From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 11:47:11 -0600
Subject: Exploring Desires Part 9 (NC-17) by Katherine Benton
Source: direct

Reply To: picara_carolina@yahoo.com


Title: Exploring Desires Part IX
Author: Katherine Benton
Rating: NC-17 for violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual 
situations, deviant sexual situations. CAUTION: This section describes 
the aftermath of rape, including the experiences of the victim during 
the trial. If this subject matter disturbs you, bail now. Don't write 
me and tell me this is unrealistic--this part is based on a true 
story.
Category:  MSR
Spoilers: Some minor references to all seasons through Orison
Summary: When Mulder and Scully work with a new agent, his entry into 
their lives causes months of intense angst for everyone involved.
Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Chris Carter and Ten 
Thirteen Productions. I'm only borrowing them. I have no money so 
please don't sue me.

Author's note: This will make no sense if you haven't read the 
previous parts.


Mulder and Skinner moved to join the other agents in gathering 
evidence. They found the keys still in the inside lock in the front 
door, which added credence to Scully's statement that she fled 
quickly. Dusting the house, they found her fingerprints in very few 
places except the bedroom. Handcuffs were in the dresser door. They 
had trace amounts of blood on them. It would be sent to the lab to be 
compared to Scully's. Also in the dresser was a gun. It would be sent 
to the lab to be compared to the bullet that had been found in the 
wall in Scully's apartment. They also found the coffee cup on the 
floor of the kitchen. Skinner saw Mulder looking at a book. His 
expression was one of controlled rage.

"What?" he asked, approaching Mulder and looking over his shoulder.

Mulder turned to him. "Ryan's confession," he growled harshly slamming 
the book into Skinner's hand. It was open. Skinner scanned the page. 
The book was apparently a diary. Skinner recognized Ryan's 
handwriting. He flipped to the front and looked at the date on the 
first entry--the diary was years old. Mulder had dog-eared some pages. 
Skinner scanned them quickly. They described Ryan's preparation to 
infiltrate Scully's life, his progress in his relationship with her, 
his plan to kidnap her. The last dog-eared page made Skinner gag and 
drop the book to the ground. It described the first time he'd coerced 
Scully to have sex with him. Skinner closed his eyes.

"I thought she said...." he trailed off, eyes still closed.

"She told me last night...she's having trouble accepting that it was 
rape because he didn't hold a gun to her head...."

"It looks like he coerced her..."

"From what she said, I'd agree."

"She surely sees that what he did was rape..."

"Maybe she will with time. Right now she's still completely detached 
from the situation and the emotions. Anyway, this is it," he said 
indicating the diary. "He even uses the word 'kidnap' in here. He 
writes things like 'even though she's here by force now...' That makes 
it clear that she was here against her will. Take it out to Colbert. I 
need a minute."

"And you think I don't?" The two men looked at each other.

"What's going on?" Mulder and Skinner jumped. Scully had walked over 
to them upon seeing their expressions. 

Mulder replied quietly, "Ryan kept a diary, Scully. A log of 
his...activities." Her eyes widened. "On the up side--it's a perfect 
confession." He looked at her evenly. "On the down side--it's explicit 
and up to date." He let his meaning sink in. Scully looked nervously 
at Skinner, who was holding the diary. He couldn't meet her eyes.

"May I see it?" she asked holding out her hand. Mulder's response 
surprised her. As Skinner reached out to hand her the book, Mulder 
intercepted it and took it from him.

"No way am I exposing Scully to Ryan's sick, twisted view of the last 
year." Mulder replied to Skinner's shocked expression. "I am 
submitting this to evidence. Right now."

"Mulder!" Scully sounded angry.

"Don't bother, Scully. I'm not arguing with you and I'm not backing 
down." He walked away. Scully started to pursue him angrily. Skinner 
grabbed her arm.

"Scully, let it go." She looked at him defiantly, preparing to 
protest. "Scully, I read one page. One. I almost tossed it. You don't 
want to know how he...saw this...you. Please, let it go." She stared 
at him. She had never seen Skinner this emotional. She relaxed and he 
loosened his grip on her arm.

"Ok, I will." She stared after Mulder. He was showing the book to 
Colbert. She saw him take it and open it dubiously. His expression 
became serious, then amazed, then sickened. She saw Mulder flip to a 
page, Colbert scan it and drop the book. Mulder leaned into his face 
and whispered something. Colbert went white and Mulder walked away to 
record the book in the evidence. Colbert looked over at her and 
Skinner. His expression was extremely contrite. He approached them.

"Agent Scully, I apologize for the way I spoke to you this morning and 
yesterday when I recorded your statement. It was an inexcusable way to 
treat anyone under those circumstances, much less a fellow agent."

She stared and him and thought it would be very interesting to know 
what Mulder said to him. "I realize you knew Andy and not me. I know 
how I felt when I discovered he was not who I thought he was so I 
guess I understand how you feel now. Apology accepted." He offered her 
his hand and she shook it firmly. Her handshake was steadier than she 
really felt.

ELK LODGE
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH 
Scully walked into the hotel room apparently unaware of Mulder and 
Skinner's presence. Her eyes were empty and she walked as if she were 
sleepwalking. Crossing directly to the bed, she climbed upon it and 
collapsed, face down, head resting on her arms. Mulder and Skinner 
exchanged silent glances.

"Scully, Skinner and I are going next door to talk for a minute. I'll 
be right back, ok?" No answer. The door closed quietly behind them.

"What do you think?" Skinner asked as soon as they were out of 
hearing.

"It's finally catching up to her. It had to eventually. We all knew 
it. Even she did." He paused. "I know we needed her help to find 
that house. And I know she needed closure and helping to find Ryan 
served that purpose to some degree. But I would have definitely 
preferred for her to not be there. Physically, that hike was too much 
for her after recovering from a gunshot wound without the benefit of a 
doctor's care and after running all that distance yesterday without 
eating. Psychologically, I can't even imagine how difficult it was to 
go back into that house. It was hard for me."

Skinner nodded. "We need to wrap this up and get her back to 
Washington. I'm going to the field office. I want that evidence 
transferred to Washington. We are getting jurisdiction over this case 
if I have to go to Janet Reno to get it. If Colbert will simply agree 
to that without argument, we can leave tomorrow morning."

"If it's the same to you, I want to go ahead and take her back to 
Washington tomorrow, regardless. She needs out of this environment. 
She needs familiarity right now."

"You can leave tonight if you can get a flight. Pull whatever stunt 
you have to in order to get tickets. I'll back you up. I want to get 
her out of here too."

Mulder nodded and left the room. Instead of returning to Scully's 
room, he went to his own. Picking up the phone, he booked two flights 
home--one for tonight and one for tomorrow morning. He wanted to leave 
Scully with the choice and he could cancel the unused ticket. 

When he returned to her room, she hadn't moved.

"Scully?" he whispered.

"Hmm?" came the muffled reply.

"I called about flights home. We can leave tonight or tomorrow. Which 
would you prefer?"

This got her attention. She sat up quickly. "We can go back to 
Washington tonight?" He nodded. "Colbert isn't going to cause any 
trouble with that?"

"We report to Skinner and I have his permission to leave right now if 
I want."

She stood up and looked around tiredly for the bag Mulder had brought. 
"When do we leave?"

"Last flight is at 10:05. That puts us in to Washington after 1:00am 
Rocky Mountain time, but I thought it might be worth it to you and you 
can sleep on the plane. We'd better leave fast if you want that one."

"I'll be ready in five minutes. Can you go to the vending machine and 
get us a snack?"

"I'll do better than that. There's a hamburger joint across the 
street. Could you stand anything from there?"

"Anything, Mulder. I'm actually hungry. You go get us something to 
eat and I'll throw the stuff in the car, check us out, and pick you up 
over there. How's that sound?"

He tossed her his hotel key and the rental keys. "I'll meet you 
there." He walked out, relieved that she was at least animated about 
leaving. That was a good sign.

Scully hurriedly threw her clothes into the suitcase. Grabbing 
Mulder's from his room and making a quick check to assure herself that 
he hadn't forgotten to pack anything, she tossed the suitcases in the 
trunk and got in the car to drive around to the hotel office. She put 
the keys in the ignition and started the car. As she put it in gear 
and looked behind her to move out of the parking space, she was again 
struck by an overwhelming sense of strangeness. Packing Mulder's 
things and her own in a rush to check out of their hotel was a routine 
action for her. Driving certainly was. But it had been two months 
since she had been in a car, let alone driven one. She had to actually 
concentrate on these routine actions. 

She shook off the feeling and hurried into the hotel office. She 
signed the credit receipt presenting her federal ID and again was 
struck by the nervous expression of the hotel clerk. Clerks always 
looked strangely at the Bureau account card that she carried to pay 
for expenses, studying her FBI identification with curiosity. Somehow 
it felt strange to her right now to represent herself as a federal 
agent.

Mulder was waiting for her with a bag of food when she pulled into the 
parking lot. She pulled into a space, but he climbed into the 
passenger seat. "Do you want to drive?" she asked putting the car in 
neutral and applying the parking break.

"You drive if you want. You always complain how dangerous I am when I 
eat and drive around strange towns at the same time." He grinned at 
her and pulled out a sandwich. "They had a ham and cheese sandwich. I 
thought you'd like that better than a burger. But I'll eat this and 
you can have the burger if you prefer." His grin got bigger as he 
produced an enormous plastic drink cup. "And look at the size of this 
ice tea--32 ounces, Scully. I'd better take the aisle seat on the 
plane." She stared at him with a slightly panicked expression. His 
grin faded quickly. "What is it, Scully? Are you ok?"

She looked down quickly and opened the car door. "I think you'd 
better drive, Mulder." She got out and walked around the car. Mulder 
stayed at the passenger door.

"Talk to me, Scully. I need to know what's happening here."

She licked her lips, eyes still on the ground. "This..." she gestured 
at the car and the food. "How can something so normal seem so out of 
place...so strange."

He rubbed her arms. She was shivering--from the cold or from the way 
she felt, he couldn't be sure. "Because life has been completely out 
of the ordinary and completely unpredictable for you for two months. 
The feeling that normal things aren't normal will go away very 
quickly. Come on, get in the car before you freeze." He helped her 
into the car and went around to the driver's side. "Why don't you get 
the sandwiches out?" he said as he pulled away.

By the time they had eaten, they were at the airport. Mulder picked up 
the tickets and cancelled the others, while Scully returned their 
rental car. Another normal routine. She was still shivering. By the 
time she caught up with Mulder in the terminal, he was on the phone 
with Skinner.

She came up behind him. "Yeah, we're at the airport now...I got 
tickets 
for tonight. I thought it would be a good idea....Pretty well 
actually. 
She really perked up at the idea of going home....Yeah, I'm going to 
either ask her to let me stay with her in her apartment or to stay 
with me in mine...I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't go for it. 
I 
can't really force her right now can I? I'll sleep in the car outside 
her place....I've done it before. She can be stubborn....Yeah, I'll 
leave 
the cell on. You can call me on it. Listen, Skinner...about the 
evidence. At least get that diary. I don't want it there. I'd rather 
we have it. Ok, call me when you get to Washington." He hung up.

"So I can be stubborn, huh?" came the quiet voice behind him. He 
spun around with an extremely contrite expression.

"I'm sorry, Scully. I didn't intend for you to hear that."

He was relieved to see her smile. "I imagine you've said worse things 
about me. I can live with stubborn." Her expression became serious. 
"Mulder, I feel so incredibly strange walking around the airport by 
myself. Like I'm afraid to get caught...like I'd get in trouble...I 
can't 
explain it. It's weird. I didn't feel at all like this after I was 
abducted the last time." She shook her head. They walked toward the 
security gate.

"That's because you didn't remember anything that time. You didn't 
remember having your activities restricted so being able to do normal 
things seemed normal. Life hasn't been so normal for the last two 
months and you remember every bit of it. That's a lot harder."

They got to the gate and Mulder walked over to the side to present his 
ID to board with his gun. The guard looked suspiciously at the second 
gun. "That's my partner's." Scully produced her ID as well as Mulder 
explained. "She is injured and temporarily relieved of duty. She 
can't carry her weapon until she's released to field duty." The guard 
nodded and they pasted through the checkpoint.

Mulder continued talking when Scully was silent. "You know, this 
seems so odd to me too. It's like, for the last two months I've been 
on the go so much. We followed up thousands of leads...Skinner and me 
personally. When we weren't out of town, I was still doing something 
on this case either in the office or at home. Being able to just relax 
now...well, honestly, I can't. I still feel like ought to be doing 
something. I need to be working. It is weird."

She was looking at him. "Yeah," she replied slowly, quietly. "For 
two months I had one focus...escape. Now I feel a little lost. I don't 
know what to do." She looked at him. "When is Skinner going to let 
me come back to work?"

"You know you need some time, Scully. You need to speak with Employee 
Services. They won't certify you for field duty unless you do. And you 
know there will be an inquiry."

"Mulder, I can't sit in the house. I'll go insane. I spent two months 
sitting in a house." Her voice was panicked.

He looked at her. "Employee Services took me off this case last month 
citing 'emotional instability.'  I'm suspended with pay right now. 
Skinner just knew better than to cut me out." Scully's jaw dropped. 
"So we can go to counseling together if you want. Or if you don't, we 
still both have time off, so we'll do all those things you always 
wanted to do in the DC area but never had the time." His expression 
was typically sarcastic. It made her smile again.

"Mulder! If you're suspended, how do you intend to explain the hotel, 
the car rental, the plane tickets...you charged all those to the 
expense 
card." She was laughing at him.

"Skinner will cover it up," he said mildly.

"Skinner! Skinner is by the book. He isn't going to cover shit up for 
you Mulder!"

"How do you think I've been investigating this case for the last 
month?"

Her jaw dropped. "Skinner broke the rules? He did something he 
actively had to cover up and could certainly be dismissed for? I can't 
believe he'd put his career at such risk."

"Scully," Mulder replied quietly. "Skinner was as desperate as I 
was. He has always had something for you."

"Don't be absurd, Mulder."

"He does. I promised him I wouldn't tell you this. I think I'll break 
that promise. You deserve to know." He looked at her. "The chip that 
saved you...that put your cancer in remission..." she nodded. "Skinner 
made a deal with Spender to get that." Scully stared, horrified. 
"Spender came to me and told me he'd give it to me if I went to work 
for him. I refused, but later told Skinner I was going to do it. We 
were running out of time. Skinner went to Spender before I could and 
made a deal with him, so I wouldn't have to." 

Tears came to Scully's eyes. "Oh my God, Mulder." The tears fell. 
"I accused him of...." She looked at him. "Why didn't he tell me 
this...why didn't...." brow furrowed, she was lost for words.

"I never knew why he was so adamant you not find out. He made me 
swear not to tell you. He has something for you, Scully. He always 
has. That's the only explanation. He worked harder on this case than I 
did. I really learned something in this. He's a good man. I always 
trusted him with reservation after he got that chip. Now...I don't 
know...I'd actually call him a friend. You are about the only other 
person I called a friend before this."

Mulder heard their flight announced. "That's us," he interrupted her 
reverie. As they boarded the plane he quipped, "So, should I be 
jealous of Skinner?"

"Mulder," she said with a playfully warning tone. She smiled. "For 
now, I'm happy where I am. I think Skinner knows that."

****

Mulder watched Scully carefully as they got off the plane. The closer 
they got to Washington, the quieter she had become. It was late, and 
Mulder hoped she was just tired. He couldn't be sure. Scully looked 
around the familiar terminal with a slightly nervous expression. As he 
guided her to the parking lot and to his car, she was silent. 

"So, who's place are we going to Scully?" he asked as they climbed 
into the car. He hoped she wasn't going to argue about him staying 
with her. She needed the company whether she could admit it or not. 
And he needed to be near her. He was only beginning to fully 
comprehend the degree to which this incident had affected him. It was 
nearly impossible for him to not touch her. Not romantically--he knew 
she couldn't handle that. He just needed to physically feel her 
presence to assure himself she was real.

"What does my apartment look like? I remember destroying quite a few 
things before Ryan finally shot me." Her voice was shaky. He was 
increasingly concerned as he watched her.

"I cleaned it up pretty well." Her eyebrows shot up. "I can clean, 
Scully. I just don't like to. It looks decent. I doubt I got 
everything back exactly right and there's a stack of things on your 
table that were broken but I didn't want to throw them away. I thought 
you might want to fix some of them. It's not bad though."

She sighed. "How bad is your apartment?"

"Why, Scully," he said with a tone of mock indignation. "Are you 
implying that you think my domestic responsibilities took a back seat 
during this incident?" He was trying, in vain to lighten the tone. 
Scully was clearly erecting her protective walls. He could feel the 
distance between them increase even as the conversation progressed. He 
couldn't handle it if she shut him out.

"No, Mulder. I'm asking if we'll even be able to get in the door of 
your apartment without being crushed by two months of junk." Her tone 
was flat, unresponsive to his joke. If it was exhaustion or self-
isolation, he still couldn't tell. Mulder knew well that Scully was 
the world's greatest expert on insulating herself. He also knew 
nothing could be more damaging at this point.

He laughed, still trying to keep the mood light. "It's about as bad 
as it usually is." Sobering, he added, "The crime scene photos from 
your apartment are over there though. So are all the case files...my 
profile, evidence, all that stuff."

She stared through the windshield. Mulder still hadn't started the 
car. "Let's go to your place," she finally decided. "I'm afraid 
I'll see him...you know, remember him...too much in my apartment."

"The evidence files?" he reminded her.

