From o-cha@universe.digex.net Sun Nov 03 09:41:48 1996 SPOILER NOTE: This is *not* speculation born of previews. This is my response to actually viewing the episode. MAJOR SPOILER WARNING FOR TFWID APPLIES!! The Field Where I Rationalized by G. Harbowy -- grh@teatime.com [all images and characters associated with The X-Files are owned by 10-13, Fox network, and lots of other people who aren't me. I'm borrowing them for entertainment purposes only, with no profit made and no infringement intended.] Rating: PG Classification: VA Summary: After the credits fade on TFWID, Mulder and Scully discuss Mulder's past-life regression. Spoilers galore. ------------- Dana Scully let herself into Mulder's apartment. She'd knocked three times and gotten no answer, even though she knew he was home. That could only mean he was listening to the tapes again. The regression tapes -- another indexed hour of angst to add to his collection. And given the circumstances, these were probably even less reliable than the sessions where he "remembered" his sister's abduction. She squinted, adjusting to the dim light of the room after the bright hallway, and closed the door quietly behind her. There he was, prone on the couch, just as she'd anticipated, a ragged throw-pillow clutched to his chest. In the silence of the room, the only sound he made was the click of the walkman shifting from rewind to play. Scully moved slowly in the dusk, not wanting to startle him. His eyes opened and calmly acknowledged her presence when she reached the foot of the sofa, but he didn't move. Finding a slice of cushion at his calves, she perched uncomfortably. Waited. He stared at her, listening to his tape. Click - whirr... click. The simple sound was more grating than nails on a blackboard. Finally, she reached up in a decisive motion and took the box from his hand, pressing the stop button as she did. Slowly, his eyes unglazed. He pulled the headphones off in a stupor, then shook himself and came awake. "Scully." He sat up to pull his feet in, giving her more room. "Mulder, I--" "Scully, if you came here to discredit or -- or 'debunk' my experiences on this case, I hope you'll have the tact to pretend otherwise." "I just want to talk about it, Mulder. I don't want to debunk anything, and I don't want to slight your experience." He sighed, a sound born of relief and exasperation in equal measure. "What do you want, then?" He sounded so defensive. So hurt. So, well, vulnerable. And that, she knew, was the feeling he hated most. "I want to talk, Mulder. I want to understand how you're feeling, and maybe help you understand why I don't see it the same way." "I know you. I know your arguments by now. I can have this whole conversation with you, without you even being present." "No, Mulder. Not this time. Now, I'm willing to explain if you're willing to listen and give me constructive feedback. I want to try to understand, but I can't do that if you blow up at me for speaking my mind." She pursed her lips and waited for his nod before continuing. "I don't know how you found that bunker," she began, "and I'm not going to pretend I have an explanation. A feeling, a hunch; whatever you want to call it, you've had them before, and I've learned to go along with them. "Now, I know you feel responsible for Samantha's abduction, and I can understand that she would manifest under hypnosis as your dependent, be it as a younger sister or as your own child. You feel that there's a cycle of betrayal that hasn't been broken, and she represents that. In past-life jargon, you'll keep failing to protect her over and over until you learn how to avoid that fate. In psychological jargon, however, that's your psyche punishing yourself for failing to protect her in your youth." He was still staring into space, but he nodded. Good, she thought, he's with me so far. "I can also see the rationale for what you said about cancerman -- how evil remains evil. The holocaust imagery you described is in a way directly symbolic of who you are and what you're doing: you're fighting for the truth and just trying to survive, while higher forces want to destroy everything you stand for and everything you are. "But I feel that where the parallels begin to break down is where you started pulling my name into your past lives." He looked at her sharply. "You don't want to be a part of my delusion, is that it?" "No, Mulder. I just think that your subconscious created a role for me, in order to draw me in -- to get me personally involved and make your explanation seem more credible to me. The roles you described for me -- there's no parallel to the role I'm in now. In each example you cited, I was your superior in some way; a parent, a general; and in this life, at this point in time, I'm not in a position where I have power over you." "Of course you are. You were assigned to debunk my work. All my action with the X-Files hung by a string, dependent only on your approval. You don't call that power? Then I pictured you dead and separated from me. That happened in this life, too, except that you miraculously survived. So, maybe I've learned what needed to be learned from that event. Maybe my lesson in this life, where you're involved, was to value friendship over revenge." "I find it more plausible that you understood my power over your continued work on this investigation, and by making me feel a part of your connection to it, I would be less likely to reject your efforts." "So you're saying...?" "I'm saying," she sighed, "that it's likely the accounts you gave under hypnosis were caused by your unconscious mind attempting to rationalize Melissa's statements and your own feelings about the case, and not by any connection with past lives. Detach yourself for a minute, and think about this as a psychologist, not as a participant. Does my observation not make sense to you in that light?" The pained look began to recede as his working mind took over. "I understand what you're saying," he conceded, "but I don't agree with it, because I don't think it accounts for all variables. How I knew the names of those people you found in the registry, for example." Scully sighed again. "I don't know, Mulder. I think there's an explanation for it. You may have seen their names on documents at the temple, or written on a beam down in that bunker. But I can't say with certainty, and neither can you, that those names came from any one specific place." "They had to come from somewhere," he insisted. "And I'm sure they did," she agreed. "But I don't know where. And neither do you." He leaned back, resting his head against the wall behind the couch. Scully watched his eyes close, flicker, and gradually relax. Tentatively, she reached a hand out to his shoulder; connected with him physically, if not emotionally. "So..." she began again, "does this mean you've given up on love in this lifetime?" He raised his head, looked at her. "If betrayal is as much a fear of mine as your analysis would suggest, I've created this scenario as an excuse to avoid intimacy. If an emotional encounter doesn't work, I can easily rationalize it away." "How so?" "I can tell myself that it's because my soulmate is dead, and I'll have to wait to get to my next life to have another chance at emotional fulfillment. "Then again, if a relationship does happen, and does work, I can tell myself that my goal in this life was to learn to love, so that I'll be ready for her when we meet again." "Do you really think you'll meet her again? That you're destined to cross paths in each incarnation?" His hand covered hers and squeezed. "I don't know, Scully. You'll have to ask me again in about a hundred years." -- g. harbowy grh@teatime.com specializing in reverse psychology -- please don't visit my web page at http://www.teatime.com/grh/