From: JoAnn Medrano Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 21:20:53 -0800 (PST) Subject: Fox and Dana XIV: Pain Source: revision Title: Fox and Dana XIV: Pain Author: Jo Ann Medrano Address: agentsinlove@yahoo.com Rated: R Spoilers: Fight The Future, One Son Classification: S Keyword: Mulder/Scully Romance Summary: As Fox cares for Dana, he painfully remembers the events from last December. Archive: Please don't archive on any site without permission from the author. Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files do not belong to me. They are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended. My many thanks to the following, Chris Carter, Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny and all who work on the X-Files. http://www.agentsinlove.com/ Fox and Dana: Pain Dana's Apartment... Fox Mulder peeked into the bedroom to check on Dana Scully. She was sounded asleep. Her head resting to the right as her arms held tight to the pillow pressed against her chest. The pit of guilt swung inside of him as Fox closed the bedroom door. Over a week ago, Dana had lost their baby. The baby, the doctors once told her, she could never have. The baby neither one of them knew about. Dana was about six weeks pregnant, unaware of her condition. Had he known, Fox would have never let Dana go with him after the man-creature. He plopped down on the couch crying again. It was all he had done for the past few weeks, crying for the past, crying for Dana, now crying for their baby. It was his fault Dana lost the baby. He should have never put her in such danger. When he saw all the blood around her, frightened that he was going to lose her. Fox clung to her, begging Dana not to leave him. Selfish. Thinking about him, not about her. Dana was injured, and dying and all he could think about were his own selfish needs. (Don't leave me... Please don't leave me...) Selfish. Dana had lost the one thing she wanted so much. A baby. Their baby. What was awful was Fox would rather lose a hundred babies than to lose Dana. Selfish. Fox covered his face with his arm as he leaned his head back against the couch, crying. When was he ever going to stop crying?! The photographs. Ever since they were given to him, his emotional life had been in turmoil. Fox thought he had let go of the past, accepted it and moved on. It came back crashing at him when he saw the abuse his father had done to him in the photographs. The anger that Fox had known throughout his childhood was the man he knew as his father. A man Fox believed had no compassion, not to the world or to the boy whom was his son. Yet, the image of Bill Mulder had, within the past few years, taken a different turn. He was a different man then what Fox was told of by the men his father worked with. When Dana was taken from him almost two years ago, the Englishman, who's own causes made him rebel against the group, helped Mulder to find and cure Scully of the virus that infected her. The Englishman told him how his father allowed Samantha to be abducted and to save her genetically through cloning, a half-human, half-alien against the invasion that was soon to come. Though the Englishman had told a different story a few years back, Mulder believed what he said this time to be true. For Mulder himself had witnessed the result of the cloning when Jeremiah Smith took him to the fields where many duplicates of his sister lived. Almost a year ago, Fox was told a different story, by the man he hated the most. The Cigarette Smoking Man told of the sacrifice made by the men of the group many years ago. Giving their families to the alien race for the genetical materiel needed to secretly stop the invasion. The hated man praised Bill Mulder, a challenger to the cause. Crediting him with things that Fox believed were done by others. The noble sacrifice he made with his daughter brought a halt to the invasion and his attempt to create a vaccine to save the world. What a great man his father was. He was told that same night, for him to be reunited with his sister, Mulder was to stand aside and allow the world to end. Yet these events were avoided but left no truths for him to hold on. The photographs from 1965 told the truth. Having a few of the photos analyzed, had proved them to be authentic. Nothing made Fox happier than to learn that he and Dana once met as children. It was a memory that was lost to both of them. A memory, Fox wanted to have back. Fox had gotten one part of it back when he had Dana sit on his lap at the shopping mall. The memory of her embrace now lived in him forever as well as in the photograph that now sat on the mantle in her apartment. As much as Fox enjoyed the sight of the photographs of himself and Dana, the ones of him and his father drew him in deeper. Fox would stare at them. Reviewing the fear he saw in him as a child. The memories of so many other incidents that were seen through his young eyes now were seen in much older eyes that still knew the pain. In his determination to search for the one memory, he had unlocked the floodgate of many painful memories. Fox William Mulder was completely unprepared for the juggernaut that rushed at him... