From: "Diane" Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 16:59:41 -0400 Subject: submission Source: direct TITLE: Excerpts From A Journal AUTHOR: Croix D'Or RATING: PG-13 CATEGORY: MSR, Post Episode DISTRIBUTION: Where ever you like, unless you're using it as an example of what not to do. FEEDBACK: Sure, but please be nice, this is a first attempt. Furcoat @ bellatlantic.net SPOILERS: Season 7 SUMMARY: Skully keeps a journal while looking for Mulder. DISCLAIMER: Just borrowing the characters and situations, will make no profits from this, please don't sue me. On a prayer, in a song, I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on. The rain of doubt, against the wind, I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end When you come back to me again. Garth Brooks May 22,2000 7:46 PM I was never one of those little girls who love to play "dress up" and pretend to be princesses, fairies or brides. Even as a very young child I found such games silly and a waste of time. Somehow my brothers games of soldier, big game hunter or cowboys were easier to believe in and to go along with. On the rare occasions when Missy dragged me into one of her fantasy games and dressed me up in Mom's old dresses and jewelry I tried to humor her and get away as quickly as possible. Loosing myself in a book was more my idea of imaginary fun. Over the past seven years I have found myself in situations that not even my brothers in their wildest imaginary flights of fancy could have envisioned. Alien abductions, crashed UFOs, invisible zoo animals, invisible men and on and on. I have seen, heard and done things I could never have imagined before starting to work with you. I have tried to explain these things in scientific terms whenever possible and have denied and ignored those I could not explain. How do I explain the situation I now find myself in? I can almost see Melissa laughing with delight to see her little sister Dana, the sensible one, the level -headed one in this situation. For I now find myself the tragic heroine in a fairy tale. The princess who found her knight in shining armor and then lost him to the evil sorcerer or dragon. Only my knight wears a business suit, the enemy who has captured him is an alien spaceship, and I don't remember any fairy tales where the princess gets pregnant before the happily-ever-after ending. So Mulder , how are you going to get me out of this one? Should I be like Missy and believe that you will come riding up on a white horse and rescue me? How wonderful it would be to just let go like that and wait, trusting that everything will be fine and that there will be a happy ending to our story. But I'm still me and I still believe in science and hard work not fate and fairy tales. There is a fairy tale aspect to this whole thing that I have to believe in. I am pregnant, me the barren one. Just yesterday in the hospital I saw my baby, our baby, in black and white on the ultrasound screen. The blood and urine tests just weren't enough to convince me of the reality of my condition, but even I can't deny the evidence of the sonogram. I saw the minute speck of life that is growing into our child. I saw it's heart beating and it's tiny, jerky movements. How could this be? I pray that it was a normal occurrence, that perhaps some of my ova were missed during the harvest six years ago. I will have genetic tests done as soon as it's safe to do so to reassure myself that this is indeed our child, a normal human child and not the product of something done to me without my will or consent. I keep remembering those days I spent with the Smoking Man. How he undressed me and put me to bed one night at the cabin in Pennsylvania. How I hope that that is all he did. My pregnancy is a miracle but I don't think I would have the strength to allow it to continue if its product will not be an ordinary child. Was this child given to me to take your place in my life? Is this something that was planned by the Smoking Man and carried out with the help of Krychek? Please God let that not be so. Let this be a happy accident. Please let this child growing in me be a gift from You, half of me and half of him. May 24,2000 8:15 PM They released me from the hospital today. I'm under strict Doctors' orders to rest, eat well and avoid stress. Sure, no problem there. Yesterday I had to tell my Mother that I'm pregnant. I think she always expected to hear that from Melissa but it was a shock coming from me. She says she is happy for me since I thought I was unable to have children and that of course she will love her grandchild but I can see the disappointment in her eyes. She raised me to be a good, sensible girl. Not an unwed mother who doesn't even know where the father of her baby is. She wasn't surprised to hear who the father is and said that she always knew there was something between us and hoped that it would lead to a permanent relationship. Mulder was this abduction just a way for you to weasel out of helping me explain this to Mom? I'll be staying with Mom for a few days until we're sure the fainting is over. Then I'm going back to work. I have to find you. No way am I going to go through this alone. You have to be here to experience everything with me, the good and the bad. We made this baby together; we're going to have it together. June 29, 2000 8:30 PM I've been back a work for almost three weeks now. The dizzy spells have subsided to occasional, mild vertigo, no more fainting and no nausea. I'm feeling surprisingly well. AD Skinner and the Gunmen treat me like I'm made of glass and make sure that I don't miss any meals. Next week my Doctors will perform a chorionic villius sampling procedure to determine the parentage and genetic makeup of the baby. I'm terrified and excited by turns. I want to know for sure that the baby is yours and mine but so afraid that it won't be. What will I do if it turns out to be an alien hybrid or maybe the product of my egg and someone else's sperm? I want