From ekarr@bowdoin.edu Sun Feb 16 22:01:04 1997 Subject: X-files Fanfic: "Forgive Me" 1/1 From: Emilie Renee Karr -------- X-files Fanfic Title: Forgive Me; 1/1 Author: Emilie Renee Karr Category: Story/Angst Rating: G Comments to: ekarr@arctos.bowdoin.edu Summary: Post-"Memento Mori;" Char death. How far will Mulder go to save Scully's life? Author's note: Yes, I know there's lots of these, but I haven't read practically any, so if it copies any others it's pure coincidence. For anyone who's read my previous fanfic (ie "Sound Minds"), I have now seen 30 episodes (yay!) and loved them all. This little number's a result of thinking about "Memento Mori" a bit too much...not watching it though; I find it too painful for now; waiting for the cancer to be cured before I memorize it. PS: I love feedback, e-mail me with any opinions about this at all! DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully, et al. belong to Chris Carter and 10- 13 productions, though if he actually does something like what happens in this fanfic I think that he should automatically forfeit all his rights to them. Just personal opinion! I swear I'm not making any serious suggestions here, or any money! And the story is copyright ME, 1997. Forgive Me Emilie Renee Karr Scully, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I had to. It worked! Oh, God, Scully, I mean what I wrote above. Except that writing that was a desperate plea, a last effort. A moment of weakness, of doubt. And even if it succeeded...well, I didn't know that I'd be able to write this. But I can. It's hard, but I'm writing it. I am sorry, I'm honest in that. But, you can forgive me. You've forgiven me for so much, Scully. For leaving you behind a thousand times, for ditching you because I wouldn't risk you. Forgive me now. I had no choice. Or rather, I did, but I exhausted all those venues. They were failures. This was my last resort. I didn't do this on the spur of the moment. I have been...it's been on my mind for weeks now. Was on my mind. Ever since you called me. Ever since I saw you in the hospital, ever since I saw those X- rays and heard you tell me that the tumor was inoperable. I couldn't accept that. I didn't accept that. I tried. I tried everything I could think of. Every other possible solution was a failure. This...this was a success. You're thinking now that I was mad. That this was just a delusion, maybe a result of denial. A final denial, denying that this was meaningless. It wasn't. I wish, I wish more than anything now, that I could give you proof. If somehow you could check the time that this was written...but if all goes to plan, you won't even read this for at least twenty-four hours. Maybe even longer. Maybe you won't know until you come to work Monday and I'm not there. Then... No, I think you might know sooner. Maybe you even know now. Sometimes you seem to. How many times have I called you, late at night, and you're awake already? Maybe you'll get a full night's sleep now. At any rate, you'll think it was before. That I wrote all this and then...I tell you now, it was after. I write this somehow, I don't even understand it fully, but I will. Everything is a lot clearer, now. In ways you can't imagine; I couldn't have, I never did. Even though I'd been here before. It's very difficult writing. I'm not even using a pen; just the ink, somehow. I'm driven, though; I always was. I had to write this. I had to tell you. I think most "spirit manifestations" are hallucinations or lies, now. I don't think I could manifest, no matter how much I want to. The effort I'm expending just writing this... If you believe me, it's worth it. Even if you don't, it was still worth it. I know you might not understand. But you will. Soon. Next time you go to the doctors. Next X-ray they take, maybe you'll understand then. When they say "spontaneous remission" or whatever other term they use to mean medical miracle. Or when you realize that you're feeling better, that you aren't so tired, that you no longer have nose bleeds. Scully, it was a bargain. I only had one chip, and no aces up my sleeve. And I didn't know it would work. But there weren't any other options. And I made the deal. It was accepted. Thank God, or Fate, or whatever was responsible, it was accepted. I didn't just head into this unprepared. I thought it out. God help me, I did weigh the consequences. I was logical, be proud of me, Scully. I used reason, this wasn't an act of passion, or emotion, or whatever it appears. I did it because...because of a lot of things. Mainly because of my last experience with this. Deep Throat almost never lied. He spoke the truth when I saw him last. When I stumbled into the abyss and they, my father and him on one side, Albert and the rest on the other, they pulled and pushed me out. Well, this time I threw myself in willingly, and it's too late for anyone to get me out. But Deep Throat that time, he told me that there was truth, but not justice. Asked me what the use is of truth, when you can't accomplish anything with it. And the answer, of course, is nothing, beyond simple satisfaction of knowledge. I'll get that satisfaction now. But the justice...that must be your work, Scully. That was why. That was why this was necessary. Because you can still find the truth, find the answers and make things right. I can't help you anymore with that. But you can do it. Me? I couldn't have. Not without you, Scully. You're stronger than me. I know this. I know you can do it alone. As I knew that I could not. If you don't believe, ask your mother. Ask her what I was like when you were gone, when you vanished and I couldn't save you. Even when you came back, I couldn't. And that was three years ago, Scully. Did you think I'd gotten less dependent? Just because I sometimes ignored you. Because sometimes I pushed you