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Monday, December 20th: Dana's Apartment- 3:05 A.M. Fox woke up. He heard noises in the living room. Freeing his grip on Dana, he carefully moved toward the living room with his weapon in his hand. Seeing the lights on, Fox moved closer and walked not into Dana's living room but into his father's office at his childhood home. No longer having his gun in his hand, instead it was a report card he dreaded handing over to the towering figure in front of him. " Let's see it, son... " Bill Mulder reached out to him. A seven-year-old Fox Mulder hesitated but moved forward with his report card extended out. He knew he was going to get it. Fox didn't do well in either Art or creative writing. He could already feel the belt cross his behind. " What is this?! What did I tell you about bringing home grades like this?! " " ...not too... " Fox was struggling not to cry, his father hated crying. It only made him angrier. " Not too... but you did!! What are you doing?!! Wasting my time?!! I could be doing other things than to be wasting my time with a stupid kid like you!! " Fox backed up. He didn't feel stupid. He just didn't know how to draw very well. " Put your hands out, Fox... " Fox did as he was told. He closed his eyes, dreading the pain. He would rather be hit on his butt than on his hands. He had no choice when Fox felt the leather of the belt hit each of his hands once, but hard. He bit his lips together trying not to yell out. " ... You think about how to use those hands right the next time. " His father turned away from him. " Go to your room. I don't want to see you for the rest of the night... " Fox did as he was told, holding his hands under his arms, cushioning the pain. He walked right back into Dana's bedroom and crawled into the bed. His hands hurt too much to hold his beloved. Resting his head close to Dana, Fox cried silently for the pain of his hands as well as his heart... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx December 20th: Mulder's Office- Late Afternoon... Mulder was alone in his office as he studied each of the photographs he brought with him. He wanted to remember and hoped that the images before him would come to life in his mind. Going through the ones with him and Dana, it didn't take long for Mulder to come to the ones of himself and his father. Letting out a sigh, he didn't want to remember this part of the memory. Holding the set of photographs with the first one of Dana and himself sitting together, Mulder closed his eyes and focused. Searching for the memory, he wanted to have back. Fox Mulder opened his eyes to a young Maggie Scully standing before him. " What is your name, Sweetheart? " Maggie had asked him. Bringing his head down, Fox felt so shy when the lady asked him his name. Yet, his eyes could not stay away from the friendliness of her face. " Fox... " He said so shyly as he fingers went to his mouth. " Fox!! " He heard his name from the side and looked at a young Bill Scully, Jr. who stood next to him. " What a dumb name! " Putting his head down, Fox wanted to cry. Some kids made fun of his name. Why did Mommy have to give him a dumb name? " BILLY!! " He heard the lady scolding her son. She was defending him. Her fingertips touching his chin as she brought him up closer to her. " I think Fox is a wonderful name... " For a moment, Fox felt something for the lady. A familiar yearning he had for only one other person, his mommy. He liked the lady. She was very nice to him. " Mommy, let go!! " The boy named Billy pulled on her arm. " All right, Billy, that's enough!! " The nice lady got mad at him. Fox was glad. He didn't like Billy. " ... Melissa, Dana, let's go now and find Daddy... " Fox looked at the lady and wondered where they were going? He felt Dana still holding his hand as she put her arm around his tummy. " Come on, Dana... say goodbye to your friend. " The lady told her. " NO!! " Dana pouted. Looking at Dana, Fox didn't want her to go either. He liked playing with her, even though she was a baby. He liked Melissa, too. Billy was mean, but Fox still wanted to play with them. " Can I go with you? " Fox asked the nice lady. The look of surprise was on the nice lady's face, but she never answered Fox, when they all heard the mean voice that caused the ground to shake. Fox felt Dana let go of his hand, the lady moving away from him. Everyone jumped when they heard Fox's daddy shout out. " FOX!!! GET OVER HERE!!! " Feeling his body shaking, Fox had done something bad. He was always doing something bad. (...no, I don't want to remember this...) " Fox, come over here immediately!!! " (... Please, I don't want to remember this...) He was afraid to move towards his Daddy? Maybe the lady would grab him and they would all run away... (... no, please...) " NOW!! " (NO!!!) Moving fast to his daddy's side, Fox felt his daddy's huge hands grabbing him, shaking him. " Where have you been?! You worried your mother!! " (... no...) " I can't take you anywhere without you upsetting her... " ( NO!!!!) He felt his daddy pulling him away from Dana and the nice lady. He cried, knowing the fear... " NOOOO!!!! " Fox Mulder snapped out of it. He stopped the memory. It wasn't what he wanted. In his hands, Mulder held onto the pen Scully had given to him for his birthday a few years ago. Though he had received a new one from Skinner on his last birthday, Mulder still loved using the pen from Scully, despite how ugly it looked from him chewing and sucking on it. His stomach suddenly turned. Mulder let go of the pen and made a mad dash to his trash can, throwing up his lunch. Keeping his head there for a while, Mulder knew he would have to clean everything up before Scully came back. He didn't want her to know what he was doing. Slowly he brought himself back up and rested against his chair. When he looked up, Mulder saw his father towering over him. " It's your fault... " Bill Mulder growled at him. " No, it's not my fault... " Mulder pushed himself more into his chair. " We trusted you with her... It's your fault!!! " " NO!!! You did this to her!!! It's your fault!!! " Mulder felt strong. He had new information, a weapon against his father. He knew none of this was his fault. " Your fault... Look at your mother... " Mulder suddenly saw his mother, just as she was the day after Samantha was gone, sitting in the corner, crying. " You brought this pain... " " NO!!! IT'S YOUR FAULT!!! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! YOU MADE MOM CRY!!! IT'S YOUR FAULT!!! ALL OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! " Mulder was fighting the memory. He was going to win this time. " It is your fault!! You knew this was going to happen... and you did nothing... your fault. " As quick as the words were said, a 12-year-old Fox Mulder found himself back at his parents' house. He and Samantha were hiding, listening to the argument in the living room. " Fox, I'm afraid... " Samantha looked at her big brother, pleading with her eyes. He was just as scared as she was. Fox knew he should take his sister and run away. Something was going to happen, some bad... something he couldn't stop... " NO!!! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THE BLAME!!! " Everything stopped. Mulder was alone in his office with the pen was back in his hand. The only thing he could hear was his own heavy breathing. Grabbing the plastic bag around the trash can to throw away. Mulder didn't want to be alone anymore. He would take a walk around the building. As long as there were people around him, Mulder knew the ghosts of the past would not harm him... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Tuesday, December 21st - Dana's Apartment: Evening... Fox adjusted his chair at the dinner table. He had managed not to think about his childhood today, leaving the photographs at home to avoid any painful memories. Placing his plate in front of him, Dana had madehoney-mustard chicken with rice and streamed mixed vegetables for dinner. Looking at the vegetables on his plate, Fox noticed that there was broccoli in the group. He hated broccoli and pushed it to the side. " You better eat that... " Fox looked up and saw his father across from him at the dinner table. He was back in Chilmark. His mother and sister were also there, sitting with their heads down. Neither of them wanted any part of what was soon to happen. A 10-year-old Fox Mulder stared up at his father. He was tired of being force to eat things he didn't like. " I'm not going to eat it. I don't like broccoli... " " You are going to eat it. I work for everything you have. You will eat what my money pays for... " " No, I don't like broccoli!! " Feeling brave, Fox tossed the hated vegetable off his place, landing right near his father. Before Fox knew what had happened, his father was on top of him, pulling his head back by his hair. Forcing Fox to open his mouth, as his father shoved the broccoli in. Struggling to break free, Fox felt the broccoli being shoved deeper into his throat. " BILL!! " He heard his mother coming to his defense. " YOU'RE CHOKING HIM!!! BILL!!! " Out of the corner of his watery eye, Fox could see Samantha clinging to her napkin, crying. " Fox!! " He heard Dana's voice coming out of Samantha's mouth. " FOX!! " The moment Dana touched him Fox pulled away from the table knocking his chair over. He wanted to hide. He didn't want Dana to see him like this. She kept following him, trying to hold on to him. Fox backed himself into a corner with no place to hide himself. " Fox, what's wrong? " The look of concern from Dana broke his heart. How could he do this to her? Finally, he couldn't hold it any more and let the tears pour out of him as Dana brought her arms around him hugging him tight. He hugged her back, afraid of what he was thinking. Fox was sure that he was coming close to losing his mind... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx That night, instead of Fox holding tight to Dana, she had her arm wrapped around him. He felt as if she was guarding him from whatever terror had affected him. Fox couldn't sleep. He was afraid to. He couldn't seem to control any of his memories. He just didn't trust himself. Feeling for Dana's thumb, Fox was tempted to stick in his mouth, but chastised himself. ' Gotta stop acting like a baby... ' Resting his head near Dana's, her hair brushed near the side of his chin. Taking in the aroma of the shampoo she used, the sweet smell of its fragrance brought such comfort to him. Fox brought his face closer to it, breathing it in. In a short time, Fox Mulder was asleep with no memories to haunt him that night... