From: "Mel J" <xfiles25@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 13:43:07 PST
Subject: NEW:  Fear (1/1)  Post En Ami
Source: xff



TITLE:  Fear (1/1)
AUTHOR:  MelJ
EMAIL ADDRESS: xfiles25@hotmail.com
SPOILER WARNING: Cancer Eps, Post Ep En Ami
RATING: PG-13ish
CONTENT WARNING: UST, Not really MSR but somewhat... M loves S and
S loves M... Yeah... =)  If i writre another it's msr
CLASSIFICATION: S, Angst!
SUMMARY:  Post Ep En Ami... Scully realizes something is missing...
and that Mulder isn't going to easily forgive her,
DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions
            No infringement intended.

********

She entered her apartment, tossing her keys on the coffee table.  She
headed straight for the shower, wanting to wash away everything... All
of these feelings of guilt and hurt and of being used.

She was in the shower in a matter of seconds, scrubbing everywhere,
wanting to feel clean, to feel nothing... to feel nothing anymore...
She wished she could shut off her feelings at will, but she couldn't.

She remembered what had happened only hours ago.  She had left CGB,
whoever the hell he was, and went straight to Mulder's apartment.  She
pulled up into his parking lot, knowing he would be worried.  She
hadn't called him... that's why she was surprised to see him outside
watching her.

He tried to appear somewhat nonchalent.  When she saw him, he had
a relaxed stance, leaning casually against the building, as if her
ditching him was something she'd do every day.  She had emerged from
the car, and locked her eyes on him... and could feel the war being
waged inside of him.  Something different was in his eyes this time.
Anger was evident, as was hurt and betrayal and pain and everything
else they never talked about it.  She hated to see him that way.
She hated to know that she was the cause of that pain, if he'd let
her explain she would... but he wouldn't let her.

He had been abnormally quiet, throughout the whole thing, only
pausing to send murdurous glances in her direction.  She had felt
something churn inside of her... because he didn't trust her anymore.
Not now, not ever.

His actions made it clear enough.

He had given her silent treatment inside of his apartment, humiliating
her in front of the Gunmen.  She was supposed to be his equal.. Damnit
his equal.  He had ditched her time after time, and she'd never
treated him like that.  He probably thinks what he did couldn't
compare to what he did... but he wouldn't let her explain.  He
wouldn't, and she knew it would take away so much pain if he let her.

A cure for cancer.  A disease she had faced, a disease she knew had
caused her so much suffering.... Sure she hid her pain behind a
veiled mask during the whole ordeal, but didn't he know?  That having
cancer hurt like hell, both emotionally and physically?  Didn't he
know that to find a cure would change everything?  Would change
millions of lives being ruined, thousands of lives being mourned?

This wasn't a selfish journey she took.  This was something she had
to do.  Something so damn important.. Something more important than
damn aliens.  Something that she knew if she had she would be able
to save so many lives.  Just the thought of curing all those people
is worth the risk... It was worth the risk.

Even if she didn't get anything out of it, it was something she had
to do.  Even if Mulder remained angry at her.  She had to.  If she
didn't, she would be beating herself up about it.

She sighed, and forced herself to stop thinking about Mulder.  She
dressed quickly into her pajamas, and crawled into bed.  She was
exhausted and scared and lonely... and rightfully so.  She hated
when she and Mulder had arguemnets.  It was eating at her, and
she knew it would be a long time before she got to sleep... if she
got to sleep at all.

She closed her eyes and tried to stop thinking... stop thinking
about anything, and that was when she became aware of the dull
throbbing in the back of her neck.  At first, she tried to ignore
it, convincing herself it was her imagination, but it continued,
keeping her awake.

She got out of bed, heading towards the mirror, staring at the back
of her neck, as best she could.  It was gone.  The chip was gone.
Or something like that.

There was a large red scar at the back of her neck, and she couldn't
believe she hadn't noticed or felt it before.  She easily had the
answer.  She was too busy to notice it.

So when had it happened?  It was fine when she left with CGB Spender.
He must have done something when he had drugged her.. or something.
Was her cancer back?  At the time, she realized she didn't care.

She didn't care about anything anymore, but the fear that crept up
inside her told her otherwise.  Tears blurred her vision, as she
fell back down against her bed.

She couldn't just stay here anymore, she thought to herself.  She
had to get up.  She had to do something, see someone.  Talk to
someone.  Find out what the hell was wrong with her.

First things first, she had to see the infamous Marjorie Butters.

*-*-*

She arrived at the woman's house, but found the house deserted.  The
door opened easily, and the stench of a house not being used, invaded
her senses.

What the hell was going on, she thought to herself.  She grabbed hold
of the dining table that was covered with plastic.  She felt dizzy,
and kneeled on her knee.

Don't feel, she told herself.  Don't think.  Don't.. Just let it
pass.  Whatever it was passed.  Scully stood up, quietly leaving
the small house.  She drove back to her apartment, and felt a sense
of relief that Mulder hadn't realized she was gone... but with that
came hurt that he hadn't come to check on her.  That he didn't care
enough to see if she was gone or not.  If she was scared or not.  If
she was hurt or not.

She entered her apartment, and sat on the couch, staring at the wall.
The silence was killing herself, yet sleep wasn't coming.  She felt
so damn tired, but she knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep.
She wasn't going to rest in peace.  Or maybe I am, she thought to
herself.  The phone rang, and she immediately headed for it, praying
that Mulder had decided to call her.  It wasn't him, instead it was
her mother.

"Dana, honey, you okay?"

"I'm fine, mom,"  she replied, pausing.  "Why do you think something's
wrong?"

"Fox called.  Dana, he was so worried about you, I didn't know what to
tell him.  Where were you, Dana?  Why couldn't you tell him?  Why did
you lie about it?"

