From:             shinkai@mlode.com (Susan Shinkai)
Subject:          Completed story: Exchanging Vows (1/1)
Date sent:        Fri, 3 Oct 1997 07:37:28 -0700

Title : Exchanging Vows
Author : Shinkai
E-mail Address: shinkai@mlode.com
Rating :G
Classification : V
Spoilers : Demons
Keywords :  M/S friendship
Summary :  A scene of what could have  happened after Mulder fired the gun
at the end of the episode Demons.  The agents try to come to terms with
what are the limits of their relationship.

Author's Note:  SHIPPER's and NOROMO's  WELCOME ! This mood piece is a
departure from what I normally write.   Inspired by a recent viewing of
several  key X-files mythology episodes and  events in my personal life
regarding personal committement, this story attempts to reflect the need
for expectations in a relationship.  Unspoken words and promises made in
the heat of the moment cannot ease the restless heart.  "I want to believe"
will not sustain a partnership.  At some point, you must say "I do
believe."
	
Disclaimer:  The characters and situation depicted in this story are not
the legal property of the author or her agents. This use is not intended to
be an infringement on the rights of the legal owners.  Use and distribution
of  this story is for entertainment purposes only.


EXCHANGING  VOWS

The other agents and law enforcement people had left.  The room was quiet
and still just as it had been  moments before. Before the shots rang out
into the silence.  Shots that attempted to exorcise his demons.   Shots
that fired uselessly into dead walls, their healing powers lost in the
light of  reason.  There was no exorcism, only emptiness.  

Then she came to him, not to fill the void but to reassure him that there
was a world beyond it.  His desperate vision had been narrowed by his need
for the truth and his need to understand why he searched for it at all
costs.  But the truth was not forth coming and there was still tomorrow to
deal with.  That's all she wanted to do for him. To  help him survive his
tomorrow.  And for now, it was enough.

Agent Dana  Scully had held a sobbing Fox Mulder as she quietly told the
other officers that she would take responsibility for  him, that he was no
longer a danger to himself or others.  They had left without comment,
waiting to express their opinions until they were far out of ear shot from
either agent.

"He's  insane."
"She could have been killed."
"She must be in love with him, or something."
"Next time, we'd all be better off if he just shot himself."
"Don't jump to conclusions. We don't know the whole story."

Mulder said nothing for a very long time.  He was still kneeling on the
floor, his face pressed into her abdomen, his arms gripped around her.  She
was his only link to a world that seemed to hate his very existence.
Nothing made sense, nothing was real, nothing had purpose.  But there she
was.  Like always.  The one real thing he could count on, despite his
doubts and suspicions. Overcoming her fears and apprehension, she always
risked herself, the very soul of herself, for him.  Always.

"Scully?' he whispered.
She eased the gentle embrace that held her partner's head.  She waited for
him to look at her but he held her tighter instead.  He still needed the
touch of a caring human to quiet his tormented psyche.  She pressed his
head and shoulders softly against her again and spoke just as softly "Are
you all right Mulder?"
"No." he answered tightly.  Then he added in a more animated voice "But I
don't think I've ever really been 'all right'."
Scully smiled slightly, relieved to hear the normalcy return to his voice. 
"What now, partner?" she asked.
"Can we just stay here?  Just for a few more minutes." he asked, just on
the edge of  pleading.
"As long as you need, Mulder." She rocked him slightly help calm his
trembling body.  

A few more minutes passed and he finally spoke again.  "Scully, how many
times have you had to stare down the barrel of a gun I was pointing at
you?" His voice quivered but each word was clear.
She thought for a moment and replied, with her own sound of regret.  "About
as many times as you had to stare down the barrel of a gun I was pointing
at you."
"Yeah but you actually shot me." he mused.
"But you deserved it." she quipped back.
His small chuckle let Scully know he was really going to be all right.  He
continued to reflect and to rememeber.  "Seriously, wasn't  the first time
at the Icy Cape?"
Her face looked away from him for a second "I remember.  I never would have
drawn my weapon if those other people weren't there..."
"Why do you think I pulled out the gun in the first place?" A hint of anger
tainted his words.  Realizing that wasn't what he intened, he spoke again
in tones of longing and compassion.  "I wanted so much to trust you,
Scully.  And to protect you."
Now her voice turned hard and more direct.  "Aiming  a loaded weapon at my
head wasn't the best way to express yourself."
He shrugged " I was desperate."
The softness returned to her voice.  "Like today?"

He pulled her close and started to cry, again.  "I'm sorry.  At least part
of my brain still knows what's best for it and fired at the wall instead. 
What possessed me to point the gun at you...."
She stroked his hair, trying to soothe away the welling panic.  "Mulder ,
you've been seriously affected by this 'treatment'.   You can't blame
yourself for your actions."