"I'd actually like to see them." He opened his mouth to protest. "I 
need to look at this whole thing like a case, Mulder. It will help if 
I can look at it that way."

He started the car and drove off toward Alexandria. "Scully, if you 
want to detach yourself from what happened by looking at it as a case, 
that's fine. And it might work for a while. But eventually you are 
going to have to face this and grieve over it. It was terrifying. 
You've got to confront that."

"I'm fine, Mulder."

"You are not fine, Scully. Neither am I. A man kidnapped you and he 
raped you. You can't even admit that much to yourself. You can't even 
make yourself say it. Eventually, it will hit you though, whether you 
want it to or not. You can take control and confront your emotions, or 
you can run from them and deny them and they will take control of you. 
But those are the two possible outcomes and you know it." His speech 
was delivered in a perfectly calm neutral tone. 

He hadn't intended to start a fight but it still felt to Scully as if 
he had hit her across the face. She was not ready to confront 
anything. Countering Mulder's statement with a strong response seemed 
to be the best way to dodge it. 

"I can't believe you said that to me," she whispered, voice shaking.

"It's true. I didn't say it to start a fight or to upset you. But I'm 
worried about you. I just don't see any indications that you are 
moving towards dealing with this. So, it needed to be said." His tone 
revealed his concern. Scully didn't hear it.

"I am dealing with this just fine, Mulder." Now she was yelling. "I 
gave a damn statement. I went out to the damn house this morning. Just 
because many women cry in emotional situations...just because you 
do...doesn't mean that everyone does. Not everyone deals with things 
in 
the same way, Mulder. You're a damn psychologist. You should know 
that."

He ignored her tirade and missed the elevated level of swearing--an 
obvious sign that he'd pushed too hard. If she thought his statements 
up till then had pushed her, she was about to learn what that really 
meant. "Say 'he raped me,' Scully."

"What!" She stared at him as if he was the devil himself.

"Say 'he raped me,'" he repeated calmly, still thinking he was in 
control of the situation...and that she was in control of herself. He 
was wrong. He hadn't noticed exactly how out of control she was. He 
didn't have enough information yet to know how broken she really was.

"Pull this car over, Fox Mulder. Right now!" He ignored her. "Pull 
it over or I will grab the wheel and do it myself!"

He still ignored her. "You can't say it. You don't even believe it or 
acknowledge it. It's a fact, Scully. He did. He didn't hold a gun to 
you. What he did was worse. It was still rape. And rape has emotional 
consequences whether you want to admit it or not. You're 'dealing just 
fine with this' because you are still in shock. Physically and 
emotionally."

"I certainly am not...."

"Are you cold, Scully?"

"It's cold outdoors, Mulder. It's December."

"Are you cold?" he repeated.

"Yes, damn it. I'm freezing."

"Look at the heater, Scully." She did. It was on full blast. She 
hadn't noticed. "I'm sweating I have the heat on so high. You are 
still shivering. It's called 'shock' Scully. You are so far gone that 
you don't even recognize the symptoms. You're a doctor. What does that 
tell you?" She stared at him unable to reply. "You haven't stopped 
shaking since I picked you up from that station. You were even 
shivering in your sleep last night."

She said nothing. He frowned and pulled the car over. He got out of 
the car and went to the passenger side. Opening the door, he pulled 
her roughly from the car.

"What in the hell are you doing?" she practically screamed.

"You wanted me to pull over. I did. Presumably you wanted out of the 
car. So get out. There's a cab right there," he said pointing to one. 
He took some money from his pocket and slapped it into her hand. "Take 
a cab back to your own apartment and stay there and tell yourself that 
you just came home from any other case." He walked to the rear of the 
car and took her suitcase from the trunk. Putting it by her feet he 
pointed to the cab. "You're fine, right? Go." 

He looked at her harshly and she returned his stare with her own 
completely flabbergasted one. "I don't have my apartment keys. I don't 
know where they are." It was the first thing she thought, delivered in 
a quiet, slightly lost voice. He pulled her key off his keyring and 
handed it to her without comment. "Why are you doing this?" she 
whispered without looking at him.

"Why shouldn't I? You're fine and you told me to pull over. I did what 
you said." She stared up at him, motionless. Without comment, he 
turned, got in the car, and started it. In the mirror he could see her 
staring at the car, eyes wide. She didn't move. He didn't pull away 
from the curb. Instead he rolled down the window and leaned out it. 
"You're going to loose your cab. Get going."

"Why are you doing this, Mulder?"

"Because you're fine, right?"

"I don't understand what you want," she whispered with a broken voice. 
"Tell me what you want. I'll do it."

If Mulder had been less emotional himself, that statement would have 
sent up red flags. Scully never cared what Mulder wanted--she did 
things her way. That's what made them effective partners. Scully was 
reacting to two months of being forced to obey. Of having her behavior 
manipulated and controlled. That she was responding to Mulder as she 
had responded to Ryan should have caught his attention. But Mulder was 
reacting too. Unfortunately, he was not reacting well.

"I want you to get in the cab and go home," he replied evenly. 

Her eyes widened. She took a step back from the car and he rolled up 
the window. She picked up the suitcase and moved toward the cab. When 
he saw her speak to the driver, he pulled away from the curb and drove 
away. She was astonished. 

Fifteen minutes later Mulder was pacing his apartment, praying he had 
done the right thing. Scully needed to be made to see how far-gone she 
was. As long as he sheltered her, she would avoid reality. He couldn't 
facilitate that. No matter how hard the alternative was. 

An hour later Mulder was still pacing the floor when his door opened. 
He pulled his gun. "Damn it! Scully, what in the hell are you doing?!" 
He lowered the gun and she lowered her hands. Closing the door, she 
leaned against it.

"Mulder, dumping me out of your car in the middle of town was cruel," 
she said calmly. "I will deal with this. My way. I can't do it your 
way. I need you to accept that I may not react the way you want." 
Mulder, still involved in his own emotions, did not see that she was 
trembling.

"It's not a matter of what I want, Scully. Everybody reacts to trauma 
in generally the same way. You know that. You're not reacting at all. 
You are completely in shock and you don't even realize it."

"Maybe this just wasn't as traumatic for me as you think it was, 
Mulder." She was getting angry. He had put her in a damn cab and she 
came over here to give him another chance. He was in for a big 
surprise if he thought he was going to act this way. "This is what? 
Like the eighth time that someone has abducted me...the Consortium has 
abducted me twice, Pfaster did twice, there was the Gerry Schnauz 
case, Eddie Van Blunht intended to rape me, Ed Jerse tried to kill me, 
I was almost beheaded by cannibals and shot in a shower by people who 
thought they were witches, Eugene Tooms wanted to rip out my 
liver...maybe after a while it just doesn't have as big an affect."

"Ok Scully," he said defeated. "I give up. I can't make you see this. 
But I won't contribute to it or facilitate it. If you are fine, I'm 
glad. Go home. I'll call you in the morning and give you the 
information you'll need to re-open the X Files."

"I'd rather stay..." she began before Mulder's statement completely 
sank in. "What do you mean so I can re-open the Files?"

"I am suspended. I have to participate in counseling before I can 
return to work. And I want to. This was hell, Scully. And knowing what 
happened to you...that made it worse. I'm not dealing well with that. 
I don't trust myself with a gun and a criminal right now. I was very 
close to walking out of the house and shooting Ryan as they took him 
away this morning. You may not need any help with this, but I do." He 
paused. "You can't stay here. I'm sorry. I won't be your crutch. If 
you're fine, then go home. If you're not fine...if you can't face 
going home or being alone, then admit you're not fine and accept some 
help."

She found herself staring at him again. "So, unless I agree to do this 
your way, you won't help me." She looked at him and tears filled her 
eyes. "Ok, Mulder. But I spent the last two months obeying Ryan. I 
don't think I want to obey you. I'll call Skinner about work. I'll go 
to Quantico until you come back to the X Files. We'll talk then about 
me coming back. Or not." She turned to leave his apartment.

He grabbed her arm. "Don't liken me to, Ryan," he said harshly. "I am 
not asking you to 'obey me.' I would never force you to do 
anything...." 

The rest of what he was saying drifted past her as he leaned over her 
and yelled. She felt dizzy, nauseous. The feelings that had 
overwhelmed her for the past two months washed over her again in 
uncontrollable waves--but this time when she looked at the man 
painfully squeezing her arm, she saw Mulder. She closed her eyes. 
Suddenly she realized he had stopped talking and was waiting for her 
response. She was shocked that she couldn't voice more than a whisper 
from her lips, "You wouldn't force me to do anything, Mulder? Ryan 
didn't physically force me to anything either. He just wouldn't give 
me things I needed, most of them related to my emotional stability, 
unless I had sex with him. You won't support me through this, 
something obviously related to my emotional stability, unless I react 
to this experience in the way you deem appropriate. You're right 
Mulder. I see no parallel there at all." Scully pulled her arm from 
his grasp and turned to flee. He blocked her way to the door.

"I am not trying to manipulate you."

"No? So you think throwing me out of your car and telling me to work 
the X Files alone are normal occasions in our lives?" Her voice faded 
even more, becoming a barely audible shaky whisper. "I just spent two 
months playing these mind games with a psychopath. I need someone I 
can trust. Nothing you have ever done has hurt me like it did when you 
drove away tonight. I can't believe that you would do something like 
that under the best of circumstances. I just spent two months of pure 
hell. And you left me...."

"If you were fine...."

"You know I'm not fine...."

"How am I supposed to know that? All you'll tell me is that you're 
fine...."

She snapped. "What do you want me to say, Mulder? That I'm scared to 
death? That I feel completely off-balance? That I'm sick to my stomach 
every time I think of Ryan? That I can still feel his hands on me? 
That I my heart still races when I think about the things he made me 
do...how much they hurt--emotionally and physically? That I feel 
dirty...worse than dirty? That I'm afraid you won't want me now...."

"Scully!"

"You want to hear me say that he raped me? Ok. He raped me. He raped 
me, he sodomized me, he forced me to perform oral sex on him. I don't 
even have a vocabulary for some of the sick-assed things that he did. 
And I acted like I liked it. Because if I didn't, because when I 
wasn't convincing, he hurt me. When I got angry and told him it was 
rape, he threatened to bring other men to the house and show me what 
it felt like to really be raped." She couldn't continue. His eyes were 
as wide as saucers when she raised her eyes to his. "Do you want me to 
cry, Mulder?" she said after a moment. Tears were already streaming 
down her face. "Will you feel better if I'm completely hysterical? Is 
this what you wanted to see? How long must I act this way to earn the 
privilege of your approval? How much is enough to prove to you that 
I'm 'grieving' the experience?" 

He reached out to her. "Scully...."

She flinched back automatically. "Don't touch me. Don't. Touch. Me." 
She backed away until she was against the living room wall. "Did it 
occur to you that maybe I wasn't ready to face this yet? That maybe I 
needed to live in denial for a little while longer? Until I was 
someplace familiar. Until I'd been with you for a few days? Until I 
felt a little safer? But wait. That should have occurred to you, 
because I told you that last night. Tell me, Mulder, where do I go to 
feel safe now?" The pain in her eyes was only matched by the pain in 
his.

"Scully, I'm sorry...."

"That doesn't cut it, Mulder. Not even close."

"What do you want me to do?" he asked sadly, his voice barely audible.

"Get out of my way. I'm leaving."

Instead of moving, he put his hand over the doorknob. "Scully I can't 
let you leave like this...." he trailed off in reaction to her 
expression. Her eyes grew wide and he saw terror in them. He instantly 
realized his mistake. "Scully, I meant that I want you to stay until 
you calm down a little...."

Her eyes fixed on him and she staggered back instinctively. Stumbling 
into the chair in his living room, she sat down hard. She was 
obviously fighting for control. "Don't say that to me," she whispered. 
"Andy thought I'd learn to love him if I stayed and calmed down a 
little." 

He closed his eyes. "You know I won't keep you here if you want to 
leave. You know I won't hurt you. I'd like you to stay so I can try to 
apologize...try to fix this."

"I can't Mulder...I can't take any more tonight...I need some rest."

"Will you stay here?"

"You don't want me here. You told me to leave..." Her voice broke 
again.

"Scully, I want you here," he whispered miserably, kneeling in front 
of the chair. "If you want to stay, I want you here. I never meant to 
hurt you. I'm so sorry."

"Mulder...." she couldn't finish her sentence. She put her arms around 
his neck and pulled him close and cried against his chest--until his 
shirt-front was soaked...until she was sobbing silently, tears dried 
but emotions still raging. "Is this what you wanted?" she whispered 
between sobs.

"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to see you hurt. But I do want 
you to confront this. Unfortunately, that is going to hurt."

"Mulder, you have to let me do this at my own pace," her tone was 
pleading.

"I will, Scully. You needed to acknowledge what happened...and that it 
wasn't 'fine.' You did that. That's all I wanted. I didn't want to 
push you, though..."

"You have to promise...." she shook her head and pulled away from him. 
She carefully wiped her face with her hands and straightened her 
clothes. She sat for a moment with her eyes closed, obviously trying 
to compose herself. Finally, she opened them and looked at him evenly. 
"Mulder, I was not ready for this. I need to be able to trust you to 
let me handle this my way. Throwing me out of your car, asking me to 
leave your apartment...you may not have intended to coerce me to talk 
to you about this, but it felt like coercion to me. For reasons I 
shouldn't have to explain to you, I am not going to react well to 
anything that feels like coercion. Your actions tonight...more than 
hurt me. I know you are a psychologist. I have no doubt you are a very 
good one. But I don't need you to be my psychologist, Mulder. I will 
see a psychologist. I need a friend. I need you to be a safe place for 
me. I need that or I can not handle this. Please promise me that you 
will try to do that."

He answered without hesitation. "I promise, Scully. I will do whatever 
you want. Just tell me what it is. I behaved badly tonight. I'm sorry. 
I'll do anything you need to make it up to you."

"Just let me do this at my own pace. Please don't make me talk about 
the things I said tonight."

"I won't. I won't try to make you do anything, Scully. It was never my 
intention to manipulate you tonight."

"Do you see how, after the last two months, I might react strongly to 
anything that remotely appears to be coercive?"

"Yes, Scully, I do. I wasn't thinking. I was wrong. This is difficult 
for me too. You are going to have to tell me if I'm doing something 
that makes you uncomfortable else I might not recognize what I'm 
doing. I will try to listen to you carefully and be conscious of not 
saying or doing things that might push you if you will promise to tell 
me when I do."

"I will."

There were several moments of silence. "It's almost 6:00am, Scully. 
You need some sleep. Do you want to stay here?" She nodded mutely. "Do 
you want me to stay with you or do you need a little space?"

"I'm not going to kick you out of your own bed, Mulder," she said 
quietly without looking at him.

"Scully, don't let me push you. Don't push yourself. If you need 
space, I'll sleep on the couch. And I'll understand."

"I need you, Mulder. For two months I've wanted nothing more than to 
sleep next to you. But I'm really hurting right now. I don't know what 
I want. I honestly can't say."

Tears welled in his eyes. "I think it would be best for me to stay on 
the couch then, Scully." He got up off the floor and went into the 
bedroom. She heard him brushing his teeth and rummaging for a clean T-
shirt. She got up and stood in the bedroom door. He was changing the 
sheets on the bed.

"You don't have to do that, Mulder."

"Scully these sheets haven't been changed since the last time you 
slept here. You are not going to sleep here until I clean up a 
little."

"How can I help you?"

"You could toss me some sheets from the closet."  She did as Mulder 
picked laundry up off the floor.

****

The next morning, he awoke on the couch to the smell of coffee 
brewing. He was confused. Sitting up, his eyes fell on Scully, in his 
robe, sitting at the dining room table coffee cup in hand. He smiled. 
As soon as he really focused on her, his expression changed to one of 
concern. She was flipping through the crime scene photos and case 
files.

"Morning," he said quietly. 

She looked up and smiled at him. "Coffee is ready," she said. 

He nodded and went into the kitchen. "Do you want some breakfast?"

"Not really," she replied quietly. Her tone implied she expected a 
fight. He said nothing, but instead went ahead and made himself some 
toast. Sitting down at the table across from her, he looked at the 
files she was perusing. 

"I take it you went to your apartment last night?" he asked. She 
nodded. "How did it look?"

"Better than I would have expected. You did a really good job cleaning 
it up Mulder. Thanks."

"Good, I'm glad." He ate one of his slices of toast. "Have you had a 
shower yet?"

"No, I didn't want to wake you."

"Mind if I go ahead and shower? I've got to go down to the office and 
see Skinner. He left a message on the machine saying he'd be back this 
morning."

"Sure, go ahead." He got up from the table, leaving the toast. When he 
came back out, she had eaten it as he hoped she would.

"I want to go to the office. Skinner said he was overnighting the 
evidence from Salt Lake. I also want to get the report from the 
hospital on Ryan...." He began while cleaning up the table.

"I already called for that" she interrupted. "They're faxing the 
actual records to our office but the short version is that Ryan is 
stable and expected to make it. He is suffering from lung, tracheal, 
and esophageal damage but it's reported to be surprisingly minor. They 
are observing him for brain damage from oxygen depravation. They 
expect to do an analysis of that this afternoon but his CAT Scan came 
back normal, so that is a good sign."

He stared at her. He couldn't believe she'd called on that. "Do they 
know when they intend to release him?"

"Not for at least a week...probably two. He's under guard and they 
will return him to Washington when he's released. They were in the 
process of taking his statement when I called. I spoke to the officer 
taking his statement and he promised to fax it when it was completed."