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Wednesday, December 22nd: Dana's Apartment- 7:06 P.M. Fox took Dana into his arms, kissing her passionately. The feeling of ardor as they shared one of the chairs at the dinner table. Fox was still inside of Dana as he was kissing her... .... He had snuck up on her in the kitchen, bending down to rub his groin against her ass. She in turn reached around and grabbed hold of his butt, pushing him closer to her. He kept rubbing himself around her, feeling every part of her with his cock. He slipped his hands into her sweat pants, feeling her ass and reaching in further. She encouraged him, and repositioning herself, making herself available to his hands... .... Fox brought Dana close to him when he stopped kissing her. He rested his head on her chest listening to her heartbeat. The Christmas tree caught his eye. Fox suddenly remembered that Dana's presents were at his apartment. He knew he wouldn't have time to pick them up tomorrow. Before the night was over, he would go back to his place for them. Bringing Dana closer to him, Fox decided to do it later. Right now he didn't feel like getting up... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Fox's Apartment- 10:13 P.M. Flipping through his mail as he walked into his apartment, Fox carefully separated the bills from the junk mail. Turning on his computer, Fox decided to check his e-mail while he was here. Walking to his bedroom, as the computer warmed itself up, Fox walked into the closet where he was suddenly four years old again. Hiding in the closet from Mommy and Daddy, Fox wanted to suck his thumb. He had a bad day. Mommy yelled him to be quiet and she spanked him for not being a good boy. It was that dumb baby's fault that he couldn't make any noise. Forgetting all the bad things that were done to him, Fox sucked peacefully on his thumb. Not afraid of the darkness like his cousin Mandy was, Fox felt safe in the closet with no lights on. No one could hurt him here or put the hot taste on his thumbs. Fox hated the hot taste. It made his mouth burn. One time, the hot taste got in his eyes causing his eyes to burn. Fox couldn't see anything and he screamed for his mommy. She washed his eyes with water to make the hot taste go away. Fox cried. Mommy cried. She never put the hot taste on his thumbs again. Daddy still did. Daddy was mean. Fox didn't like Daddy and wished he would go away. Suddenly the closet door opened, and there stood his daddy shouting at him. " FOX!!! GET OUT OF THERE!!! " Frightened, Fox tried to run deeper into the closet, but his daddy's hands were on him, pulling him out. Fox screamed, trying to break free of his daddy's hands. Grabbing hold of one of Dana's presents, Fox Mulder was once again a man. He quickly turned around to see that he was still in his apartment alone. Gathering up Dana's gifts, Fox left his apartment and forgot all about his computer... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Thursday, December 23rd: Mulder's Office 11:29 A.M. Stretching his arms up, Fox Mulder turned to his beloved. " Are you hungry, Scully? " Not turning away from the computer screen, Dana Scully answered him. " Not yet... why? " " Oh, I feel like stretching my legs... thought I would go and get us lunch. How does Chinese, sound? " " I don't know, Mulder... I don't speak the language... " Scully turned to him smiling. " Ha! Ha! " He mocked her. Once in awhile Scully could zing them. " Chinese food will be fine. You know what I like... " " Yeah, but I thought you didn't want me to wrap it... " Mulder stood up gesturing to his private area. Scully just gave Mulder the look as he walked out with his trench coat in his hand. The cold air hit his face as soon as he walked out the FBI building. Now Mulder was sorry that he'd offered to do this. Fortunately, he didn't have far to walk. As Mulder neared the Chinese restaurant, the sound of yelling caught his attention. Walking toward his direction, a man was yelling at a little boy. The poor kid must have been no more than four years old. He had seen the same scared look on his own face from the photographs of his father dragging him like the father and son before him. Deciding to get involved, Mulder was tired of kids having to suffer like he did, it was time to punish at least one asshole that didn't deserve... .... Mulder stopped in his tracks. No longer did the man and his child stand before him, the winter streets of Washington, D.C. were gone. Fox felt the hot sun against his skin as tears poured out of him. His daddy was dragging him away from the nice lady and the little baby named Dana. Fox knew he shouldn't cry. He knew his daddy would spank him if he didn't stop crying, but he wanted his mommy. He cried. " Stop crying!! " Daddy shouted at him. He couldn't. He wanted to go back to the nice lady. He cried. " Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry!! " Daddy's voice grew louder and meaner. Dana. He wanted Dana. He missed Dana. Dana liked him. Dana kissed him. He wanted Dana!! His crying was deafening, as he uttered out his pain. Suddenly, Fox felt his body turning around with such force that the first spanking caught him off guard, then the second and third spanking brought him to his knees. He had no strength in his legs as his daddy let him fall. Why was he so mean to... " ... Hey, Mister, are you all right? " A young man stood over Fox Mulder. Mulder looked at the young man. It was cold. It wasn't July. He was a grown man. With the young man's help, Mulder stood up. Dazed and unsure of what to do, Mulder realized he had something in his hand. A small piece of paper with Dana's writing on it. A love note from her. When did she put it in his pocket? " Hey, mister, are you OK? " The young man asked him once more. Mulder looked at him again. It was not often when a stranger was willing to help another. " Thanks... " Deciding to go back to the FBI building, Mulder didn't feel safe out here. He didn't want to be away from Dan... .... A sorry son of a bitch