Subject: *NEW* "Fear" (1/1) by Nora Katherine From: spooky42@juno.com Date sent: Sat, 11 Apr 1998 22:23:19 EDT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Fear" written by Nora Katherine date: 11th April 1998 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully are not mine, they belong to Chris Carter and that legal tag-team at Fox. No copyright infringement intended. DISTRIBUTE: Anywhere; please keep everything intact. RATING: PG CONTENT/SPOILER: Mulder/Scully UST. (Possible) spoilers for the X-Files movie. ARCHIVE: V SUMMARY: Got this idea when I heard about the proposed soundtrack list for the movie. Scully thinks about life and work and the X-Files. Author's interpretation of a spoiler from the movie. DEDICATED TO: the MSRISMA people. Just because. AUTHOR'S NOTE: By the way, I know this isn't the song they're supposedly using, but I'm hoarding some of my creative license. Bear with me. And thanks as always to Linda-- you know my stories would crash and burn without your wonderful editing! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Fear" (part 1/1) Dana Katherine Scully sighed and rubbed her eyes. She fumbled for her keys in her jacket, hearing the pocket lining material rustle next to her as she dug through it. Pulling it out finally, she traced the door with the key until she heard the definitive click of it going into the lock. After unlocking the regular lock, she undid the deadbolt as well, and stepped into her dark apartment, shutting the door. She took off her jacket, throwing its bland, Bureau-regulation form onto the couch. Bureau-regulation, indeed, she thought, a sour expression spreading across her face. As far as she was concerned, she'd never be worrying about =that= after tomorrow had passed. Scully certainly didn't look forward to facing Skinner, but her mind had already been made up. She carefully removed the holster from her belt, setting it on the table behind the couch that now wore her jacket. Once she had done that, she stood there for an entire minute, pondering what to do next. A thousand emotions ran through her mind-- hatred, sadness, anger, pain -- but most prominently, it felt like her chest had transformed into a gaping black hole, cutting into her chest and absorbing matter of the universe, never to see the light of day again. Sheepishly, she glanced down for a moment to make sure that the feeling was merely figurative. The action gave her an excuse to move again, so she sat down on one of the chairs in the living room and began to unlace her boots. Slowly, one boot ... which she then ceremoniously kicked up into the air where it hit the ceiling and fell to the floor ... and then the other, which flew across the room in the other direction, barely missing her antique lamp, and crashing into her armoire by the door with a loud 'thump.' And then she sat. All she felt was numb. Her fingers, her arms, her legs, her mind ... Feeling left her and she sunk into ennui. She knew there were thoughts rolling around in her head somewhere, but it had gotten to the point where she couldn't even remember what those were. She was awash with numbness ... as reason for her existence suddenly blurred before her consciousness. It no longer mattered anymore. Everything was ... Scully shuddered violently as images returned. Skinner's face as he sharply announced-- once more-- the FBI's decision to close down the X-Files division. Talk about deja vu, she thought with a hint of such sick irony. Mulder grabbing the electric pencil sharpener from the desk -- along with other various pieces of office equipment. The guts of the small appliances spewing out across the floor... His anger ... his anger and frustration that had scared =her,= even ... And, suddenly, that had ended it. Scully had known it was coming ... it had been building up slowly, like a rising tower of blocks that would eventually teeter and collapse. The abduction, the tests, all the deaths she had dealt with, her cancer, finding out she had a child that was created for the sole purpose of being killed --? When was it going to end? When would it ever stop? Finally, that day, after the executive word had become final, Scully decided. It was all going to stop here. Now. With her. Scully had been thinking about it for so long that she already had the document prepared to go. She only need to date it, and print it out. Nevertheless, that still hadn't readied her for Mulder's reaction. ~~~~~~ "Scully..." "Mulder, this is something I've been thinking about for a long time." He'd been quiet at first, seemingly interested in what her viewpoint on the situation was. It appeared he was probing into the psychology at work. Typical Mulder, she thought. "How long?" he asked. She shook her head. "I don't know, Mulder ..." "You've been thinking about leaving? For a long time? You haven't liked it here? You don't enjoy the X-Files? Has it been me, Scully ... what is it? Why haven't you told me any of this?" Mulder fired off the questions so quickly, Scully didn't have a chance to put a word in edgewise. Finally, Mulder paused, focusing on her with those eyes that burned right through her. "It was a personal decision that I've been thinking about for a while, Mulder," she replied, standing up. This presented Mulder the opportunity to officially blow up. His hand came down, hitting the desk with a loud slap. "*Goddamn it,* Scully! After =everything= we've worked for--" Mulder's voice caught at this moment, and Scully could almost see everything Mulder thought he had worked for dissolving right before his eyes. Nevertheless, that knowledge did not fray her convictions in the least. "And for *what?* she interrupted him, just as loudly. "And for what? Mulder, the X-Files have been =closed.