"Ok. Did you, by any chance, speak to Skinner?"

"His cell phone is off and he'd already checked out of the hotel. I 
assume he's in flight."

"Well, that seems to be everything. Do you want to go into the office 
and pick up the evidence with me?" His tone was slightly sarcastic. He 
didn't really intend for her to go or believe that she would want to.

"If you'll wait fifteen minutes for me to take a shower, I would." 

"Scully, are you sure you're up to this?"

"I want to do this Mulder. I need to work on this...get some measure 
of control over it."

"Ok, I want you to tell me if you need to walk away though," he 
admonished. She nodded soberly. "While you shower, I'm going to call 
the DA's office and see how they intend to prosecute this. They'll 
undoubtedly want to start getting you ready for the trial. I'll make 
an appointment with whoever they've assigned to prosecute this."

"Ok, Mulder." Her voice was determined but Mulder heard the anxiety in 
it. She rose from the table and headed to the bathroom. Stopping, she 
turned back to Mulder. "Mulder, I will speak to the lawyer because I 
have to, and I want to help finish out this case because I need the 
closure, but I need some distance too. Making the phone calls is easy, 
talking about Ryan's medical condition is easy...talking about 
evidence that involves what happened in that house--that's going to be 
extremely difficult. Let me decide what I can and can't do. Ok?"

"Absolutely, Scully." 

****

Things slowly returned to normal. Mulder and Scully went to 
counseling, separately at Scully's reluctant but insistent request. In 
less than a month, they were both returned to duty and re-opened the X 
Files. Scully dove into the work. Mulder watched her, keeping his 
promise to let her deal with how she recovered herself. He didn't ask 
her anything about what happened in the house.

He didn't need to. Privately, he read Ryan's diary from cover to 
cover. It's contents were the topic of the majority of the counseling 
sessions which he continued to attend long after Scully abandoned her 
own sessions. The diary also inspired a new investigation. Mulder 
noted several references to surveillance equipment in Ryan's writings. 
While Scully was occupied with an involved autopsy, he and Skinner 
searched her apartment. What they found appalled them--video camera's 
concealed in all the rooms. They searched Mulder's apartment with the 
same results. Skinner got a search warrant for Ryan's apartment and 
they found the videos. 

There were literally thousands of them dating back to 1996. Mulder and 
Skinner divided them up and watched them. For obvious reasons, Mulder 
watched all of the most recent ones and found what he feared.  He met 
with Skinner privately.

"How do we pursue this?" Mulder asked.

"I spoke with the Director. He wants to pursue separate Federal 
charges for illegal surveillance. The prosecutor wants Ryan to plead 
off on this and Ryan's attorney is pressuring him to do that. It's 
pretty much open and shut since we picked up his prints off the video 
equipment. I didn't want to ok that until I spoke with you."

"I say go for it. This will devastate Scully if she hears about it."

"You haven't told her?" he asked, surprised.

"No, we haven't discussed any of this much at all."

"You're kidding?"

"She asked me to let her decide how to deal with it and she's chosen 
to deal with it by not discussing it with me at all."

 Skinner raised his eyebrows. "How are you dealing with it...with 
that."

"Badly," Mulder admitted quietly. "I'm still seeing the psychologist. 
I'm really angry about this whole situation. I'm having trouble moving 
past it."

"Maybe you should tell her that."

"I pushed her once. Now I promised her that I'd back off entirely."

"It's been two months, Mulder. Maybe it's time to break that promise. 
Or at least ask her if she'll give a little."

Mulder nodded. "Something has to change," he said sadly, leaving 
Skinner's office.

****

Mulder returned to his apartment. Scully was already there. "Where 
have you been for the last week, Mulder? You're not in the office. 
You're not at home. Your cell phone is never on. We've hardly seen 
each other. What's up?"

"Sorry, I was following up some things."

"I hate to be ditched, Mulder. You know that. This case is hard enough 
without you withholding evidence from me."

"They weren't related to our current case. They were related to Ryan."

"What about him?" she asked nervously.

"Some additional evidence on separate charges. He's supposed to cop a 
plea on them so it won't affect you."

Scully let it drop. She always did where Ryan was concerned. He 
watched her sort through case files. When they went back to work on 
the X Files, Scully completely turned her back on dealing with the 
kidnapping. She never mentioned Ryan. When Mulder did, she listened 
without commenting any more than necessary. When she had to speak to 
the prosecutor, she insisted on going alone and avoided discussing 
their conversation with Mulder. She contended that she was 'fine.'

She plainly was not however. She hadn't stayed in her apartment more 
than three times since she had returned to Washington. The times she 
had, Mulder had stayed with her. She slept with Mulder every night, 
not comfortable unless he was near by. But they had not so much as 
kissed since the night they spent in the hotel in Salt Lake. Mulder 
was afraid to touch her. He had no idea how she would react because he 
had no idea how she was feeling. For her part, she made no move to do 
anything more than sleep in his arms. He did not want to push her at 
all in this area, but it seemed symbolic of their entire relationship. 
He had no idea what to do and she wasn't talking. 

As he watched her work tonight, he lost his patience. He reached over 
and took the files from her hands. "Scully, I need to talk to you." 
His voice was quiet.

"Ok," she responded nervously. "Is it about what you've been 
investigating...about Ryan?"

"It's about Ryan, yes." He paused. "Scully I promised I'd let you deal 
with it your way and I hope I've..." he trailed off.

"You have, Mulder. And I appreciate it. I feel a lot better."

"Ok. I'm glad you feel better...Scully, I..." he sighed, struggling to 
organize his thoughts. "Did you know I was still seeing the 
counselor?"

She appeared shocked, "You're not serious." He nodded. "Why on earth 
are you doing that?"

"Because...because I really need to go." He didn't look at her. 
"Scully, will you consider going with me? Just once?"

"Mulder...I did my time with the damn counseling sessions. I really 
don't want to go through that again."

"Scully, it would mean a lot to me. I'm not asking you to talk about 
anything you don't want to. I just wanted an opportunity to say some 
things myself in a neutral environment."

"Mulder, I said no. I'm not going through that again." She sounded 
angry.

He stood up and walked to the bedroom, "Ok, Scully," he said sadly.

Scully opened the file she had been working on and returned to taking 
notes from it. Mulder emerged from the bedroom in his sweats almost 
half an hour later. "I'm going running," he said on his way out the 
door. Before she could reply, he was gone. She frowned at the door.

When he returned almost two hours later, he looked like hell. His was 
flushed and dripping with sweat. 

She looked at him startled. "My God, Mulder. You didn't run for two 
solid hours did you? You could practically run to the Hoover Building 
in that time." He didn't respond or even look at her. Instead he went 
to the bathroom and Scully heard the shower run. When he came out, she 
was sitting on the bed waiting for him.

"If this is about me refusing to go see the shrink with you, Mulder, 
just drop it," she said firmly. "I am not going to be pressured...."

He threw the towel on the bed. "Scully, I am not trying to pressure 
you. Did it occur to you, even once, that I might..." He bit off the 
sentence and shoved his clenched fists into his jeans pockets. Scully 
watched him choke down a myriad of emotions and paste a passive 
expression on his face. Extremely calmly he said, "I'm sorry, Scully. 
I shouldn't have yelled. I...I'm sorry." He stood in front of her, 
eyes on the floor.

"Mulder," she whispered. "Tell me what you were going to say."

He looked up sharply. "Scully, think about this carefully before you 
ask."

"Tell me what you were going to say," she repeated sadly.

"Ok, I was going to ask you if it occurred to you that I might be 
having trouble dealing with...what happened with Ryan. I know it 
happened to you. It hurts me more than I can even explain to think 
that you had to experience that. But it hurts even more that you won't 
talk to me about it. I understand that you don't want to discuss the 
details. But the only thing you say is that you're 'fine.' If you 
behaved like you were fine, it might be one thing. But you are 
obviously not. You haven't spoken one word to me about Ryan since the 
night we returned to Washington. I told you before that the thing I 
wanted most from you was for you to let me in. I have never seen you 
this thoroughly shut off to me. I'm afraid to do anything around you.  
I have a stack of cases I'm not sure you can handle. I'm afraid of how 
you'll react every time we go into the field. And those are all 
professional issues. Forget personal ones. I'm afraid to touch you. I 
don't know what to say to you that won't upset you. I don't expect you 
to want to jump right into bed with me but do you realize we haven't 
even so much as held hands since we came back to Washington?" She 
stared at him. "Scully, I want to do what ever I can to help you with 
this. But I need some help too."

"I can't believe you are saying this to me," she said quietly. "I am 
fine, Mulder. How dare you tell me I'm not? How dare you tell me that 
this has hurt you? How dare you tell me you don't feel comfortable 
working with me?"

He exploded. Leaning into her face, he yelled, "I dare say those 
things because they are true. I think you are still avoiding dealing 
with what this did to you Scully. But, frankly, that's your business. 
It becomes my business when it affects me. And it has affected me. I 
have to constantly watch what I say to you and do around you. Jesus, I 
have a woman sleeping in my bed every night that I'm afraid to lay 
hands on..."

"Is this about sex!?" she yelled back at him, pushing him back from 
her, suddenly very aware that she was cornered on the bed.

"This has nothing to do with sex. I want to be able to talk to you. I 
want to know how you feel. I want to be able to tell you how I feel. I 
want us to be able to help each other get past this."

"I am past this."

"Do you care that I am not? Do you care that I am desperately alone."

"If you're feeling lonely, buy a new video."

His body stiffened and his fists clenched. He leaned over her and for 
a moment she actually thought he would hit her. Instead he turned. She 
thought he would punch the wall or at least walk away. He collapsed to 
his knees on the floor, facing away from her. "I can't do this, 
Scully," he whispered. "I have done everything you asked. I have tried 
to respect how you must feel. I have put your feelings before my own 
because I believed that was how it should be. You were the one that 
Ryan abused. But I can't do it anymore. I am willing to support you 
but I'm not willing to be abused..." he trailed off and turned to look 
at her. She saw pure anguish in his eyes. "A new video, Scully? Is 
that what you think of me?" He paused as if he expected an answer. She 
found she couldn't speak. Her lack of response obviously angered him. 
"If this were about sex, I'd go out and get some. If I wanted your 
body specifically..." his expression hardened and he raked his eyes 
over her. "...I could have it right now. I'm mad enough and twice your 
size." He paused again a moment until he saw in her expression that 
his words had sunk in. He stood and grabbed her roughly by her arms. 
Pulling her from the bed, he held her so that her feet barely touched 
the floor. She stifled a scream. "Do you think I'll do it? Do you 
think I'll rape you." He spat the word. "Is that what you think of me? 
Is that really what you think this is about?" She stared at him, eyes 
wide. He let her go and she fell back on the bed. "All I asked was 
that you come to one session with me. Not so I could analyze you. I 
gave you my word I wouldn't do that. I promised you I'd be a safe 
place for you. I asked you to go so I could tell you how I felt. So I 
could tell you I needed help with this too. That I needed to feel like 
I could talk to you. I mistakenly thought you'd care." She still said 
nothing. He turned and walked from the room.

She followed him to the living room where he was putting on his coat. 
"Where are you going?" she whispered.

He looked at her, his expression completely neutral. "I don't have any 
idea," he replied flatly. "I don't have any place to go." He walked 
out the door.

****

Scully waited for Mulder to return until late in the night. She 
finally fell asleep on the couch. When she awakened it was the middle 
of the night and he still hadn't returned. She grew concerned. She 
called the office. No answer. His cell phone was turned off. The 
Gunmen hadn't heard from him. She even called Skinner. No help there. 
She got in her car and drove to his usual haunts. When she didn't find 
him, she really began to panic. She called his mother and, when she 
provided no information, she drove to the office to see if he had just 
decided not to pick up the phone. The only other two places she could 
think of were the summer house in the Vineyard and his father's house. 
She decided to go home to pack some clothes before she left for the 
Vineyard.

Entering her apartment, she saw her bedroom light on. She drew her gun 
and slowly approached the bedroom. Mulder was asleep on her bed. She 
walked silently towards him. In his hand was her cross. She had taken 
it off the last time she went home and forgotten to put it back on. 
The chain was tangled in his fingers. The pillow was stained with his 
tears.

She sat on the bed and he awoke with a start. She watched the 
confusion clear from his eyes as he took in his surroundings and 
finally focused on her. He looked away when she did not. 

"I shouldn't have come here. I'll leave," he said quietly and moved to 
get off the bed.

"I spent most of the night looking for you. I wish you'd stay now that 
I have."

He leaned resignedly against the headboard and looked at the cross in 
his hand in his lap. "I apologize for the way I treated you last 
night. I obviously need to continue seeing the psychologist." His 
voice became softer. "To tell you the truth, Scully, I'm considering 
checking myself in someplace for a while." Her jaw dropped. He looked 
at her evenly. "I'm lost. I don't trust myself. I need some help."

"I'm so sorry, Mulder. I'm so sorry I said that. About the video." His 
eyes closed. She continued in a whisper, "I said it because I was 
afraid that you were going to say something about...sex...and I don't 
know if I can handle that."

"Scully, I would never push you. If you're not ready...Jesus...how 
could it even occur to you that I wouldn't respect that?"

"Mulder I never doubted you would respect that. I just...I can't...The 
topic is impossible for me. Forget about actually having sex. I can't 
even talk about it. I don't want to talk about what happened..."

"What did you discuss with the counselor? How did you handle that?"

"I couldn't handle the sessions with the psychologist, Mulder. I 
couldn't. They were hell...But it's not hard to figure out what you're 
supposed to say, so I did it to get it over with. You're right that I 
haven't dealt with it. And I was so absorbed with myself that I didn't 
see how it was affecting you. And I'm afraid to face it."

"Scully, the trial starts in three weeks. Have you thought about how 
you are going to face that? He'll walk if you can't testify."

"I don't care about the trial. I want to talk about us. I'll try to 
confront this, if you'll help me."

"Scully you were right to say you didn't need me to be your 
psychologist. I never practiced. I studied behavioral psychology, not 
clinical psychology. There's a major difference. I'll go to see a 
psychologist with you. I'd be thrilled to do that. But I can't take 
responsibility for counseling you." She looked hurt. "Scully, you 
theoretically know how to perform by-pass surgery. Would you perform 
one on me if I needed one? It's the same thing."

"The counseling sessions were so difficult. I felt so pressured...it 
moved too fast..."

"If that's the case, Scully, it's either because you were speaking to 
an incredibly poor psychologist or because you were pushing yourself 
to say what they wanted to hear in a hurry to get it over with. If you 
let me do this with you, that won't happen."

"Mulder, I can talk to you about how I'm feeling. I can't talk to you 
about what happened. I can't...."

"Did you know I already know the details of what happened?"

"I didn't tell you everything when we came back to Washington...and I 
hardly told you details."

"Ryan's diary didn't leave out details, Scully." Her eyes snapped up 
to his face. "Either Skinner or I had to read it to provide the 
prosecutor with evidence. Under the circumstances, Skinner and I 
agreed I should read it." Her eyes closed. She began to cry.

"Oh my, God," she whispered. "I had no idea...I should have thought of 
that....Mulder God only knows how exaggerated or distorted that diary 
might be...."

"It is pretty slanted toward his view of the world...which is pretty 
warped. But it's either a fact or not that he...."

"Don't Mulder," she cut him off. "Please don't."

"Scully, the prosecutor has over fifteen pages of that diary marked 
for Ryan to read when she calls him to the stand. How are you going to 
listen to that? She is going to set that up on the stand by asking you 
to recount those events. Can you do that?" She remained silent. "Did 
you know that the defense attorney has moved to allow information 
about your past sexual history and the judge agreed?" Her eyes met his 
again. "I have been served to testify in that regard, Scully. So has 
one Collins Anderson. How they got his name I will never guess. Has 
the prosecutor discussed any of this with you?"

"I haven't returned her calls."

He was astonished. "Do you want Ryan to walk?"

"Of course not."

"Send the prosecutor in there without information...set her up for a 
bunch of surprises and he might. This case is not air-tight, Scully. 
My impression is that they intend to argue that you went willingly 
with Ryan." She looked amazed. "What other defense has he got, Scully? 
He refused to cop a plea on this. He's going to do everything he can 
to make you look like an irresponsible whore. I don't mean to be 
offensive but look at your last three boyfriends--Jack, Ryan, and me--
all co-workers, one your instructor in the academy and one your 
partner. That doesn't look good, Scully. You can't prove he raped you-
-there are no bruises, no physical evidence of any kind. He's going to 
argue you wanted it. He can even testify honestly you agreed to every 
act."

"Mulder, you know I didn't..."

"Yes I do. Because I know you. And because I know how to play a 
hostage situation. Just like you do. But the jury, and especially 
women on the jury, don't have any experience in that area. It doesn't 
look good." She started to cry. "I'm not telling you this to upset 
you. I just can't believe you haven't discussed this with the 
prosecutor. You need to rehearse your testimony. You need to do a mock 
cross-examination. You need to get to a point where you can handle 
discussing this. The trial is in three weeks, Scully." She remained 
silent. "Let's tell Skinner we need the next three weeks off. We can 
work on this together. For the sake of the trial and most importantly 
for the sake of our relationship. I refuse to let Ryan destroy 
you...us. Do you want to give him that power?"

"No," she whispered.