crashed right into Mulder!! Not losing his footing, Mulder backed away stopping himself from falling. " Fuckhead!! " Mulder said to the asshole that was too far away to hear him. Mulder looked at his hand that held the note from Dana. It was gone, knocked out of his grip during the collision. Damn it!!! He wanted to read the note from... .... Mulder lost the winterland of Washington, D.C. again. The July sun burned against his back as he kneeled on the ground, crying. Why was his daddy so mean to him?! Why?!! Fox tried to push the tears back. He wanted to stop crying. He didn't want to get spanked again. It was then he felt it. The soft touch, he felt on his cheeks. The softness circled his neck, hugging him, sweet. He brought his hands down to let the softness tighten around him. He felt the soft skin against his left cheek as he listened to the soft chattering against his ear. A very wet kiss on his forehead. He felt his tears stopping, clearing enough for him to see Dana. A look of love on her face as she spoke a few baby words to him. She then crawled onto his lap, hugging him. He hugged her back. Dana was so soft just like the teddy bear he once had until Daddy took it away from him. Fox could hug Dana for... " ... NOOO!! " Fox didn't want to see anymore. He knew what was going to happen! Daddy was going to take Dana away from him, like he took everything else!! Dana. Oh, God!! He took Dana away from him!! Fox felt the July sun coming back. He was going to fight it. He had to fight it. Reaching into his pockets, Fox pulled out his set of keys. Dana's keys were there with his own set to his apartment. Dana. He couldn't remember where Dana was! He wanted to go home, Dana's home, now his home. He knew would be safe there. Somewhere along the line, Fox lost his cell phone but he would have not noticed nor cared as he flagged down a taxi to take him home... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Dana's Apartment... Fox's hands were shaking as he opened the door to Dana's apartment. His whole body was sweating as he peeled off his trench coat, jacket and gloves. The gun at his side was forgotten as well as the one he kept hidden under his pants' leg. Fox looked around the apartment for Dana. " DANA!!! " He tossed everything including the keys onto the floor. " DANA!!! " Fox moved around the apartment. He started to panic. She wasn't here! Where was she?! Where the hell was she?! He looked into the bedroom, but it was empty... " This is your fault... " Fox turned to his back, shaking at the sight before him. There, near him at the bedroom doorway was Bill Mulder towering over him. " IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT'S SHE'S GONE!!! " He pointed the accusing finger at Fox. " NO!! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! YOU MADE HER GO AWAY!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! " " Look at what you did to your mother... " Fox stared at the direction his father was pointing at. On Dana's bed his mother sat, crying. Fox felt the overwhelming pain of guilt. " It's not my fault... Momma, it's not my fault... " He went to her on his knees, trying to hug her, but she pushed him away, the look of disgust all over her face. " ... it's not my fault... " Fox cried to her. " YOUR FAULT!! " Bill Mulder grabbed Fox by the collar of his shirt pulling him up and throwing him to the floor. Fox didn't have time to react when his father kicked him hard to the side. " IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! " Fox screamed again as his father kicked him once more on the side. " Your father chose hope over selfishness... " The Englishman appeared above him. " ... what..? " Fox felt another kick this time to his thigh. " Hope to the only future he had: his children... " The Englishman continued as Fox received another kick to the side. The Cigarette Smoking Man appeared beside the Englishman, as he puffed on his cigarette. " It's what your father realized. It's just what you'll realize as your father's son... " " YOU LIARS!!! " Fox felt his head spin when his father kicked him in the face. Turning his body away from Bill Mulder, Fox started to crawl toward the closet. If he could get to the darkest, he would be safe. " Trust no one... " Fox heard an old voice. It was Deep Throat but he didn't care as felt another kick from his father. Fox finally reached the closet door pulling it open even as he felt another kick. Too many voices demanded his attention, too many stories being told. How could he trust any of them? Trust no one... Feeling the door against his body, Fox reached for support and felt Dana's white bathrobe in his hand. Once it was there, everything stopped. Clasping onto the floor, with Dana's robe still in his possession, Fox brought it close to his face. Dana's robe. The one she always hung behind the closet door. The one she used every night. Her scent all over it filled Fox with such comfort. His Dana. The only one he ever trusted. Without being here, she had saved him. No bad memories would attack him so long as Dana or any part of her was his shield. Fox was safe. He curled his body into a ball crying as he kept Dana's robe tight to his face. He did not move until he heard the telephone ring. Slowly moving to the phone in her bedroom, Fox could hear the answering machine in the living room when Dana's voice came on loud and clear. " Fox! It's me... are you there? Please pick up... " Reaching for the phone on his