back, and sometimes I sounded as if I hated you? Forgive me for all that. Please forgive me for that, too, as well as for this. I was trying, I was trying to keep you away, to separate myself. It didn't work. I found that out, the moment you called, and I realized how short a lifetime can be. I knew then that no matter what, this is how it would end. I tried to deny that. I thought I could. I thought I could find another way, another way to fix everything, but I couldn't. And then this was the only possible finish. There was no choice in the matter, really. Believe that, Scully. If the cancer that's now dying in your body as you read this had instead made you die, then know that I would have been in this same position. It might have been the day after, or a week, or a year. So I took the path with the greatest possible reward. And I got it. I know I did. If only you'll believe... Bargaining with the devil is dangerous, because Satan always manages to find a loophole. But Death...Death has more honor. Death rarely makes bargains, so very rarely. But those made are kept. I doubt that just anyone could make such a bargain. This isn't pride; it's honesty. Not many people have walked along the brink of the abyss as many times as I had. And even fewer have been in it, the way I had. I was a dead man, then I was back. I didn't understand the Blessing Way then the way I do now. But I knew that it would help. Because I knew exactly how it felt, to be hovering directly between life and death. And I needed that memory. I used it to find the correct time. When I reached that point, I stopped myself. I wouldn't allow myself to die, I held my soul in place. I don't even know how I did it, really. I just knew that I had to. And in that twilight I made the bargain. I gave myself to Death. I gave myself as a surrogate, and I think the only reason I was accepted was that I had so many times teased with mortality. Death was anxious to have me, I think. So anxious that to guarantee possession that another soul was allowed to slip away. Remembering, looking over this...Deep Throat was right. Time is absent now. It feels as if it was a lifetime ago that the words at top were written. It was less than an hour ago, I think. Less than an hour ago I could still feel, I could feel the cold metal against my skull. I'm sorry for that too, for the manner I did it. If it means anything it didn't hurt very much. I expected more pain, actually. There was a brightness before I even heard the gunshot, and then I caught myself in that brightness. If I had just allowed myself to leave it wouldn't have hurt at all, but I had to make the bargain. Which took no time, or an eternity. I guess I could have done it cleaner. If I still had a stomach, it would probably be churning now, looking over my handiwork. I hope they cover the body, or move it, by the time you get here. I tend to doubt it, though. Again, I apologize. It's good your stomach is stronger, too. I'm not being cavalier. I'm trying in some way to make you smile. I don't know what you'll be feeling as you read this. Will you be crying? I wish I knew. I know that I would have cried, if I read this and your hand signed this, but you are not me. And I can't cry now, anyway. I don't want you to join me. Despite what I would have done. I don't think you will. I hope that I know you that well. I think you'll be able to go on. I don't want you to cry. I want you to be happy. If you have to forget me...I don't want to be forgotten, Scully. It's said that's how something is truly dead, if it's forgotten. I don't know if that's true, but I still have pride, somehow. Something that wants remembrance. But, Scully, if to live normally, if to live happily, I can't be part of you...then forget me. I beg you to. I want you to find the truth. I want you to find my sister and tell her I wanted to find her...I can find her now, but it won't help her. I want you to find out all the lies and expose them. But I want your happiness, I want you to live, even more than I want all that. If after reading this you burn it, if you think it was all a trick or a delusion and you forget everything I've said, it doesn't matter. Because the cancer's already dying, your life is already returned to you. That is enough for me. This has become more and more difficult. I'm cheating Death in some small way. Not in the biggest way, not the way I did before. That was why I used the method I did: so Death would know that I would not, could not renege on my side of the bargain. But now, staying here to write this...can't do it for much longer now. If I still had lungs, I'd be gasping now. As it is I feel drained... Tell my mother I'm sorry, too. Maybe it's the cruelest thing I've ever done, to abandon her. Show her this letter, if you keep it. Explain that I had no choice. I hope she will understand. My will has probably already been found. If not--it's in my right jeans pocket. I've checked; no blood got on it. Perfectly legible. Most goes to you, Frohike does get the videos, Langly and Byers get a few other items. It wasn't signed with any witnesses because I couldn't tell anyone what I was planning. If I had you would have found out, and somehow you would have stopped me, until it was too late and you weren't around to stop me anymore. I'm going to stay here as long as I can. I'm going to stay until I see you, see you read this, see your response. If I can...I'll do something. I'll manage it somehow. If wind ruffles your hair, or touches your cheek...one last time... Please, Scully, please keep on searching. Find the truths out there, find my sister, not for me, for justice's sake, for truth's sake. You're the only one that can, now. Sometime, at last, we'll find truths together again. But not now. Not for a long time. I wait willingly. Don't hurry, Dana. Please. (signed) Fox Mulder