"Then do this with me. Please." Slowly, she nodded her head.

continued

Title: Exploring Desires Part X
Author: Katherine Benton

The night before the trial began, Mulder felt confident--that Scully 
would be able to stand up to the testimony and that Ryan would be 
found guilty. Scully obviously had less faith in herself. She and 
Mulder had gone to counseling together. He had also driven her to 
meetings with the prosecutor--making it impossible for her to avoid 
them. Scully had seen for the first time the evidence and arguments 
that Ryan's attorney intended to present and it disgusted her. She sat 
through these discussions trying to maintain the same attitude she 
would in any of the other gruesome cases she had testified 
for...trying to forget she was the victim. Her control was admirable. 
It had Mulder fooled and the prosecutor was satisfied that she'd do 
well during her testimony. Only Scully knew how shaky she really was.

Sitting at the table for the prosecution, Scully listened to opening 
arguments and she felt herself slipping...slipping back in time and 
through space to the house. The prosecutor was describing the case, 
the kidnapping, the experiences in the house. It was impossible to 
listen. She couldn't do this. There was no way she could tell a room 
full of strangers that he'd raped her and then tell them the details 
of what he'd done. As her attorney paced in front of the jury box, 
Scully had a clear view of Ryan. She stole a glance at him and saw he 
was staring at her. His expression was hard to read--angry, still 
lustful, but mocking. Her spine stiffened and she returned his glare 
evenly. She realized suddenly that if she didn't hold it together he 
could get off. If he got off, he'd walk free down the same streets she 
did. And if he did that, it could happen all over again. She would not 
let that happen. 

She felt Mulder's hand on her shoulder. He was sitting directly behind 
her. She closed her eyes and leaned back against it, taking strength 
in his presence. When her attorney finished, Ryan's began his opening 
statement. Ryan's attorney was a man. That had surprised the 
prosecutor. A woman presenting his case would be more sympathetic. 
They suspected that he chose a man for his ability to intimidate 
Scully on the stand...fluster or confuse her. To prepare for this, the 
prosecutor had a number of male attorneys listen to Scully's testimony 
and cross-examine her. Ruthlessly. Scully had to admit, this man made 
her nervous as she watched him.

He suggested to the jury that Scully was a sexual pervert and that she 
had lured Ryan to the house. He said her past sexual history would 
demonstrate she had a background of violence and perversion where men 
were concerned. Scully stared at him amazed. He would have one hell of 
a time proving that, she thought. Something in the jury box caught her 
attention and she glanced at the jury. They were looking at her as the 
defense lawyer spoke about her. Scully closed her eyes and despite her 
best efforts, a tear slid down her cheeks. She turned away from the 
jury.

"Turn back around," her lawyer whispered.

"No," Scully whispered back.

"Do it," her attorney insisted. "The jury needs to see you reacting 
this way. It's perfect...the best testimony you can give when it comes 
to establishing you weren't a willing participant."

"It's not an act," Scully whispered miserably.

The prosecution presented its case first, calling initially the 
detectives and agents that collected evidence at Scully's apartment 
and the house in Utah. Scully could listen to this testimony with 
relative ease. Next she called Skinner, to testify about the fight 
he'd witnessed between Scully and Ryan. Finally they called Mulder. 

When Scully heard the prosecutor call her to the stand, time stood 
still. She closed her eyes. Sick, she was going to be sick. She heard 
the judge asking her to come forward. She clenched her fists and 
walked to the witness stand. Her attorney began with simple questions 
related to her job--describe it, how'd she get into it etc. She 
recognized the tactic as one designed to make her relax. She tried to 
do so. The questions turned to the case--how did she meet Ryan, how 
long were they involved, were they still involved when 'the incident' 
occurred? Next, she described the fight and being shot, then the house 
where she awakened and conditions in which she found herself. Scully 
tensed, expecting the inevitable. Instead, the prosecutor asked her if 
she's ever been involved in hostage negotiation and proceeded with a 
series of questions designed to explain to the jury the priorities of 
hostage situations. Scully again recognized the point of the questions 
and answered them accordingly.

The prosecutor positioned herself firmly between Ryan and Scully so 
that Scully could no longer feel his eyes upon her. "Tell us, Agent 
Scully, how this knowledge regarding hostage situations helped you 
escape from that house. When you returned to consciousness, what did 
you have to do to escape?"

Scully closed her eyes and spoke. Somewhere in her narrative, tears 
began to stream down her face, but she never opened her eyes. Several 
times the judge reminded her to speak up and she tried. Several times, 
when she was describing particularly physically painful incidents, she 
thought she heard Mulder cry out and she realized he was crying openly 
as well, but she couldn't look at him. At a few points in her 
narrative, she was positive she heard both Mulder and Skinner react. 
When she was finished, from her position on the stand, head bowed, 
hands over her face, she stole a glance at the jury. Several of the 
female members were crying openly. One of the men was as well. She 
closed her eyes again.

"Cross examination?" she heard the judge ask. She cringed.

"Not at this time, Your Honor. The defense will recall the witness at 
a later time."

"Very well, you can step down, Agent Scully. The prosecution can call 
their next witness."

Scully fled the stand. Settling into her seat at the prosecution's 
table, she put her face in her hands on the desk. "The prosecution 
calls Andrew Ryan," she heard her attorney say in a clear voice.

"Oh God," Scully whispered to herself, looking up with fearful eyes. 
The prosecutor had again positioned herself between Scully and Ryan.

The prosecutor opened her questions, "Mr. Ryan, did you fight with, 
shoot, kidnap, and falsely imprison Special Agent Dana Scully and then 
proceed to rape her repeatedly as she just described in her 
testimony?"

"No I did not."

"Do you deny shooting her in her apartment?"

"No."

"Do you deny taking her while she was unconscious to Utah and 
handcuffing her?"

"No."

"Do you deny that you did not permit her to leave that house?"

"No."

"Do you deny having sexual intercourse with Agent Scully?"

"No."

"Then how can you claim this is not assault, kidnapping, false 
imprisonment, and rape?"

"Because she asked me to do these things. It was part of an elaborate 
sex game." The jury gasped, even though the opening statements had 
indicated this would be the defense. Scully sobbed out loud, only 
succeeding to silence herself by clamping her hand over her mouth.

The prosecutor produced the diary Mulder had found. Ryan admitted it 
was his and read the sections the prosecutor marked. Scully could 
barely restrain herself from fleeing the room. If it had been 
difficult for her to describe the events in that house, it was much 
worse to hear Ryan read his descriptions. Scully had used sterile, 
medical and technical terms whenever possible to refer to those acts. 
Ryan had written pornographic slang. Again she was crying openly. 
Mulder, who had already read the diary, was stalk still. She had 
peered at him quickly and saw his eyes closed but face relatively 
composed otherwise. Skinner was another story. He was livid. Face red, 
Scully could see the veins on his neck pounding. She turned back to 
face frontward. Again, when asked to cross-examine,  the defense said 
they would recall the witness.

The prosecution rested their case and the judge adjourned the court 
for the day. Scully returned the next day, knowing it would be worse.

"The defense calls Dana Katherine Scully to the stand." Scully's eyes 
closed for a moment before she rose to return to the witness stand. 
Her testimony when the prosecution presented their case had been 
difficult. She knew this would be hell. The defense attorney stood 
directly in front of her, blocking her view of her own attorney and of 
Mulder behind her. Ryan, however, she could see plainly staring right 
at her. She sat back against the wall of the witness stand, partially 
obscuring her view of Ryan. The judge reminded her that she was still 
under oath and she nodded.

"Dana," the defense attorney began. She didn't hear the question.

"Excuse me," she interrupted. The lawyer stumbled to a halt in his 
question. Scully continued in a low but firm voice. "You have shown 
every other witness in this trial the courtesy of titles and last 
names. Do not presume to call me by my first name. We are not friends. 
Agent or Dr. Scully. Not Dana."

The defense attorney raised his eyebrows. Mulder smirked. Scully was 
not going to be easily intimidated by mind games.

"I beg your pardon, Dr. Scully, I was asking you if you could identify 
the blonde man in the first seat of the first row behind the 
defendant?" Scully looked at him.

"It has been years since I have seen him, but I believe that is 
Collins Anderson."

"How do you know Mr. Anderson?"

"I dated him in college."

"For how long?"

"If I recall correctly, about a year. A little less maybe. But not 
much less."

"Did you ever have sexual intercourse with Mr. Anderson?"

"Yes I did."

The attorney pulled out a picture and handed it to Scully. Mulder saw 
her jaw drop and her eyes dart away from the picture. "Can you 
identify when that picture was taken and describe the circumstances 
surrounding it?"

"I don't remember the actual date," she replied in an obviously shaky 
voice. "It would have been at the end of my relationship with Mr. 
Anderson. Probably in June or July of 1982. It is a picture taken in 
the emergency room of Memorial hospital. I went there for treatment 
after Mr. Anderson hit me." She heard Mulder's gasp.

"Did he hit you regularly?"

"No!"

"Did you break up with him after this event?"

"I certainly did."

"Did you prosecute him for assault?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I was young. I didn't want my parents to find out something like that 
had happened to me. They would have been devastated."

He handed her more pictures. Mulder saw her only glance at them before 
turning them over. "Can you identify those pictures?"

She closed her eyes. "They are also pictures taken as evidence. I 
don't remember what hospitals."

"What do they show? When were they taken?"

"When another boyfriend hit me."

"Who?"

"Jack Willis."

"Who was he? Can you describe your relationship with Mr. Willis?"

"I met him in Quantico...the FBI training academy. He was an 
instructor when I was in training there in 1990. When I graduated and 
began to teach there myself, we dated. For about a year as well."

"Did you have intercourse with Mr. Willis as well?"

"Yes I did."

"In fact, you lived with him most of the time you were dating him?"

"Yes."

"Are these pictures from one hospital visit?"

"No, I believe they are from four separate visits." She stole a glance 
at Mulder. He was staring at her slack-jawed.

"So then, he hit you fairly regularly."

"He hit me four times."

"Did you prosecute him any of these times?"

"No."

"Why didn't you leave him the first time?"

"Because I was an idiot."

He handed her another picture and Mulder's eyebrows went through the 
roof. "Can you identify this picture and the circumstances when it was 
taken?"

"This picture is from February of 1997. It was taken in a Philadelphia 
hospital when I was admitted after nearly being murdered by Ed Jerse. 
He was convicted in 1998 on one count of murder and one count of 
attempted murder of a Federal Law Enforcement Officer, but was 
sentenced to time in a psychiatric clinic rather than prison."

"How did you come to be involved with him?"

"I met him in Philly while investigating a case. We went on a date."

"Did you have intercourse with him?"

"No."

"Did he hit you?"

"He had a tattoo that he thought was telling him to kill people. He 
didn't just hit me, he threw me against a wall, knocked me 
unconscious, and tried to throw me in an incinerator."

"Ok, let's talk about my client. Did he ever hit you?"

"To the best of my recollection, no. Except when he kidnapped me from 
my apartment. We fought then."

"We'll come back to that. How long did you and Mr. Ryan date...before 
the incidents on trial here?"

"A little under six months. Between May of 2000 and October of 2000."

"Did you have intercourse with him at that time?"

"No."

"Why not."

"Because I didn't want to," she answered flippantly.

"Did Mr. Ryan want to?"

"I don't know."

"So he never pressured you?"

"No, he was a perfect gentleman. Perfect."

"Did you like that?"

"Of course I did."

"I see. Did anything physically violent or rough happen between the 
two of you during that time?"

"I don't think so."

"Mr. Ryan is prepared to testify that he handcuffed you during a fight 
with you. Do you recall that incident?"

Scully looked at Ryan confused. "Yes, I can't imagine why he'd want to 
drag that...."

"Can you describe that incident yourself?" Scully shrugged and 
recounted what had happened in her bathroom and gave a brief 
description of the Pfaster case. "What happened after he released you 
from the handcuffs?"

"I was emotionally exhausted. I asked him to leave and I fell asleep."

"Did he leave?"

"He left the bedroom. That was all I wanted. I don't blame him for 
this incident. There is no way he could have known about Pfaster and 
he was only trying to help me. His behavior was a little rough but not 
really inappropriate."

"What happened when he came back into the bedroom?"

Scully looked at the lawyer sharply. "We talked."

"Anything else?"

"We kissed."

"Just kissed?"

"It may have gone a little past kissing."

"In fact you ended up completely naked in each other's arms. Is that 
correct?"

"Yes."

"How many times before that had you been intimate in any way?"

"Never. I had kissed him for the first time several nights prior. It 
pretty much stopped with a kiss."

"How did that incident in your bedroom end? Why not consummate the 
relationship then?"

"Mr. Ryan is undoubtedly prepared to testify that he walked away. He 
didn't want to take advantage of me while I was emotionally 
vulnerable."

"Is that true? Did he walk away?"

"Yes he did."

"How did you feel about that?"

"He did the right thing."

"Didn't you break up with him a day later?"

"Yes I did. But my decision to do so was not related to that 
incident."

"The day that you broke up with him, were you hung over?"

Scully glared at him. "Yes, I was."

"Would you explain why?"

"Because I had gone to a bar the night before and had too much to 
drink. What else causes a hang over?"

"How did Mr. Ryan find you that day?"

"He didn't. Agent Mulder did. They found me staying with a mutual 
friend in the bar where I had gotten drunk."

"What were you doing at that bar?"

"We've already established I was getting drunk."

"Ok, how did the night end?"

"I don't remember. I was too drunk."

"Miss Scully, the owner of that bar, Jack Harrison, is prepared to 
testify that he had prevented you from going home with a group of men. 
Is that what you recall?"

"I don't recall anything."

"Do you often go home with groups of men in bars?"

"Objection! He is badgering the witness and asking her to testify to 
hearsay evidence," her attorney stood, angrily.

"I'll rephrase the question," the defense lawyer stated. "Where did 
you meet Ed Jerse?"

"In a tattoo parlor."

"And you went out with him?"

"Yes I did."

There was a pause. "Are you currently involved romantically with 
anyone, Dr. Scully?"

"Yes."

"With?"

"Fox Mulder."

"And how long have you known Mr. Mulder?"

"Seven years."

"How long have you and he been romantically involved?"

"About five months, but two of those months are the two in question in 
this trial."

"And how did you meet him?"

"For seven years he has been my partner in the FBI."

"There are no regulations about dating your partner?"

"It is discouraged but not prohibited."

"Why is it discouraged?"

"It is considered dangerous. It might negatively affect reactions in 
life or death situations in the field."

"It's dangerous then. Has Mr. Mulder ever hit you?"

Scully's brow furrowed. She looked angry. "Certainly not."

"Have you had intercourse with Mr. Mulder?"

"Yes I have."

"Have you ever engaged in any unusual sexual practices with Mr. 
Mulder?"

"This is outrageous!" Mulder yelled leaning forward in his seat 
directly behind the prosecutor.

"Order!" yelled the judge. "Past sexual history was ruled admissible 
in this case. You will answer the question Dr. Scully."

Scully lowered her eyes. "Define unusual practices," she said.

"Did you, for example, ever engage in bondage?"

Scully closed her eyes. Mulder exploded. "This is completely 
outrageous!" The courtroom burst into confusion--Mulder yelling, the 
lawyers raising objections. The judge's voice raised above them all. 

"One more outburst Mr. Mulder and I will hold you in contempt."

Mulder's eyes were on fire. "I hold you in contempt. Past sexual 
history is normally inadmissible because it puts the victim on trial. 
How can you allow this travesty....?"

"Bailiff, remove Mr. Mulder. Mr. Hancock," she said to the defense 
lawyer. "I permitted this but I am leaning towards reversing that 
decision. Come to your point quickly."

"I'm almost there if the witness will answer the question," he 
replied.

Scully was watching the bailiff drag Mulder, still yelling, from the 
court. "Answer the question, Dr. Scully."

"Yes," she responded quietly. "We did once."

"Will you describe it please?"

Scully looked at him, astonished. "What would you like to know?"

"Bondage typically involves restraints. Who restrained whom?

Scully answered, eyes closed, tears flowing freely. "Mulder handcuffed 
me to the bed," she whispered.

"He handcuffed you to the bed?" he repeated in a loud voice that made 
her flinch.

"Yes."

"Did you enjoy this?"

"I can't deny that I did."

"Dr. Scully, Have you heard of the term 'Domination' in a sexual 
context?"

"Yes I have."

"Can you define it for those of us that haven't?"

"It refers to people who receive sexual gratification from controlling 
another person or by being controlled. It often involved control 
through bondage, physical abuse, or psychological abuse such as 
humiliation."

"You are very knowledgeable."

"Is that a question?"

"Sure. Why are you so knowledgeable?"

She looked at him coldly. "Because I am a pathologist and FBI agent. I 
can define and have investigated a variety of sexually deviant 
behaviors. Is that significant, somehow?"

"Have you investigated a number of cases involving sexual dominance?"

"Unfortunately, I have."

"Have those cases made you curious, Dr. Scully?"

"What!"

"Are you curious? Are you interested in experimenting with deviant 
sexual behavior? Are you interested in experimenting with Domination?"

"I am not interested in any such thing."

"Why did you do it then, with Mr. Mulder?"

"Mr. Mulder is not Mr. Ryan. Mr. Mulder and I did that once. Once. I 
had never done it before and I can assure you that after the 
experiences of the last year, I never will again."

"But wasn't all of your past sexual contact some variation of the same 
thing? All of your past boyfriends have been dangerous...violent in 
some way. They have hit you but you didn't prosecute them. You stayed 
with Jack Willis for a year even though he hit you repeatedly. Did you 
like it? Do you need the danger to enjoy sexual contact? Is that why 
you didn't have sex with Mr. Ryan prior to November 2000? He wasn't 
dangerous enough. Is that why the one time you did initiate sexual 
contact with him was after he handcuffed you in your bathroom? Did you 
end the relationship because he was too much of a gentleman to respond 
to violent sexual contact?"

