From: Beaker Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:10:19 -0800 Subject: New: The Flying Pig Bar and Grill by Beaker Title: The Flying Pig a X-file fanfic by Beaker (cmb3453@unix. tamu.edu) December 12, 1998 Disclaimer: I do not own Mulder, Scully, or the X-files. Just borrowed them for a little while. Rating: PG Category: H Keyword: I have no idea Summary: This is in response to a challenge to write a X-file story using as many episode titles as possible. Misc business: Archive anywhere, as long as e-mail address remains attached. Feedback: Yes! But be gentle this is my first fic and remember it'ss more gimmick than actual storyline Spoilers: None Author Notes: Ok, if you have ever wondered what fanfiction would look like if it were written by a muppet, wonder no more. But first some Beaker tidbits, according to the X-files In-joke website (http://www.nashville.com/~subterfuge/xfiljoke.html) talitha cumi is aramaic for 'little girl rise' and was spoken by Jesus as he brought a young child back to life. An oubliette is a form of dudgeon and the word is French for "a place of forgetting". Just in case you didn't know, Deep Throat really is a porn flick and is considered to be a classic of sorts. One final Beaker tidbit, I borrowed the Flying Pig Bar and Grill from my hometown. After writing this story I returned it, only slightly the worse for wear. Acknowledgement: Want to thank Jen for suggesting that I pass this on for mass consumption. Of course, this means she gets blamed if things go wrong. ;-) The Beginning The town of Aubrey, NV 4:50 pm Flying Pig Bar and Grill Scully stared out the window of the blue Ford Taurus at the bar's sign as the car pulled into the parking lot. She raised a skeptical eyebrow at the cheerful blue pig with neon wings, "Please tell me that we are not eating here Mulder." "Go with it Scully, I hear they have the best barbeque west of the Rockies. Besides, you're always complaining that you're tired of eating at diners and I figured that we haven't had ribs since the Red Museum case so this will be a nice change of pace." "Mulder, I've been hinting that I want to eat at a REAL restaraunt and this," waving a hand in the general direction of the obnoxious winged hog, "is not it. And just to let you know, the reason that we haven't had barbeque since Red Museum is because it gave me a serious case of heartburn and I was sleepless for the next 2 nights. Never again, Mulder" Mulder tried to give Scully his puppy dog look. "Oh, no you don't, Mulder. I could be home right now curled up on the couch reading Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space' or watching War of the Coprophrages, which, for your information, is my favorite B-movie of all time. Instead I find myself on this delightful little detour through the middle of Nevada. Now, I've already sacrificed a weekend to drive out here with you and there is no way I'm sacrificing stomach lining, too." Mulder grinned, picked up her hand and held it to his heart and said, "Did I ever tell you're irresistible when talk grotesque, Scully?" "Muullldddeeer, do you know what you're holding onto right now?" Scully tried to put the best warning tone in her voice, but wasn't quite successful. "What, Scully?" "Die hand, die verletzt." "Scully, you're going to have to clue me in here, the only word I know in German is 'unruhe'" "It means, 'the hand that wounds', so I'd advise dropping it." Mulder decided not to push his luck and let her hand go. "Speaking of cinematic classic, do you realize what I sacrificed to get here? I had to give Frohike my Deep Throat video for the security codes to Area 51. But it'll be worth it because it's Area 51, Scully, shangri-la, dreamland. Home of EBE's, little green men, and Elvis clones. Where else can you see farm boys from Iowa pilot crafts from outer space?" "Mulder, to quote a wise man in The Christmas Carol....bah, humbug. I just don't feel the same awe for a secret base in the middle of the desert. "Trust me, Scully, this will be a religious experience, after only a few minutes there you'll feel as if you been shown a revelation. You'll feel born again, young at heart, yadda, yadda, yadda." "It's your religious experience, Mulder. I'm just along for the ride and I think it's only fair that I get to choose where we eat this time around." "Fine, but can we at least use the facilities in this joint, my bladder is about to explode." "Now who's sweet talking who, Mulder?" They took longer than expected in the bar. Much to Scully's amusement, a woman named Emily, who could have been either 35 or 70, it was hard to tell underneath the bleached hair and piles of makeup, latched onto Mulder in a drunken stupor thinking he was her boyfriend, Max. When they finally escaped the bar they were shocked at what they found outside. The parking spot that had once contained a blue Ford Taurus now held a metal skeleton resting on cinder blocks. The only way they could tell that there had once been a fully functional engine were the the red and the black wires that hung limply in the engine compartment. Drops of oil lead like a trail of blood to where the bandits had obviously loaded their ill gotten booty onto their get away vehicle. Scully's ice blue eyes seem to glow with an inner fire and her fists were clenched. In her mind's eye she was squeezing some punk's neck until his eyes bulged and then bludgeoning his body into random shapes. Oh yeah, she was looking forward to turning this town into a sanguinarium. She took one breath, held it, and then slowly