"I had to, mom,"  she whispered softly, clutching the phone tightly
to her ear.  She didn't want to get off the phone with her mother.
They talked idly for a few more minutes before her mother told her
that Charlie was coming over, and she had to get the house prepared.
Then she told me to take care of Mulder, and not lie to him anymore,
or else he might end up dying of concern.

Was everyone on his side?  Didn't anyone understand?  Wouldn't anyone
take the same course of action as she would?  Self-doubt began to
flood her mind.

*-*-*

She didn't go to work on Monday.  How was she supposed to talk to
Mulder?  He didn't want to talk to her.  Besides, he hadn't spoken
to her for almost three days.

He hadn't even called to check up on her.  Or send Byers or Langly...
He didn't do anything.  He doesn't care anymore, she realized sadly
to herself.  He doesn't care if your cancer might be back and you're
at a wits end.

The night before she had gotten a nosebleed.  It was enough proof for
her that the chip was gone.  She didn't want to go to the hospital.
Why prove what she already knew?  Why try to be saved when she didn't
want to be?

Her stomach rumbled, but she didn't go to the kitchen.  She had barely
eaten in the past few days.  She wasn't hungry... or she was but she
couldn't eat.  She couldn't explain it.  It was her punishment in a
way, to stay without food.

She had spent the days camped out on her couch, barely moving.  She
hadn't exercised, and felt fat.. and ugly... and dirty...

She closed her eyes, feeling tired even though she hadn't done
anything.  She idly flipped through the channels when she heard a soft
knock on the door.  She recognized that knock.  How pathetic was
that?

It was Mulder.

She didn't want to answer the door.  She stared at the door, willing
him to go away, to leave her in her solitude.  Instead, he opened
the door with his key, and walked in, his gaze resting on her.  He
gently pushed the door closed, and walked towards me, kneeling next
to the couch, his hand pushing away a stray strand of hair.  He felt
her forehead with the back of his hand, and frowned.

"You have a fever,"  he said softly.

Don't look at me like that, Scully screamed silently.  Don't look at
me like you love me when you don't.  Don't look at me like you care
when you don't.  Don't look at me like that because then I'll tell
you.  Damnit Mulder, please...  She watched him hesitate a moment,
before heading to the kitchen, returning with a thermometer.  He
pushed it into her mouth, and she felt him staring at her.  She
stared back at him.  She saw him looking, searching her eyes for
something, but she revealed nothing.  She said nothing.  She thought
she could keep it up, but before she knew what was happening, tears
were rolling down her eyes.

She could never keep anything from him.  No matter how she tried,
it rarely, if ever, worked.  She tried to stop the tears from
progressing, but before she knew what was happening she was sobbing,
and Mulder pulled her into his arms.

"Don't ever do this to me again, Scully,"  Mulder said hoarsely.  "You
don't understand the hell I've been going through for the past three
days.  I can't live without you, and I can't bear the thought of
anything happening to you by that bastard.  Do you hear me, Scully?
I can't live without you.  I can't.  I can't."  His words only made
her sob more, and Mulder tried to soothe her.

"I shouldn't have done what I did, Scully.  But you shouldn't have
done what you did.  I-It's alright Scully, whatever reason you had,
I'm sure it's valid.  I shouldn't have blown up the way I did... I
just, I was just so damn scared.  It's alright, Scully.  It's
alright,"  he repeated.  The trembling in her body hadn't decreased
though, and he tried to pull away from her to get a better look at
her... to see her face.  To understand if anything else had happened
to her.  To understand why his words and his touch weren't soothing
her.  Dimly, he realized something serious must be wrong.

He kissed the top of her head, and rubbed her back, trying to destroy
whatever fear she had in her head.  FInally, her sobs subsided, but
he didn't want to let go of her.  It felt so good to keep his arms
around her.  He knew she belonged there.

He kissed the top of her head again, and gently pulled away from her,
staring at her, waiting for an answer.  He didn't know that what she
was going to say would shatter his world for the days to come.

"I think my cancer's back,"  she said so softly, he wasn't sure she
had said it at all.  His face visibly paled, and he demanded that
she repeat what she just said.

"My cancer... I think it's back."

"I'm taking you to the hospital,"  Mulder answered distantly, grabbing
her shoulders and lifting her up.  She nodded and Mulder's hand
found it's way to the small of her back.

"When was the last time you ate something,"  Mulder questioned, his
mouth near her ear, his hand curling to the side of her waist, pulling
her closer.

When she remained stubbornly quiet, he grabbed an unopened pack of
Fritos.  It'd do... for now.

He led her to his car, praying she didn't believe he was hovering...
when she didn't say anything he took it as a good sign.  In the car,
she began to explain... and he listened.  Willingly.

*-*-*

As he waited in the hospital waiting room for any sign that Scully
was okay, he thought about the fight they had.  It was stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.  He had come to her apartment after three
days... three days of sleepless nights, and drinking beer at his
favorite bar.

He had come to get the truth from her, realizing that the whole
fight was insane.  He didn't expect to find her half-dead on the
sofa.  He didn't expect to be told that she might have her cancer
back,

All he wanted was for things to get back to normal... And he hated
himself for waiting so long for things to be right again.

"Mr. Mulder?"  A doctor questioned.

Mulder turned to stare at the man waiting for the verdict, but it
never came.

"You're partner's waiting for you.  She ah, she wants to tell you
this herself,"  he finished, before leaving the waiting room,
motioning for Mulder to follow him.

And he did, knowing that whatever truth shall befall him, he loved
this woman more than anything... And nothing would ever change that.


THE END

Author's Notes:  After days of writer's block, this baby came
out.  Tell me what you think at xfiles25@hotmail.com