive, since I have the paper."
	"I want to drive!" Scully whined.
	"Too bad.  I'm not giving it to you."
	Scully pouted for a minute, but then opened her door.
	They switched sides just as the light turned green.
	Mulder drove off.


	"Well, I only found my wife's body, but there is somebody . . . nah."
	"What, what, tell us! Any leads we have will be a start."
	"There's this guy.  He doesn't really like me.  I think he was going to try and frame me for it too, but I got home earlier than I had told my wife that I would be and he didn't have time to set me up."
	"Are there any distiguishing characteristics that we should look out for?" Scully asked, writing furiously on her notepad.
	"Why, yes there is!  You should know this, because it'll probably catch him right away.  He only has one arm."
	Scully snapped her notebook shut.  Mulder hid a smile.
	"Mr. uh, whatever your name is," said Scully, "It'll be alright, we'll catch him."
	"Are you sure?"
	"Positive." Mulder said. "Don't worry about a thing!"


	Back in the car, Mulder slid behind the wheel.  Scully looked at him and said, "I want to drive."
	"Too bad, get in the car." He shut the door and turned it on.
	Sulkily, Scully got in the passenger side.  "That was a big waste of time." She said, as she ripped out the notes she had made and threw them out the window.
	A few minutes later, Scully coughed.
	"Um," she said.
	"Yes?" Mulder asked.
	"Could you step on it? There's something I have to do."
	"Sure."
	When they got there, Scully jumped out of the car and ran as fast as she could toward the building.  Mulder parked the car and followed.
	When he got inside, Scully was no where to be seen.  He checked in his office and her office, but she wasn't there.  So he started toward Skinner's office.
	Outside the door, Mulder could just barely hear what was going on.
	" . . .Wally, I'm sorry." Scully said.
	"Wally?" Mulder asked himself.
	"You see, you're just to old.  We have to end it here and now.  I don't care if it jepardizes my position in this office, but I can't go on living this lie."
	"What?" Mulder asked himself again.
	"Scully, no, don't go!  Think of all the good times we've had together, I mean, you can't just throw all that away!" That was Skinner.
	"I'm sorry, I have to go."
	"Someday I'll get back at you, Scully.  I will get you.  Maybe not now, maybe not in a ten years.  But I will get you." Scully started to leave. "And your little dog, too!" Skinner shouted as Scully neared the door.
	The door opened quickly, and Mulder pretended to be getting a drink out of the water jug that was sitting a little ways down the hall.
	Skinner looked down the hall as Scully passed Mulder.
	"That was too weird." said Mulder.
	
	The next day, Mulder decided to go in and see Skinner.
	As he opened the door, he looked around for any sign of Cancer Man.  There wasn't any.
	"You wanted to discuss something, Mr. Mulder?" Skinner asked.
	"Yes.  Now, this may sound strange, but I want to know!  You've held the truth back from me so much, and now's your chance to come clean.  Did you have an affair with Scully?"
	For a second, Skinner was so surprised that there was no reaction.  But then he said, quietly, "I don't know what you're talking about."
	"Yes, you do.  I want the truth!"
	"You can't handle the truth!  You never could and you never will!  Now, get out of my office!"
	Mulder left.


	The next day, Mulder was in his office when Scully stormed in.
	"I don't believe he had the nerve!  I mean, he can't do this to me--I mean us!  It's illegal, or something, I know it is!"
	"Scully, what are you talking about?"
	"Do you know what Skinner did?  He assigned you and me to the case on the 'one-armed man' and he brought in two new people for us to work with!  Bambi is going to be working on the case, and somehow, I have no idea how, Frohike got included in this little group, too."
	Mulder snorted, trying to hold back a laugh.  Scully slapped him.
	"Ow!  What did you do that for?"
	"Because."
	"Why do you think that Skinner would do something like that?" Mulder asked, with a straight face.
	"I don't know why, don't ask me why, do you think I did something to deserve this, or do you think I did something wrong, or something?  Why are you questioning me like this?"
	"Relax, Scully, I'm not accusing you of anything.  Why did you get so upset?"
	"I didn't get upset." Scully said, with her head raised.
	"Okay, you didn't get upset--"
	"It's just that when you were with that Bambi girl, you ignored me and hung up on me.  I couldn't stand that again.  And Frohike!"
	"Relax, Scully, I won't do that.  I think that she's too ditzy for me.  I mean, all she could talk about was bugs.  Bugs, bugs, bugs.  She was obsessed with them.  I don't think I could stand to be around someone who was absolutely obsessed with something, could you?"
	Scully glanced up at Mulder, but didn't answer.
	"Well, why don't we leave for the crime scene before they get to the office, and then they won't know where we've gone.  We can avoid them for a little while."
	"That sounds good."
	They left the office and were almost outside, when there was a voice behind them.
	"Oh, Mulder!" said Bambi.
	"Oh, Scully!" said Frohike.
	Mulder and Scully kept walking.
	"Oh, Mulder!" said Bambi, a little louder.
	"Oh, Scully!" said Frohike, a little louder.
	"Oh, no," muttered Scully.
	"Oh Yes! It's us, we're here." Frohike said.
	As Scully and Mulder turned around, Bambi and Frohike smiled.
	Mulder and Scully reluctantly turned around.  There stood Bambi and Frohike.
	"Hi, Mulder!" screeched Bambi, going over to him and wrapping her arms around one of his.
	"Uh, hi, Bambi."
	Scully rolled her eyes.
	"And, uh, how are you today, Agent Scully?" Frohike asked, a little more conservatively, but wanting to do the exact same thing to Scully that Bambi was doing to Mulder.
	"Fine." Scully glared at Bambi, who was trying to pull Mulder along with her, and leave both Scully and Frohike behind. "Um, we'd better follow them."
	Frohike nodded. They began to walk toward Mulder and Bambi.
	"I get to drive." Scully said, pulling the keys out of Mulder's pocket. He was so busy trying to pry Bambi off of himself that he couldn't stop her.
	"That's good. That means Fox and I get the backseat all to ourselves, don't we?"
	Mulder smiled wanly.