"No!"

"Mr. Ryan is going to testify that you asked him to take you to that 
house. That it was an elaborate sexual game and that when he wanted 
out, you tried to kill him. Did you enjoy bondage with Mr. Ryan as you 
enjoyed it with Mr. Mulder?"

"Mulder didn't rape me. Mulder didn't shoot me, drag me to a house, 
lock me in it, and cuff me to a bed until I was bleeding."

"Isn't it true that you found the actions in that house exciting?"

"I found them revolting!"

"No more questions, Your Honor."

"Cross examination?" the judge asked Scully's lawyer.

She stood and looked at Scully apologetically. "You know we have to do 
this," she said quietly. Scully nodded. "Ok, Agent Scully," she 
continued in a louder voice, "since the defense wants to claim that 
you enjoy deviant sexual behavior, let's investigate that more 
carefully. Have you, before the events of October through December 
2000, ever engaged in any of the following sexual practices: Anal 
sex?"

"No."

"Oral sex?"

"No."

"Multiple sexual partners?"

"No."

"Group sex?"

"No."

"One night stands?"

"No."

"Have you ever purchased the services of a prostitute?"

"No!"

"Have you ever gone to a strip club or seen men or women dance or 
perform naked?"

"Outside the line of duty, no."

"Homosexual or bisexual encounters or behaviors of any nature?"

"No."

"Sex in public locations?"

"No."

"Voyeurism?"

"No."

"Fetish behaviors?"

"No."

"Sex with a minor?"

"Of course not."

"Bestiality?"

"God!...No!"

"Sex in any of the following positions," and the prosecutor rattled 
off a list of terms that actually made Scully laugh.

"Beyond the first two things you said, I don't even know what you're 
talking about. I have no idea whether I've done those things but I 
doubt it."

"What positions have you had sex in, Dr. Scully?"

Scully was already blushing but she felt the color rise in her cheeks 
even more. "Every time but once, I was lying on my back in the 
bed...once I was on top."

"That's it? And the only place you've ever had sex was in a bed?"

"Once in a shower...Mulder's," she whispered, eyes closed.

"Have you alone or with a partner ever used any sort of sex toy--
dildos...?"

"No."

"Have you ever purchased pornography of any sort--videos, magazines, 
books...?"

"No."

"Sadist or masochistic practices such as the use of whips or other 
instruments to inflict pain?"

"No!"

"Have you ever asked a sexual partner to hurt you or been asked to 
hurt a sexual partner?

"No."

"Have you ever derived sexual pleasure through pain or fear?"

"No."

"Agent Scully, do you often see violence in your line of work?"

"Everyday."

"How does it make you feel? Does it make you want to experience 
violence?"

"Sick. It makes me sick. I could have gone into practice as a doctor 
and made a fortune. I became...I am an FBI agent to fight violence."

"You indicated in your testimony that you had sex with Mr. Anderson, 
Mr. Willis, and Mr. Mulder. How many other men have you had sex with?"

"And Mr. Ryan. That's all."

"So, voluntarily, with three men?"

"Yes."

"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"

"I was 19."

"How long had you been in that relationship when you had intercourse 
with Mr. Anderson?"

"Almost a year."

"How long was it before the next time you had sexual intercourse?"

"It would have been about five years."

"That was Mr. Willis?"

"Yes."

"Why did you live with him?"

"Because I wanted the commitment...needed it to feel comfortable with 
the sexual intimacy of the relationship. I was too young and 
inexperienced to realize that living with someone didn't necessarily 
represent commitment."

"So you feel that commitment is an important factor in enjoying sexual 
intercourse."

"Essential, yes."

"And then between that time and the next time?"

"That would have been...almost ten years."

"But in those five and ten year periods you had regular sexual contact 
that didn't involve intercourse?"

"When I was in college I dated regularly and I certainly kissed those 
men, but not much else. Since I became a field agent, I don't have 
time for those things. Before Mr. Ryan and I began dating, I hadn't 
been on a date since 1991. Except for Ed Jerse."

"So you wouldn't consider yourself to have a voracious sexual 
appetite?"

She laughed softly at that. "No, not really."

"Would you consider yourself sexually aggressive, Agent Scully?"

"Hardly," she laughed. "No not at all."

"If I put Mr. Anderson, Mr. Willis, or Mr. Mulder on the stand, would 
they say you are sexually aggressive?"

"Objection, the question requires the witness to speculate on the 
opinions of others."

"Sustained."

"Ok, Agent Scully, have any of those men commented on your attitudes 
towards sexuality to you?"

"Yes, Agent Mulder has told me on several occasions that he thinks I'm 
far too conservative. That I won't do...I'm obviously uncomfortable 
trying...unusual...non-standard things. Mr. Willis said that often as 
well...but he's dead, you can't confirm that."

"Do you often experiment with new or different sexual behaviors, Agent 
Scully?"

"Almost never. The closest things that I've ever done that could be 
defined as sexually deviant have all been with Agent Mulder."

"Specify again what those things were."

Scully looked down. "We did use the handcuffs once...and we made love 
in the shower once...that's all really."

"Why him?"

Her voice and expression softened. "I've known him for seven years. 
When you are partnered with someone that long, you get to know them 
very well. I spend at least 12 hours a day, at least five but usually 
six or seven days a week with him--normally in close conditions like 
hotels or cars during stakeouts. Your life depends on knowing each 
other extremely well. I have to know exactly how Mulder will react in 
life and death situations so I know how to react myself. I know Mulder 
better than I know my own brothers. He knows me better than my mother 
does. I trust him implicitly. In the field, my life is literally in 
his hands. If he told me to jump off a twenty-story building, I'd do 
it without hesitation, assuming he knew what he was doing. When our 
relationship changed from being just friends to being...romantically 
involved, it wasn't hard to extend the trust that was already so 
fundamental in all other aspects of our lives to intimate 
relationships."

"So trust is important to you in intimate relationships?"

"Very."

"Do you like to experience fear in connection with sexual contact?"

"No."

"You stated before that you never experimented with bondage except 
that one time with Agent Mulder. Why do it then?"

She sighed and looked down. "We had been discussing...joking about the 
topic. He knows I don't like to be out of control and I think he was 
enjoying teasing me about something he assumed would set me off. Later 
that day, when we were...making love in my bedroom...he was undressing 
me. We had been in the office that day and I was wearing my gun and 
cuffs. I'm required to wear them while I'm on a case. He took my 
holster and cuffs off my belt when he was unfastening it. One of us 
made a joke about it again...I don't remember...it just went from 
there. All he did was handcuff me and then do the same things we 
always did. Nothing else. There was certainly no pain involved. And 
when I asked him to unlock the cuffs, he did. Immediately. I wouldn't 
have done it at all if I had the slightest doubt he wouldn't."

"Why did you enjoy it?"

"I love Mulder. I enjoy having sex with him. He is a very intense man, 
including in the bedroom. I didn't specifically enjoyed being 
handcuffed."

"So Agent Mulder is a good lover?"

"Yes."

"He satisfies you?"

"Yes."

"Then why would you leave him to go off with Mr. Ryan?"

"I didn't voluntarily go off with Mr. Ryan. He shot me, he kidnapped 
me, and he held me against my will for almost two months."

"That's all your honor." She moved to sit down and Scully stood to 
leave the stand. "Oh wait." Scully looked at her painfully. "Did you 
ever tell Mr. Ryan about your experience with Mr. Mulder and 
handcuffs, Agent Scully?"

"No, come to think of it, I didn't."

"Did you ever video tape yourself and any man having sexual 
relations?"

Th is question clearly caught  Scully off guard. "Are you insane? 
Certainly not!"

"That is all your honor." 

"Redirect, Your Honor," said the defense attorney. The judge nodded. 
"Ms. Scully, did you or did you not agree to every sexual act that 
occurred in that house in Utah? Yes or no?"

"Not willingly."

"But you agreed?"

"Not willingly, no."

"Did Mr. Ryan physically force himself on you?"

"No, he coerced...."

"No further questions, Your Honor."

"You can step down, Agent Scully." Scully left the stand. Sitting next 
to her attorney, she let her face drop into her hands again.

"The defense calls Andrew Ryan." And indeed, Scully listened to him 
testify that she had wanted to go to the house, that it was a bondage 
game, that she had agreed to every act. She looked up when the judge 
called for cross-examination and saw the jury was staring at her. She 
realized that she must appear to be literally cringing in the chair 
and she straightened up. She glanced behind her, wishing that Mulder 
hadn't gotten himself thrown out of the courtroom, and saw Skinner had 
moved up behind her. He put his hand on her shoulder when she leaned 
back in her chair. She put her hand over his, squeezing hard. He 
returned the squeeze.

"I know it may not seem like it from your point of view, but this is 
going very well. And here's where it gets better," he whispered to 
her.

"Mr. Ryan, you testified that you took Agent Scully to Utah at her 
request. Did you attack her in her apartment? Did you shoot her?"

"Yes. I don't deny that."

"And this was part of the game?"

"She wanted to feel completely out of control so she asked me to 
surprise her and take her away forcibly. She said any force 
necessary."

"So you shot her?" Do you think she liked that?"

"She stayed with me. She had sex with me afterwards."

"Right. To play this little game, did you and Agent Scully take 
vacation time?

"It was kind of spur of the moment. We didn't put in for vacation."

"So essentially, you and she both simply abandoned your jobs? A job 
she has been working at for ten years and one you have been working 
for four years?"

"Yes."

"Why would you do that? Why would she?"

"I guess she did it because she was so wrapped up in the game. She 
couldn't control it anymore."

"And you?"

"I'm so much younger than she is. It was all very overwhelming."

"So you are saying she confused you. She manipulated you."

"Yes."

"Mr. Ryan, what about the diary you read during your previous 
testimony? How was that part of this game?"

"She liked me to write stuff like that and read it to her. Sometimes 
we'd write down stuff and then act it out."

"I see. Could we look at that diary again?" The bailiff handed it to 
her. "Mr. Ryan, in what month did you and Agent Scully begin dating?"

"In February, I think."

"When was your first case together?"

"That same month."

"And that's when you met her?"

"Yes."

"In February of 2000?"

"Yes."

"But Mr. Ryan, there are references in this diary to Agent Scully that 
significantly pre-date February 2000. You first mention her in March 
of 1999, I think."

"That entire diary was written in the last few months. It's all 
fiction. Part of the game."

"So most of the events in here didn't really happen. Like the video 
taping of her apartment referred to here on pages 24, 36, and 49 of 
the diary. Could you read this please?" He complied, reading a section 
of the diary, which mentioned videos of Mulder and Scully in her 
apartment. Scully's jaw dropped. "So all that is part of the game?" 
the prosecutor repeated.

Ryan looked nervous. "Yes, she liked to pretend that I'd been watching 
her."

"Right. But those video tapes never existed?"

"No."

"But Mr. Ryan weren't you charged with Federal indictments of illegal 
surveillance and didn't you plead to lesser charges just last month?"

"Objection, your honor. My client's previous convictions are not 
admissible."

"They are if he just lied on the stand under oath. He just said he 
didn't videotape Agent Scully. That this diary was fiction. Did he or 
didn't he? Is it or isn't it?"

"There was no trial...there is no evidence that Mr. Ryan illegally 
video taped Ms. Scully specifically."

"Sustained, it is true that you can't prove it was your client he 
video taped."

"Yes I can, Your Honor. I have the tape right here, or at least one of 
them. Over four hundred such videotapes were obtained under a federal 
search warrant. These videos have Mr. Ryan's fingerprints on them as 
did the surveillance equipment found in Agent Scully's and Agent 
Mulder's homes. If Mr. Ryan has lied on the stand, I would like an 
opportunity to prove that."

"I will allow this line of questioning to continue. You are under oath 
Mr. Ryan."

The prosecutor continued, "Would you like to reconsider your testimony 
that you didn't video tape Agent Scully?"

"I did video tape her."

Scully was literally sitting on the edge of her chair, leaning over 
the table before her, eyes wide and hand over her mouth.

"So that part of the diary is factual?"

"Yes it is."

"Ok. Your honor I would like to play for the jury a portion of the 
video tape found by Assistant Director Skinner in Mr. Ryan's VCR at 
the time of the search. I would like to warn the jury, this tape may 
offend some of you. The people you will see in the video are my 
client, Agent Scully, and her boyfriend, Agent Mulder." She hit play. 
The tape was of Scully, handcuffed to the bed in her apartment, Mulder 
lying on top of her, kissing her. 

"Oh my God!" Scully clamped her hand over her mouth and ran from the 
courtroom. The prosecutor stopped the tape.

"Would you like a recess to collect your client?" the judge asked.

"No, Your Honor. I'd like to finish this line of questioning first."

"Proceed."

"Did you make that video tape, Mr. Ryan?"

"Yes, I have already plead guilty to illegal surveillance."

"Were you watching that video immediately before you and Agent Scully 
went to Utah? It was in your VCR?"

"Yes I was."

"How did you feel when Mr. Mulder and Dr. Scully began dating, Mr. 
Ryan. Were you jealous?"

"Yes, I was," he responded coldly.

"So you admit the part of this diary that says you video taped Agent 
Scully is not fiction, yet you claim you wrote all the rest of it as 
part of sex game. That all the rest is fiction. Are you sure it's not 
also truth and not fiction when you write, and I quote, 'She may be 
here against her will now. But I will teach her to love me. I will 
make her forget Fox Mulder and she will love me.' Was that fiction or 
fact, Mr. Ryan?" Ryan stared at her. "I have no further questions, 
Your Honor."

"Re-direct?" he asked the defense attorney.

"No, Your Honor."

"You may step down, Mr. Ryan. This court will take a one-hour recess. 
Collect your client, Ms. Jansberry."

****

Skinner and the prosecutor quickly exited the courtroom. Scully was no 
where to be seen. The prosecutor looked into the women's restroom. 
"She's in here," she said to Skinner.

Skinner entered without hesitation.

"You can't come in here, sir," Scully stammered.

"I don't care. I'm going to lock the outside door so no one else comes 
in. Is that alright?" Scully nodded slowly. "If that makes you 
uncomfortable, Scully, I won't. I just don't want to scare some old 
woman."

"It's ok," she said as convincingly as she could.

Skinner turned and locked the door. "I take it you didn't know the 
prosecutor was going to do that?" he began with a gentle voice.

She looked at him hard. "I didn't know those tapes existed. I didn't 
know Ryan copped a plea on that. Mulder didn't tell me specifically on 
what. Oh my God, sir, what else is on those tapes? Who's seen them?"

"Ryan, obviously, given what he told the defense attorney about you 
and Mulder. And Mulder--I asked him to catalogue the tapes. That's all 
we know. I wouldn't be surprised if some of Ryan's partner's in crime 
have seen them. No one else at the Bureau has, including me. As far as 
what's on them...Mulder said they appeared to be your living room, 
bedroom, and kitchen 24 hours a day for about the last year. You guess 
from there what's on them."

"Oh my God," she repeated. She looked ill. "What did Ryan plea to?"

"Invasion of privacy...two years, no parole. Federal, since a Federal 
agent is involved. Of course, it also got him dismissed from the 
Bureau."

"It's not enough. How could they accept a plea without even speaking 
to me?" Skinner didn't answer. "Where's Mulder?" she asked tiredly.

"Oh, he'll get jail time for that outburst. I'm guessing thirty days. 
I called Kimberly on my cell phone. She's looking into it and she'll 
call when she gets something."

"Thirty.... I'm going to kill him for that. We've got to talk to the 
judge...."

"I'll go try, Scully. Are you ok?"

"I'm wishing Ryan had killed me, sir. This is killing me. It's a worse 
nightmare than the experience itself. I'll never criticize another 
victim for not testifying. I'm not even sure I'll be able to try to 
talk them into it."

"For the record, I agree with Mulder. I think this whole defense has 
been a complete travesty. The thing to remember is, despite that, you 
did an excellent job. The jury members were not reacting well to the 
defense. Ryan is going to get life, I guarantee it."

"I hope you're right, sir."

****

During the recess, Skinner went and talked with the judge about 
Mulder, explaining his importance to Scully's emotional stability and 
pointing out the circumstances under which he'd made his comments. He 
begged the judge to fine Mulder but release him. Fortunately, the 
judge was sympathetic and agreed--to the maximum fine allowable by 
law. She also banned Mulder from the courtroom. 

The defense rested its case after the recess and the judge adjourned 
the court for lunch, asking for closing arguments when they returned. 
Scully endured this process as stoically as she could but as the judge 
was giving instructions to the jury, her head fell again to her hands. 
He reminded them that this was a criminal trial and that the defendant 
might receive life in prison if convicted...that the prosecution must 
prove their case not with a preponderance of evidence, but rather 
beyond a shadow of a doubt. As Scully watched the jury retire, she 
prayed that they could see the truth.

She got up.

"Can I contact you on your cell phone Agent Scully?" the prosecutor 
asked as Scully moved to leave. She took some satisfaction in seeing 
Ryan led back to his cell to wait for the verdict.

"They won't come back tonight, will they? It's almost three o'clock."

"If our case is strong in their minds...if there are no hold-outs, 
they'll come back quickly. I'm confident they will."

"I wish I had your faith," Scully smiled weakly, leaning 
appreciatively on Skinner who had come forward to lead her out.

