From: Pebbles Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 22:39:55 -0400 Subject: NEW: FANCY PHONE Source: xff TITLE: Fancy Phone AUTHOR: Pebbles SETTING: Sometime in Season Seven, obviously pre-Requiem SPOILERS: A few of the Fancies - they're all at Stone's Throw CLASS: Very little - okay, how about MSR, Improv, Humor? DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Talk to CC, 1013, Fox, David and Gillian RATING: R for racy language, implied smut WARNING: Kiddies, no offense, but COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE 18! THANKS TO: Brandon, Brynna and Robbie, who still rock my world FEEDBACK: Love it - at pebblesb@earthlink.net Fancy Phone By Pebbles "Mulder, it's me." "Scully! I'm glad you called." "I'm glad you're there." "I wish I weren't." "Oh, really? Where do you want to be, Mulder?" "With you." "With me, where?" "Wherever you are." "You don't know where I am." "I know the general vicinity." "Do you, now? Where am I, pray tell?" "Somewhere in the Show Me State." "Not good enough." "Somewhere south of St. Louis." "Good boy. You remembered." "Of course I did, Scully. You've been looking forward to this gathering with your medical buds for months now. You deserve a break. I'm glad you got to go. I just miss you." "Oh, really? What do you miss about me, Mulder?" "I miss the way you smell." "What exactly are you implying? That I don't bathe?" "No, no, that's not it. I know how much you enjoy your baths. I know how much *I * enjoy your baths. And on those occasions I've had opportunity to share them..." "What, Mulder?" "I've *really * enjoyed your baths." "No fair! That's not specific enough. Tell me. In intimate detail." "Where are you calling from? I mean, what part of the retreat did you slip away to so you could make this kind of a call to me?" "What kind of a call?" "The kind we're about to have." "Involving what?" "You know damn well involving what." "Tell me, Mulder. I want to hear you say it. "Scully, just exactly how much have you had to drink tonight?" "Oh, a few..." "A few what?" "Oh, you know, drinks..." "What kind of drinks?" "Well, I started with your regular old, plain-Jane, namby-pandy, run-of-the-mill margarita." "And then?" "Mulder, you know how I am when I finally get around to having a few." "Oh, yeah. I know how you are." "How am I, Mulder?" "Horny." "Not after just one. Never after just one." "But you didn't have just one, did you, Scully?" "No. I had two. Two margaritas." "That's all?" "Then I started looking at the menu and saw the names of all these really wonderful drinks with these incredibly sexy names." "What kind of names, Scully?" "Names like Screw in the Tropics." "You like that one, do you?" "You know I do, Mulder." "So did you?" "Did I what, Mulder?" "Screw in the tropics?" "Of course, I did. Last year. In the Bahamas. Just after we finished our stint with that dancer guy." "Ah, Brian O'Connor." "That's the one." "How could I forget?" "You'd better damned well never. That was some pretty hot sex, Mulder. Even for us." "It was, indeed." "If I close my eyes I can remember every intimate detail." "Yeah, me, too." "What do you remember?" "Everything about that trip." "Do you remember the market?" "Do you remember the size of that pachyderm tallywhacker?" "Mulder! Don't make me laugh, I'll wet my pants!" "Sorry. Do you need to have a personal moment, Scully?" "Do you mind holding while I go take a pee?" "What do I get to hold?" "I'm sure you'll come up with something." "Go ahead." "Ahhh, that's so much better. Thank you, Mulder." "For letting you go take a whiz? Don't mention it, Scully." "No, I mean thank you for being home. I really wanted to chat with you tonight." "So how was your day, dear?" "Don't be a smartass, Mulder, or I'll take away your Little People." "Even you wouldn't be so cruel." "Try me. I've had my eye on that little Fisher Price knight in armor ever since you first brought it to the office." "Keep your hands off my paperweight, Scully." "Give me something better to do with my hands." "And what exactly are *you* implying, Agent Scully?" "Use your imagination." "Already there." "Wish I was. Mulder, I'm so bored! All these people want to do is talk medical stuff all day and lounge around at night talking even more medical stuff while they toss back their drinks." "Not your idea of a fun weekend, huh, Scully?" "I gave