= We have been shut down ... for the final time." Her ice blue eyes locked onto his. "My decision to leave has nothing to do with you. It's strictly personal. This is my life and =my= decision, Mulder." Mulder's mouth dropped. Had it had been windy in there, his bottom lip would have likely been flapping openly in the breeze. It moved slightly, as if he was about to say something. Shutting it, he said nothing. Scully spoke instead. "Mulder, I'm tired of running for my life everyday. I'm tired of worrying about whether I will be summoned or whether another child is going to show up in my life that I won't be prepared for. I'm tired of dealing with all this bureaucratic bullshit, and, personally, I'm tired of chasing after =you= constantly!" They both paused for a moment, Scully surprised at her own outburst, and Mulder contemplating how to answer. "Scully," Mulder said, resigning himself to his plastic-covered desk- chair. He paused for a beat, keeping his eyes away from hers. "Do you really think it's all going to go away now? Do you think you're going to stop being 'summoned' because you no longer work for the Bureau? Do you think that this is going to end?" Finally, he looked over at her. "It's not going to end with this, Scully. This is only the beginning." Mulder leaned across the desk. The plastic rippled as his arms slid across it, his hazel eyes holding a pleading tone that Scully found incredibly hard to ignore. But she did. She nodded at the paper. "I'm sending a copy to Skinner by tomorrow as well." With that, she turned and left. Normally that was something that Mulder did-- he was pretty good at that; just stepping up and leaving without another word, but as far as Scully was concerned, she wouldn't ever have to deal with it again. She wasn't going to fear for her life or worry about massive conspiracies anymore. Or whether there was such a thing as extraterrestrial life, she thought, angrily punching the button to the elevator. Before she could get in, however, she heard his voice. "Scully!" Her last glimpse as she stepped on was of him dashing down the hallway. Then the elevator doors closed, carrying her away from that office and to the freedom of the Hoover Building parking garage. ~~~~~~ And now, still sitting in the dark, pain stabbed at her heart as her conscience nagged at her soul. Had she done the right thing, leaving Mulder? Leaving like that? Scully corrected herself: of course she had. The X-Files were closed and there was nothing they could do any longer. Mulder was simply going to be reassigned, as was she, and she would have to live with the hand she had dealt herself. She and Mulder would no longer have jurisdiction over the X-Files. Chances were, they would probably never work together again. The best thing for both of them would be for her to leave. To form a new life, because staying with the Bureau had brought her nothing but pain, sickness, and heartache. What good was it anymore? she wondered, her eyes beginning to tear up. To keep herself from heading any further down that road, she went over and put on a CD. "Wind in time ... rapes the flower trembling on the vine .." The soft, but potent sounds of Sarah McLachlan slowly settled her down, creating a contentedness that she hadn't felt for weeks. "But I fear ... I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here in this lonely place ..." The Canadian singer's voice moved into her soul, carefully cleansing it out as she laid there, her eyes gently shutting without the pretense of sleep. Sleep wasn't going to come just yet. ~~~~~~ A loud rapping at the door interrupted her jumble of thoughts as she laid in the silent room, staring at the blank ceiling. The room that was too silent, the ceiling that was too white. She got up, and glanced down at the long dressing gown she had on. She made a face, even though she had a feeling she knew what to expect when the door opened. Checking the peephole, Scully saw exactly what she had expected and simultaneously hoped not to see. Wordlessly, she opened the door. "I wake you?" His words were soft and slightly hesitant. He must have known he was treading on hot coals. "No," she said flatly. "Why not? It's three a.m." He sounded surprised. Considering the day that they had both just seen, she had to wonder why. Scully took a minute to observe Mulder's appearance. His hair was mussed, and he was still wearing the same dress shirt and slacks he'd been wearing that afternoon, with the exception of the tie he'd been wearing. That was now gone. One side of his shirt was untucked, and she noticed the odd combination of his leather jacket and work boots completing the outfit. Scully had also noticed something else: Mulder's breath. "Are you drunk, Mulder?" she asked, her eyes lowering at him. Just what she wanted to deal with.. an intoxicated Mulder. "I was until about an hour ago," he said, motioning off to the side as if to indicate some sort of clock. His eyes came back, probing over her. Scully didn't notice and said caustically, "Is that before or after you got the idea to come here?" She didn't want to deal with this. Mulder looked at her oddly. "What are you implying, Scully?" Tilting her chin, she frowned. "I thought that you may have gotten drunk and decided to come here to talk me out of quitting." Her arms instantly folded across her chest, signalling the finality of her decision. Mulder paused, digesting what she had said. "Is that what you want me to do?" he asked slowly. Scully hesitated, and her mind flashed back to all the thoughts that had been stirring in her mind recently. It allowed Mulder just enough time to push through into her apartment. She turned around, glaring at him while her hands settled on her hips. "Go home, Mulder. It's late." "Get dressed, Scully." She looked at him, surprised. Mulder had demanded things out of her before, but not in this matter. "Mulder," she asked, "what are you doing?" His usual ambiguity returning, he said, "Just get dressed. I'll explain on the way." Scully thought for another few seconds. Mulder's eyes again probed her, and this time, she caught it. For some reason, she became uncomfortable at what he was doing. And she knew he wouldn't stop until she agreed to do what he said. Sighing, she headed into her bedroom to get dressed. It looked like wasn't over just yet. == THE END == The lyrics of the song in this story belong to Sarah McLachlan, and I borrowed the title of my story from that particular song. No infringement intended there, either. --------------------------------------------------------- Feedback-- please! comments to: non_profit@juno.com --------------------------------------------------------- ... thanks for reading, folks!