"I've been in the courtroom almost fifteen years, Agent Scully. 
They'll come back tonight. Don't go too far."

Scully nodded.

Skinner turned to her. "Mulder is outside. Do you want to...?" She was 
already heading for the door. He was sitting on the bench outside when 
she burst through the courtroom door. He stood, concern written 
plainly on his face. Oblivious to anyone else's presence, she threw 
herself into his arms, burying her face against his chest. He looked 
at Skinner for an explanation.

"The jury has retired. The prosecutor seems to think it will be a fast 
verdict. She asked us to hang around. I talked to the judge for you by 
the way, you idiot."

"Thank you, sir," Mulder replied.

Scully turned. "Yes, thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate 
that."

"I did it for you, Scully. Not Mulder. You've got to learn to keep 
your big mouth shut mister, and thirty days might not have been such a 
bad way to do it."

"Twenty thousand dollars is no small fine, sir."

"Twenty thousand!" Scully and Skinner marveled in unison. "Good God, 
Mulder! Where are you going to get that kind of money?" Scully added.

"I have it. I certainly can think of cooler things to spend it on. But 
I have it. I already paid it off. Let's get something to eat and find 
someplace else to talk."

****

Scully walked back into the courtroom with a sense of dread. The jury 
had deliberated only one hour. She knew that was supposed to be a good 
sign for the prosecution, but she was scared to death. She knew she'd 
never make it if they set Ryan free. She'd kill him and happily go to 
jail herself. She wished Mulder could be in the courtroom.

"Have you reached a verdict?" 

"We have Your Honor." The jury foreman handed a piece of paper to the 
bailiff, who carried it to the judge. She looked at it and returned 
it. The process seemed to last forever to Scully.

"Alright, on the first count: Assault with a deadly weapon on a 
Federal Agent, how do you find the defendant?"

"Guilty, Your Honor."

Scully broke into tears of relief as the prosecutor and Skinner patted 
her on the back and began the congratulations.

"On the second count: Kidnapping a Federal Agent, how do you find the 
defendant?

"Guilty, Your Honor."

"On the third count: False imprisonment, how do you find the 
defendant?"

"Guilty, Your Honor."

"And on the fourth count: First degree rape, how do you find the 
defendant?"

"Guilty, Your Honor."

Scully vaguely heard the judge polling the individual jury members 
regarding their verdicts. More than anything else, she wanted out of 
that courtroom. She wanted to tell Mulder. She wanted to begin to live 
again. The judge instructed the jury and attorneys to return on such 
and such date to deliberate on sentencing and adjourned the court for 
the day. Scully turned to leave and found herself face to face with 
Ryan in the aisle between the lawyers' tables. Automatically, she 
stepped back. The look on his face was one of rage. Skinner stepped 
forward and interposed himself, his broad shoulders blocking Scully's 
view of Ryan entirely. Ryan turned and the officers handcuffed him. 
Scully made her way down the aisle to the exit.

Mulder stood upon seeing her, brows furrowed. There were tears still 
running down her cheeks.

"Scully," he breathed. "He couldn't have walked?"

"No, no Mulder. Guilty on all four counts." She relaxed into his arms, 
holding him tight.

"Thank God," Mulder whispered. He held her for a moment until Skinner 
emerged as well. "I'm taking her home," Mulder said. 

Skinner nodded. "Get some rest. Both of you." They left.

Mulder led her to the car, watching her carefully.  She was nearly as 
dazed as she had been the night they returned to Washington. It was 
obvious to Mulder that she was completely emotionally drained. 

"Your apartment or mine?" he asked as he started the car.

"Do you mind if we go to mine? I'd like to take a nice, long, hot 
bath."

"Yours it is. I could get us something to eat while you soak. What 
would you like? Something nicer then pizza or Chinese...what if I went 
and got something from that new Italian restaurant?"

"God, Mulder, that would be excellent. Get some wine too. I'm actually 
in the mood to celebrate. I can't believe this is over."

"Are you going to make a statement at his sentencing?"

"Definitely. I want life, Mulder. I can't take any less than that. 
He'll get it too. I'll see to that."

"You already did. I can't believe how well you handled that trial, 
Scully. It was completely intolerable. I've never met anyone who could 
have stood up to that. I couldn't have," he laughed, "as we both saw. 
I am so sorry for making that outburst. I was so angry with myself. I 
wanted to be there with you...."

"It was probably better that you didn't hear all of that. That was 
doubtlessly the most thorough analysis ever done of any aspect of my 
life. The interviews for my security clearance weren't nearly as 
stringent." She sighed. "That was worse than the experience itself, 
Mulder. Really. I can't believe it was allowed."

"Well, as the defense attorney argued, there was no case...no defense, 
otherwise. Of course, there was no other defense because what he did 
was undefendable...but never mind that." He looked at her. "Point is, 
Scully, it worked out perfectly. You didn't see the way the jury was 
looking at you and the defense attorney. The men on the jury were 
murderous. The women looked like they'd die at any minute. You want to 
talk about a strategy that backfired...that was it. Big time. And Ryan 
is going to jail for a very long time, you can put this behind you, 
and you never have to see anyone in that courtroom ever again. There 
were no cameras...Skinner actually managed to keep the press low 
key...for a horrific situation, it worked out ok."

"Mulder, I am so ashamed that Skinner heard all that. You missed the 
worse. The defense attorney obviously asked me about the time you and 
I...well after we watched that video...."

"Got it."

"Well, after making me describe that, he asked me if I liked it that 
way with Ryan as much as I liked it with you."

Mulder almost ran the car off the road. "He asked you what!" Mulder 
screamed, looking at her with wild eyes. Scully actually feared for 
the safety of the defense attorney if Mulder ever saw him again.

"I had to answer that. And then he asked me if I could define 
'domination' in a sexual content. When I did, he asked me if I liked 
that sort of thing. It was incredible. But the worst part was when the 
damn prosecutor stood up and asked me if I'd ever done this or 
that...all these sexual things just to make me answer 'no' over and 
over again so the jury could see I wasn't some kind of pervert." 
Scully actually laughed. "I'm going to request the transcripts of that 
part of the trial through work. I want you to explain to me some of 
the things she was referring to. I honestly have no idea what they 
are."

Mulder burst out laughing at that. "I might not know, Scully."

"You might not. It got pretty out there." She shook her head for a few 
minutes, obviously remembering. "God, Mulder. I am so glad that is 
over." They were silent for a few minutes and then Scully burst out 
laughing again.

"Share with me," Mulder said dryly. "I could use the laugh."

"Do you remember when you asked me about my past...how reluctant I was 
to even admit to you that I'd slept with two men? God what a joke. I 
just told a whole room full of perfect strangers every one of the 
minutest details of my entire sex life and I was afraid to tell the 
person I know best that I'd slept with two other men. So, Mulder...any 
questions? I guess I've got nothing to hide now."

Her tone was joking but Mulder knew it covered the deep embarrassment, 
humiliation, and pain she was feeling. "Scully," he said solemnly, 
"what you did in that court room...what you said...was the bravest 
thing I have ever seen anyone do. I know exactly how difficult it was 
for you. I know you are a very private person. Just remember...doing 
it put the son-of-a-bitch away. It was worth it. Even it you can't see 
it right now."

"I know it was worth it. I see that right now...since he's going to 
jail. It's just extremely humiliating. Thank God I never did anything 
I needed to be ashamed of."

"Scully, can I ask you why you never told me about what happened 
between you and Willis?" he asked quietly.

"I was young, Mulder. And like I said, I was an idiot. I can't imagine 
where they dug up those records. I never wanted anyone to know about 
that."

"I can't imagine you tolerating that sort of treatment."

"You're only that young and that stupid once Mulder. I can't imagine 
it now either. I didn't have much self- confidence then. My dad really 
opposed my choice of careers and Jack was very supportive of it. It 
was an approval thing.  It's hard to explain"

"I understand. I really shouldn't pressure you to..."

"I'm fine, Mulder. I really am. I feel better than I have in months." 
She laughed. "Take advantage of your opportunity, Mulder. I'll 
probably answer any question you ask after today."

Mulder pulled into a parking space on the street in front of her 
apartment. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Scully," he said smiling. 
With his hand on her back, he guided her up the walk to her apartment 
building.

continued

Title: Exploring Desires Part XI
Author: Katherine Benton


SCULLY'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN
Scully unlocked the door and went straight for the bathroom. Mulder 
heard the water running. He was ordering the Italian when she came 
back into the living room. She waited for him to hang up. "Mulder, 
tell me about the surveillance equipment you found in here."

He looked at her nervously. "What do you want to know?"

"Why didn't you tell me? Start with that."

"I couldn't. I tried. It was too much...on top of everything else."

"Do you think it was easier for me to see one run in court and find 
out that way?" He stared at her,  a pained, troubled expression in his 
eyes. "Whatever. Where did you find the equipment?"

"All the rooms except the bath."

"Did you get all of it?"

"We're pretty certain, yes."

She hesitated. "Ok, I'm going to go try to enjoy this bath and pretend 
like I believe I'm not being filmed while I'm in it."

"I'll have dinner back here by the time you're done. Ok?" She smiled 
and he left to pick up the food.

True to his promise, as usual, when Scully emerged from the bath, 
Mulder had her table set with food, wine, and candles. She smiled 
broadly at the candles. Mulder pulled the chair out for her and she 
sat down. She was dressed in satin pajamas with a matching satin robe. 
She smelled of the bath salts--a fruity, flowery smell that Mulder 
associated with her. He was struck, as he often was, by how beautiful 
she was. And by how much he wanted her. 

He banished the thought and served her the wine. They toasted the 
victory and ate dinner. Scully smiled at his weak jokes. Somewhere in 
the middle of the dinner, Mulder realized that Scully was really 
smiling, really laughing. Like she used to. This was no act. Not her 
going through the motions. She really seemed happy and relaxed. Mulder 
relaxed and smiled himself. By the time dinner was done and the wine 
was gone Mulder almost felt normal. He got up to clear the table and 
Scully helped him.

He watched as she rinsed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. 
The satin robe clung to her and he enjoyed watching her body as she 
bent over the dishwasher to arrange the dishes. So 
slender...delicate...shapely. She glanced behind her and caught the 
expression on his face. She turned to face him, amused, and he 
realized he'd been caught.

"Sorry," he whispered and looked away. She walked into his arms.

"It's ok," she whispered back to him. She slid her hands up his chest, 
to his face. He closed his eyes. Her hands slipped behind his neck and 
she pulled him down. Their lips met for the first time in four months. 
He kissed her gently and she returned the kiss hungrily, pressing 
herself against him. Hands on her waist, he pulled her closer still 
and his lips slid from hers to her neck. 

"God, Mulder," she moaned. Her tone was plainly lustful.

His hands roamed over the satin robe. Pulling it open, he pushed it 
off her shoulders. It fell in a  mint green pool on the floor. The 
buttons of her pajama top were next. Very slowly he unbuttoned them, 
his lips following his hands. When the top was unbuttoned, he pushed 
it open revealing her body. He glided his hands over her bare body up 
her waist to brush his thumbs on the underside of her breasts.

"Beautiful," he whispered against her skin. His breath tickled. She 
moaned again. He looked at her, raw desire in his eyes. "Scully, stop 
this now. You can stop this now."

"I don't want to stop."

"I want you, Scully," his voice was low, rough. "I want to make love 
to you." His hands ran aggressively across her body as he spoke. He 
was clearly barely in control.

Scully pulled his lips to hers again and kissed him passionately. "I 
want you to make love to me," she said in a strong voice. "I want...." 
She didn't get to finish her statement. 

Mulder picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom. As he 
laid her on the bed, his lips and hands descended on her breasts. She 
closed her eyes. Her breathing was almost as fast as her heartbeat. He 
covered her with his body, pulling her against him hard, possessing 
her. She felt desire overwhelm her. He pulled off his tie and shirt in 
one motion. She touched his chest lightly, reveling in the feeling of 
touching a man she wanted to be with. His reaction encouraged more and 
he fairly growled when her hands grazed his rock hard erection through 
his pants. She pulled at his belt but he pushed her hands away and 
pulled it off himself. He kneeled over her and pushed his pants off 
and hers as well. 

He worshipped her body with his hands, his lips, his tongue. He 
circled her nipples with his tongue, kneading her breasts with his 
hands. He bit them lightly and she writhed under him, arching her back 
to lift her body and encourage his touch. His hands moved to her body, 
moving strongly over her back, waist, hips. His lips moved to her flat 
stomach. She knew what he would do next and she moaned in 
anticipation.

His hands parted her legs and lightly brushed over her thighs and the 
V of auburn curls. She moaned again. His fingers played over her slick 
folds. She raised her hips, pushing against his hands. He entered her 
with his fingers. His mouth teased her. He placed kisses on her 
thighs, her stomach, her hips...before finally falling on where she 
wanted them most.  He licked her clit and then began to suck it. She 
fairly screamed and came instantly. 

When she relaxed, he shifted his weight, covering her body with his 
again, he returned to kissing her neck and breasts. The intensity of 
her orgasm surprised her. Her mind was swimming. She was still in a 
pleasure-induced daze when she felt his erection pressing against her. 
When he entered her in one swift stroke, she gasped and he froze.

"Are you alright?" he asked somewhat panicked.

"Yes," she answered with a soft voice. She felt him begin to pull away 
from her. She stopped him with her hands on his hips. "I want this," 
she whispered. "I just wasn't ready...I was still focusing on...." She 
trailed off and he smiled and relaxed against her. He leaned down and 
kissed her deeply. In a moment, he felt her hips buck gently against 
him. He grasped her hips and began to slide in and out of her. She 
moaned again and soon they both climaxed together. When her body 
relaxed again, he pulled her against him. "I love you, Scully," he 
whispered in her ear over and over.

****

Scully awoke in the middle of the night with a start. Mulder was lying 
next to her, still naked. He was actually asleep, lying on his side, 
facing her. He had kicked the covers off himself. She admired his 
body. He had a phenomenal body for a man half his age. She lightly ran 
her hand over his waist and hips. Her hand moved up to his hair, 
brushing it from his eyes. She touched his lips with her fingers. He 
opened his eyes blearily. 

"Scully?" he whispered, still getting his bearings. They very rarely 
stayed in her apartment. "What is it? Are you ok?"

She looked at him. He couldn't read her expression. "For two months," 
she whispered, "I tolerated what he did to me by pretending it was 
you...your hands, your lips. The hardest part was waking up next to 
him and seeing him, not you. I was just enjoying looking at you."

He closed his eyes and pulled her against to him. "It's over, Scully. 
It's always going to be me here beside you. I want you here, always."

"I will be."

He kissed her gently and let his hands roam over her body softly. When 
he pulled away from her, there was a question in his eyes. He tried to 
disguise it, but she saw it. "Ask me," she whispered.

"It's about Ryan," he warned.

"Ask me."

He looked at her, in his arms. "Scully, you don't believe I would do 
any of the things he did to you, do you?"

"No, Mulder. I know you'd never do anything you thought I didn't want. 
I don't have the slightest doubt of that."

"How could you imagine it was me...forcing you to...do things I know 
you'd never do...things that I know hurt you. I would never hurt you 
physically."

"I know that, Mulder... but I... had to do something to shut it out. 
If I didn't, I would have lost my mind. He didn't hurt me often...." 
she trailed off. 

There was a pause. "I read the diary. I read it the day after we 
returned to Washington when it came in with the other evidence. I had 
to know what he did to you. I read it and I knew. But hearing you 
describe it yesterday on the stand was different. Ryan didn't see...he 
didn't describe your pain. I've seen that now. " He paused and Scully 
felt his body tense. "That man should be very glad he got convicted. 
Nothing can happened to him in prison that could top what I spent the 
afternoon imagining doing to him. But I can imagine some things 
happening to him in prison that are pretty satisfying...."

"Don't Mulder. Don't. I hope nothing happens to him. He's insane, 
Mulder. That's obvious. He wanted me to love him and he thought he 
could make that happen...."

"Is this how he thought he could make you love him?" Mulder 
interrupted angrily, jabbing a finger at a scar on her body. He didn't 
want to imagine its origin. "I spent seven years wondering how I could 
make you love me. Do you think it ever occurred to me to...."

"Don't Mulder. Please. I don't want to hear you say those things. I 
spent seven years wanting you as well. When I finally had what I 
wanted, Ryan took it away for two months. I finally have it back...I 
finally have you back...and my life back. I don't want to give him 
another moment of my life. He's had enough of it. I want you to have 
it now. I love you Fox Mulder. Like I've never loved anyone. You're 
all I need."

"God I love you, Scully," he kissed her again. "I would do anything to 
make you forget...to make it never happen," he whispered between 
kisses.

"I don't remember...I don't think about it when I'm with you. I told 
you, you are all I need to get through this." He kissed her again, 
holding her desperately, his body still tense. "Mulder, I'm worried 
about you. I've never seen you this out of control."

"I've never been this angry. Nothing has ever hurt me this much. If I 
know you're alright, then I will be too."

"I am, Mulder."

He nodded, and returned to kissing her.

****

They spent the next day in routine activities and Scully luxuriated in 
the feeling of normality--a feeling she hadn't experienced in almost a 
year. That night, she was reading a book in Mulder's apartment while 
he flipped through some papers. He had been silent since they finished 
dinner...since he started with that file. Scully watched him work. 
Finally curiosity got the better of her.

"Is that our next case?" she asked looking at him from over her book.

He looked up. "It's the trial transcript," he replied softly. She 
raised her eyebrows. He looked down. "Do you care if I read it?"