it a shot. I tried, I really did. But I finally realized tonight that it's just like the Parakeet Syndrome." "I think I must have missed that one." "It's a carryover from my days in med school. I was lonely and miserable and I thought I needed a pet, so I bought a parakeet. A lovely green one with a yellow diamond on his head. I called him Tally." "Scully, tell me you didn't name your bird Tallywhacker." "Taliesen, Mulder. His name was Taliesen, after the Bard of ancient lore." "Uh-huh." "Do you want to hear the story or not?" "Wouldn't miss it." "Anyway, I had Taliesen for three months. Then one day I came home and he was on the floor of the cage." "Dead?" "Really most sincerely dead." "Poor Tally." "After a decent interval of morning - three days, I think it was - I bought another parakeet." "And he was?" "Merlin. Merlin, me Derlin." "Scully, that is just so...so..." "So what, Mulder?" "So *not* Scully." "Feh. I was young and lonely. What can I say?" "So how long before you killed Merlin?" "Who said anything about killing Merlin?" "Well, it's the only logical pattern here. You're expounding on an obviously allegorical tale. To keep the ball rolling the bird has to die." "Ye're good." "There you go again, being so not Scully." "Anyway...Merlin made it longer than Taliesen, but not by much." "Two weeks?" "Two days." "So how much longer did you go on, killing these innocent birds?" "I figured the third time would be the charm so I gave it another go. But this time I got two of them." "You didn't?" "Arthur and Guinevere. Artie and Gwennie." "Scully, you're killing me here." "But not the birds. They lasted the whole rest of the year. Eventually Gwennie got tired of Artie bothering her all the time for sex, and having to lay all those little birdie eggs that never hatched no matter how long she sat on them. So one day she turned on him and pecked him to death." "No shit?" "No Artie." "Guess she showed him." "She did indeed." "So how long did you shelter this murderess?" "Nearly a week. I had a hard time getting past what she'd done, even though I thought I understood pretty well why she'd done it -- he pestered the living shit out of her -- but still it was just too weird having her around. I finally gave her to my mother and figured, what the hell? I'd given it a shot, tried three times to have a pet, but parakeets were not meant for me." "So what does this have to do with your conference?" "My point -- " "And you *do* have one..." "My *point* is, that I've tried these conference-lounge-drinking scenes three times now. And I don't enjoy them. I'm just not in the mood for these people." "What are you in the mood for, Scully?" "You." "I miss you too, Scully." "I thought of you all day. I even bought you a little something at the gift shop." "What'd you buy me?" "It won't be a surprise if I tell you." "I'm too old for surprises. What'd you get me?" "This cute little alien-shaped pencil." "Really?" "Really." "Describe it for me." "I have to tell you, Mulder, this is one cool pencil. Imagine, if you will, the naked body of an alien..." "Do I have to?" "Well, not that they wear clothes anyway..." "I never bothered to check." "Shut up, Mulder, and let me describe your new toy." "Yes, ma'am." "Well, imagine, if you will, this naked alien, with the arms at the sides, feet together, all green, big-eyed, ugly as shit." "That's pretty ugly." "There's more." "Oh, tell me, tell me." "Well, on the underside of its feet, you can find the writing end of the pen. And the tint is green. Ah, the little details." "It's all in the details." "Speaking of details..." "Yes, Scully?" "There's this really interesting picture here, Mulder." "Here being?" "At the retreat. In the room I'm staying in." "Tell me about it." "Well, it's on the wall, opposite my bed, and I found it unusual that a place as rustic as this would have artwork of this type." "What type?" "Egyptian." "Egyptian art in the heart of Middle America?" "At least in this room." "Ah, so you're in your room now?" "Can I tell you about the painting?" "By all means." "It isn't very large, maybe six by eight inches, and all the colors are in sepia tones." "Oh, sepia." "Shut up, Mulder, you're doing it again." "Doing what again?" "Being a smartass. Now hush." "Yes, ma'am." "Anyway, the picture is of a little mouse sitting in a hole in the base of the wall, and on the wall