From: =?iso-8859-1?q?Claire=20Fenby?= Date: Thu, 5 Oct 2000 18:21:12 +1100 (EST) Subject: 500th Phantom Poo by Chia Source: direct TITLE: Five Hundredth Phantom Poo - The Broadway Extravaganza - The Arena Spectacular - The Movie - The Prequel of the Sequel's Third Prequel - The Special Edition AUTHOR: Chia - arrntzen1@yahoo.com.au RATING:PG, for the "f" word. And a few others. CONTENT: H KEYWORDS: Characters die SUMMARY: In this all-singing, all-dancing story, Mulder sees the dark side of Scully... AUTHORS NOTES: The part where Alex Krycek is singing and the toasters part is the creation of my friend. Thank you to her for helping me when I had writers block. DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters used in this story, CC, 1013 and Fox own some, the people who made Scream own the other and the songs are obviously not mine. Don't sue. Please. Thank you. The scene opens in Mulder's dark, stagnant apartment. Mulder muttered something incoherently in his sleep and lazily rolled on to his right side. As we watch this insane person sleep we are slowly transported into his dream of aliens, abductions, killing Scully, Diana Fowleys lips imploding, and him singing hazily to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody... "Towards a bright light, it is my fantasy, caught in a tractor beam, an escape from reality. I open my eyes, look into the light, can't seeeeee. I've been abducted, I need no sympathy, here they come, here they go, little high, little low. Anywhere the probe goes doesn't really matter to meeeee, to meeee. Scully looks like a man, I'll put a gun against her head, she's so ugly, should be dead. Scully, life had just begun but then you had to go and put on weight. Skinner, oohoohoohooh, your hair has not grown back, if it's not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, baldness doesn't matter when your an FBI agent who can't get sex. Anal probe, the time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, I feel like eating slime. Goodbye, fatarse Scully, I've got to go. Got to leave you all behind, I've found the truth. Scully, oohoohoohooh, I was always right (now my pants are tight), and I sometimes wish you'd never been born at all. (Mulder does amazing air guitar solo with aliens on drums) I see a little caramello of a man, I'm a moose, I'm a moose that can do the fandango. Scully's stopped her whining, very, very frightening. Me I LOVE MAYO, I love mayo, I LOVE MAYO, I love mayo, I LOVE MAYO FIGARO. Magnificoooooooo. I'm a little spooky, nobody loves me. He's very spooky, from a fucked up family, spare him a life in that monstrosity. I have come, I will go, really have got to go. You smella no we will not let you go. I need to go. You smella no we will not let you go. Need to go. Will not let you go. Need to go. Will not let you go, no no no no. I got to pee-a, got to pee-a. Got to pee-a, need to go. The toilet was too very, very far away, I peed, I peed, I peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeed. (Another kick ass guitar solo.) So you think my bladder bursting will cause me to die? I think I'll just have to pee in your eyes. Oh aliens, can't do this to me aliens, I'm just gonna jump out, just gonna jump right out of here. Didn't really matter, aliens can't see, didn't really matter to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I think I felt my wind blow..." Suddenly Mulder sat bolt upright in bed. "That was mighty weird," he said as he wondered why he had the feeling he had wet the bed. He ignored that sensation and tried to get in another two hours sleep before he had to get ready for work. The scene cuts to Diana Fowley's living room. "I'm a bitch, I'm a cheater, I drink vodka by the litre, I munch on cigarettes and I chain smoke serviettes. I'm a scrag, I'm a whore, it can be a real chore although I wouldn't want it any other way." Diana sang as she lit up another serviette. She sat down on the dusty, saggy, relic-from-the- fifties couch and took in the atmosphere of her stingy apartment. Little did she know that the Scream Guy a.k.a Mr. Ghostface was lurking around behind her wielding a perfectly sharpened, deadly toothpick. The Scream Guy slowly walked towards the couch on which Diana was sitting picking her nose. She turned, startled, when the Scream Guy slipped on an empty vodka bottle. Diana let out a hideously mannish bellow and yelled, "No, please don't Mr. GhostFace, I want to make the sequel." As she was screaming her lips spasmed and swung backwards, swallowing her entire self in a matter of seconds leaving an inside out pile of bones and bodily parts on the worn carpet. The Scream Guy sighed and muttered, "Damn, at least I didn't have to kill the bitch. I wanted to ask her what her favourite scary movie was as well." The scene opens with the Syndicate standing around doing basically nothing in that big room