knees, Fox had trouble gripping the receiver but managed to handle it with some banging against the phone's body. " ... Dana..? " His voice sounded so weak and childish. " Fox?! What's wrong?! Please talk to me, Fox?!! " The panic in her voice, brought shame to him. " Please come home, Dana... I'm scared... I'm so scared... " He spoke the truth to her, no matter how ashamed he felt. He was scared and wanted her home. " All right, sweetheart... I'm coming right now... " She hung up quickly. Fox tried to put the receiver back on the phone's body but his hands were shaking too much. He only managed to place it back on the night table. He wanted to go to the living room. He wanted to be there the moment Dana opened the door. No strength in his legs, Fox Mulder began to crawl to the living room, dragging his protection with him. Dana's white robe was getting dirty. When he reached the living room, Fox pulled himself onto the couch, letting his body crash against the cushions. He let out a sigh of relief. He would wait for Dana here. With one hand holding the robe, Fox's other hand slid down the side of the couch. The back of his hand touched the floor, sliding part way under the couch. He felt something. Carefully gripping what was under the couch, Fox pulled out the photographs of him and his father. He had forgotten he hid them there yesterday from Dana. When he came back from his apartment, last night, Fox sat on the couch staring at the hideous photographs for the thousandth time. As soon as he heard Dana's voice from the bedroom, he slipped the photographs under the couch. Dana had already yelled at him about the photographs and threatened to destroy them. " Stop tormenting yourself!! Why are you doing this?!! I want you to get rid of them!! If you don't, I will!! " Fox really didn't have an excuse for her, making up some reason that this was his past and how he should not forget it. After all, wasn't that what she had said to him about Diana? Carefully taking the photographs out, Fox turned his body slowly and pulled himself into a sitting position. With Dana's robe still in his hand, he separated some of the photographs in front of him. There were fourteen altogether. Fourteen images of the abuse that Fox took that day and every day until the day he fought back. Or at least he tried... Fox was seventeen years old. It was one of those rare weekends he had to spend with his father. He couldn't remember whose idea it was, he just remembered hating every minute of it. Watching his father drink himself into a stupor, Fox sat and listened to his father lecture again on what a fag he was for not saving his sister, hurting his mother and ruining the whole family for being weak. " ... Your fault... all of this is your fault... " His father told him again, as he struggled to pour himself another drink. " ... All your fuckin' fault... you worthless piece of shit... " Whatever caused Fox to take action, he did not stop himself. Grabbing the bottle of Scotch from his father's hand, Fox hurled it against the wall smashing it, as glass flew all over the place. " FUCK YOU!!! IF IT WAS ANYONE'S FAULT, IT WAS YOURS AND MOM'S!!! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT US ALONE THAT NIGHT!!! " Bill Mulder struggled to move on his feet, trying to take a swing at Fox. His father's condition was now to his advantage. Moving his head to the side as his father's fist passed Fox without touching him. Almost losing control of his footing, Bill Mulder managed to stop himself from falling. He turned slowly to face Fox, his body unstable from his drunken state. Yet, the man was determined to stand straight, eyeing his son. Fox suddenly realized how much taller he was than his father. For once, his father had to look up at him. No longer towering over him, Fox felt a new surge of power. He could hurt this man. Just like he had hurt him for so long. He could now have his revenge. " Go ahead, boy, do it. See if you can take me out... " His father must have read his mind. Fox wanted to. How easy it would be to hit this man. As angry as he was, there was still a part of Fox who reasoned with him. (You do it... you'll be no better than him...) .... I want to hit him!! Kill him!! Kill him for Sam!!! (... Then you will truly be his son...) Fox backed away, his hands still in a fist. He couldn't do it. No matter how much he wanted to, Fox would not cross that line. His father smiled at him, taking in his victory. " No balls, boy. You got no balls... " Bill Mulder struggle passed Fox as he walked to the liquor cabinet. By the time, Bill Mulder poured himself another drink, Fox had grabbed his gym bag from his room that he never unpacked and ran out of the house. He kept running not caring who saw him or what they thought of him. Fox had to keep moving. When he finally stopped, Fox rested against the first tree he could find. He brought his legs up to his chest. He cried. He cried because he was a loser... a wimp. Nobody loved him. He was alone in the world... .... Fox didn't notice when he put himself in a fetal position, bringing Dana's robe closer to him and his thumb, rubbing side to side on his bottom lip, as his mind drifted away... " ... Fox..? " Dana..? Was it Dana he heard? Fox lifted his head to the direction of her voice. Dana. She had come home to him. Fox raised his arms to her, wanting to know if she was real. When he felt her body pressed against his, Fox felt a great sense of relief. Dana was home. He