From: spooky42@juno.com Subject: *NEW* "Exhuming Potatoes" (1/1) Date: Tue, 03 Jun 1997 03:29:04 EDT xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Exhuming Potatoes" written by GreenFish and Nessie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx INTRO: Intro? We don't need no stinkin' intro... actually, if you're us, you really do, because we are so insane, we need some place to do some babbling... anyway-- it's me (the Fishwoman, herself), and I'm stealing Nessie's text from an e-mail she sent me. You might get it as you go along, but most likely, not. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx DISCLAIM: Hey-- we don't belong to anybody! I mean, we used to, but nobody wanted to take us... go 'figger... DISTRIBUTE: To Funny Farms across the nation. RATING: Uhhhhhh... PG... for general scariness. CONTENT/SPOILER: Not much content, spoilers-- beware of spoiled potatoes. Boiled ones are okay, but spoiled ones can be kinda gross. And you should know, if you carry raw potatoes around with you all the time, they *will* get spoiled. ARCHIVE: V; H SUMMARY: The Spookster and Nessles discover how no one really understands them... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Exhuming Potatoes" (part 1/1) -Some house in Sturminster... England- MULDER: Uh... we're exhuming-- your potato. NESSLES: 'Your potato!' It's-- uh... huh huh huh... a *potato!* Hey-- did anyone catch that? ANNA: Duh, Helen. You're just insane! No one really CARES about you, or your stupid potatoes... I mean, I'm excited about 'Small Potatoes,' but not *that* excited. NESSLES: Anna, you're ruining the whole illusion! THE MUM PERSON: Kids! Would you get in here, and get something to eat? NESSLES AND ANNA: Yeah, mum... NESSLES: What's for dinner? MUM: Scalloped potatoes and ham. ANNA: Oh no... NESSLES: Did you just say... potatoes? -Meanwhile, in some house in St. Charles, IL... MULDER: I don't think there's anything here but.. small potatoes. SPOOKSTER: Ahhh! 'Small potatoes!' That's sooo funny! Ooh-- I have to listen to that again! MULDER: I don't think there's anything here but... small potatoes. SPOOKSTER: Ahhh! TINA: Uh... Nora? Deja vu? SPOOKSTER: Hmm? What did you just say? I didn't hear you. TINA: I said, deja vu? That's like, the sixtieth time this morning that you've played that stupid thing. SPOOKSTER: Fortieth, actually. Two more times, and I'll get to forty-two! TINA: Oooh-- forty-two! Mulder's apartment number! SPOOKSTER: That's not all it means... TINA: No-- it's just that you have it everywhere. Everything relates to forty-two... will you ever get over it? SPOOKSTER: Doubtful. Do you, uh... mind? TINA: No, no, no... MOM PERSON: Tina! Would you get over here and bring your potato chips downstairs? SPOOKSTER: PO-TA-TO...chips? TINA: Oh God, Nora... get *over* it! I'm COMING, mom! -Back in England, again- MULDER: ... were abducted. SCULLY: Kidnapped. MULDER: Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to. NESSLES: D-ahhhh! That's soooo cool! I have to play that again! MULDER: Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to... (meanwhile, in the room directly next to Nessles) MUM: I'm really worried about her, Joe. It seems that she's completely becoming distorted by this whole potatoes thing. DAD: What potatoes thing? MUM: Hon-- the entire-- haven't you noticed how Helen won't stop talking about potatoes? And how everything revolves around it? And how every time you mention something having to do with it, she'll start laughing... just like Yogi Bear, to make it no less! DAD: I guess she has been acting sort of odd... most of the weirdness usually happens later at night... MUM: Yes, Joe. After she gets off the computer at night! I think she's been talking to some odd people... DAD: Helen's always gotten into things that way, you know... MUM: True. But what about the fact that she keeps watching those two X-Files episodes over and over again... and then she'll get on the computer. I've noticed that she'll do two things. DAD: Get on my Real Time program... MUM: ...to watch that one preview... DAD: Or check the e-mail... MUM: ... Exactly. So you *have* noticed the pattern! DAD: Uhmmm... yes, but I just thought it was her getting a little buggy. I didn't think she was actually... MUM: I think we should make a phone call. -Back in St. Charles, once again- MR. VAN BLUNDHT: And I said, you'll never be anything but small potatoes, son... NORA: Uh HUH HUH HUH...! MOM: What's up with that laugh, Tina? TINA: I don't know. She keeps doing it-- and it's even more *annoying* than her normal laugh... which is so annoying, Mom! MOM: She's been acting strange ever since... ...well, the first time she had all her friends over that one time... TINA: You mean, to watch the X-Files? MOM: Yeah. I don't know, but, ever since then... TINA: No kidding. Did you see her the other night when you made baked potatoes? She said something like, "These potatoes are so small! Eh-- the smaller the better!" or something stupid like that, and then she started screaming... MOM: I remember her screaming, but I didn't know why she was. TINA: It's because of that stupid potato joke