"Of course not, Mulder. If twelve perfect strangers could hear it, 
there's no reason why you shouldn't."

"Good," he smirked. "'cause I'm mostly done with it." He looked over 
at her seriously. "I'm extremely glad I didn't see most of this. 
I...."

"Don't, Mulder. I don't want to think about it...not because I'm 
trying not to deal with it, not because I'm avoiding it. I just don't 
want to think about standing in front of a room of people answering 
questions about whether I've had homosexual experiences," she snorted. 
So did he. "That was hilarious...when you think about it." He laughed.

"Like you said...at least she didn't ask you anything you had to 
answer 'yes' to."

"Little risk of that, Mulder. I've had a pretty tame sex life. 
Besides, we carefully designed the questions before hand so she didn't 
ask any I'd say 'yes' to. Note she said 'purchased' pornography and 
not watched it."

"Still, you lied during your testimony, you know," was looking at her 
with a mild expression, slightly amused, slightly shocked.

"I certainly did not."

"You said you had not experienced oral sex. I believe you had." Not 
knowing how she would react to this discussion, he was trying not to 
leer at her.

She blushed but didn't turn away from him or change her expression. "I 
assumed the prosecutor was referring to performing oral sex. In which 
case, my answer was true," she responded with a mischievous look on 
her face. "But you needn't fear. My experiences receiving  oral sex 
were quite memorable. I haven't forgotten them." 

He did leer at her now. "So, Agent Scully." He read from the 
transcripts, "Agent Mulder is a good lover and he satisfies you?" She 
blushed even harder at that.

"Yes," she whispered. Her expression was suggestive. He looked at her 
darkly.

"I'd like to confirm that...just to be certain," he said hoarsely, 
desire in his eyes.

"You are always a thorough investigator," she whispered as his lips 
took hers. "Maybe you can show me what some of those things the 
prosecutor was referring to mean while you're at it."

He laughed softly as his lips traveled over her body. In moments they 
were in his bedroom and Scully was again marveling at what Mulder 
could do to her with merely the lightest touch. She let the sensation 
of his hands on her body take over.

****

When Mulder awoke the next morning, Scully was not in bed. He didn't 
hear the water running either. He got up and went into the living 
room. Scully was on the couch, reading the trial transcripts, and 
crying quietly. She didn't notice him so he watched her for a moment. 
Occasionally, she covered her mouth with her hand as she read. A few 
times she closed her eyes momentarily.  

"Scully," he whispered. She jumped. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle 
you." He walked over and sat at the other end of the couch. Taking the 
file from her, he said, "There is really no point in reliving this." 
He noted she had been reading her testimony when the defense had 
questioned her. "He did what he had to...he formed the only case he 
could to defend his client. He was a public defender, Scully. He had 
to do the best he could. The jury saw through the lies. No one 
believed that you wanted what happened in that house to happen."

She looked down, away from him...unable to meet his eyes. Her 
expression was full of guilt. 

"You can talk to me if you want to, Scully. I'll listen, not judge. 
You know that."

She looked back at him for the briefest moment, obviously struggling 
to decide if she should speak. "His defense was not entirely without 
truth," she whispered.

"How is that?" he asked neutrally...gently. 

Scully was silent for so long that Mulder thought she wouldn't answer. 
"Ryan didn't just rape me," she finally whispered. "He didn't just 
force himself...he acted as if we were lovers...he kissed me...touched 
me..." She trailed to a stop, tears streaming silently down her face.

"And sometimes, despite yourself, your body responded," he finished 
her sentence for her in a whisper. She closed her eyes tightly and 
covered her face with her hands. He pulled her against him. "Scully, 
you're a doctor, a scientist. You know that stimulus produces a 
response. It is natural and occasionally uncontrollable. It's not 
wrong. And it doesn't make what he did any less wrong. And it doesn't 
make the defense's claims correct."

"I didn't want him to...." she began in a whisper.

"I know that, Scully. I know that. I don't doubt it for a second. "

She was silent for a long time, crying in his arms. Then she pulled 
back and looked at him, even more guilt and shame in her eyes. "It was 
not always entirely uncontrollable and unintentional, Mulder." She 
looked down again. He remained quiet so she continued. "After I had 
been there a while and he saw he wasn't going to get what he 
wanted...a happy little home... that I wasn't going to respond as he 
wanted...he got angry about it. That's when things went from just sex 
to...more obscene...perverse things. He was trying to hurt 
me...physically. Once, I actually passed out." She glanced at Mulder. 
His eyes were closed. She could tell he was trying not to cry. "I 
think I actually must have remained unconscious for some time because 
it was light out when it happened and dark the next thing I 
remember...Ryan was scared. When I woke up he was holding me...I still 
hurt and I started crying. He held me...stroked my hair...I don't 
remember exactly...but when he kissed me, I responded. I don't know if 
it was to avoid the alternative...the way he had been treating me...or 
if it was because after the violence, I needed anything 
tender...gentle. I definitely responded. Willingly. I enjoyed it. 
Wanted it." She looked at Mulder again. He fists were clenched and he 
was crying openly. He saw her react to his posture and he forced 
himself to relax.

"Scully, that is not willingness, it's desperation. It's self-
preservation. Instinctual. You know that. You know that."

"But I enjoyed it, Mulder."

"More than being hurt? I hope so. Scully that's how torture works. You 
hurt someone badly enough and they'll do or say anything you ask. And 
they'll do it 'willingly' because they'll do anything to avoid the 
pain. You know that." They were both silent for a moment. "In his 
diary," Mulder whispered, "Ryan referred to this, Scully. He didn't 
mention what he did that night. Just that he finally found what 
worked. Something that worked...that made  you come to him. He did 
this on purpose. What he did was intentional and carefully 
orchestrated, Scully. Your reactions were instinctual and probably 
saved your life. He would have only escalated the violence. You know 
that. Violent crimes always escalate. Nothing you did in that house to 
save your life was wrong, Scully. Nothing. Everything you did was 
exactly by the book for surviving and escaping that type of 
situation."

"That doesn't make it any less repulsive," she whispered, obviously 
suffering.

"No, but it does mean you shouldn't feel guilty about it. If you can 
accept you did the right thing, that would be a step in the right 
direction."

"How can you even look at me, knowing what I did?" she whispered.

He drew her into his arms and held her tightly. "Scully, I can because 
I'm proud of the strength you had. I thank God for it. You did what 
you had to and I can hold you in my arms tonight because of it. I can 
know that tomorrow I'll wake up and you'll be next to me. I'd rather 
do that than stand over your grave and say, 'Well at least she died 
without compromising a single principle.' I meant what I said on the 
stand...I would have killed myself if we had found your body. I would 
have made sure Ryan was dead and then I would have killed myself."

"Mulder," she whispered breathlessly, pulling him tighter. "Don't say 
that...don't..."

"It's the truth."

"I could be killed in the field at any time, Mulder."

"No. I'd never let that happen. When we are in the field, you are my 
first priority. This thing with Ryan...I couldn't do anything..." he 
shook his head. "I was completely helpless to do anything...I thought 
I'd loose my mind." He made her look at him. "The only reason I could 
hold it together was because I knew you could. I knew that eventually 
you'd escape if we couldn't find you first. Thank God you did. However 
you did it, thank God you did."

He held her for a long time, rocking her gently in his arms. Her cheek 
was against his chest and he could feel her breath finally calming. 
She was still for some time before she pulled away. He saw the guilty 
expression was still in her eyes. She obviously still had something to 
say. He tried to keep his expression neutral. This was the most she 
had willingly opened up to him. He wanted her to feel comfortable with 
it...as much as she could.

"Mulder, there were other aspects of the defense arguments that were 
true," she began again, voice soft.

"Such as?" he encouraged.

"The lawyer...he asked me if I was interested in doing any of the 
things Ryan made me do...if I was interested in experimenting 
with...." she didn't seem able to finish the sentence.

"I remember the testimony," Mulder said. That line of questioning had 
infuriated him.

Scully paused and then said very quietly, "To some extent, my answer 
was I lie. I was...curious."

Mulder reacted harshly. "Scully," he said loudly. She looked at him 
automatically. "I will never in my life believe that you would be the 
least bit interested in repeating the things you describe happened in 
that house with Ryan."

"No! Most of them, no. Some of them..." she bit her lip and avoided 
his gaze, "...some of them, yes I would. Some of the things he made me 
do...I would do again. Not with Ryan, obviously."

Mulder closed his eyes and took a deep breath, obviously trying to 
reign in his temper. "Scully, that's the point," he said more calmly. 
"If you did some of those things with someone you loved, not someone 
holding you prisoner, there would be nothing wrong with it. There's 
nothing wrong with...a little experimentation...if both people agree 
to it and enjoy it. You didn't agree to anything with Ryan. Someone 
being held prisoner can not give consent. But if something happened 
between us, it would be because we decided to do it together. And 
there is nothing wrong with that." She still didn't look at him. "Come 
on, Scully. I'm a pretty liberal guy. You can't shock me. You can't 
name much that I haven't tried once. If you like it, there's nothing 
wrong with it."

"Mulder, you know I don't believe that," she whispered. "I'm Catholic. 
The Church teaches that sex is for married couples...to have 
children."

He stared at her a moment. "Scully this is going to sound cruel and 
I'm sorry but it's the truth--we are not married, so if you're worried 
about religion, you're already in trouble there. And if we were 
married, you can't have children, so you'll have to find some other 
reason to have sex. How about because it's enjoyable?" She looked at 
him a moment, shocked, and then looked down. "Scully, I don't want to 
hurt you...maybe you should talk to a priest about this...but I'm 
serious. Scully, look at me." She did. "Are you sorry that we have a 
physical relationship? Do you believe that what we're doing is a sin? 
Do you want to stop it?"

"No," she whispered. "I don't want to stop it. I do believe it's a 
sin, though. One I don't know how to stop committing."

He looked upset. "Scully, I never knew you felt this way...I mean...I 
know you're Catholic and I know you take it seriously...I never knew 
you felt...." He stopped and studied her. "So sex is for having 
children. Does that mean that people who can't have children, can't 
have sex?"

"Of course not.  Sex between married couples is the physical 
manifestation of the union between husband and wife....It's a gift 
from God. It's not to be perverted by unnatural acts."

He looked at her, struggling to keep his expression neutral. "What are 
unnatural acts, Scully?" She didn't answer. "What unnatural acts are 
you interested in?"

"Mulder," she whispered, warningly.

"I'm serious, Scully. Have we committed some of those unnatural acts 
already? How long is your list of sins for your next confession 
because of me?"

"Don't make fun of me, Mulder." Her tone brooked no argument. That had 
never stopped Mulder.

"I assure you, I am not making fun of you. I'm very serious. I had no 
idea I was contributing to actions that weighed this heavily on your 
conscience. I have no desire to do that, Scully."

She sighed. "No desire, huh? Enough to not have sex with me...to not 
let me sleep in your bed...to not live with me? We are practically 
living together, you know?"

"I know, but if this is hurting you...yes." She looked at him and saw 
he was earnest.

"Mulder, I didn't mean for this discussion to go here...I don't want 
to loose you..."

"I'm not saying that, Scully. I love you. That isn't going to change 
and you aren't going to loose me...you're not going to loose the 
personal side to our relationship. But I'm not going to do anything 
that hurts you either. The exact nature of that personal relationship 
can change without forfeiting the relationship itself. I want you to 
take some time and think about what you want and what you can live 
with and not betray your beliefs. I'll be honest, Scully. I don't 
agree with them. I don't believe there is anything wrong with 
consensual sexual acts between informed adults. No matter what the act 
is, as long as both parties want it. But that's the key--both parties. 
I would never ask you to do something that you think is a sin."

"I know that. The problem arises because I want to do them. I want to 
commit those sins."

"Scully, I'm not a priest...but it's not a sin to want to sin...to 
think about it. It's only a sin to commit the sin. Isn't that true?"

"Yes."

"Then don't commit the sins. And if that includes having sex with 
me...don't do it." She remained silent without looking at him. "Will 
you tell me what unnatural acts peaked your curiosity?"

She closed her eyes. He remained silent. It was obvious that she was 
working up the courage to tell him. "I honestly did enjoy the time 
we..." she didn't continue. He knew what she was referring to.

"Because, as you said on the stand, nothing happened that wouldn't 
have happened otherwise."

"And because there was some thrill involved in feeling out of 
control." This was an almost inaudible whisper.

"And do you think you could ever enjoy that again...after what 
happened."

"I trust you, Mulder," she said looking at him evenly.

He stared at her a moment and then closed his eyes. "Jesus, Scully," 
he whispered. They were silent for a moment.

Eyes still closed, he jumped slightly when she spoke again. "The 
Church does not allow things like..." she paused struggling to phrase 
her sentence. "Acts that can not lead to conception," she whispered.

"Like oral and anal sex," he specified.  She nodded. "I find it 
extremely difficult to believe that you enjoyed the latter. I know how 
painful that act can be. I doubt Ryan was careful not to hurt you."

She nodded, eyes lowered. 

"I find it surprising that you would enjoy performing the former. 
You're not that aggressive sexually and even though you enjoy it when 
I do it, it obviously makes you uncomfortable. I don't think you're 
uncomfortable with it because it's a sin. I think it's too intimate 
for you."

Now she closed her eyes. "There's a lot of truth in that. But I want 
that intimacy with you."

"And I want it with you," he whispered. "But not if it hurts you. Not 
if it makes you uncomfortable." Again, the conversation fell silent 
for several moments. "Scully, I want you to think about the nature of 
our relationship."

"Mulder, don't do this..."

"Scully, I'm not doing anything. I just was surprised by some of the 
things you said. I want you to think. Maybe speak to Father McCue. 
That's all. And tell me what you decide."

"And if I decide I do feel guilty...."

"Then we do things your way, Scully. I will still love you."

"I don't want to be alone," she whispered.

"You don't have to be, Scully. I want you here, if you want to be 
here."

Mulder watched Scully carefully for the rest of that day. As she slept 
in his arms that night, he contemplated their discussion. He knew 
there were easy solutions to the conflict she was feeling. He just 
wasn't sure she was ready to think about them.

****

Their lives slowly returned to normal. Or as close to normal as they 
were going to be ever again. Mulder chose a relatively simple case for 
their first fieldwork after the trial. Ryan was sentenced to life in 
prison without the opportunity for parole. Scully seemed more relaxed. 
The Sunday after their conversation, she went to church. He knew she 
hadn't been to church since she had escaped Ryan. He couldn't resist 
following her. Sitting unnoticed in the back of the large church, he 
watched her skip communion and stay after the service to speak to 
Father McCue. He was initially surprised that she missed communion 
until he remembered something about making a confession before 
communion. She spoke to the priest for over an hour, crying through 
most of the conversation. He was certain, even from this distance, 
that Father McCue was crying as well. 

Mulder didn't ask Scully about her conversation with Father McCue. He 
needed her to come to him if she could. She said nothing. She also 
made it plain that she wanted to continue staying with 
Mulder...sleeping in his bed. They worked their case the next week and 
Scully got up to go to church again on Sunday.  

"Scully?" he said as he watched her getting dressed.

"Yes."

"Do you mind if I go with you?"

"To church?" she said, voice rising in surprise. "Mulder, you're 
Jewish."

"My mother is Jewish. I haven't been inside a synagogue since I was a 
child."

"Mulder, every case we've ever had that has been spiritually related, 
you scoffed at it...and me. I can't imagine why you would want to go 
to Mass with me."

"Because I want to make some decisions. I need more information to 
make them."

"What sorts of decisions, Mulder?" she asked nervously.

"I need to understand how you are feeling about...our relationship."

"Mulder...I don't want this to come between us."

"I don't either. That's why I need to understand how you feel about 
this...I need to understand what this religion means to you...what it 
is. So I can understand what's going on and deal with it better."

"Mulder, you can't study Catholicism and understand it. Religion is 
faith, not materials to be memorized."

"I know that, Scully. I don't expect to memorize the Bible and 
understand you. That's why I want to go with you. I want to see what 
you experience."

"Promise me you won't make fun of me or the Mass."

"I would never do that, Scully."

"You've made fun of my faith more times than I can count, Mulder."

He looked hurt. "I'm sorry, Scully. I promise I won't do that again."

She nodded warily. "Ok, Mulder. Get into a suit. I'm leaving in ten 
minutes."

When Mulder attended Mass with her three weeks in a row, the third 
time when they were out of town on a case, Scully was amazed. They had 
numerous conversations about religion. Mulder seemed inordinately 
curious to her. He was also extremely patient. He hadn't made a move 
on her since their conversation. When she had kissed him, he let 
things go so far, but always stopped her before they had gone too far. 

When they were kissing on the couch in his living room, she saw she 
was really going to have to talk with him. He wasn't going to let her 
take the easy way out on this one. She moved to unbutton his shirt and 
he pulled away from her, stilling her hands. 

"Mulder, I want this," she whispered.

"I want you to think about it."

"I have thought about it. It may be a sin. I can live with that. I 
can't live without you. I want you. I want to feel your hands on 
me...I want..." As she spoke, she finished removing his shirt. Her 
hands ran softly over his chest, followed by her lips. He moaned 
involuntarily closing his eyes and leaned back enjoying the sensation. 
He knew if he didn't stop her soon, he wouldn't be able to. When her 
hands moved to his belt, he quickly convinced himself to accept her 
statement that she wanted this as incontrovertible fact. When her lips 
slid down his body and her hands slipped off his pants, he tensed.

"Scully..." he whispered.