wasn't alone anymore. She loved him. He loved her. Dana. He held nothing back. " Make it stop.. I can't make it stop!!! I wasn't a bad boy!!! I wasn't!! " He needed to hear it from her. Assurance of what he felt. " No, Fox... no. You never were a bad boy. It's not true... " Oh, God, she said it. It's not true!! It's not true!! " I'm not a bad boy!! I'm not a bad boy!! I didn't make Mommy cry. It's not my fault!! Please tell me it's not my fault!! " " No, baby, it's not your fault. It never was... " Oh, God, she said it again. It's not his fault. Dana would never lie to him. " Why couldn't I go with Sam? Why didn't he want to save me?! Why didn't he... " He cried. There was no reason to ask that question. No one seemed to want to give him the right answer. Fox felt Dana's arms tighten around him as he pushed his face deeper into her chest. He did not notice Dana throwing the photographs away from them. He wouldn't have care. Fox just wanted to go back to the darkest. Darkest was safe, the darkest inside of Dana. If he could go there for awhile... would she mind? Pulling himself away from her, Fox found the strength to lift his body off the couch. With Dana in front of him, he sat before her and separated her legs. He brought his body closer to her. With his head resting on her chest, Fox slid his legs back into the position he was on the couch. Making sure he had a connection with Dana, Fox gripped tight to her blouse with one hand as his other hand held onto her bathrobe. He felt Dana brushing his hair, humming to him. Sleep came to Fox Mulder, knowing he was safe from the memories... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Late Afternoon... Fox Mulder woke up. Feeling his body stiff from the position he was in, Fox felt the weight on his head. He looked up to see Dana resting her own head on his. ' A poor thing... ' Fox thought. She never left him. Just then, Dana opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was Fox staring at her. " Hey... " He greeted her with a smile. " Hey, yourself... " She smiled at him. Lifting her body up, Dana giving a good stretch to her arms and back. She brought her hands back to Fox, brushing his hair. He looked at her with such peaceful eyes. Sleep did him good. " How are you feeling, Fox? " The concern was on her face as well as in her voice. " Better... thank you, Dana. I would have gone insane without you... " " Don't say that, Fox... " " It's true, Dana. I'm sorry for putting you through this. I... I couldn't stop it... Not without you... " He stretched his legs forward, feeling the stiffness in them. " I just wanted to remember... " " What? What did you want to remember? " " When you and I first met as kids... I wanted to remember it so badly. I didn't think this would happen... all the bad memories. I didn't mean to bring them back... " " They don't always go away, you know that, Fox. Learning to live with them is the hardest challenge... " " I should know that. I did major in psychology that's what my degree says... " Fox tried to joke. Dana rubbed his cheeks as tears were threatening from her. " It's the photographs, isn't it. You just won't stop looking at them... " Fox brought his eyes down. " No, I didn't ... I don't know why... why I have to make myself suffer... " Fox stopped, the need to punish himself was as frustrating to him as well as to Dana. Dana lightly pushed Fox out of her way. He watched her gather up the photos from the floor. He didn't know how they got there. Fox remembered looking at them when he... Never mind. After picking each one up, Dana moved to her bedroom. In one of the dresser drawers, she pulled out six photographs. In each of the photographs were herself, Fox, Bill Mulder and her parents. Letting out a sigh, Dana knew these had to go as well. She only kept them because her parents were there, her father looking so young. Dana walked back to the living room, handing all the photographs to Fox. " Here, get rid of them, destroy them. Give him exactly what he deserves... " Still sitting on the floor, Fox took the photographs from Dana. He only looked at the first one. It was a group shot of them with their parents. It should have came out differently, but that was a wish of a child. Fox looked up at Dana, when he realized the wish did come true. It took a couple of years, but it did. It came true. Fox didn't need to look at the pain anymore. He felt a great sense of freedom when he ripped up the first few photographs. He cursed his father's name as he tossed the torn photos to the ground. Standing up, Fox stomped on them, releasing his anger. He hated his father!! Hated both his parents!! Hated them for what they did to him!! For the things they put him through!! Never again!!! Never will he suffer by their hands!! Fox screamed at the top of his lungs. It felt great to let it out!! Suddenly, Dana joined him. Her feet hitting the torn photographs with such force that the floor shook. She screamed and cursed Bill Mulder's name. She let her own hatred go for anyone whoever harmed her Fox. Dana stopped then rushed to Fox's arms. " Oh, Fox, I'm so sorry!! I'll never hit you again!! I'm sorry I beat you!! I'm sorry I slapped your face!! I'll never call you a bad boy again!!! " Remembering how she had beaten Fox up in the motel room in Texas when she allowed her anger to get the best of her and when she slapped him in the face after he told her of his marriage to Diana Fowley. Playfully spanking and calling him a 