to be a mother but don't think I could carry such a child to term. I couldn't live with hating the contents of my womb but was raised to believe that abortion is wrong. I'm afraid that I would become physically and emotionally ill to the point of letting myself die in order to avoid bearing such a child. Where are you when I need you so badly? I have become so used to relying on your strength and now when I need it the most you aren't here. I have to believe that the baby inside me is a normal one, mine and yours, that way I can get through this without you. There have been no leads, no clues to tell us where to begin looking for you. I keep remembering something that you said to me in the woods in Oregon. You said that the abductions were not ordinary ones, that the abductees weren't coming back. How did you come to this conclusion? What evidence did you see to make you believe that? It wasn't until after you left for Oregon that I found the common link among the abductees from Bellefleur and you. The abnormal brain function you suffered from last year was also noted in the people missing from Bellefleur. What this means I can only speculate. If, as suggested by evidence I saw in Africa, the aliens were the original inhabitants of earth, this could possibly make them our genetic ancestors. Maybe the cerebral storms you and the other Oregon abductees experienced indicate a closer link to the aliens than the rest of us have. What kinds of things are they doing to you Mulder? What do they hope to learn from you and the others. Will they return you to earth when they finish? These are questions I have no hope of answering without your help. Help me Mulder. July 7,2000 2:45 PM The CVS was performed yesterday a simple, slightly unpleasant procedure. Now there is just the waiting. As a doctor I know that such things can't be rushed. As the patient I want instant answers. It will be 2-3 weeks before the results are available. In the meantime the baby continues to grow within me. I find myself daydreaming about a little boy or girl with my hair and your eyes. It will be a Christmas baby our gift to each other. It must be the hormones but I seem to be getting very sentimental and emotional. I hope I don's turn into one of those pregnant women who burst into tears at the slightest provocation. The physical changes will be embarrassing enough. So far only Mom, Skinner and the gunman know. When I start to show the whole FBI will know. I can only imagine the speculation that will go on as to the identity of the father. Your absence has been explained as an out of town assignment of unknown duration. There is enough gossip about that to keep the water cooler crowd busy. The most popular story is that you finally went too far when you hit the auditor and were transferred to Juno, Alaska. The talk is that I wasn't sent with you as part of the punishment. Once my condition is known that story won't stand up. Even the FBI wouldn't separate a family. Will we be a family someday Mulder? When, I refuse to say if, you come back will the three of us have a life together like normal people? I hope so. You know I've wanted a normal life, at least some of the time. How will you feel about that? Will you find it restricting and prefer the freedom you've had in the past or will the idea appeal to you? I have a dream Mulder. A dream that you will come back and look at me and our baby and see the answer you have been seeking all these years. Come back to me Mulder and see the truth, the truth of my love for you, the truth of our child, the truth of the life we can build together. But, even if you can't see that truth, come back anyway to live whatever life you choose. Just come back. July 26,2000 9:18 PM Today when the doctor called with the CVS results I was tempted to tell him I didn't want to hear them. I didn't know until then just how afraid I have been that the child within me is of unnatural origin. Our baby is normal Mulder, normal, healthy, the product of my genes and yours. I asked the doctor not to tell me the sex of the baby. Some things should be a surprise. I've been sitting here since I hung up with the doctor. It's been hours I guess since my apartment is getting dark now. I can't seem to do anything but sit here with my hands on my abdomen thinking about the child resting there. Now I can let the baby be real to me now that I know that he or she is my own child not some alien creature or other unthinkable occurrence. Those few times we came together as lovers have borne fruit. (I told you I'm getting sappy and sentimental) That aspect of our relationship was so new, so fragile, we hadn't even spoken of it yet. That first night, when I held you and comforted you after your Mother's death it seemed so natural to comfort you in that way, to help you lose yourself for a short while and assure you of my love for you. Afterwards neither of us felt the need to speak about it. That has never been our way. It didn't really surprise me that we went on after that as if nothing had changed between us. A night of mourning is not a good starting point for a new relationship. Our next joining arose from anger and fear after I returned from my trip with the Smoking Man. You could barely bring yourself to look at me but were unable to leave my apartment that night. I thought you would yell and throw things but instead you pulled me to you and made love to me as though I was the most precious thing in the world to you. I cried when I awoke to find you gone in the morning. And we still haven't talked about it. There have been only a few other times when we made love and each one was beautiful. I have never been made to feel so beautiful, so special, so important. I hope I made you feel the same way Mulder. I hope I told you that I love you. I know I said it in my mind, I'm not so sure that I said it out loud. When you get back I promise to tell you every day. I just want to crawl into your arms and never let go. August 16,2000 