She slid her lips over his already fully erect member and he groaned. 
She was good. She alternated between circling the head of his penis 
with her tongue and running her tongue up the length of his shaft 
while gently fondling him. When she took him fully in her mouth and 
sucked him, his groans became constant. Suddenly he pulled her up, 
level with his face, her lips leaving him with a slight pop.

"You have to stop...now."

"Mulder, I want to...." she began.

He interrupted her. "Well I've got other plans." He picked her up and 
carried her to the bedroom. He was pulling off her clothes before she 
hit the bed, his lips taking her hungrily. He pulled away from her 
momentarily. "Scully," he breathed, "I am way out of control...tell me 
if I...hurt you...if you need me to stop."

"The last thing I want is for you to stop," she whispered.

He returned to his assault on her body. His lips and hands were 
everywhere. She reached down to touch him,, but he grabbed her arms. 
Dragging them above her head, he pinned them there. "Don't Scully. I 
want to make this last. I can't do that if you don't stop."

She laughed. "That's the idea. Maybe I'd like to see you out of 
control for once." Her smile was mischievous. She pulled her hands 
from his grasp and reached for him again while at the same time 
rolling him off her. Caught off guard, he fell to his side next to 
her. She straddled him.

"Scully!" he exclaimed, slightly shocked, turning fully onto his back 
and trying to push her off him with his hands on her waist. She 
dragged his hands away.

"Be still," she demanded, leaning down and kissing him. He relaxed and 
she released his hands. Her kisses slid to his neck while his hands 
slid to her breasts. He kneaded them a moment before pulling her over 
him to suckle her nipples. She moaned but pulled away from him. 
Trailing kisses down his body again, her lips returned to his penis. 
His hips thrust upward involuntarily. Sitting up slightly, he pulled 
her away with his hands on either side of her face and kissed her. She 
pushed him down roughly. Pulling his hands from her face, she forced 
them over his head.

"If you aren't still, we'll see how you like handcuffs," she said with 
a playful expression.

"You can't be serious," he stammered, astonished. She answered by 
reaching for her cuffs at the foot of the bed with her cloths. She 
dangled them in front of his face. "Go for it," he said, 
challengingly. He didn't believe she'd do it. She did. He stared at 
her with an amazed look on his face as she closed the bracelets over 
his wrists and slid back down his body. He moaned. She returned to 
licking his head and the under side of his shaft. He involuntarily 
thrust his hips pressing his cock against her lips. She opened her 
mouth and took him in. He concentrated on not thrusting into her 
mouth. Her didn't want to hurt her or push her. But she teased him 
until he was lost--thrusting his hips, pushing deeper into her mouth. 
He moaned uncontrollably. He knew he wouldn't last much longer. 
Struggling against the cuffs, he tried to pull away from her.

"Please, Scully, I'm gonna...please...I want to be inside you."

She placed kisses back up his body, straddled him, and slid onto him 
without warning. He moaned again. She began to ride him as he thrust 
into her deeper. She teased him, going slowly. He writhed under her.

"God, Scully...faster...please."

She complied. He exploded into her, moaning wildly. When he relaxed, 
she leaned down and kissed him. "Take these off me," he demanded, 
voice rough. She smiled and reached for the keys. His eyes were dark, 
his breathing still heavy and fast. 

As soon as his hands were free, he flipped her over and pinned her 
with his body. "You will pay for that," he said with a mock-menacing 
tone. He kissed her harshly, silencing her response. He kissed her 
neck, her breasts, her stomach. His hands played over her already 
swollen clit. He entered her with his fingers while caressing her clit 
with his thumb. Soon, she was moaning herself, writhing under Mulder.

He kissed her again and pulled her into his arms. "I can't believe you 
did that," he said, laughing softly, after a few moments.

She laughed as well. "Honestly, neither can I." She smiled at him. 
"But you should know better than to challenge me by now, Mulder."

"I seem to keep forgetting that," he responded with a serious tone. 
His smile betrayed his amusement. "Oh well, I think I can live with 
the consequences. I might even like the consequences."

"I got the impression you did," she said kissing him again. 

****

Mulder had been acting strangely all week and it was getting on 
Scully's nerves. Her annoyance escalated when he announced he was 
going out of town for a night but wouldn't tell her where he was 
going. He promised her it wasn't related to their case and that he'd 
tell her where he had gone later. That didn't seem like enough to 
Scully. She was angry and was trying to cover it up. When he came back 
and suggested they go to dinner the next night, Saturday, with no 
further explanation, she was tempted to refuse just to spite him. 
Instead, she took a deep breath and swallowed her anger. Mulder had 
gone a long time without exhibiting weird behavior. She knew she 
should be glad.

So now, she was sitting in a fancy restaurant with Mulder and trying 
to figure out what was up. He actually appeared nervous. When they 
finished dinner and he ordered them coffee, she knew something was up. 
She decided to confront it.

"Ok, Mulder. What's with the dinner and the fancy restaurant and the 
coffee and all this?"

He looked at her evenly. "Am I not allowed to do something nice with 
you? Must we always eat from paper wrappers?"

"What's up, Mulder?"

He looked at her. His expression was unreadable. "Scully, you know I 
love you."

"Of course I do, Mulder. I love you too." Her brow furrowed. She 
couldn't imagine what was wrong that he would start the conversation 
this way.

He looked down, obviously trying to collect his thoughts. "When you 
told me how you felt about...the physical aspect of our relationship, 
it made me start thinking."

"I thought I made it clear that I made a decision about that," she 
interrupted.

"You did. But you shouldn't have to make that sort of decision. I want 
you to be completely happy. I know you well enough to know that you 
can't be completely happy and be unfaithful to your beliefs at the 
same time. You are too honest for that."

"I'm fine, Mulder."

"Shut up and let me say this, Scully," he pleaded. She nodded, eyes 
wide, lost. "I want you to be more than fine. I love you, Scully." He 
looked at her evenly but she could see a myriad of emotions in his 
eyes--love, desire...and fear. She looked back at him, slightly 
alarmed. "It seems to me there is one obvious solution to your 
discomfort..." Her heart began to pound. She couldn't imagine what 
that solution was but his attitude was scaring her. She had never seen 
him this serious or tense. She had promised to let him finish so she 
kept her mouth shut. Her eyes widened more as she heard him say her 
given name. He never called her Dana. The completed sentence floored 
her. "Dana Katherine Scully...will you marry me?"

She stared at him. "What did you say?" she breathed.

"I asked you to marry me, Scully," he repeated softly. She continued 
to stare at him. He looked down. "Take some time to think about it, 
Scully," he whispered.

"You're serious," she said, still staring.

"Yes, I am," he replied. His tone sounded completely neutral. She was 
speechless.

"My God, Mulder. Where did this come from?" she finally managed.

He studied the coffee cup in front of him. "I love you, Scully. Is it 
so surprising that I'd want to marry you?"

She stared again. "I guess I just never saw you as the marrying type." 
He glanced up at her and back down quickly. She was still too stunned 
to recognize the hurt in his eyes.

"I've been married before, Scully," he replied quietly. She couldn't 
think of any way to respond to that. The waitress interrupted the 
silence between them with the check. Mulder glanced at it, dropped 
some bills on the table, and stood. "Are you ready to leave?" he 
asked. She stared up at him, unmoving. "I'll take you home," he said 
quietly after a moment. Hand on her elbow, he pulled her up and guided 
her to the car. They rode silently to Scully's apartment. She got out 
but he stayed in the car.

"Aren't you coming up?" she asked, leaning back into the car. 

"I don't think so, Scully"  he replied and drove away.

By the time Scully got her car and drove to Mulder's apartment, she 
was really steaming. He had been acting weird all week, he disappeared 
without telling her where he went, he pulls this insane stunt, and 
then he gets mad when she doesn't play along. She was really going to 
let him have it. She entered his apartment. No one was there. She went 
into the bedroom and saw his dress clothes on the floor.

"Son of a bitch went running," she muttered, picking up his jacket 
from the floor. She shook it out and reached for a hanger. Something 
flew from the pocket and clattered across the floor. She hung the 
jacket on the chair and looked around for whatever flew from his 
pocket. She saw something glittering and picked it up. It was a ring. 
A diamond solitaire ring. Her jaw dropped. Studying it, she realized 
it looked familiar. After a minute she placed the memory...it was 
amongst his mother's belongings in the hospital. She had brought them 
to her room for her when she was released after her stroke. She 
remembered noticing how pretty it was. She frowned at it. "What could 
Mulder possibly be doing with his mother's engagement ring?" she said 
to herself. "Oh my, God," she whispered. "He was serious."

She was still staring at the ring when Mulder returned. She quickly 
stuffed it into his jacket pocket. He saw her and his brow furrowed.

"Scully, I really don't want to argue with you tonight."

"Mulder, were you serious tonight?" she asked quietly.

"Scully, just let it go."

"Please answer me," her tone was pleading.

He looked down. "Yes, I was Scully. I'm sorry you don't think I'm the 
marrying type. But that's fine. However you want it."

"Mulder," she whispered. "How many times have you made some sort of 
joke out of things like this? I didn't think you were serious. Even if 
I had, we have very fundamentally different views of marriage, 
Mulder."

"Really? What is my view of marriage, Scully?"

She shook her head. "I don't know...you married Diana. How serious 
could you be about marriage?"

His expression hardened. She saw him clench his fists. "I loved 
Diana," he growled. "And I thought she loved me. You know how I feel 
about permanency in relationships. I didn't marry her casually until 
something else came along."

"I never said that."

"Then what do you think my views of marriage are?"

"I...I'm sorry, Mulder. I don't have any idea so I shouldn't have said 
that. You're so flippant about everything traditional. I never thought 
the institution of marriage was something you'd take seriously."

"Have I ever taken anything related to our partnership, much less our 
personal relationship, less than seriously?"

"You always joked with me. You asked me if we should be picking out 
china patterns...you even asked me to marry you once...."

"Over the phone, Scully. When we were friends. It's called flirting. 
When have I taken you less than seriously?" She stared at him, lost 
for words. "So you've been practically living with me for the last few 
months and it never occurred to you to think I'd marry you...in fact 
you specifically thought I wasn't the 'marrying type' and that I 
wouldn't marry you? Where does that fit into your Catholic beliefs? 
How long did you plan to co-habitate with a man who didn't love you or 
respect you enough to marry you?"

"Mulder...I know you love me...and respect me. I didn't think you'd do 
marriage and I wasn't willing to loose you over that. What we had was 
enough for me...I was willing to settle for that."

"Is that it, or am I just not the type you'd marry?"

She lowered her eyes. "I admit," she said softly, "I'd have some 
reservations about marrying you." He remained silent. "I want to be 
married in the Catholic Church, Mulder. By a priest."

"I know that. That's why I've been going to church with you. To make 
sure I could make that kind of commitment. I can. At least, I'm 
willing to for you. I also talked with Father McCue about my divorce. 
He said he could have the marriage annulled since she abandoned me. He 
told me we could be married in the Church." 

Scully stared at him. She couldn't believe he had spoken to Father 
McCue. "Mulder," she whispered, her voice betraying how amazed she 
was. She realized she didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry, Mulder," 
she finally whispered.

"I understand, Scully. I should be happy to have what I do with you. I 
don't know what I was thinking." He walked past her to the bedroom and 
shower. She stood in place in the living room a moment before his 
meaning dawned on her. Tears in her eyes, she followed him. He was 
undressing to take a shower.

"That's not what I meant, Mulder," she said, touching his elbow. He 
said nothing and didn't pause in his undressing. "I meant that I was 
sorry for the way I acted. That I didn't see you were serious. That I 
hurt you by assuming you weren't serious."

"You don't have to apologize, Scully." He fished in his dresser for 
clean underwear and disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door 
behind him. 

When he emerged, she was sitting on his bed. He looked away from her.

"I don't mean to be rude, Scully. And I don't mean to imply anything 
long term by this...but I really need to be alone tonight. Can  you 
give me a little space? Just tonight?"

Even in the dim light cast only by the bathroom light in the dark 
bedroom he saw her pale. She lowered her eyes and moved silently from 
his bed. He heard her pick up her coat and keys in the living room and 
he heard the door open and close. Thinking he was alone, he collapsed 
on the bed. When he looked up, she was in the doorway of his bedroom. 

"Is one night alone too much to ask for, Scully?" he yelled. 

She flinched and turned away from the door but stopped without 
leaving. He was about to tell her to leave when she whispered in the 
smallest, most timid voice he'd ever heard from her mouth, "Can I 
still answer your question?"

"What question?" he snapped. He needed some space to lick his wounds.

She pressed her back against the doorframe but didn't leave. "Your 
proposal," she whispered.

"I think I you've made your point, Scully."

"Please, Mulder. I know you're hurt...angry...you have the right to 
be. I was a complete idiot. Be angry with me if you want, but give me 
another chance. Please."

"Another chance? I told you, Scully. I just need a night alone. Just 
tonight. I don't mean anything permanent by it."

"I do. I don't want you to need a night alone. I want to tell you that 
I want to marry you...if the offer is still on the table," she rushed 
to get the words out and stared at him to see his reaction. He was 
still. She closed her eyes. "Please, Mulder. I know I hurt you. I know 
I screwed this up. Big time. That doesn't have to mean we can't fix 
it. Be angry. I don't blame you. But don't...don't let the way I acted 
ruin this. I want to marry you." Her eyes were still closed, so she 
jumped when he put his arms around her.

"Are you certain?" he whispered.

"God, yes," she replied, face buried against his chest. She felt his 
arms tighten around her. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again. He 
silenced her with a kiss and held her for several minutes before 
pushing her back to look into her eyes.

"Are you certain, Scully?" he asked again. "It didn't sound like the 
idea of marriage to me had ever occurred to you before."

"It hadn't Mulder. I never let myself think about it because it was 
something I honestly thought I could never have. I told you...was 
willing to settle for what we had. I made that decision after you 
asked me to reconsider how I felt about...the sin of sex outside 
marriage. I decided I wanted you no matter if it was a sin or not. I'd 
certainly rather marry you. I love you, Mulder." 

"I love you too." He pulled her against him again. "Scully, I want to 
show you something. A ring. You can choose your own if you prefer. But 
this one has been in my father's family for seven generations. I asked 
my mother for it. If you like it...." he reached into his jacket 
pockets and produced the ring she saw earlier. "This is where I went 
on Thursday. To Chilmark to speak with mom about this." He gave it to 
her. "I know my mom and dad aren't exactly the example of marriage 
that anyone would want to follow, but they're the only couple to wear 
that ring and break their vows." 

"I love this ring, Mulder. I'd be honored to wear it." He smiled. She 
put it on her finger. It was too big.

"We'll go to the jeweler tomorrow and have it sized." She nodded. "Are 
you sure you don't want to pick out your own ring?"

"This one means a great deal more, Mulder. And it's beautiful. I love 
it. I know a jeweler that will size it while we wait. He opens early."

Mulder smiled. "We'll go first thing in the morning, Scully." She 
smiled back at him and then her expression turned serious. "What?" he 
asked gently.

"Two things."

"Ok."

"Mulder...it would be wrong to accept your proposal and not discuss 
this with you. We have to talk about it...you know I can't have 
children. How do you feel about that? You can't tell me you wouldn't 
like a child."

He looked down. "Scully," he said slowly. "How do you feel about 
artificial insemination?"

"I wouldn't be opposed to going that route if you wanted it, but I 
won't do a surrogate mother. I'm perfectly capable of carrying a child 
and surrogates are too risky. Another thing, Mulder--finding an egg 
donor is going to be remarkably expensive. And insurance doesn't cover 
these things."

"Scully. I have something to tell you. It's going to make you 
extremely angry. I should have told you a long time ago. I just didn't 
know how."

"What is it, Mulder?" Her tone was frightened. More stress was 
something she definitely did not need.

"I have a vial of your ovum. Frozen." He didn't beat around the bush. 

Her jaw dropped. "How?" she asked incredulously.

"When I found the files about your abduction when you had cancer. The 
vials were there too. I had them checked. They're viable."

"Oh my God, Mulder. Oh my God."

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know how. I would have if 
you'd become seriously involved with someone."

"Why did you steal it? The vial."

"Because I knew you'd want it. I couldn't leave it there. Please don't 
be angry."

"I'm not angry. I'm shocked. I never thought I could have my own 
children." She looked at him. "Mulder, I want that. I want to have 
children."

"I know. I want it too. Please tell me you forgive me."

"Forgive you?  Mulder, you just gave something I thought was 
irreplaceably lost back to me. I'm not angry."

"I should have told you sooner."

"I'm not angry. How have you stored them? Genetic material has to be 
stored very precisely..."

"I have them at the university hospital at Georgetown under an assumed 
name to prevent interference by the Consortium. They are safe and 
healthy."

"Do you know how many there are?"

"Hundreds, Scully. More than enough to conceive however many children 
you want to have."

"Are you sure they're mine?"

"Yes, I had it tested."

"My God, Mulder." She was silent, absorbing what he had told her.

"What was the second thing?" he asked.

"What?"

"You said you wanted to ask two things. What was the second?"

She smiled. "Do you still want me to go home?" She was certain what 
his answer would be now.

He laughed. "May I ask you to stay here instead?"

"I'd like that very much," she replied, slipping into his arms.

"I love you, Scully. The last few months have been absolute hell, but 
they're over now. A new life starts tonight, ok?" He felt her nod 
against his chest. "I mean it. A whole new life. I can't promise we'll 
always be safe. You know that. But I can promise we'll always be 
together."

"That's all I want, Mulder. It's all I need."

fin