they always seem to be in. Music blares and they begin to sing along to that Stonecutters song. "Who lets Krycek sleep around, who keeps the mutants underground, we do, we do. Who sets elaborate booby traps, who keeps the Martians under wraps, we do, we do. Who holds back the electric car, who makes David Duchovny a star, we do, we do. Who eats jarfuls of vegemite, who rigs every Oscar night, we do, we doooooooo." The Syndicate sang as Alex Krycek finished off with a very loud, highly operatic doooooooooooooooo. As they finished singing their well- choreographed song they got down to business. "So, Mr. GhostFace, I presume the Diana Fowley murder went well." "Um, yes and no. I didn't actually have to maim or kill her in any way. Her lips spasmed and swallowed her whole." The Scream Guy replied "Very good job any way. Because of your efficiency we won't need Krycek any more. Alex you're fired." "Nooooooooooo. I'm going to get you you big fat ugly chain smoking, tobacco stained bastard." Alex screamed as he tried to hold back the tears. "Excuse me, Mr Smoking Man, may I ask you a question?" The Scream Guy asked "Certainly." The Scream Guy switched on his creepy voice distorter thingy and said, "What's your favourite scary movie?" "Mr. GhostFace, shut the hell up. Don't you get it? People are sick of that line, you have to find a new catch phrase. If you don't we'll have to kill you." The Smoking Man said as the scene cut to Mulder and Scully's office. "Mulder, I have some great news! Diana Fowley's dead! Yay! This is the happiest day of my life. Apparently she was killed by that Scream Guy." Scully announced to Mulder, who was picturing her as a toaster, as she waltzed into their office. Mulder sat there, shocked. He started to wail and ran over to the corner that contained the remains of Jeffrey Spender, who had now disintegrated into dust. "Noooooooooo. Scully, you are the root of all evil. You are so mean. You smell just like her burning serviettes. You smoked a serviette just to spite me. I think I'll have to break into song." Mulder stood up tore off his large trench coat to reveal the outfit Britney Spears wore in her "Sometimes" video. "Sometimes I run, (sometimes) sometimes I cry, just like a girlie man but all I really want is to solve a case, be treated right, get even a pay rise." Mulder sang, very emotionally but before we go insane he is cut off by Scully, her stress levels heightening quickly. Scully let out an extremely angry hullabaloo and turned on Mulder wielding her incredibly dangerous TOOTHPICK! She switched on the voice distorter thingy and said, "So Mulder, what's your favourite scary movie? Oh wait I need a new one. So Mulder, what's your favourite blockbuster comedy/romance movie of the year starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant? That's right, I'm the Scream Guy. It's not my fault, it's their fault, they rejected me. Over and over and over again. They said I wasn't right for the role but I am. I'm Sidney's long lost mother's, sister's, daughter's, best- friend's, second cousin's, wife's, nephew's, boyfriend's, mistress's, sister. See, I have a motive and now, because you know, I'm going to have to kill you." Suddenly Scully ran at Mulder, waving her deadly toothpick in every direction possible. With one swift stroke she stabbed Mulder in the heart. He lay there stunned before keeling over, dead (still picturing Scully as a toaster). "HOOWAHAHAHAHA!" Scully screamed maniacally before running like a pansy towards the lifts. Happy Clown's Costume Shop "Hi, I'd like to hire a Scream Guy costume." Alex Krycek asked the incredibly dumb looking shop assistant. "Sure but before we can hire this out to you we have to make sure you aren't going to be wearing this in any form of killing spree so are you going to be murdering any young, innocent, teenagers in this garment?" The shop assistant asked. "Um...not really, no. Not at all. Would I do a thing like that?" Alex replied, trying not to look as if he was lying. "Oh well that's great then. That'll be $49.95 thanks." "What! Ok. Do you take American Express? I love this country." Alex said. I guess that's the price you have to pay if you want to pull off a killing spree properly he thought as he picked up the bag and walked out to his Porsche Boxster with missiles under the headlights and M&M's dispensers next to the steering wheel. Scully got out of her bright pink rental car, wandered through the car park towards the lifts and when she got in she tenderly poked the button for the 49th floor. Not far behind her, Alex Krycek jumped out of his car, muttered "Today is judgement day, or whatever," and trudged towards the other lift and when he was inside he punched the button for the 49th floor. The lift doors opened and Scully strode into the hallway with very expensive carpet. She turned right and broke through the door