	As Scully drove down the highway, having discouraged Frohike from talking, she was plotting. She was plotting the best way to kill Bambi. Scully would slam on the brakes, throwing Bambi over the seats, and into the windshield. With luck, she would grab Frohike on the way through. Then, Scully thought, she would get to dissect the body, ripping out a heart here and a liver there, and taking immense satisfaction in it all the while.
	But that wasn't going to happen.
	And Bambi was going to keep hanging onto Mulder.
	Like a leech.
	Bambi was still trying to get Mulder alone, although Scully had no idea what she was planning to do once they were alone. Actually, she knew Bambi was planning to do, but she had no idea how she would get Mulder to go along with it.
	And she was attempting again.
	"Hey, I have an idea."
	"Yes, Bambi?" Scully asked, tiredly.
	"Um, since there are four of us, why don't we split up? That way we could cover a lot of ground." Bambi grinned broadly, stupidly, and continued. "And, and it would be helpful if two doctors--no that won't work, two paranor-paranorm-paranormally" she grinned over getting the word right "interested people were in each group--no, that won't work, either."
	It was Frohike who finally supplied her with the answer. "How about FBI agents?" he whispered.
	"AAAHHH, YEEEESS!" she shrieked. "It would be better if an FBI agent was in each group! Because, you know, one-armed men are quite dangerous, and we need guns.  And--and I really need a big, strong man to protect me.  I really wouldn't feel safe without one, would you, Agent Scully?"
	"No." That was one of the dumbest things Bambi had said all day. Including the statement about lima beans she had made previously.
	"All right, then, it's settled."
	"Um, not exactly, Bambi." Mulder said, relieved to be discouraging her for once. "There's only one car."


	When they arrived at the crime scene, Bambi wanted to stay in the car. "You know, dead bodies make me sick."
	Scully stared at Bambi for a minute, until she started to squirm. Just like a bug! Scully thought.
	"We . . . are . . . investigating . . . a . . . murder." said Scully slowly, making little hand gestures and speaking slowly. "We . . . have . . . to look . . . at . . . dead . . . bodies."
	Bambi whimpered and got out of the car.
	"What'd you do that for, Scully?" Mulder asked.
	"I have to speak slowly. She's probably a natural blonde." Scully smiled and walked off.


	Three hours later, Mulder and Scully were in a coffee shop, laughing.
	"That was simply amazing, Mulder!" Scully exclaimed. "I never thought you had it in you!"
	"Well, it wasn't all me, it was you. I mean, without your bug idea, we never would have gotten rid of those two!"
	"I thought that Bambi was going to become a permanent attachment soon if I didn't do something. When I heard what that guy said about his can opener, I was inspired."
	"There was a little luck involved, too. If that thing with the three-legged Himolayan cat hadn't happened, I'd still be in her clutches."
	"And I have to admit, too, that your little purple dinosaur joke really got to her."
	They laughed again.
	Just then, a waitress sauntered over to their table. "And what can I get y'all tonight?"
	"Vodka and Frozen OJ...shaken, not stirred..." Mulder said, laughing. "Haha! Get it? Shaken, not stirred? Haha! I've always wanted to say that!" Scully looked at him. His laughing died off. "Ahem, well." The waitress chomped some more on her gum. "I'll have a cherry coke, please."
	"The same for me." Scully smiled and the waitress wandered off again. "What was that?"
	"I don't know. I thought it was funny. Hey, it's not fair. You never laugh. You never think anything is funny that I think is funny. Sometimes you really get on my nerves! One of these days, Scully...POW! Right in the kisser!"
	They sat in an uncomfortable silence until the waitress brought their drinks.
	"Can I get ya anythin' else?" she asked.
	"Oh, how about some straws?" Scully smiled up at her.
	The waitress stood there for a few seconds, looking as though Scully had just asked her to marry her, then turned around and walked confusedly off.
	She came back with about thirty straws and plunked them on the table. They overflowed into Mulder's lap. "Uh, thank you . . . I think."
	Scully raised her eyebrows and him and reached for a straw. A wrapper came flying across the table and hit her square between the eyes.
	"Mulder!" she shouted. "What was that for?"
	She tore the end off of the straw and blew as hard as she could. The wrapper fell limply to the table.
	Scully grabbed a straw. "Ouch!" she shouted. "Oh my God, I just broke a nail! All right, now you're really going to get it."
	They began blowing straw wrappers back and forth.


	"And don't come back again!" shouted a fat, balding Mexican, as the agents drove away from the coffee shop.
	There was silence in the car. Then:
	"That was YOUR fault, Mulder."
	"No, it wasn't. I didn't do that on purpose. It was an ACCIDENT. You didn't give me time to explain."
	"Accident, smackident. You did that on purpose. And WHY ARE YOU DRIVING AGAIN?"