He pulled his head back to look at her.  Her caring eyes comforted him but
also forced him to face his own special demons.  The ones he put in his own
head.  "Why, Scully?  Why am I so driven to find the answers?  And why do
you stay with me?"
"They're my answers too, Mulder." she reminded him. "I think we're bound to
the vows we made when we joined the FBI and to the silent vows we made to
our families -yours  to Sam and your father, mine to Missy and my father."

"What about us?" he asked with concern.
"What about us?" she echoed, unsure of what he meant. "We're partners,
looking for the same answers."
"Maybe we should exchange vows?" he replied seriously.  
She just stared back him and said dryly   "If that was some kind of
proposal of marriage , I think you're a lot sicker than you realize."
He smiled back knowing she wasn't teasing him but just wanted to know what
the hell he was thinking.  "Not those kinds of vows.  But we are partners. 
Enough people think we're already married or having an affair."
Taken back by his remark, she shot a rueful glance at him. "What people?"
she asked with disdain.
"People.  In the office, out on the street.  You know..." he replied
casually.
The thought of such ideas truly bothered her  and she wanted him to feel
just as offended.  "No, I don't know.  Is there some kind of rumor mill
circulating lies about us?"
He shook his head with a smile. "No, it's just the way we're both so
obsessed by our work, the way we work together, the way we argue, I've got
your key, you've got mine, ...."
Relenting to his logic, she responsed  "All right I can see why some people
might draw the wrong conclusions.  But what did you mean about exchanging
vows?"
"We're partner because the FBI said we are.  But even after they split us
up, we were still partners."
 "Bound by purpose and necessity."  She completed his thought. " So what's
your point?"
"Let me finish." His hold on her relaxed and became more of a caress. She
did the same without realizing it. "You're holding me close to you right
now.  Comforting me in my time of pain.  Just like I did for you when you
discovered your cancer or when Melissa died.  Are these the only things
that bind us together?  The  search of the Truth and the need for a
sympathetic shoulder to cry on?"
"I don't Mulder.  Is it?"  she reflected openly.  
"I don't think so." he replied immediately.  His voice sounded more
confident and steady.  " If I had choose between all the answers to all my
questions and your life, I'd choose your life."
"You'd be motavated by guilt.  And the belief that you can still find the
answers on your own."  Scully rationalized. "If you were confronted with
the choice between Samantha and me, I know you'd have to pick Samantha. I
would understand if you  did."
"I already made the choice once." he whispered, remembering the pain of 
that moment.
"It was a clone and you knew it." she observed.
Shaking off her rebuttal and centering his focus, he continued. "That's why
I want to exchange vows, make a promise to each other.  So we never have to
doubt what our intentions are."
"A promise doesn't make it so."  she argued
"It's a start." he countered.
"Haven't we said everything we need to say to each other before?" 
"Not like this.  Not an exchange.  Things have only been promised when the
other needed to hear it, for reassurance and comfort.  Never as  an
affirmation.  Never as a vow." The serious tone of his voice expressed his
urgency.
"Do you really feel this is necessary?" she asked as a final check of his
resolve.
"Things are only going to get worst from here.  We have more questions than
we did  4 years ago.  We're still fighting for your life against the
cancer.  My head is full of memories I'm not even sure are my own. Yes, I
think we need this if we're going to stay partners." 
"I guess it is a little like a couple that is living together when they
decide to get married.  At some point, they just need to hear the words, to
take time to make the promise, to know it's real and meaningful."
"Yeah but we don't have to file a joint IRS return." he joked, breaking the
tension slightly.
"Thank God for small favors.  I really do think it's a good idea.  Maybe we
can avoid some of the misunderstanding we've had in the past.  So what's
next?"
"We need a little time. A week.  Write your promise to me, and I'll write
mine to you and we'll exchange them in week."
"Where?"
"At 'our' bench by the the Reflecting  Pool.  It's where the partnership we
choose for ourselves started."


A week later , just before sunset, the two partners met at their bench. 
They each carried a small piece of paper with words neatly printed upon
them.  As they read their own  vows to each other, a  special quiet fell
over the entire area, a  solemn moment recognized by those around them.  
At the conclusion of the unique ceremony, the partners embraced to seal the
pact.  It was not the gratuitous hug of mere friends or the passionate
clinging of lovers but the physical expression of  the sharing of souls. 

 The setting sun and the cloak of night  that followed bore witness to the
exchange, holding them to their promises in lightness and in dark, on Earth
and beyond,  in life and in death until the Truth and the Answers were
known.  Slowly, the Partners separated and sought their own ways home, each
carrying the vows of the other on a piece of paper and in their heart.

END
__________________________________________________________

I chose not to write their vows for others to read.  We all know what they
would promise for each other - loyalty, honesty, trust, and so forth - but
only they (in the form of Chris Carter) know how deep those promises run
and to what lengths they are willing to express them.

Any and all comments are welcome.  Please foward to shinkai@mlode.com