From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 17:24:06 -0500
Subject: For You by Mary S
Source: direct

Reply To: danascully37@hotmail.com


Classification: Slight MS Romance
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me
Summary: Post The Beginning



For you



After everything that had happened, he couldn't believe that she was actually 
leaving.  But why should she stay?  They were officially off the X-files.  Yet 
again.  And this time the files were still open.  But did they give him his 
passion?   Mulder snorted.  No, they gave his life's work over to that jerk-off 
Spender and DIANA of all people.  He still couldn't figure that one out.  Where 
the hell had she come from anyway? He wondered.  And why oh why did he keep 
defending her to Scully.  Scully who had always stuck by him.  Until now 
anyway.  He pounded his fist on the bar and the glasses shook from the impact.  
Why was he here?  Oh, yeah.  He was attempting suicide via cirrhosis of the 
liver.  It would probably take years and he would get bloated and yellow in the 
process.  Very attractive, Fox old boy.  Jeez.  It was time to get out of 
there.  Time to go to his apartment and pass out on his couch.  He paid the 
barkeep and meandered outside to hail a cab.  His mind drifted back to another 
time that he was drunk at this very same bar.  Where he met a man who started 
him on a journey towards the truth.  A journey that almost cost Scully her 
life. Again.  Scully.  She was his life.  And now, thanks to his incredible 
density, his life was walking out on him.   And just when he finally realized 
how much she meant to him.  His thoughts returned to the scene from that 
afternoon....
     She had given him the file on Gibson the day before.  He had it with him 
but he hadn't really looked it over.  He was still too caught up in his own 
self-pity.  So he sat there trying to piece together more of the burned up 
files that he had swiped.  It was beginning to get VERY tedious.
Scully had come in, and informed him that A.D. Kersh wanted them to do more 
background checks.  On who or what, he didn't care about in the slightest.  It 
was scut work.  Dirty work.  He'd been there before, oh yes.  When the X-files 
were closed the first time.  But this time it was worse.
He had noticed that Scully had had a weird expression on her lovely face.
     "What's the matter with you, Scully?" he had asked her.
     "I'm wondering if any of this is worth it." 
     "Well, you still have me Scully.  Such as I am.  And I have my boosted 
files." He smiled.
  Her answering smile was little more than a grimace.
     "Your "boosted files" aren't going to get you very far, Mulder.  And as 
for having you, well...that's something different."
     He had looked at her questioningly, but then she changed the subject.
     "I came here to tell you something, so I might as well tell you.  I'm 
leaving, Mulder.  For real this time.  I just can't take it anymore."
     His heart had plummeted.  "I, uh, I thought you told me that If we quit 
now they win?  What's changed since then?" he had wanted to know.
  "I can't do it anymore, Mulder.  Not even for you.  I can't watch you torture 
yourself.  And I can't accept that we have been replaced.  By people who don't 
care the same as we do about the work.  And I can't wait around for some fluke 
to happen that might put us back where we belong. But most of all, after 
everything I've been through, that WE"VE been through, nothing has changed.  
Except how I feel.  And that is tired.  Tired of all the BS from our superiors, 
and tired of being taken for granted.  Goodbye Mulder.  And don't try to stop 
me."...
     And he hadn't.  He had just stood there with his mouth open as she walked 
out.  Yeah, real cool.  He thought about all the times that he had just 
expected her to be there.  And all the times he had treated her like she was 
the enemy.  Like she didn't know anything.  Last week, when she had repeated 
the words he had spoken to her in his hallway, right before that stupid bee had 
ruined everything, he was completely shut off to her.  She had grabbed his hand 
and he just let it hang there.  Returned no reassuring squeeze to let her know 
he agreed.  No, he had just said that her science was wrong.  Basically said 
SHE was wrong, and he was right as usual.  What a moron he was, if he thought 
anyone would put up with that kind of behavior.  But she always had in the 
past.  He recklessly assumed she would in the future.  And then he got 
defensive about Diana.   Like he even really cared about her.  He didn't really 
think Diana had a secret agenda, but then, he hadn't seen her in awhile.  He 
knew Scully wasn't fond of her.  And he just had to go and say all that stuff 
about her being on their side and how he knew her and blah blah blah.
     The cab came and he climbed in, exhausted and heartsick.  "Arlington 
please", he told the driver, and settled back against the cracked vinyl seat 
and closed his eyes.