released it. She unclenched her fists and when she finally spoke her voice was controlled, "Please tell me this a folie a deux, Mulder" "Well, round up the usual suspects, Scully, I think somebody doesn't want us at Area 51." "Mulder, with you involved, I'd be more successful if I rounded up the unusual suspects." Mulder gamely walked to where their car lay in its final repose, spread his hands, and in his best miracle man voice said, "talitha cumi!" "Mulder, you're not Jesus and Ford does not make a Lazarus model, so I'm not holding my breath that this car is going to made a miraculous redux." "Maybe I can be a post-modern Prometheus and fashion a Corvette from clay." "Mulddeeerrrr" The warning tone had made a return appearance to her voice. "Don't worry Scully, I'll call my auto club and they'll arrange to get us a new car." Scully stared at the lengthening shadows, "Tell them to get one before darkness falls because I don't want to spend the night in this little oubliette posing as a town." Mulder already had his phone pressed against his ear, "Well, I'm sure your driver will be able to figure out which car is ours.....it was once a Blue Ford Taurus......uh, '97........Nevada plates DPO 713....ok, thanks." Mulder closed his cell phone, "They're sending a guy named Roland to pick us up. Apparently the fair town of Aubrey is on the eve of some big festival and all the shops closed early today. He'll have to take us to the next town where we'll be able to rent another car." "Hope this doesn't cost you too much, Mulder." "It's small potatoes, Scully. My bank account will survive." They leaned against the remains of their car waiting for their ride. Mulder, never one to stay still for long, began to fidget. Scully, never one to tolerate fidgeting for long, gave him her best glare and said "Muuuulllldderrr." She was getting to practice her warning tone a lot. Mulder managed to stay still for exactly 3 minutes before he started to sing under his breath, "Dem bones, dem bones, dem fresh bones." "Mulder, that's not how the song goes." "I can't remember the words. Maybe you can serenade me with some Three Dog Night, Scully." "First of all Mulder, you're the guy who remembers everything, second of all, pigs will fly before I ever sing to you again." Mulder grinned and gestured to the restaraunt sign. Scully grimaced and briefly considered pulling her service weapon and shooting the beaming boar, she just wasn't sure if that meant aiming at the pig or Mulder. "How about this one then," Mulder began to croon "Somewhere Beyond the Sea." Scully had just reached the decision that it was definitely Mulder who needed to be shot, when a tow truck with Jersey Devil stickers in the window and 'Jim's A-1 Tow and Repair' printed on the door, pulled up. A short, pretty Japanese woman wearing a letterman's jacket with 'Fighting Anasazi' stitched on the back, stepped out. She shook their hands and introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Roland and I'll be your chauffer this evening." Mulder and Scully gaped at this apparent genderbender. Mulder cleared his throat, "oh, when they said Roland, I expected......" Roland shrugged and finished for him, "a guy? Happens all the time. I'm nisei. You know, a first generation Japanese American, and my father didn't know English very well when I was born. He just picked the first name he liked. I'd really like to change my name to Piper Maru, but his feelings would be hurt." She noticed their car for the first time and whistled softly, "Gotta give them credit, they're thorough." Scully asked, "So does this happens often? I'd expect something like this in New York, but not in a town this size." Roland grinned, "Yeah, the town of Aubrey is a horrible host to travelers. As you can see, in our town, we've taken stealing hubcaps to the next level. We have a small gang problem here and I suspect it's either the Calusari or the Demons stripping down car and then probably selling the parts in California. Anyway, your chariot awaits." Tempus fugit......... Thirty minutes later they pulled up to Leonard Bett's Rentals. While Scully headed up the walk to rent a car, Mulder fished around his pockets for a tip for Roland. All he could find was a paperclip. "I'm sorry, I don't have any cash." Roland waved him off, "Hell, money is overrated. I hope you folks have a nice weekend." The End -------------------------------------------- Ok, so it's highly improbable that a group of teenagers could have loaded a car engine onto a truck in about 15-30 minutes, but I'm allowed my creative license. After all, I paid the man on the street corner $50 for it. No animals were harmed in the making of this fanfic, but Beaker's stunt double did develop carpal tunnel. Titles I used: Pilot Deep Throat Squeeze Jersey Devil Shadows Ice Space Eve Fire Beyond the Sea Genderbender Lazarus Young at Heart EBE Miracle Man Shapes Darkness Falls Born Again Roland Little Green Men The Host Blood Sleepless 3 One Breath Red Museum Aubrey Irresistible Die Hand Die Verletzt Fresh Bones Humbug The Calusari Our Town Anasazi Paper Clip DPO Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose (kinda) The Walk Oubliette Nisei 731 Revelations War of the Coprophages Grotesque Piper Maru Hell Money Jose Chung's From Outer Space Talitha Cumi Unruhe Home Sanguinarium Max Tempus Fugit Never Again Leonard Betts Small Potatoes Demons Unusual Suspects Redux Detour Christmas Carol Emily Post Modern Prometheus The Red and The Black Travelers Mind's Eye Folie a Deux The End The Beginning Drive Dreamland