at the end of the hall. Just as she had waltzed through the doors to the boardroom, the doors to Alex Krycek's lift opened and he stormed angrily out, turned right down the hall and burst into the room in which Scully was chatting happily to it's inhabitants. "Scully, ahhhh what are you doing here" he inquired looking down at the toasters she was wearing as shoes. "I'm plotting my next intriguing, deep murder. What are YOU doing here?" she inquired, her squidgy little eyes narrowing. "I got fired because everyone realised that one armed Russians suck so I thought that I would hang off you like a bad smell. You see I'm all alone......." (Breaks into song) "Tomorrow, tomorrow my arm might grow back tomorrow It's only a mangled stump..... Tomorrow, tomorrow....... Someone may love me tomorrow It's only a daaaay aaaawwwaaaaaaaaayyy..." "Right........." Scully said whipping out her toothpick "If we're gonna be loser murderers together you're gonna need one of these." "Wwwwhat is it?" Krycek asked "Its a tooth pick dip shit. Lets get to work" (They walk out of the building and try to find their first victim) "So Alex, who do you think we should kill first?" Scully asked. "Well, Skinner's a bit of a baldy-head bastard, why don't we kill him?" Alex replied. "Sounds like a mighty good idea to my Pinky, I mean, Alex." Scully said as she ran off, her toasters clanging extremely loudly. 5:73pm FBI Headquarters (This is not a typo, it is in fact the real time. What kind of arsehole thinks time only goes up to 60 minutes in an hour? They seem to have a lot less time in Oregon. Ok, on with the story) Alex and Scully waltzed through the security beeper things at the front door and headed for the closest lift. They poked the button for the 13th floor numerous times (because they're stupid) and waited, twiddling their thumbs and listening to the out of date elevator music (mmmbop by Hanson). At the fifth floor Scully noticed Alex was singing along to the music. "Alex, what the fuck are you doing? Are you singing Hanson? If you want to be part of a dangerous, murderous duo you can't sing mmmbop dammit." Scully screamed attacking him with her toothpick and accidentally severed his head, legs and single arm. "Whoops," Scully muttered before shoving his body into that little box containing the emergency telephone, "guess I'll have to kill Skinner myself." The elevator pinged and the doors open with a fancy 'swoosh'. Scully strode out into the weirdly smelling hallway and walked into Skinner's secretary's office. "Hi there Skinner's secretary who looks weirdly like I do. I'd like to kill, I mean talk to, Skinner. That's right. Talk to him." Scully said, quickly covering up her incredibly stupid mistake. "Righto. Go right through. He's not doing anything as usual." Skinner's secretary who looks like Scully said. Scully turned towards the door to his office but stopped turned around and quickly chopped up Skinner's secretary with her toothpick. After she had stuffed her in her filing cabinet she turned around and burst through the door to Skinners office. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Scully hollered at Skinner who was sitting at his desk. "I have you now baldy man." "Oh no you don't" screamed Alex who had somehow, through the work of some weird bodily deformity, joined his body parts together, although he had stuck one of his legs on his arm socket, like Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg, which made pointing a gun extremely difficult. "You tried to kill me bitch. I'm just gonna have to shoot you now." "Jesus Christ what kind of freak are you" Skinner called to Alex. "Stop picking on me." Alex wailed. "Just because I stuck my leg on my arm it's not a reason to tease me." He said as he cried, sprawled on the floor of Skinners office. He waved his arm and legs up and down, screaming and shrieking when his gun fired a bullet, probably because he was banging his leg on the floor so much. The bullet shot through the air and hit Scully in the arm. She flew towards the window, fell through the glass and plunged to her death. Alex and Skinner looked out the window to the horrible scene below. Scully's arms were twisted in an impossible pose and her head had snapped off completely and was rolling around in the gutter. "Hey Skinner, would you like to be part of a dangerous, murderous duo who wreak havoc wherever they go?" "Why not. But before we go to do dastardly deeds can you scrape my secretary out of the filing cabinet?" Skinner asked. "Righto." As Alex finished mopping up Kimberley, he and Skinner skipped off down the hall, singing and generally being merry. "We'd like to thank you J. Edgar Hoover, for making us what we are todaaaaay..." THE END Okaaay, well, did you like that? I hope so and if you did I'd like feedback. I really love getting emails and stuff so please send me some. Please