     After the cab dropped him off he staggered into the elevator and rode up 
to his floor.  He lingered by his door for a minute, remembering how he had 
almost kissed Scully after he had told her what she had meant to him.  And then 
the bee stung her and everything went to hell.  He sighed.  He'd probably never 
get another chance now.  And it was his own fault.  He felt like crying as he 
pushed open his door.  He sought comfort, but there was none, and no one to 
give it to him.  The tears flowing freely now, he flopped on the couch and 
proceeded to cry himself asleep.

And as he slept, Mulder dreamed that Scully was lost again, on the alien ship.  
He looked everywhere, but he couldn't find her.  He was filled with such loss 
that he yelled her name out loud.  "Scully!  Please don't leave me!" he sobbed.  
"Please don't leave me", he whispered this time.
     And then suddenly she was there.  He shook himself; certain it was all 
still a dream.  His eyes strained in the dark to see her face.  
     "Scully", he breathed.  His hand reached out to caress her face, and he 
found it wet with tears.
     "Mulder, I came back to return your key." She put her hand on his lips to 
silence his protest.  "But seeing you lying here, hearing you...I had to stay 
until you were awake."
     "Scully", he said struggling to sit up, "you can't do it.  I won't let 
you.  I...need you here with me."
  "Mulder, what's the point?  You don't need me.  I've only held you back." She 
was surprised to here herself repeating what she had said to him that fateful 
day.
     "Scully", he sounded pained.  "Don't start that again.  I told you that 
you saved me.  And I know that I dismissed it the other day at that house.  But 
it was true then and it's true now.  Can't you just stay?  For me?" He said 
sadly.
     Scully smiled wistfully.
     "For you, Mulder?  All these years, everything has been for you.  Don't 
you know that by now?"
     His shocked silence was the only answer.
     "No, Mulder.  Not even for you.  No matter how much it hurts.  I have to 
do this.  For me." She bit her lip hard.  She had to be strong, or she would 
never get through this.  
     Mulder felt like he couldn't breathe.  Tell her, you idiot!  Before it's 
too late and she's gone forever. His thoughts were screaming at him to do 
something.
     "Scully, I...", he faltered.  Say it now! His mind yelled.  "Before you go, 
I have to tell you something.  I...love you." He bowed his head.
     Scully's breath caught in her throat.  She wasn't expecting THAT.  She 
broke down and started to cry.  This was going to be much tougher than she 
thought.
     "Mulder, I love you, too.  But don't you see?  I still have to go."
     "No!  I don't see!  Why can't you stay?  Why can't we be together?  If not 
in the X-files, then just together anyway.  My life is nothing without you." He 
was pacing in his dark apartment.
     "Mulder if I don't go now, I'll never leave. "  She walked over to where 
he was standing and put her hands on his shoulders to still him.  She could see 
the moonlight shining on his eyes, his tears.  And as they gazed at one 
another, it was as if all the years they had shared together passed between 
them.  Mulder put his hands on either side of her face and gently kissed her 
goodbye through their tears.  Then she put her arms around him, hugged him for 
the last time, turned around and walked out the door.
     An hour later, he was sitting on his couch, staring off into his past.  
His past with her.  
     There was a knock on the door, and he numbly got up to answer it.
   
And there she stood on his doorstep.  Still crying, but with a small smile she 
said to him, "Had you big time."
     He stood there shocked for a moment, and then came to his senses.  
     "Get in here, Scully."  And he grabbed her hand and pulled her inside.  As 
the door shut, they were holding each other tightly.  Whatever the future 
brought, they would face it together.
                                                  The End