From rfarwell@foxnet.net Sun Sep 29 15:31:00 1996 Return-Path: rfarwell@foxnet.net Received: from insanity.foxnet.net (insanity.foxnet.net [204.138.179.6]) by sh1.ro.com (8.7.6/8.6.9) with SMTP id PAA08815 for ; Sun, 29 Sep 1996 15:30:14 -0500 Received: from newnut.foxnet.net ([204.138.179.5]) by insanity.foxnet.net with smtp (ident root using rfc1413) id (Debian /\oo/\ Smail3.1.29.1 #29.37); Sun, 29 Sep 96 16:30 EDT Received: from dyn20.foxnet.net ([204.138.181.220]) by newnut.foxnet.net with smtp (ident moon using rfc1413) id m0v7SWY-000Eu9C (Debian /\oo/\ Smail3.1.29.1 #29.37); Sun, 29 Sep 96 16:31 EDT Message-Id: Date: Sun, 29 Sep 96 16:31 EDT X-Sender: rfarwell@mail.foxnet.net X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 2.1.2 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" To: kelsy@ro.com From: Jenn Farwell (by way of Jenn Farwell ) Subject: Forgiveness X-UIDL: 157cbe3d115e13c68ffafd0230c6a9b7 SUMMARY: SA, takes place after 'Syzygy'. The real reason behind Mulder and Scully's 'rift' is discovered, as both try to forgive, and heal. This is a continuation of sorts, of "Syzygy". (Geez, took me long enough, now didn't it? :) The scene which truly inspired it is where Scully appears... well, moody and jealous, and Mulder seems to know it. But instead of dealing with it, things are left unsaid. (The hallway scene - you know, the perfume? ) That, to me, was the biggest WHAM. Eeek! For those who aren't familiar with FoLC (gonna kill me yet?;) acronyms, WHAM stands for "Wistful, Heartwrenching, Agonizing Moment". At any rate, believe it or not, this *isn't* a romance! Surprise! It deals with an aspect of Mulder and Scully's relationship which I find to be truly lacking as of late, and that is friendship. So, like I said, no romance. Maybe some UST...? A larger-than-life thanks to my "twin", Kelly Feenstra. Sis, thanks for being there, even if we can't be in the same country. Well, I hope you know what I mean. You've taught me a lot about friendship in the nine months I've known you (well, known you really well. In the year since I've met you :), yet never got to hug you IRL. It'll stay with me the rest of my life. This one's for you, Kell... Oh yes, now the fun part! The disclaimer! (I can see everyone's eyes lighting up with joy). Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and the memory of Melissa Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, FOX, and no matter how many times I use them, not me. They are used without permish, but please don't sue me. Though, if you did, all you'd get is a drawer full of discarded fanfic ideas, for which I could further be sued... and after that, a Barney colouring book and glitter crayons, which were a gag gift from a friend to annoy my mom, Christmas of '93. :) The song, "With Or Without You" belongs to U2, and is from "The Joshua Tree" recording, also used here without permish, hoping they won't mind. See the stone set in your eyes See the thorn twist in your side I wait for you Sleight of hand and twist of fate On a bed of nails she makes me wait And I wait...without you With or without you With or without you Through the storm we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you And you give yourself away And you give yourself away And you give And you give And you give yourself away My hands are tied My body bruised, she's got me with Nothing left to win And nothing else to lose With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you --With or Without You, by U2, from "The Joshua Tree" FORGIVENESS by Jennifer Farwell (rfarwell@foxnet.net) *"Sure. Fine. Whatever."* The words echoed 'round through Mulder's head. They were so cold... so detached. So un-Scully. Well, so un-old-Scully. Yet another sign that their relationship had changed, and there was no denying it. The woman who sat beside him in the driver's seat was not the same person she had once been. She'd changed. He'd changed. The world had changed. It was more than just planetary alignment... it was life. It was hurt, and it was pain. There had been sorrow, and there had been tears. There was fear that was kept inside. Fear could make you crazy, and fear could wear you down. Mulder wondered how much fear Scully had lived in, since the death of her sister, Melissa. That was really when the change had started. He'd wanted to be there for her, to comfort her when she'd break down. But she never did break down, really, at least not on the outside. All the time, it was, "I'm fine", but she wasn't. Well, sure. Fine. Whatever. She never wa nted to talk about it. Or maybe he didn't want to hear. Both had lost so much in the past couple of years, that there was nothing to even out the scales. Life as they knew it had gone spiraling down, and there was no way out. Waiting to hit bottom. Waiting for the fall. Scully put the pedal to the metal, in frustration. *"Sure. Fine. Whatever."