From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 25 Feb 2002 17:59:59 -0000
Subject: Everything that you are by Jessica
Source: direct

Reply To: j_rothen@yahoo.se


Title: Everything that you are

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: MSR

Spoiler: None

Summary: Not given.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.

This life has thought me never to take anything for granted. 
It took along time for me to learn that. 
I kept on walking in to brick walls and I kept on getting 
my heart broken. 
So I finally gave up the thought of ever finding what I was
looking for. Once I used to dream about a love that you read
about. A love that was so great that even death couldn't hold
it back. I used to long for it, crave it. But then finally
reality hit. There was no such thing. I guess I have a hard
time learning, because it took many broken hearts until I
realized that it had just been dreams. So I gave up hoping 
for my one true love and settled with just someone nice. 
I didn't care whom, just someone that I could grow old with. 
I have never felt complete. Maybe that sounds sad, but 
it's the truth. My life is my job. I live for it. 
I breathe for it. I have given up so many things to get 
where I am today. Sometimes I believe that I sacrificed my 
heart somewhere along the way. Sometimes when I look back 
at my life it feels like I have missed so much. I haven't
got many friends. I can count them on one hand. I look at 
women in my age and I sometimes wish I could have what 
they have. They have a husband, a house and even kids. I
have my job. I have my career. But my career can't keep me
warm at night. I try to tell myself that this was my choice
in life and that I can't have it both ways. But I
feel so lost. I have found myself going nowhere. I'm so
alone. My heart ache in my chest when I think about 
everything I could have had. I know that these days a woman 
can have it both ways. But still it feels like I have missed 
my chance. I'm not young anymore. Just last
night I noticed some fine lines around my eyes. I want to 
fall madly in love. I want to dance at my wedding. 
I want to give birth and feel the joy of motherhood. 
I know, it's silly. I should know that you couldn't have it all.
But still I'm hoping, wishing for that one true love to
come knocking.

She's a beauty. She has this way about her that makes me 
feel warm all over. She has a smile that can light up a room.
I know I shouldn't think about her in that way. We are 
partners, friends. But I can't help it. She came into my
dreams last night. She was dressed as the angel she is. I
wanted to reach out and touch her put she slipped from my 
hand. I woke up feeling so calm and at peace. She gives me
that. She makes me feel safe. When she looks at me it feels
like I can do anything. I feel like I can fly if she just
is with me by my side. I know, it's silly. But I have never
felt like this. You might call it love. I don't know. I have
never been in love. The only thing I know is that she has
this tendency to touch my heart with just a smile. 

I have never thought of myself as weak. I have always been the 
strong one. I have always been the one people confide in. 
I have learned along time ago to never fear, to never let
them know how it hurt.
Someone said along time ago while they were running out the
door that I was an ice-queen. I know I might come across as
cold. But that's my mask. People tends back off when they 
talk to me. I don't what it is. I know I should be more 
forward. But that's not me. I like to sit back and watch, 
study the situation. Maybe that's cold. I don't know. 
I know, people say that the older you get the more you learn
about yourself. I'm not that young and I still feel lost 
sometimes. It feels like I'm stumbling through the world
with blinders on. I don't know me. I don't know if I will 
ever know who I really am.
Sometimes I look at the women in the magazines and wonder if
they ever have bad days. Do they stand in front of the mirror
and really hate what stares back at them? I think not. I like
to think of them as Gods, untouchable. I see their perfect
hair, their perfect cloths and their perfect bodies and I 
wonder what it would be like to be them. I wonder if he likes
women like that? Oh, I know, it's none of my business. I
bet he likes them blonde, long legs and big blue eyes. I have
always pictured Fox Mulder with a woman like that. That is
when I think about him. But it comes times when he manages to
enter my mind. It can be just for a moment or sometimes even
for a whole afternoon. O god, I usually don't daydream. But 
he has this way that keeps on pushing me out of balance. 
Since I stepped into his office I have felt it. He has this
energy that kind of rubes of on you. I love his hands. They
are so big and strong. I love when he puts his arms around
me. I feel so safe there, standing with my ear close to his
chest listening to his heartbeat. It feels like nothing can
ever harm me if I'm close to him. He has this smile that makes
me all warm inside. I love the way his mind works. I love that
he's never afraid to speak his mind. I know he can be a bite
weird sometimes. But I found him to the most interesting man
I have ever known. He's kind, funny and loyal. I trust him 
with my life. 
I look at him now and smile. We are on our way back home
after working on a case down in Georgia. I know we should have
taken a flight back home but I wanted to drive and he didn't
mind. It's getting darker now. I love driving in the dark.
The world seems smaller somehow. Like nothing exists besides
the people in the car. I listen as the rain falls at the roof
of the car and I rap myself in my coat. I feel so safe. I
even feel happy. I wish we could stay in this car forever.
Just driving around, him and me. 