there's a chair rail type molding with a wallpaper border. The border shows a drawing of winged cats alternated with winged greyhound-type dogs." "Cool pic." "I'm not done yet. There's a shadow of a large winged cat walking toward the mouse." "That spells trouble." "Indeed. What's so neat about the painting, is that you can tell from the angle of the cat's head, that he's seen the mouse." "Does the mouse know this?" "The mouse is looking straight at you, so, no, he has not seen the cat." "Dum, da, dum, dum!" "It's bizarre, I know, but really neat." "It sounds like it." "It looks like something that Missy would have had." "I'm sorry, Scully." "For what, Mulder?" "That she's gone." "So am I." "That you're hurting." "I am." "That you're halfway across the country and I can't be there to hold you when you're sad." "Oh, I'm not that sad, Mulder, not really." "What are you, Scully?" "Lonely." "Lonely for any particular person?" "You. Lonely for you." "I miss you, too, baby." "Oh, Mulder, don't call me that!" "Why not?" "Because you only call me that when we're having sex and I can't have sex with you right now. You'll make me crazy." "Like you make me?" "No, I don't. Really?" "I am crazy, Scully. For you. " "Oh, Mulder." "So you're in your room now?" "Yes." "Anybody else there?" "No." "What are you wearing, Scully?" "My mama's combat boots." "Your mama wears combat boots?" "No, you dolt, I'm being silly." "Scully, you're never silly." "I am tonight." "So how many drinks did you have, Scully?" "Well, after my Sex in the Tropics..." "What could top that?" "Oral Sex on the Beach." "We had that, too." "Don't I remember?" "I should hope so. I know I'll never forget." "Then, after that it was time for..." "Silk panties?" "Wet pussy." "Excuse me?" "I got the wet pussy after the silk panties, which were mine, got all in a wad from thinking naughty thoughts about you." "That's my Scully." "And it was sooooo goooood." "I think I just got very turned on." "Just now? Then I must be doing something wrong." "Why's that?" "Because I've been trying to turn you on for this entire conversation." "What makes you think you haven't?" "You just said it." "I should have said I just got even *more* turned on." "You mean it?" "Damn right." "Mulder, what are you wearing?" "A pink tutu." "What?" "What the hell do you think I'm wearing, Scully? Having this kind of a conversation with you?" "Oh." "I'm sitting here in my boxers, eating the ice cream equivalent of Oral Sex on the Beach, on the leather couch that still smells like you, and you're talking dirty in my ear. What do you think I'm doing?" "Does it involve a certain piece of your anatomy?" "It does." "Which part?" "If memory serves, your favorite, I believe." "What are you doing with your tongue, Mulder?" "Scully! I'm hurt!" "For that matter, how can you still talk when you're messing with your tongue?" "I'm not messing with my tongue." "Oh, really?" "Really." "What are you messing with, Mulder?" "The meat." "I see. Would that be *my* meat you're messing with, Mulder?" "One and the same." "Well, don't hurt it. I might want to play with it when I get back." "Indeed?" "Indeed." "You really ought to be here, Scully." "Why's that?" "You'd love this ice cream. I'd love to watch you eat it." "Eat what, Mulder?" "Among other things, this decadent ice cream." "I'd rather do something decadent." "Who says we can't do both?" "What exactly did you have in mind?" "Something along the lines of stripping you naked and painting you all over with Cherry Garcia. And then licking it off you, from the tips of your eyebrows right down to your tiny little toes." "With a few stops along the way?" "To be sure." "I'm sure, Mulder." "Of what, Scully?" "Us. I'm sure of us. That what we have is precious and good. And that nothing is ever going to change that." "I wouldn't change a day." "Me either, Mulder. Oh, Mulder...oh, Mulder!" "Speak to me, baby." "Mulder, Mulder, Mulder..." "Baby, baby, baby, baaaaaa-by!" "Mmmmmmmmmm." "You can say that again." "Mmmmmmmmulder, you're wonderful. I love you, you know." "I know. And you know I do you." "Mmmmmmm." "Think you can sleep now, Scully?" "Mmmmmmm. G'night, Mulder." "Goodnight, baby. Sweet dreams." -END- Feedback greedily consumed at pebblesb@earthlink.net -- A Stone's Throw ... Pebbles' X-Files Fanfiction http://www.musemagic.net/xfiles/pebbles/index.htm