10:15 PM The baby moved today. OK I know it's been moving all along but today I felt it move and knew that that's what it was. Just a small fluttery feeling that couldn't have been caused by anything else. It was one of the most incredible things I've ever experienced. Unfortunately I was in a meeting in Skinner's office at the time and must have gotten a really strange expression on my face because everyone in the room stopped talking to look at me. Since no one except Skinner knows about the baby yet I had to think fast and say that I had a cramp in my leg. I'm not sure anyone believed it but the meeting went on. You know how these things are. Reports on crime rate predictions versus actual crime rates, financial status by department and on and on. It seemed like hours before I could escape to our office and call my mother. She has been so supportive and helpful Mulder. Her initial dismay over my condition has disappeared and she is truly happy and excited to be sharing this time with me. Frohike and Langley have just returned from Oregon. We had heard reports of more young people missing from the Bellefleur area. Unfortunately these turned out to be just a group of high school kids who took off on a three-day hike without letting anyone know. They turned up safe and sound. How I wish you would just walk out of the woods one day and call me Mulder. Please come back and call me. September 8, 2000 8:45 PM I can no longer hide my condition from the people at work. None of my clothes fit any more. I know I've been extraordinarily lucky to have been able to go this long without being obviously pregnant but it's over now. I have to do some shopping tomorrow. I have over heard a few comments about how I seem to be gaining weight but no one seems to suspect the truth. I am bigger on top and have a small potbelly but haven't gained any actual fat so far. The doctor says that both the baby and I are healthy and progressing well. The gunmen have been in touch with Mufon groups around the country and have gotten reports of the disappearances of several known abductees. They were able to get (I have learned not to ask how) the medical records of these individuals. All contained reports of cerebral storms much like what you and the others in Bellefleur experienced. Oh Mulder, how I wish I knew what is happening to you, where you are, how you are being treated. When will you come back to me? What condition will you be in when you do return? But none of this is helping me to find you. I have been going over the files from my trip to Africa in the hope that something in there will be helpful in finding you and the others. Having to translate the writings copied from the ship from Navaho into English makes the work slow. I am keeping at it and finding much that is fascinating but so far nothing that has lead to a starting point for our search. Much of the information that was engraved on the ship deals with genetics and what we call religious texts. It would seem that either the aliens are the source of our ancient religious beliefs and myths or that both of our races have a common mythology base. Some time in the future I would like to have the time to thoroughly study these files. For now, though, I am skimming them in the hopes of finding something that will lead us to you and the others. September 21, 2000 9:45 PM Langley has performed a miracle and written a program that automatically translates the alien text into English. This has made the work much faster and easier but we are no closer to finding an answer. The ancient Navaho legends speak of a man who will come to save mankind from extinction but the references are so vague and clouded in mythology that it is impossible to extract any usable information from them. Have the aliens given up on their plan to extinguish human life from the earth? What are their plans for our planet now? Are they studying you and the others in the hope of finding a way for our races to coexist here? Or maybe they have removed you and the others who experienced abnormal brain function in order to prevent you from informing the rest of humanity of their plans. If this is the case wouldn't they have simply killed those they saw as threats to them? Why bother to study a species soon to be made extinct? But if I let myself think like this I'll get nothing done and depress myself to the point of tears. I have to believe that you will come back, that you will be fine. There is a way to find you, to help you return and we will find it. October 10,2000 11:15 am Theresa Hosey is back. Yesterday she walked into her father's house in Bellefleur, Oregon, alive and well. She asked her father to call me at the FBI to let me know that everyone who was taken will be returned eventually. AD Skinner and I are flying out to Oregon this afternoon to see her. Fortunately my FBI and medical credentials along with the fact that I don't look seven months pregnant have overridden the airlines rule about women in the last trimester flying. Mulder I can hardly wait to see you. October 12, 2000 8:00 am Skinner and I spoke at length with Theresa Hosey yesterday. She is healthy and says that there were no physical tests done on her or on the other abductees. All testing was on mental functions and, while tiring, was not painful in anyway. She was surprised to find that her memories of the past months were left intact when she was returned and says that she was told by the aliens that her husband and the others will be returned as the tests on them are completed. She told me that she felt no animosity from the aliens this time and that they were more careful of the comfort of the captives than in her previous abductions. Of course her memories of past experiences are fragmentary and vague so it is hard to know how much of this might be true. I find myself taking comfort in her statements though, needing to believe her for my own peace of mind. She said that some of the people who were taken with her spent a great deal more time in the testing rooms than others. She feels that those who were tested for longer periods of time will be the last to be returned and you Mulder were one of those tested the most. The gunmen have arrived and set up their laser location equipment in the area of the forest where Theresa said she was returned. This is very close to the place where you were taken from. So far they have found nothing but none of us really expected that they would. We can only wait. October 17, 2000 8:30 PM Today twelve people who have been missing since the end of May walked out of the forest and into town. They all told stories almost identical to that of Theresa Hosey. They say that there are still eight more abductees being held by the aliens and that these will all be returned within the next few weeks. Mulder I feel like a child waiting for Santa to arrive. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, to be sensible and tell myself that this may all be a mass hallucination but cannot completely put aside the feeling of almost giddy anticipation. Will you be the next one to walk out of the forest? Will I hold you in my arms tomorrow or the next day? I'm afraid to let myself believe that this is going to happen, my emotional state is so volatile these days and I don't want to give Skinner and the gunmen any more cause to worry about me. October 19,2000 10:10 PM I have had time to interview the returned abductees on an individual basis. Their stories are similar in nature but individual enough to tell me that they were not simply hypnotized or drugged and given the same false memories to bring home with them. Each has some personal memories that are different from any of the others. The focus of the testing done on these people was not of a physical nature. The aliens seem to have been concerned this time solely with the mental and emotional abilities of their captives. According to the people I spoke to the aliens seemed surprised to learn that humans are capable of extrasensory perceptions such as telepathy. This would mean that the aliens did not cause the abnormal brain functions suffered by you and by these others, at least not purposely. This means that you were probably right to think that your illness was caused by the rubbing of the writing from the ship I found in Africa. The aliens may not have suspected that at least some humans were capable of reacting to these writings. This would bear out the theory that they are our distant ancestors. Some remnants of their capabilities still exist in our genetic make up, closer to the surface in some of us than in others. Of course you would be one of those so affected. It is interesting that most of the returned abductees felt that the aliens were also very interested in their emotional sides. Several of the people I spoke to told me that they thought that the aliens were incapable of the deeper emotions and found them incomprehensible in us. They told me that it seemed that emotion was seen as a weakness, the mark of an unevolved, lower species. This was something that had been noted by the majority of the abductees in the past. Most of these people told me that they had a different feeling this time. They felt that the aliens had developed a new interest in human emotions and interactions and that perhaps they had a new perception of us as a result. One gentleman theorized that the aliens might now wonder if emotion is strength rather than a weakness as it gives us purpose and a will to fight for survival. Most of the returnees expressed surprise at their release. They stated that at the time of the abductions they had the strong impression that they would not be returning to earth, that this would be a permanent abduction. I know that this was your feeling also Mulder. I wonder what changed the minds of your captors. Could it be that they learned something about the human species that made them less sure of their right to use us for their own purposes? Have they come to perceive us as more than zoo animals or insects now? I hope that you will be able answer these questions for me when you return. October 27,2000 8:15 PM Five more people have been returned. They tell us that only you, Ray Hosey and Billy Miles remain with the aliens and that all but one of you will be released. The aliens intend to keep one person as a permanent object of study. Those released were told freely that the alien discovery of the power of emotion has changed their plans for the earth. They no longer feel free to take the planet from us, destroying the majority of our species. Evidently they feel that our race and theirs evolved from a common root but developed in differing directions. In the past they felt superior, having developed a higher intellect, great mental and physical powers and advanced technology. They felt that we were intellectually inferior having evolved into an emotional race with no extrasensory or shape shifting abilities. Now it is felt that our intellectual powers are still in the development stage and that our emotional side may eventually cause us to be a superior species. Therefore they will leave us to develop on our own and study us from afar. I don't know how much of this I believe but I must tell you that I hope it is true. I also can't help praying that, whoever is chosen as the one they keep, you will be one that comes back. I keep thinking back to the time several years ago when you traveled to Canada with the shape shifter Jeremiah Smith. When we spoke of this after your return you told me that Smith had told you that the aliens feared the power of human love. That he and others like him felt that our love made us better than them, stronger and more worthy of survival. Is this the subject of the current study by the aliens? Do they fear us in some small way? If it means that they will leave us in peace I truly hope so. November 2, 2000 07:30 am Ray Hosey came back last night. He told us that the aliens made it clear that he was