Date: 27 Dec 1999 21:37:49 GMT
Subject: Repost: Just Being Friends

I didn't write this wonderful stroy although I wish I did. Please send feedback
to Rainbow920@aol.com.

Enjoy!
Cindy

Title: Fine Just being Friends
Author: Emcee Phile
Email: Rainbow920@aol.com
Category: SAR
Archive: Anywhere is fine, just let me know.
Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance
Spoilers: Momento Mori, Elegy, and Tooms
Disclaimer: Don't take away my copy of The Prince of Tides just because they
aren't mine and never will be.
Summary: Mulder muses on the nature of a word.


		There are many different kinds of fear. Fear of losing your life, fear to
change your life, fear of losing people, fear of yes, gaining people. It is the
thought of these last two that brings me where I am today. 

In a car, three years ago, Dana Scully said a sentence that I have played in my
head countless times.

		"I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you." 

It was a magic sentence, because, for the first time, I had a partner. A
friend, someone who trusted me even if we had such drastically different belief
systems. And the hushed, intimate tones she used could lead me to believe she
was in love with me. But it was her eyes that were the most convincing
evidence. Shining like beacons, with confidence, with faith, with an emotion I
was unfamiliar with even if it was one I'd read about. Her eyes wanted to take
the next step. Maybe not fast, but she wanted to begin the gradual stages of
something more. But I was afraid. I had become intoxicated with having a true
friend by my side, with having her to work with. It was so new and so
different, I didn't want it to evolve.
So my eyes said,
		"We're fine as friends."
Unfortunately, Scully got the message. And with time, I lost the convenient
excuse of the newness of our pairing. She almost died, and we grew closer. I
almost died, and she held me, and put her career on the line for me. I've been
there for some of her most traumatic experiences, I've been her friend. But I
could have been more. Last year, we lost faith in our government, we lost our
family members, but due to luck and tenacity, we survived. And in a moment of
connection we so needed, I took her in my arms. I knew for certain that I loved
her, but I also knew that we were fine, just being friends.

But four months ago, Scully told me she was dying of cancer. She has also taken
to telling me she is fine. No one with a terminal illness is FINE. I have no
medical training whatsoever, but even I know that. And then I felt somewhat
hypocritical. Because there have been intimate moments between us, when Scully
asked if we could cross the line, and I told her, nonverbally, that we were
fine as friends. I have no right to be angry with her word choice. It's been a
part of my vocabulary since the Tooms case. But I can't be fine with just being
friends, not when death is so close to her now. Especially not when she's
denying it, when she's closing off to me to fight alone. She saw Herold
Spuller, and she's afraid. She's not fine physically, or mentally now, thanks
to that case. And our relationship is fine the way it is, but it isn't RIGHT. I
extended the olive branch for being so angry at her after the case. But
Scully's afraid. I put on my trenchcoat and walk to the car. 

Scully answers my knock almost immediately. 
		"What's wrong, Mulder?" There are dark circles under her eyes, and she is
dressed casually. I put my arm around her shoulders and sit her down on the
couch.  It is only when I take her hand that she begins to look slightly
overwhelmed.  
		"I didn't wake you, did I?"
		
       "No, why?" 
 I nod. Scully is still puzzling over what brought me here. She looks a little
fuzzy, not as on top of things.
I'm not trying to frighten Scully. I'll have to begin at the beginning.
But she has something to say first.
	
"Mulder, about the last case..." Scully looks apologetic.
		"Scully, I'm sorry, but I need to get this off my chest. I've been thinking
about Spuller too. Can you recall times when you wanted to make a change in our
partnership, but I broadcast something along the lines of, 'We're fine as
friends."
Scully smiles at me, remembering the first occasion I broadcast such a signal. 
		"But you've been telling me you're fine so often recently, and I've come to
hate the word." 
		"Not as much as I do. Mulder, can you imagine maintaining a stifling status
quo when so much more could be done?"
 
		"Now I can. But it took you, not being fine physically..." My voice breaks,
but I continue. Scully looks downcast. "For me to realize that fine wasn't what
we needed anymore." 

	"What do we need, Mulder?" Scully sounds a little lost, very tired and worn.
She needs me now, like never before..
		"Normally Mulder, I'd question this, but I'm tired of waiting and I'll save
that for later."
Her grin is infectious. I stroke her flame colored tresses and draw her close
to me. We can't just be friends, I've already grown used to this. I bring her
face to mine, and as we enter the sweetest of kisses, we have what we need. And
I thank a God I don't believe in that it is not too late.


Author's Notes: Thanks a ton to Cindy and Jess for the encouragement. And hi to
all my other friends and muse stimulators over at the AOL boards.
And Finally, to Amanda, for all her love and support during the author's
illness.
I really love feedback...
Please remove 'posure'  from my name for e-mail.

I still have my heart, still have the dream.