Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 19:01:40 -0000 Subject: Everything I do 1/1 by Brit*Vik Title : Everything I do Author : Brit*Vik Date : 25/2/99 Category : UST, MulderAngst, post-"One Son" Rating : U? Archive : Absolutely. Let me know, keep everything attached etc. Feedback : It's what live for (apart from new episodes, of course). Email : HYPERLINK mailto:victoria.farrell@hulme-grammar.oldham.sch.uk victoria.farrell@hulme-grammar.oldham.sch.uk HYPERLINK mailto:believe_the_lie@lycosmail.com believe_the_lie@lycosmail.com Spoilers : Up to "One Son", I suppose, but keep in mind that I haven't seen any season 6 episodes yet, and any knowledge I have of them is through post-episodic fanfic, so forgive me if I get any details wrong. Disclaimer : I don't own Diana Foul-ey (thank God) and Mulder and Scully belong to each other. Nothing's mine. Oh yeah, and the song is "Everything I do, I do it for you" by Bryan Adams, but I've taken the words from the Brandy version, so they may be slightly different. Author's note : Whilst I have a list of many hundreds of songs that I think sum up Mulder and Scully and their relationship, this is my first attempt at a songfic, and it didn't exactly turn out the way I intended. Be kind. "EVERYTHING I DO?" This is all Scully's fault. Well, not exactly *all* her fault. It's not Scully's fault that alien colonisation of the planet Earth began, nor is it her fault that the only safe base was entirely unsafe, that Cassandra Spender and the whole shadowy syndicate that plagued us for so long are now dead or any of that stuff. But what's bothering me now, and has been bothering me for a long time, is all Scully's fault. It's Scully's fault that she walked into the basement all those years ago determined that she'd take her best shot, her fault that she was so goddamned wonderful at it, her fault that I fell in love with her and am still falling, and most of all, it's her fault that, when it would have hurt to keep it in any longer, I told her that I loved her and she totally blew me off. It's all her fault. So it's understandable that I reached out to Diana, whom I'd rejected for so many reasons so many years ago. No-one could blame me for distancing myself from Scully after what had happened. I knew that Scully was jealous, but it was more of a territorial thing than because she was hopelessly in love with me. I knew that, I accepted it. But when she accused Diana of being a member of the Syndicate, I couldn't believe it she'd gone too far. When I went to Diana's apartment, it was to disprove Scully's theory rather than to prove anything to myself, although I 'd be lying if I said I'd had absolutely no doubts to dispel. I wonder now whether or not I sent Diana ahead subconsciously, knowing the fate that awaited her. Don't forget, I am the supposed A-class profiler and this case was a speciality of mine, so I should have known. Maybe I did know. It's done with now, anyway. Maybe I could have forged a future with Diana, had a family, settled down with a dog and a pair of slippers with a hole over the left big toe. Maybe not. Could I cause Scully that much pain? As much pain as she'd caused me with the two words that shattered my world, that I'd always figured would be "I'm leaving" or "I quit", and very nearly were, but were really "Oh brother". That's how simple it was an everyday phrase, tossed about meaninglessly, but after I'd heard it that one time, I had to remind myself to breathe. It was that simple. I wonder how different it would have been, if she'd responded differently or if I'd had the courage to mention it again, to prove to her that it was my heart talking and not the drugs being pumped constantly through the needle in my arm. I couldn't risk mentioning it again afterwards I'd be quite happy to rip my soul into tiny shreds by myself, thank-you very much, but to have Scully do it would be a little more self-induced torture than even I could take. Now I can't get Scully out of my mind. That's never been an easy task anyway, but recently I've been trying really hard. I'm not even angry or upset or desperate or anything like that any more, I'm just in love. And a fool. But she's my Scully I can't stay angry at her for very long. And I can still love her even if she doesn't love me back. It'll be like before, which was the most emotionally satisfying and happy time of my life, as dangerous as it was. But just because I've lost a lot of the danger doesn't mean that I'm going to lose Scully I can worship her from afar. It's not like I haven't had enough practice. After fighting to save her life all those times, even trading my own for hers she meant more to me than this mere mortal coil, and she still does, and I'm not going to lose her through my own stupidity, of all things. I'm thrown violently into a reverie, reviewing the last six years of Scully and the change she's made to my life. I pace around my dark apartment and curse as I trip over a stray shoe. I bring my hands up to steady my fall and I knock the radio on. I'm about to turn it off, but my hand freezes mid-air as the haunting chords wrap themselves around what's left of my heart. And then the words begin. *Look into my eyes And you will see What you mean to me. Search your heart Search your soul When you find me there you'll search no more. Don't tell me it's not worth trying for You can't tell me it's not worth dying for You know it's true Everything I do, I do it for you.* I hadn't even realised I was crying until I'm straining to hear the words over my choking sobs. But it's true, it's all true. Everything I do is for Scully and, well, I might as well say it, I love her, goddammit. She has to know. I have to tell her and if it kills me, it will have been worth it. She even told me herself once that everything she does is all for me, but she was quite pissed off at the time and it was more of an accusation than a declaration of love, but she still said it. And I am going to pursue it because I have to. Without her, there is no me. *Look into your heart You will find There is nothing left to hide Take me as I am Take my life I will give it up, I will sacrifice Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for. I can't help there's nothing I want more You know it's true Everything I do, I do it for you.* I had risked my life for her so many times, as she had risked hers for me. If that wasn't the ultimate proof then I don't know what is. I had shared everything with her more than even I knew I had. I had shared her experiences with her and we had grown as a result. I depend on her I crave her every second of every minute of every day. How had I been so wrong? *There is no love Like your love And no other could give me more There's no way unless you're there All the time, all the way.* I try to move, to put on some shoes so that I can go and see her as soon as the song is over. I know that I will not rest until this is sorted, and whether I'll be lying in her arms or a coffin is entirely her choice and one I'll be able to respect either way, but of course I'd prefer to sleep in her arms. But that's what it's come down to now it's her or nothing at all. But I can't move, I'm mesmerised by the hypnotic words of the song that tells my story our story. *Everything I do You can't tell me it's not worth trying for Just can't help it there's nothing in the world I want more Oh, I would die for you Yeah I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you Yeah I'd die for you. You know it's true Everything I do, I do it for you.* The final chords of the song ebb away and slowly I turn the radio off, my breathing shaky. I have truly heard an echo of my soul I love her. I need her. She is mine. I am hers. I pull on a sweater and as I reach the door handle I am startled by a timid knock coming from the hallway, our hallway. Three guesses who's on the other side? FIN "I was her, she was me We were young, we were free And if there's somebody calling me on, She's the one." You can deny yourself the truth, however you can never deny yourself the x-files.