From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 12:13:27 -0500
Subject: NEW - Forgive Me (1,1) by Danamaru
Source: direct

Reply To: Danamaru1@yahoo.co.uk


Author:  Danamaru

Title:  Forgive me 

Rating: PG-13, verging on a R for minor cursing.   

Disclaimer:  They are not mine, I love writing but I could never 
have created characters such as these two.  Don't worry Chris, 
you should be honoured that we all want to borrow a little part 
of your masterpiece.  

Category:  MSR

Spoilers:  Post En Ami and everything before it.  I know it's a 
late one, but living in the sticks here in Scotland, we are not 
as fortunate as the US and have just seen En Ami as of June 25th 
2000.  

Feeback:  Yes please!  Good, bad, indifferent.  Go for it at Danamaru1@yahoo.co.uk

Website:  Catch my other stories at 
http://www.angelfire.com/hi2/badblood/

Summary: What was going through Mulder and Scully's minds as they 
waited for the disk to load.

Mulder's Apartment 

As we both waited to see what was on the minidisk, I felt her eyes 
on me, looking for a sign on my face, a friendly sign.  I couldn't 
look at her, as much as I wanted to ask her why, I still felt like 
she had betrayed me.  I was angry, not just for the lies but that 
she could've been killed and there would've been nothing that I 
could have done about it.  There is no doubt in my mind that good 
old Smokey used her to get what he wanted, it's his style.  Make 
her believe that she could hold the cure for human life, make her 
believe in him and she would be putty in his hands.  

I never received any tape.  Nor any sign that she had recorded her 
conversations, only her word, and with that I should be able to 
accept with open arms.  But I can't.  

I know I have done things in the past that I haven't included her 
in and yes I am probably being hypocritical but only because I 
care about her.  She's my partner and best friend and I don't 
understand after everything she has learned about this 
black-lunged son of a bitch, how she could just up and leave 
with him on simple trust.  

I realise that she was told more about the chip and I can't blame 
her for wanting to know about the science behind it.  That thing 
saved her life, cured her cancer and for that I am eternally 
grateful, as I'm sure she is.  What has happened to my 
collected and vigilant partner?  Must have been one hell of a 
whopper that he fed her to make her barriers crash in the space 
of a few days with a man she knows I despise.  

Approximately 2 minutes later........

We have learned that there is nothing on the CD and I know my 
face is telling her "I told you so."  Nonetheless, I am unable 
to control it.   
I've been here too many times to even get excited anymore.  
Being betrayed over and over with promises and lies allows me to 
sense what the outcome would be even before the Gunmen went to 
work.  

Seeing her surprise almost made me laugh.  How could she believe 
that he would give her anything concrete?  That man is nothing but 
a liar and a murderer and she knows it.  

I have remained in my position in the doorway since she arrived 
earlier.  I am unable to enter the room.  The tension caused by 
my distance is uncomfortable for both of us, but I am so hurt by 
her recent actions that I can't even bring myself to look 
interested.  

***

He won't look at me.  My best friend can't even look into my eyes. 
I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach.  Every 
breath I hold is being torn from me as I sit here, humiliated and 
embarrassed by his behaviour.  

He's making me feel unwanted in his home and all I want to do is 
tell him to stop.  But I can't. I want so much for the proof on 
this disk to show him why I did it. Why I would go on a trip with 
that man, why I'd lied to Mulder to get this to see for myself, 
others like me with that chip that is the key to my life.  

I know he was only concerned for my safety, but I'm back and he's 
punishing me for trying to find out the proof and closure I need 
for myself, so that I can finally understand what's ultimately 
keeping me alive.  

I am awakened from my thoughts and my gaze on Mulder as I am 
informed by Frohike that the disk is blank.  My heart is sinking 
to the pit of my stomach as I rise to see the evidence for 
myself.  It's true, I can't believe it.  There it is, staring at 
me, laughing at me, the words "Volume empty."  

I turn to look at Mulder for some kind of reassurance.  
Slowly as his eyes meet mine, they don't hold the look I'm 
hoping for.  They are cold and shrugging spelling out the words, 
"I told you so."

The Gunmen look genuinely sorry, but Mulder still looks annoyed 
and angry, chewing on his cheeks in a sulk and trying not to 
shout at me.  I have never been so embarrassed as right now and 
as strong as I am trying to be, I feel like my head is going to 
explode and I'll break down in a sorry state of emotion.  

Please forgive me.

End

The scene that I have written about above touched me somewhere.  
I felt so sorry for Scully as she sat there, waiting.  I also
Felt for Mulder as he tried his damn hardest not to look at her.
I just had to write about the feelings I perceived them to have
At that tension building moment.
Big HUGE thanks to everyone who reads this and please, tell me
What you think - Danamaru1@yahoo.co.uk