From: Spock Date: 18 Oct 2003 02:51:55 -0700 Subject: NEW: The Equilibrium Source: atxc Title: The Equilibrium Author: Spock Rating: PG-13 Category: Mulder/Other, A, MSR, Vignette Spoiler: set in Season 6 Summary: Mulder needs to tell Scully something...awful Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, CC does. Had to drug 'im... Feedback: always appreciated at spockdaggoo@yahoo.co.uk Archive: Ephemeral, Gossamer, anywhere else, just ask Author's note: Dedicated to my own little care bear. May you never return to what was before. The Equilibrium By Spock "Scully, I need to speak with you." Mulder took a few steps towards his partner. They were in the bullpen. The workday was drawing to its end. He had been waiting for the right moment, gauging her mood, watching for signs of indifference, but there would never be a right moment for what he was about to do. At his words she looked up from her papers, a tender smile playing on her lips and carefree anticipation evidently present in her countenance. He shook his head. This was not going to be easy or carefree. Scully's smile faded and her brow furrowed. Could she sense what he was going to tell her? Did she already know? He swallowed the lump in his throat; for the tenth time it was stubbornly refusing to budge, but he couldn't stall any longer. He couldn't lie to her any longer. He couldn't keep up the charade. He steeled himself and looked her straight in the eye. "Scully, I have re-connected with somebody." There. He had said the words. His breathing hitched as he saw the expression on his partner's face. Scully was lost. It was so clear to him as he looked at her. The usual clarity of her gaze had evaporated, the blue brightness had disappeared behind the quiver of eyelids and he could see she was struggling for composure. It was so her. She was fighting against her emotions. Always fighting. Her small frame was shaking with the effort. He could see it. He knew the thoughts that were coursing through her brilliant mind, trying to make sense of his statement. Slowly she opened her eyes; and he was met with looming darkness, an empty stare. Her lips were moving, she was trying to say something, but he couldn't hear the words. He wasn't sure whether it was her inability to produce sound or his to hear hers. He wanted to go to her and hug her, but something told him that it was the last thing she needed. A feebler woman's cheeks would have been wet with tears by now, but not Scully's. She held her eyes on his. Dry. The agents that were walking by would not have known anything was different. He didn't want to hurt her like this. He didn't want to, but he had fallen in love with his ex wife. Scully was his best friend, but Diana was something so much more, and she had expressed her willingness to give him another chance. He wanted to make up for his previous blunders, and if the powers that be were willing, spend the rest of his life with Diana. He had known it the moment he had seen her in that conference room all those months ago. It was time to reconcile, and maybe, maybe even get the Files back. "Why?" Scully's voice was broken. He could see her cool was beginning to dissolve. She was clutching the fabric of her skirt for support, her tiny knuckles turning white with the effort. He was breaking the bond of trust, he knew, but it couldn't be helped. It had to be this way. They had to break off this 'thing' between them. He couldn't go on deceiving her, could he? He couldn't feign being 'in love' with her forever, could he? He was beginning to need things from life, family, and Scully had never fit into that equation. "Scully, I don't know why things like this happen...all I know is that I can't lie to you anymore. You are my best friend. I can't go on..." He saw Scully get up from the chair. She was shaking. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and reassure her that she would be okay without his innuendo and flirtation; that everything would be okay, that they could still work together, maybe down in their old office even, and remain best friends. She didn't look at him as she headed towards the elevators. "Scully..." She stopped and turned around to face him, trying to look at him, trying her best to find her center. She was in pain. He could see it written all over her tiny form. He hated himself. He hated himself terribly. He wished there was another way to deal with this, but there wasn't. Scully felt betrayed. He could sense she felt her work had never mattered to him. "Goodbye." Scully managed hoarsely and turned away from him. "Scully. Don't take it personally..." Mulder grabbed her arm and turned her around in the hallway in front of the elevator. Didn't she understand? They had never been involved, had they? They had just flirted a little. Why was she taking this so hard, she had never let on that she had real feeling anyway? He regretted his brutality the second he saw her blank expression change into disgust. She pushed his hand off of her upper arm and turned away from him. He watched her bite her lip and heard her hiss "Never again." He was so taken aback by the coldness of her voice that he literally had to back away from her. "Never again will I let somebody invade my heart the way that you did." At Scully's harsh words he felt his tears spill. She had actually loved him? He needed Scully as his friend, but maybe it had been wishful thinking? Maybe it was asking too much? She hated him now and there was no going back to the good old times of just working together. She had really loved him? Oh no. "Scully..." The elevator doors slid open and he knew Scully couldn't wait to get in. Mulder watched her press the button in a hurry. She looked at him one final time, tears in her eyes now. He knew it was the final time. He could see that she was only waiting for the doors to slide shut so that she could start her new life, without him. Well, there was no other way. He had made his choice. It was time to start living it. That evening he was invited to spend the night at Diana's. He went to bed with her and they made sweet love. Diana's familiar touch was pleasure beyond description. The scent of her perfume was comforting and took him back to the time when they opened the X-Files together. Her scent reminded him off the enthusiasm they had shared, and made him forget the pain in Scully's eyes. Life held promise again. Maybe even children. He woke up and felt her hair against his cheek and her scent was everywhere. Her hair was so soft and smelled so good, like strawberries on a misty summer's day. She stirred in his tight embrace and looked up at him. "Good morning." "Good morning." She kissed his chest briefly. "You didn't sleep very well." she stated solemnly, wiping the sweat off his brow. "No." he replied, a sense of utter relief flooding his body. He hugged her as tightly as he dared, restoring his equilibrium in the scent of her auburn hair. End