I look at her and smile. She's so beautiful. I wonder if she
knows that. I guess not. She's sitting there beside me 
and she looks so fragile rapped in her own coat. The day is
coming to an end. I should be tired but it feels like I can
be up for hours. I look over at her and find her sleeping. 
Her face is so calm then. The sorry and the pain that has
marked her face are gone and she looks so calm. I want to
reach out and touch her. My hands screams out for it. I grab
a tighter hold of the steering-wheel and I say to myself to
keep my eye on the road. She's like one of those fairies I 
read about when I was a child. She's has this glow that draws
you in. I want to rap her in my arms and never let her go.
And that scares me. I would never survive if she would leave 
me. It would kill me. I could never ever rise after that.
I'm not built like that. So why put yourself through it? It's
better for all parts that I stay here on my side.
The sign of a motel pierce through the dark night. I turn
the car into the parking space and get out to get us two 
rooms for the night. I don't want to wake her. 
When I get back, keys in one hand, she's still sleeping. I
open the car door and whisper her name. I kneel down beside
her and brush back a strand of her hair. I can't believe that
my hands are shaking. It has stopped raining but the air has
still that special smell, clean. I lift her up in my arms and
I can't believe that she's still sleeping. She must be so 
tired. I feel dizzy holding her so close. She smells like
soap and strawberries. I close the car door with my foot and
carry her to her room. She's light as feather. I put her 
down on the bed and I gently remove her shoes. My heart
is racing in my chest. When I reach over to rap her in a
blanket she open her beautiful eyes and look straight at me.
It feels like I have been struck by lightning when she smiles
at me and ask me to stay with her. Her eyes is still heavy
when I lay down beside her. I tremble a bite when I put
my arms around her and pull her closer. She doesn't object.
I lay there listening to my own heartbeat. 

 I feel completely safe lying there with his arms around me.
I listen to his heartbeat and I wonder if he can hear my
own heart racing in my chest. He gives me so much. He gives
me strength, he gives me hope when the only thing I see is
darkness. I feel at peace when I'm close to him. I feel like
nothing ever could hurt me if we only stay together. 
- Are you cold? He whispers.
I smile in the dark and say:
- No. I'm never cold when you're with me.
Silence.
He pulls me closer and I feel his lips brushes my cheek. I
close my eyes and I know that this is what I want. This life,
with him in it. It can't be better than this. 
I turn around and face him. We lay there face to face just
inches apart without saying anything. I take his hand in mine
and place it over my heart. I look into his eyes and see a 
love I have longed for. 
- You have my heart. 
He closes his eyes and when he opens them again I can see tears
there. 
- And you have mine. 
We lay there while the light chases away the dark outside
our window. 
My travels have thought me one thing: never take 
anything for granted and love like would die tomorrow. 
I have blessed with a miracle in my life. I have been given
the gift of love and intend to keep it. 
I smile at him and when he kisses me I know one thing:
I finally found what I have been looking for:
a love even death would surrender to.
I'm home. 
Safe in the arms of my love.


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