* Was he making fun of her? He certainly hadn't had any regrets over that height comment, while mooning over Detective White. And he'd certainly not cared a bit over all the worrying she had done over him, when he was just lusting over Bambi. Typical male. She'd thought he was different. He used to be her best friend. In the past few months, however... Scully snorted. Mulder looked over. "Something wrong?" he asked, emotionless. He didn't know what tone to use with her, anymore. She was so unreachable... so sensitive. So far away. "No." Nothing more, nothing less. But wait... "I'm fine." Mulder clenched his fists. Not that again. *If I had a dollar for every time she said that...* He shrugged. "Sure. Fine. Whatever." Anger pierced through Dana Scully. *He _is_ making fun of me!* She rounder a corner sharply, causing Mulder to nearly slam into the passenger side door. As he made a little yelp, she warned him, "Stop mocking me." "What? I am not 'mocking' you," he replied bitterly, in the same tone he'd used to proclaim that he wasn't "ditching" her, the previous day in the high school gym. "Oh really?" she challenged. not lifting her eyes from the road. Her tone became cool. "Sure--" "Fine. Whatever," he finished with her. She glared at him, but that didn't stop another remark. "I swear, Scully, that's become your new favourite saying, besides 'I'm fine'." "What the hell are you talking about?" she growled. "Miss your precious Detective White so much that you have to lay into me?" She approached a stop sign. *Why do they put stop signs in the middle of Nowheresville?* she puzzled, whizzing through the intersection. "Okay, that's it! I'm driving." "Like hell you are. I'm not about to pull ov--" He jerked the steering wheel away from her, expertly pulled over to the shoulder of the road, and turned off the ignition. "I'm not about to be delayed in getting home by getting some traffic violation ticket, just because you have a chip on your shoulder about God-knows-what. Now get out of the car, and switch sides with me, Day-nah!" She wanted to slap him, she really did, with the way he'd just used her name. Well, she was tired anyway, though she'd never admit that to _him_. Opening the car door, she couldn't help but put in one more biting remark. "Why are you in such a hurry to get home? Got a porno video that just can't wait?" They switched sides, accidentally brushing together on the way around. "You're lucky I'm not leaving you here," he muttered, getting inside the driver's side. "Excuse me?" Scully said, putting on her seat belt. "You're lucky I didn't fly back to DC when I said I was going to!" "Maybe we'd have been better off if you did." Silence. A few moments later, quietly, almost in a hiss. "Look, _Fox_, I don't know what your problem is, but--" "My problem?" He was about ready to explode. Here she was, with these walls around herself, then daring to call him Fox, and she wanted to know what _his_ problem was? "You really don't get it, do you?" "Oh, I think I get it all right. It's been so long since you've had a member of the opposite sex in bed, that you're going after every available woman on our cases, leaving me to do the actual work, or sometimes you just ditch me altogether." "Are you still on that?! Look, there was nothing between myself and Detective White--" "Except the clothes that you were trying to rip off of each other," she reminded him, with a sour expression. "Dammit, Scully, do the words 'let it go' mean anything to you?!" Mulder was almost yelling. He saw a tiny flicker of hurt flash across her face, then vanish as her expression set to stone. He took a calming breath, and scolded himself. Jesus, why had he done that? How was it she could infuriate him so much, and cause his temper to flare up this way? It scared him, almost as much as the anger and coldness which radiated back from her. Hot and cold. So distant from each other, yet so close. He dreaded her retort. Each one stung a little more, cut a little deeper. Any more, and would the wounds ever be able to heal? He waited, holding his breath. She didn't speak. His mind whirled. *This isn't right. Not matter how much she's changed, she always matches me with a strong comeback. Where is it? Talk, Dana, please...* Still, her voice remained silent. Unable to stop himself, he looked over. In the deep twilight, her flame-kissed hair was hardly coloured, and her face was a mere shadowy silhouette. The pale light shone on lonely teardrops, rolling silently down her cheek. Oh, God, how he wanted to reach over and brush them away. He honestly didn't want to hurt her. Really, all Mulder wanted to do was protect Dana Katherine Scully. *Good job.