Date sent: Thu, 20 Nov 97 22:50:07 UT From: "Yvonne Richards" Subject: 1/1 Pt III I WAS LOST TONIGHT - "For Time to Begin" by Yvonne J Richards DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the Fox Network. They also belong to Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny, without whom, they would have life, but no soul. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters bear no resemblance to anyone either living or dead. No financial gain is made from this writing. ARCHIVE ANYWHERE except ATXC ON THESE CONDITIONS 1. I REMAIN AS AUTHOR along with my e-mail addy 2. MY DISCLAIMER AND LOGLINE REMAIN WITH THE STORY 3. YOU LET ME KNOW WHERE IT'S GOING FOR TIME TO BEGIN (1/1) Yvonne J Richards Yvonne-Richards@classic.msn.com Set during Redux II SPOILER FOR SEASON 5 RATING - G CONTENT WARNING - ANGST CLASSIFICATION - V with A and MSR feelings Scully reads a letter that Mulder wrote This is a companion piece to "I was Lost Tonight" and "For Time to Begin" but all are standalone pieces. BUT if you do want to read them all they should be read in this order I WAS LOST TONIGHT IF I COULD FREEZE TIME FOR TIME TO BEGIN Thanks, as ever, to Gerry Hill. ***************************** S P O I L E R S P A C E *********************** FOR TIME TO BEGIN by Yvonne J Richards 21st November 1997 A nurse enters my room, looking a little flushed. She hands me a sheaf of papers and a battered photograph. "I think the young man who was visiting you dropped these." "Where did you find them?" I ask her. She colors a little more and looks at her feet. "They were in the trash can actually, but I saw him drop the photograph in and I thought --- well --- perhaps he was upset. He looked upset. He'll probably regret throwing them away." I thank her. I scan the photograph and know instantly whose blood it is spattered over these childhood memories. Both physically and metaphorically. Mulder must have felt so betrayed and lost to have thrown away this picture. After all, it's a moment in time, encapsulated, frozen. I wonder if that was what he was thinking - if he could have frozen time? Folded pages of legal pad containing Mulder's scripted writing, holding his thoughts and fears. I know that I shouldn't read them but I feel compelled. I want to know more of the heart of this man. This man who truly loves me more than himself and even life itself. Today he has been so attentive to me. I could see the restraint in his eyes. The need to bundle me up and cry with me, for me. Deep hazel pools fixing me in that warm, deepening whirlpool of concern for me. His face when he told me he was lost. As if I didn't know that anyway. Does he think I'd let go of him. Of course he does, he thought I was dying didn't he? It wouldn't have been an intentional loosening of the tethers but a loosening nonetheless. How I wish I could heal him. My heart skips a beat on reading the first line. It is the first line of my own journal that I began that night in Allentown. The one he read when he got scared and the one that I said I'd throw away. But I never did. Did he remember that line or did he feel like I did then? A clarity of vision, a knowledge that things could never be the same again. That this was a turning point and every fiber of my being was on red alert to it. I cannot begin to imagine his immense sorrow at having to let go of Samantha, again. To know that CancerMan was her father, perhaps his. Perhaps he doesn't want to believe or cannot believe. I can only think that this is another lie perpetuated to torture the poor man. As if he hasn't suffered enough. I only know that it must have broken his heart to see her and let her go again. If it was her? Trust no one runs through my mind like a mantra. Does Mulder hold on to this now as though Samantha were who she really purports to be? How will this have affected him emotionally? He says he was lost, I know that. He came to me to find some semblance in his life that is tossed on stormy seas. Thank God he has someone to come to. That was possibly my greatest fear in dying, that he would have no safe harbour, no respite from the storm. No light to steer his course towards when he lost all bearings. I thank God that he has given me a little more time to look out for him. Tears well up in my eyes as I read how he believes I will heal him. Not because I won't or I can't. Just that he believes that I will. He believes in me as I believe in him. Together the truth will save us. It will save us for each other. I ache in the loneliness I find in these words, words crafted from such pain and sorrow. Guilt and atonement foisted upon an innocent child. A child made to believe he was responsible for the heinous crimes of those adults whom he looked up to, trusted, respected. The foundations of all loving relationships kicked out from underneath a beautiful child. And that beautiful child became a beautiful man. I pray too that Samantha will unlock him, release him and let me heal him. I feel him close, I need him close. "Scully?" "Mulder, I didn't hear you come in. I was just ---" "I know. I came back to look for them. I regretted throwing them away." "The nurse thought you would, that's why she brought them to me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have looked." The eyes rivet me with their gaze, love and compassion overflowing from them but unable to find its way out in any other way. I feel him touch my fingers. "I feel these words as if their meaning were a weight being lifted from me. Knowing that you will read them and share my burden as I have come to trust no other. That you should know my heart, look into it, finding there the memory and experience that belong to you, that are you." My lower lip trembles as I fight to regain some modicum of composure at the sound of my own words. His eidetic memory has served him well. And yet I know that he has not repeated them to me rote fashion. His eyes tell me he truly believes what he says to me. I feel his fingers curl around my own, exerting a pressure that speaks volumes. That shouts his love for me from the rooftops although he cannot yet find the words to tell me. "The truth will save us Mulder. Each for the other." He takes my hand and presses his lips against my palm, closing his eyes briefly. Oh Sam, give me the key. Let me unlock him, show him how much he's loved. Show him how much love he has to give. "Dana?" I cup his cheek in silent response. "Dana, I --- " He bows his head, unable to meet my gaze. "Mulder?" He grips my hand again, his silence conveying more than any words could. If his thoughts could speak. But they do speak. To me. I see the turmoil in him. The inner struggle of guilt versus happiness. The endearing shyness of a man so strong in other ways but incapable of verbally expressing what's in his heart. The fear of lost happiness should he venture to accept it from someone. I see him struggle to speak, to know what to say that says nothing but everything. Eventually the words come from a dry, choked throat. "The remission, will it ---?" "Only time will tell Mulder." "If I could freeze time Dana." "I know." I know I mean everything to him. And I will wait for him. However long it takes, I'll never leave or abandon him. I'll always be beside him. Waiting for the click of the lock, the tumblers to fall. For the thaw. For time to begin. THE END "A beautiful and ineffectual angel, beating in the void his luminous wings in vain." From 'Shelley' by Matthew Arnold Doesn't that just sum up Mulder's quest beautifully? Thank you for reading thus far. Any comments to Yvonne_Richards@classic.msn.com If you enjoyed this and want more, my other stories are archived on Gossamer and this and future stories are also available on XFCreative and XFF. Adrift - Poem A Desperate Search - Poem Believe the Lie 1/1 Bring Him Home 1/1 Butterfly Kisses 1/1 Casting Out Demons 1/3 Do I Have a Choice Mulder? 1/1 For Time to Begin 1/1 Ghosts 1/5 Her Last Gift 1/1 I was Lost Tonight 1/1 If I could Freeze Time 1/1 La rechechre du temps perdu 1/8 (The Remembrance of Things Past) Lean on Me 1/1 Only on My Own 1/1 Silence of the Lamb 1/1 The Long Hard Road 1/1 The Unspoken Truth 1/5 Through Your Eyes 1/5 Twister 1/1 Who'll Stand Up for Me Now? 1/1