returned because of his ties to his wife and child. He said that Theresa's distress over her separation from her baby was the reason that she was returned to earth ahead of anyone else. The aliens had never experienced that type of emotion before. They had no way of understanding it but it made her useless as a test subject as she was not able to concentrate on anything but her desire to see her baby again. Deputy Hosey told me that he had a strong inner feeling that this was the last abduction, that none of these people will be taken again. He believes that the aliens truly mean to leave our race in peace to evolve naturally. I sensed a deep peace in him and pray that he is right. While I have always had reservations about believing that aliens were invading earth I would be very willing to believe that they are gone, never to return. Seeing Theresa and Ray Hosey reunited with their child made me long all the more for you to come back to me and our baby Mulder. Please be the one who is released. It seems callous to say it but Billy Miles has no one to return to. His parents are dead, no siblings, a failed marriage. I shouldn't wish for him to spend the rest of his life with the aliens but am selfish enough to pray with all my strength for it to be so if it means that you will be released. December 22, 2000 01:45 am It has been almost two months since you walked out of the Oregon forest and into my arms. Of course I immediately fainted leaving AD Skinner to explain my condition to you. The expression of joy and wonder on your face when I awakened was all I had longed for during your absence. I still remember it clearly, as I look at you sleeping beside me now. You confirmed all that Ray Hosey had told us of the alien's intentions to leave earth in peace. Billy Miles had insisted upon being the one who remained in alien custody. You told me that he suspected our feelings for each other and said that, as he had no family, it was his place to remain on the ship. You said that you felt that he truly wanted to stay, that he felt it is where he belongs and that he will be making a contribution to the alien civilization and toward helping the human race. I pray for Billy every day. The explanation that the aliens gave you for the end of their colonization plans for earth is essentially the one I pieced together from what I was told by the other returned abductees. Our race and theirs had both evolved from "seeds" strewn about the galaxy by a very advanced race. We obviously evolved in very different ways. The gray aliens developed a highly technological civilization with great mental and physical powers while we became more emotional and grounded in the earth. The scientific and religious writings on the ship I found in Africa were from the original race. The grays used them but did not really understand the references to emotions as powerful forces in shaping races and worlds. Now, it seems they feel that they should study these things in order to complete the evolution of their race into a more complete one much like the original race we all came from. I'm afraid that this is all a bit too much for me to take in right now. Maybe some day I will return to my study of the writings from the ship. I know that this explanation pleases you greatly and that you feel deep inside that it is true. As your instincts in these matters have always been proven to be accurate I expect that this is all true. I am so glad for you Mulder because I know how much all of this means to you but, right now, I have more important things on my mind. My labor pains began nearly six hours ago. Until now the contractions have been mild and far apart but that is changing. I'll hold your child in my arms before another day goes by. I have all that I could ever have wished for. You are back, you are healthy and whole and you are mine. I wear your wedding ring and we are making plans for a life together as normal as possible for us. I have never seen you as peaceful and happy as you have been in the past six weeks. Your work at the FBI is now more a job than an obsession although you still throw all of yourself into it when necessary. I hope to return to working with you, at least part time, after the baby comes but for now I am happy to have your intensity focused on me in a personal way. One day I may let you read this journal of our time apart. I thought I was keeping it for you but now I think that I wrote it for myself, to help me remain focused and strong in my attempt to find you. It has served that purpose. The increasing frequency of my uterine contractions tells me that I will soon have to wake you for the trip to the hospital. I know that you will scold me for not letting you know the instant they began but I want you to be well rested for this event and I love to watch you sleep. After so many years of insomnia you now have no problems sleeping. I tell you that it is because you needed me beside you and you agree with me. But really I know it is because your heart and soul are now at peace with the resolution of the alien troubles and your knowledge of your sister's fate. I too am now at peace inside myself. A lot of this is due to the resolution of your problems but it is also because of the child I carry and the fact that you told me that the aliens answered a personal question for you before letting you go. They told you that there will be no return of my cancer. The microchip in my neck has, according to them, corrected all physical abnormalities within my body. I can remove it if I wish but it won't cause me any harm if let in place. I didn't realize how much I worried about that until it was unnecessary. You and I both feel that this is why I was able to conceive. The chip would have corrected my lack of ova. Now I am free to live my life like a normal woman. And with you as my husband I don't have to worry about getting bored. Rest well, my love, I'm going to have to wake you very soon, your Christmas gift is on the way.