* They couldn't go on like this. They couldn't keep blaming each other for the insignificant things that piled up, day after day. They couldn't keep weighing them down. Somewhere, in there, they had to forgive and start over, one day at a time. Turning the steering wheel, he slowed to a halt on the side of the road. "What are you doing?" Scully's voice was strained. Another cut to the heart. He had his elbows against the wheel, head in hands. "Scul-- Dana. We need to talk." He looked at her, but she avoided meeting his gaze. "We can't go on like this... you have to know that." "Sure. Fine. Whatever." "Would you _please_ stop saying that?" Mulder pleaded, not wanting this to end up where it always had before. Her tone was sharp. "Who are you to tell me what to do?" She sighed. "If you're planning to just argue--" "I am _not_ arguing!" he protested. She ignored him. "--and belittle me, I don't want to hear it. Just drive." He gave up, and pulled onto the road once more. They travelled for half an hour in silence, until Mulder could take no more. "Dana, I'm sorry..." There was no reply. He turned his head to look at her, only to discover she'd fallen asleep. A tear streamed down his face. The drop of salty liquid fell alone, in the night time desolation. About an hour later, dead tired, Mulder pulled up outside Scully's apartment building. He looked over at his partner, peacefully sleeping. Peaceful. That hadn't been a term he'd use to describe her as, lately, yet when she was asleep, there was something so innocent there. The guarded expression faded, and was replaced by an almost serene, tiny smile. He hated to wake her. Gently shaking her shoulder, he quietly spoke her name. "Scully. Wake up..." Not opening her eyes, she swatted at his hand and mumbled, "Go away, Mulder. You said you wanted to drive, so leave me alone." "Scully, we're home." She groggily opened one eye, peering around curiously. "Well, you're home..." The other eye snapped open. "Oh." Sleepily, she sat up. This wasn't the first tome she'd arrived home in the middle of the night, and most likely it wouldn't be the last. Mulder tried to make light conversation while she gathered her bearings. "Good news is, we can report in late tomorrow." "Yeah..." Her expression was far off, and the more alert she got, the more Scully tried to emotionally distance herself from Mulder. She yawned, then opened the door to the car. Mulder popped the trunk and stepped out, also. They met at the back of the car at the same time. They both reached for her suitcase. Glancing at her for a moment, Mulder grasped the handle and pulled it out, then closed the lid to the trunk. She glared at him. "What do you think you're doing?" "Same thing I always do." He shot her a confused look. "You know. We arrive back in Virginia in the middle of the night, both so tired we could fall over standing. I take your suitcase, you take your carry-on. We walk up to your apartment, making sure you don't fall asleep on the way up, or that a new X-File doesn't jump out of the shadows and attack you..." She raised an eyebrow. "So now I need you to protect me?" "Scully! For crying out loud!" "Don't start with me," she snapped, grabbing the suitcase from his hands. "I can manage just fine. I don't need you... to make me feel helpless." She walked toward the building. Mulder watched her go. "Well, excuse me for trying to do something polite!" he yelled after her. "You might want to try it sometime." Heading back to the car, he got in, slammed the door, turned the key and sped out of there. He didn't need to stick around to watch Scully struggle with the suitcase. She eventually made it inside her apartment. Dropping her luggage with exhaustion, Scully dragged herself into the bedroom, threw on some pajamas, and collapsed into bed. *Why does he have to be so goddamn obnoxious?* In a different apartment, at the same time, Fox Mulder was wondering the same thing about her. * * * * * Scully's heart was pounding fast and hard the next morning as she entered her office, shut the door, and leaned against it. Mulder was nowhere to be seen. *Good.* She couldn't believe it had actually come to this. She Scully straightened herself up and headed to her desk. Upon sitting, she grabbed a pen and looked at the form she'd brought with her. It was a request for transfer, and all she had to do was fill it out. Her hand lifted the pen, and brought it to the form. 'Special Agent Dana Scully' was all she'd managed to write, when everything finally sank in. She didn't want to leave. *You do so. You want to get away from all the bad memories, remember?* Scully slowly put the pen back to paper. *But what about the good ones?* She put the pen down. *Good ones? All Mulder and I do is fight, then he chases after women while on assignment. And my father died while I was here...* Her mind continued its debate. *But that wasn't your fault! He had a heart attack...* Scully barely heard the door open. Mulder strolled in. After hesitating for a tense moment, he greeted her. "'Morning." Her mind wasn't on giving greetings, though. *Okay, fine, so I wasn't the cause of his death. But what about Missy...?* Scully felt her eyes moisten. *No, don't cry. Not here, not now. Not in front of _him_. Why is it so important not to let him see you cry? ...Because he's my partner. Is that all? Umm... well, up until awhile ago, he was my friend. And what changed that? I don't know. Of course you don't. He changed. Did he change, or did you...?