'bad boy' a few times, Dana never meant any harm when she did those things. If her actions caused him any pain, Dana would never do it again. " Well, actually, I like it when you call me a 'bad boy'... " Fox confessed. Dana pulled away, for some reason that surprised her. " ... You can't say I didn't deserve those spanking either... " Fox gave her a devilish smile. Dana's eyes grew large with shock. Good Lord, he liked being punished!! Why did that surprise her? Dana smiled at him. " Oh, Fox, you're such a bad boy... " xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx That night, Fox's mood was uplifting. He was excited about spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Mother Scully. He playfully nagged Dana to no end about it. Fox took all the presents from the Christmas tree and placed them near the front door so they wouldn't forget them. Then he suddenly decided that the tree looked too empty without them and placed every single present back under it. When they were in bed, Fox kept talking until he noticed that Dana had fallen asleep. Sleep didn't come easy for Fox that night. No matter how he tried, he could not stop thinking about his father and Samantha. From the things he had been told, the decisions that were made, Fox still could not understand the abuse he had to suffer from the actions the men of the Consortium took. If all these things were done not out of selfishness by his father, and the sacrifice he had made, why then was Fox made the scapegoat? Why were they left alone that night of the abduction? Did they really know which child was to be taken? Was he the original choice? If so, what caused the sudden change from him to his sister? Is this why he was punished? Not from the weakness of him preventing his sister's abduction, but by the fact it was he who should have been taken? The favorite child was gone. The one, who wasn't wanted, was left behind. Yet, if this was all done out of survival, done out of love, what caused the downfall of his parents' marriage? What was the truth behind the break up? Did it have something to do with him? The oldest child... the unwanted child... maybe not his child. What was it, the Cigarette Smoking Man told him..? " ... You can't think these choices were made lightly... They were the most painful decisions of our lives... " The Cancer Man's own sacrifice of his wife to the aliens. A sacrifice of someone, he might not have loved..? Was it meant to spare what was truly in the dark man's heart..? A secret kept from Bill Mulder until the night of the abduction. When he came home not to his daughter but to another man's son... NO!!! Fox didn't want to believe this. If it was true, he would rather it be denied. Still, there were other questions that plagued him. Why was Cassandra Spender allowed to return after the first abduction? Were the others returned to their loved ones as well? If so, why was Samantha not return to them? Is it possible the woman he met in the diner really was his sister, a victim, like Cassandra Spender who was abducted for years and experimented on? The proof of his sister's cloning was there in the fields he was taken to a few years ago... now gone, destroyed. What about the abductees like Max Fenig? Was he related to any of the men in the group? How many reported cases of abductees were connected to these men not by the experiments done on them but by the family tree they came from? No, too many people over the years had reported being abducted by aliens that had no relations with each other, strangers among many. Dana herself, was a victim only because of the work she did... .... with him. Him... it was always him. It was his fault Dana was taken and harmed by these madmen. His fault for Dana's cancer. Everything that was done to her was his fault. Fox looked around the room, expecting a ghost from the past to agree with him. Nothing came, except for his tears. He didn't mean to wake Dana up. She was there to hold him until he fell asleep. The next day, when they had arrived at Mother Scully's house, the Christmas tree brought back a lot of pleasant memories for Fox. He remembered how he and Samantha would help their mother decorate the tree. Never once did Fox break any of the glass ornaments. He did not live up to the image of being a clumsy kid. Fox could remember his father being happy and helping out with the decorating. The hug his father gave him for being a big help in putting up the Christmas lights came back so sudden to Fox, it was as if it happened yesterday. He didn't mean to cry in front of Mom and Dana. Fox just couldn't believe he had found some happy memories. He knew he had them, they just never seem to want to come out... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx " ... Fox?! " Dana called out from the bedroom. Pulling himself together, Fox headed off to his beloved. " Yeah, Dana? " He first peeked in. Awakened from the same nightmare she had for days, Dana would search for a crying baby she would never find. " Fox, I'm scared, please come and lie down with me... " The look of worry was all over her face. It was a request she didn't need to repeat. Fox slipped into the bed taking Dana into his arms. She pulled herself closer to him grabbing hold of his T-shirt. She tried to fight the tears but they came no matter what. Fox pulled her closer to him, rocking her back to sleep... The End... continues in Fox and Dana: Loose Ends Feedback is welcome... agentsinlove@yahoo.com