From: Alice In Wonderland Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 00:40:22 +0000 Subject: REPOST: Family Ties (badfic) (with my name this time) TITLE: Family Ties AUTHOR: Alice In Wonderland Disclaimer: Guess what guys. I don't own the X-Files. Or the works of Boney M. Thank God. Author's Note: This is an attempt to write badfic - a deliberately crap fanfic. There is a really cool site that keeps all of this stuff that you can find in Yahoo called "The Badfic Hall of Shame" and it is truly hilarious. A lot of badslashfic though - if the idea of Skinner giving Mulder an enema, described in the most turgid prose imaginable, doesn't turn you on at all (and I can't say it does much for me, everybody has their threshold and that's so below mine it doesn't even register on radar) then I would give the slash stories a miss. "Happy Valentine's Day" though is completely wonderful, and highly recommended, as is the songfic with Hanson tracks. Sometimes, you have to be very good indeed to be that bad. But anyway- clears throat- It was four oclock in the moning and Mulder was watching porno movies on his video because he didn't sleep much because he was brooding over Samantha and his terrible guilt over her abduction. And he was also watching the porno movies. Every so often he would let tears of sadness dribble down his face during the commercials in the movies because he felt lonely and guilty about Samantha and the horrible things that had happened to her and the horrible things that had happened to Scully. Mulder was in love with Scully but knew if he said anything then something really bad would happen to her, as bad things always happened the minute he tried to tell her of the feelings swelling up in his manly bosom. Watching the porno movies distracted him from his constant mental anguish but they were also nice because they made him think of Scully in a nice way sometimes. He cherished dreams where the two of them could be here together, and he wouldn't have to watch porno movies and buy those magazines anymore. Of course this wouldn't solve the Samantha thing and the guilt about that but it would certainly help. Suddenly there was a knock on his door, and he opened it, expecting it to be Scully, but it wasn't, it was Kryhcek! He ran in, looking sneaky and treacherous and actually quite handsome in a sneaky treacherous way, and holding a big gun so Mulder couldn't really do anything about it. "Mulder!" shouted Krycek. "I would like to shoot you but I can't as I need your help very badly." He waved his gin threateningly at Mulder, but Mulder was very tough and brave, despite crying and everything over his guilt, though not in a girly way, so he said, "Kryceck, get out, you evil son of a bitch, I won't help you at all." Ra-ra-rasputin Russia's favourite love machine! "You have to help me, even though I don't like you, or the world will end." Said Krychyk solemnly. And he explained what Mulder had to do. Mulder didn't want anythign to do with it, but he said he would do it because he wanted Kryceck to go away. Then Krycek kissed him in a kind of European Russian way, not a gay way, which was kind of all right and not because Kryceck was really good looking in an evil kind of way, and left, after watching the end of the movie and having a beer. Krycek left, that is, not Mulder, who stayed in his apartment, at least for a little while longer. Mulder knew he must call Scully, even though it meant putting her in danger, which was hard because he loved her and he felt guilty about it. But the world was going to end, and he felt guilty about that too, because if it ended and he hadn't told Scully he knew she would be really mad at him. Even though ti was really late, Scully was awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Mulder. She loved Mulder deeply and wanted them to get married and have babies and be normal like all her friends except she didn't have friends really anymore because of her job. And also except she couldn't have babies because her womb didn't work anymore because of the dastardly experiments that had been done on her. She knew Mulder felt guilty about her womb that didn't work properly, and the knowledge was like a terrible pain that pressed against her heart and meant she couldn't sleep. Her phone rang and she answered it, knowing it would be Mulder. "Hello Mulder." "Hello Scully. It's me, Mulder. Come to the office straight away so I can show you some slides." Brown Girl in the ring, tra-la-la! She like the sugar in the plum, plum, plum! She hung up quickly and got dressed, putting on her prettiest suit and lots of makeup. When she got to the office Mulder was already there, prowling the office like a wild beast, not a lumbering beast but a sexy beast like a tiger or a panther. His hazel eyes bored into her own. "I have to show you some slides." He said. Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and in came Skinner, their boss. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. Mulder was torn in a quandary. He wanted to trust Skinner but also didn't know if he could trust him. Mulder found it hard to trust people, except for Scully who he trusted with his life, his soul, and his heart. But he couldn't tell her. It was very tragic. He brushed back tears that sprang to his beautiful hazel eyes before anyone could see them. But he would have liked to trust Skinner since he was helpful and only mad at them some of the time, and Mulder thought the brawny ex-marine was someone that he would have liked to lean on to remove the terrible pressures of guilt and things that pressed down on him all of the time like a big ton of bricks pressing on his chest. Though offered the chance of solice and redemption, Mulder turned away from them, shied away from them like a nimble highly strung stallion being bitten on the rump by a horsefly. "I am just working late at the office." Said Mulder bravely, trying to control his quivering bottom lip. "So am i." Said Scully, also trying not to cry since she was sad too because Mulder did nt love her like a woman, only like a sidekick. Skinner nodded thoughtfully and said, "Make sure you turn the lights out when you leave. We are trying to save electricity." He looked as if there was so much more he would have liked to have said to his two favourite agents, because they were his favourites even though they were always in trouble and ran up the biggest expenses by crashing cars, using expensive labs, nearly getting him killed loads of times and costing him bail money because they were always in jail. But he could say nothing, and the weight of his unsaid words pressed against him like a huge weight. He left then. By the rivers of Babylon, Where we sat down, Yeah-hey we wept, As we remembered Zion Mulder didn't have any slides, so he just told Scully what the evil Krycek had told him. He left out the bit about the kiss and the beer because Mulder could also be quite secretive, even with Scully, though this hurt her a lot but she didn't complain because she knew it wasn't his fault it was just that he had had bad things happen to him in his life that he couldn't verbalise. Even though he was often very articulate. It was a guy thing. "So," said Scully, "Cancerman has told the aliens to invade and make us all slaves." The enormity of this was almost too much to bear, and she took his hand. Her small hand was warm and soft in his. "What can we do to stop this?" "I don't know Scully." Said Mulder. "But since we might be all made into alien slaves working for the greater purpose, there is something that I have to tell you and I want to tell you now before you get kidnapped or get a disease again." "What is it, Mulder?" she asked, gazing up adoringly at him. Her blue eyes were full of unshed tears, and she realised that he was going to tell her something very important. "Scully, I-" And then Cancerman walked in, smoking a cigarette. "Ah ha!" he said. "You're here. I drove to your houses but you weren't in. So I guessed you would be here." They were very upset that he was in their office, but he had a big gun which he was holding in a different hand to the one with the cigarette, so there was nothing they could do but stare at him in inpotent rage. "We are going to start colonising the planet with aliens." He said, while smoking "But the good news is, since Mulder is really my son, he doesn't have to be a slave. He can rule the universe at my side. And because I have sneakily admired his rebellious driven and angsty ways from afar, he can choose someone to also not be a slave. And because you, Dana, have always been a good influence on him, you can be that person and you can both get married and live happily ever after." Mulder was filled with conflicting emotions. He had always hated Cancerman and he was sad that all the other humans were going to be slaves, but then he lacked a father figure in his life and he was in love with Dana. And this meant that they could be together and he could throw all his videos and magazines away. "But what about my sister Samantha?" asked Mulder, thinking this was too good to be true. Suddenly his sister Samantha ran into the office, and hugged him. "I'm here and I'm fine! They stopped doing the tests after a few years, and I went to college. Me and Daddy have been waiting for the day when we can all be one happy family again." She went up to Scully, shyly. "You must be Dana. It will be so nice to have a sister. I don't have any sisters." And she hugged Dana, and Dana felt very happy since her sister had been killed on Cancerman's orders, and now she had a new sister. She looked up at Mulder, tears of joy pooling in her blue eyes, and realised that she had finally found the family she was looking for. Mulder was also weeping tears of joy, and yet pain, because Cancerman was a bad man, but he had also given him the gift of joy and so redeemed himself. At least to Mulder. And Scully. "Thank you- Dad." Said Mulder, and he and Cancerman were so overcome with repressed emotions that they cried and hugged one another. Scully was worried about her mother, but Cancerman married Mrs. Scully and she didn't have to be a slave either, so that was all right. And Samantha was the bridesmaid both times, and wore a pink dress both times. She looked so pretty in it that Alex Krycek asked her to dance at one of the weddings, and they fell in love and got married too. So none of them had to be alien slaves. Except Skinner, which was a shame but somebody had to be a slave. THE END