she has... she only told me it had something to do with some friend of hers on the computer. DAD: Nora's been spending way too much time on that computer, anyhow... MOM: Larry, I'm beginning to worry about her. She's really been acting strange lately. NORA: AHHHH! Those are some nice... potatoes... you have there, Mulder! TINA: See? There she goes with that stupid laugh again! MOM: Does that, uh... remind you of something? MARTY: Hey-- Yogi Bear! Is that on TV now? MOM: Marty, stop! There's something wrong with Nora... we don't want you going in there... MARTY: Something wrong with her? What's wrong? TINA: She's acting like a psycho Chuckie... DAD: Terry, I think we should make a phone call... -Washington D.C., one week later- DR. KOSSOFF: I'm really glad that both of you contacted me. I think you both have good reason to be worried about both of the girls... they might perhaps have addiction problems. It's just odd that they are both addicted to the same thing... did you say that they're in contact with each other? TERRY: Over the computer, yes. JOE: We just... didn't understand how these whole thing could have become as blown out of proportion as it did. I mean, they only correspond through e-mails... LARRY: I noticed that Nora spent a lot of time on there, but we didn't think it was going to come to that. DR. KOSSOFF: Well, I wouldn't worry... they'll be in good hands with me. Let me go in, and speak to the girls... NESSLES: Did you happen to notice the name of the counsellor here, Fishface? SPOOKSTER: Looked like her name was Kossoff. That rung a bell, or something... NESSLES: Yeah, like some distant memory, or something that you think you should remember, but well... SPOOKSTER: Eh, Nessle Monster... nothing else matters but... ... the POTATOES! NESSLES: Right, right. And speaking of... SPOOKSTER: You're right-- she does look familiar... I thought I just saw her... NESSLES: Naw, I haven't seen her for a long time... but I know I've seen her... DR. KOSSOFF: I probably look familiar because I'm world- renowned for my work with addiction problems. And it's obvious that, uhmm... SPOOKSTER: Yeah? DR. KOSSOFF: Now... I understand you two girls have a- erm- *small* problem.. NESSLES: Um- yeah.. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It's these- um--- these- SPOOKSTER: *POTATOES!!!!* AHHHHHHHHHH YES!!!!!!!!!!!! EH HEH HEH HEH!!!! NESSLES: We just-- hahahaha- we--- OOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... DR. KOSSOFF: That's... *potatoes,* you say? NESSLES and SPOOKSTER: YEAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! A- HA HA HA!!! NESSLES: We just can't get enough of them.... SPOOKSTER: You don't understand do you?? Oh...... You're just like our mothers.. NESSLES: Yeah. They don't understand *either*. DR. KOSSOFF: Understand what, dears? NESSLES: The- the- the- the- POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U- HUH HUH HUH SPOOKSTER: Hey Ness- Ness- Nessles... do we like biiiiig potatoes or... *SMALL* potatoes???!!!!! SPOOKSTER and NESSLES: HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NESSLES: Hey Spooks.. where'd she go? SPOOKSTER: I dunno.. think we scared her a bit? NESSLES: Nah.. she's a counsellor. We're not that scary with this potato thing.. are we?????????? -Somewhere, several miles away- -Back at the mental hospital, directly outside the padded cell- TERRY: Oh, Larry! I knew it! It's hopeless... LARRY: It'll be all right... JOE: Hon, we've got to do something about them. I can't just stand here and watch people crying. JOE: Honnneeey... TERRY: There's only one thing we can do... ALL: *WHAT??* TERRY: We've got to convert... we've got to start liking potatoes... JOE: No! You can't! You've been brainwashed by your capitalistic system! It's ruined you! You can't become them! LARRY: I'm afraid so. It's the only way. -Meanwhile, inside the padded cell- NESSLES: Do you think it worked? SPOOKSTER: Don't worry. By the end of the day, we'll have them all addicted to potatoes. NESSLES: You just said... potatoes! Uh HUH HUH HUH...! SPOOKSTER: Uh HUH HUH HUH! Yes... I did! HUH HUH HUH! NESSLES: Potatoes... SPOOKSTER AND NESSLES: Uh... HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH! Hahahaha...! <---THE END---> OH... please don't ask us where this came from! The GreenFish has been listening to Oldies on the radio all night, and munching on Pez once again... is that 'nuff said? As for Nessie... nothing can be spoken for her! e-mail us! PLEASE WRITE US WITH FEEDBACK! OUR PET POTATOES ARE HUNGRY... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "You can never be too rich, too thin, or write too many 'Small Potatoes' stories..." -the GreenFish xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "That was just somethin' that had to be written.." -Nessie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Uh HUH HUH HUH HUH..." -Gillian Anderson's 'Yogi Bear' laugh xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ps... Any money willing to be contributed to getting the Spookster new speakers for her television would be greatly appreciated... I can barely make out the word "potato" anymore...