* The last thought echoed through Scully's mind. Slamming her fist down on the desk in frustration, she crumpled the form into a ball, and aimed for the trash. Missed. *You know you can't go through with it. I know...* Her eyes were more than moist, now. Mulder had been staring at her, startled. She hastily pushed back her chair and stood up, as he noticed the tears in her eyes, threatening to spill. "I've got to go somewhere," she mumbled, then fled from the office. Mulder hurried after her, to the door. "Scully!" he called. She didn't turn around. Mulder gave up, turning back into the office. *Let her go.* "What the hell is her problem, anyway?" he asked empty room. He got no reply. On his way past Scully's desk, his foot kicked the crumpled ball of papers that she had thrown, and curious, Mulder picked them up. Bringing them back to his own desk, he smoothed them and began to read. *Request for transfer?! What is this?* Mulder was infuriated, yet sad at the same time. Were things so bad, Scully felt she had to leave? *Might as well see her reasons.* He skimmed down the page, until realizing she hadn't been able to get past writing her name. A feeling he couldn't quite place washed over Mulder. It was relief, but it was concern. *She didn't really want to leave, but she didn't want to talk to me about it.* He thought back to her odd behavior, slamming her fist with no apparent reason, tears in her eyes she didn't want him to see. Leaving with no explanation, not telling him where she'd be. He had to find her. He wanted to talk to her. _Make_ her talk to him. He wanted to help her sort through the blame she put on herself, and the blame she put on him. Mulder wanted her to forgive, and he wanted to help. He decided to try her apartment first. When knocking had produced no answer, he'd let himself in. A quick look around told him she wasn't there. There was only one other place she could be. Mulder pulled into the cemetery grounds, and parked the car. He could see her there, a lost, tiny figure among the countless cold headstones. She was kneeling over one of them, sort of tracing the letters, lost in thought. As he got closer, he saw tears slowly falling down her face. Seeing her this way made his heart constrict. No one deserved to feel so much pain, especially not her. Scully heard him approach, and stood up without looking at him. She could feel him watching her. Mulder leaned over to place a bouquet of flowers on Melissa's grave. Then Scully felt something being placed into her own hands. He put his hands on her shoulders, as she looked at the rose she now held. "Yellow. For friendship," he said quietly. He'd wanted to get her the red one - God, how he'd fought with himself over that. But he knew this wasn't the time to add further pressures to their deteriorating relationship. First and foremost, Scully was hurting. More than anything, she needed a friend. Dana began to weep. Then the sobs racked her body, to the point where she was almost choking. Mulder wrapped his arms around her from behind, as they sank to the ground. "Oh, God, Mulder. That should be me, there, in that shallow grave. Missy wasn't supposed to die! It wasn't her time! I've lost so much... my sister and my father. Why wasn't it me? It's so hard to take, Mulder, and... and I'm supposed to be strong! I know I am. But it's too hard to bear..." She was in hysterics, shaking and coughing, the tears flowing freely and the fear all there. Not knowing what else to do, she turned in his arms and buried her face against his chest, soaking his shirt with the teardrops of a lifetime. He held her tighter, and rubbed her back soothingly, feeling completely helpless, here, in her time of need. Scully held onto him with a weak and sorrow-filled grip, needing someone to hold onto, and that someone to be him. She hadn't wanted him to see her that way, and for so many months, she'd kept it all in. As she cried for hours on that early spring afternoon, she felt walls come crashing, and defenses slip away. Dana wasn't going to hide inside a protective shell anymore, as she had for so long. On that same afternoon, in the same place, at the same time, Fox Mulder cried. He wanted to comfort and console Dana, and his tears were not only for himself. He cried for her, and the months where she had not been the same. He cried for the effect it had had on him, and the countereffects it had caused for her. He cried for the two facades which had been dropped, and for the eternity of grief they'd suffered in such a short time. He cried for them. "I'm here for you, Dana," he told her. "I'll always be here..." He rested his chin against the top of her head, and continued to hold her. They would start over, the old part of their lives lost. The old wounds had healed, and they'd try to forget. It would take time, and it would take patience and trust, but there had been forgiveness on that afternoon. And that was the biggest step of all. The End, or The Beginning...? February 23rd, 1996 "I can't live... with or without you..."