From: MJ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 2001 11:49:48 -0800 (PST) Subject: NEW: Escaping Desire (1/1) by Maidenjedi Source: direct TITLE: Escaping Desire AUTHOR: Maidenjedi RATING: R CATEGORY: poetic vignette, Scully POV, alternate universe SPOILERS: none EMAIL: texgoddess@yahoo.com ARCHIVE: Gossamer, Spooky's, Ephemeral, Xemplary, etc. All others please just let me know. SUMMARY: Deep within I'm shaken with the violence of existing for only you; I know I can't be with you. DISCLAIMER: I don't own Scully, or Mulder. And Sarah McLachlan owns "Possession" and "Do What I Have To Do", which provides the summary and the title for this fic. AUTHOR'S NOTES: Music with your fic? Today's picks are "Possession" and "Do What I Have To Do" by Sarah McLachlan. More notes at the end. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~ Ravaged spirit. My heart in pieces in my hands. Your hand touches mine and we clasp fingers briefly. You're the first to pull away, and I'm left to wondering; Would you want me if I reached up and kissed you, or would you pull away thinking you had led me on? I know all too well your wishes. I cling to shreds of hope that I might be the cause of the fire in your eyes one day. But my mind knows better; in the wee hours of the morning even my heart is convinced I will survive this. Desire ravages my spirit. And I am left shaking by your touch and the hope of your kiss. Denied, I know, and I have to let you go. You can walk away, unscathed and untouched by what has passed between us. You will move on, my name only a fond memory you will think of once in a blue moon. I can walk away from you. I've tried before, and now I will succeed. If fate will see me through it. Ravaged spirit. And I fool myself, again, into thinking that I know how to let you go. Even as I think this, even as my mind and my heart wage war, your hands are on my body like there will never be another chance. When I leave here, I will leave nothing behind; save for a piece of my soul. Ravaged spirit. I can taste it, the desperation I feel in knowing I have to let you go. Your lips touch the back of my neck and I feel you breathing and this desire rages like fire and I know again, that I don't know how to let you go. Ravaged spirit. The words repeat in my mind. You've let me know in no uncertain terms that this is all there will be, at least as far as you can see. We can have the day but we must give up the night, surrender it to the same fate that gave it to us once. Can I escape this longing for you? Can I escape this desire? I ask myself these questions even as your hands roam free below my waist, teasing and touching and reminding me that there is something between us, however intangible and fragile. But it isn't enough, is it? Two souls, wandering blindly, find each other in the dark. Two bodies, reaching out to be sated, and they keep returning for more. And thus, my ravaged spirit. Your touch warms me and your breath teases me. All at once I wonder again, can I escape? Is this desire all-encompassing? Or is it as ephemeral as the touch which sparks it? In the nights before and all the nights after, it won't be your touch I recall, but your voice. Even now as you remind me mercilessly of how you don't want me, the way you look at me and the undertones of your voice tell me that I am not alone in my desire. I know that desire is more than this touch and this incredible need. I know that my ravaged spirit seeks more than that. And I know, looking into your eyes, that I've found it in you. Yet, we can't have everything, can we? There is only now, only this moment of desire. There is only the dream. The dreamer is a ravaged spirit. And I have to let you go. I have to escape this desire. If you can walk away, I can. I don't know how, but I can let you go. Can't I? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~ "Possession" is track 10 on "Mirrorball". "Do What I Have To Do" is track 5 on "Surfacing", track 7 on "Mirrorball". Both songs were direct inspirations for this. Thanks to Susan Frankovich for always writing so beautifully and being partially responsible for my dip into this brand of fanfic. You are the Golden Goddess of Vignettes, Susan!! And thanks to a someone whom my heart will always remember. Your friendship means the world to me, and so do you. May we always have yesterday, if we can't ever have tomorrow. "Into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride, Nothing stands between us here And I won't be denied." -- from 'Possession' by Sarah McLachlan Poor college student will work for feedback. texgoddess@yahoo.com, maidenjedi@hotmail.com ===== Visit unInvited at http://www.geocities.com/texgoddess "Her head on his shoulder, her arm curled around his chest, she tries to recall the last time she awoke feeling so at peace. And has she ever been so very aware of the paths laid out in front of her? She sees the paths before her, and she whispers to herself in the darkness. She takes the path closest to her, the one that only takes a step to get to. The one littered with signs that have beckoned to her before." -- from 'Advent of Morning' by PD